One-liners

“If at first you don't succeed, you're running about average.”

“If dogs could talk, it would take a lot of fun out of owning one.”

“If ignorance is bliss, then I must be the happiest thingamajig in the whatchamacallit!”

“If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?”

“If necessity is the mother of invention, I bet MacGyver is the father.”

“If winning isn't everything, why do they keep score?”

“If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.”

“If you can still do at 60 what you did at 20, it means you weren't doing much at 20.”

“If you can't explain it simply, you don't understand it well enough.”

“If you have a parrot and you don't teach it to say, ’Help, they've turned me into a parrot’, you are wasting everybody's time.”

“If your feet smell and your nose runs, you're built upside down.”

“If your parents never had children, chances are you won't either.”

“In any organization, there will always be one person who knows what's going on and this person must be fired.”

“Insanity is hereditary - you get it from your kids.”

“Insomnia is very common. Try not to lose any sleep over it.”