One-liners

“Not only am I a master of suspense, but I . . .”

“Once over the hill, you pick up speed.”

“One nice thing about egotists: They don't talk about other people.”

“Only a lack of imagination saves me from immobilizing myself with imaginary fears.”

“Parents of teenagers know why animals eat their young.”

“Pobody is nerfect!”

“Punctual people have nothing better to do.”

“Remember folks: Stop lights timed for 35mph are also timed for 70mph.”

“Remember, heck is reserved for those who don't give a dang.”

“Save time . . . see it my way.”

“Self-esteem-boosting tip: Whenever you receive mail addressed to "resident," just write a big "P" in front of that to make yourself feel more important.”

“She had her face lifted, but it turned out there was one just like it underneath.”

“Sleep is just an escape for those who cannot handle the hallucinations of insomnia.”

“Sometimes I get the feeling the whole world is against me, but deep down I know that's not true - some smaller countries are neutral.”

“Stay clear of those folks, Martha; if they get raptured, that car's gonna be all over the road.”