One-liners

“There are two words in a person's life that will open a lot of doors for them... PULL and PUSH”

“Three things cause severe memory loss: a blow to the head, old age, and testifying before a congressional hearing.”

“Time is fun when you're having flies.”

~ Kermit the Frog

“To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated but not be able to say it.”

“To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography and the dancers hit each other.”

“To the people who leave their carts in the check-out line while running to get an item they forgot: It's me who puts the extra items in there.”

“We're all in this alone.”

- Lily Tomlin

“When cryptography is outlawed, bayl bhgynjf jvyy unir cevinpl.”

“When I can't be kind, I try to have the decency to be vague.”

“When I told my doctor I couldn't afford an operation, he offered to touch-up my X-rays.”

~ Henny Youngman

“Whenever I hear Pavlov's name, it rings a bell.”

“Where am I going and why am I in this hand basket?”

“Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?”

“Why do the same people who laugh at science fiction listen to weather forecasts and economists?”

“Why do they have ear piercing while you wait; is there some shop where you can drop them off and pick them up later?”