One-liners

“It is never wise to let any piece of electronic equipment know that you are in a hurry.”

“It must be tough going through life with a short - hey look, there goes a butterfly!”

“It was once said that if you took all of the people who fell asleep in church and laid them end-to-end they would be more comfortable.”

“Keyboard not detected - press F1 to continue.”

“Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft. Today it's called golf.”

“Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.”

“Make yourself at home! Clean my kitchen.”

“Millions who long for immortality don't know what to do on a rainy Sunday afternoon.”

“My body may be present, but my mind has already teed off.”

“My doctor asked me if I'd thought about losing some weight and I told him I'd thought about it for 20 years.”

“My husband says I never listen to him; at least I think that's what he said.”

“My mind contains many good ideas, but it is not always easy to squeeze one out.”

“My money says that the guy who wrote "I Believe I Can Fly" has never actually tried it.”

“My reality check bounced.”

“My Uncle Mort was a REAL salesman -- he made a living selling wealthy Eskimo's igloos with fire escapes!”