Mother: She never quite leaves her children at home, even when she doesn’t take them along.
One-liners
A great collection of clean, funny one-liners!
Better living through denial!
Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
Errors have been made; others will be blamed.
In my defense, I was left unsupervised.
Self-Annihilating Complaint
How disagreeable of you to agree with me!
Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.
Does your train of thought have a caboose?
If only you'd use your powers for good instead of evil ...
Hormel Foods made their first batch of Spam in 1937. With everyone out shopping and hoarding food they have announced they will be making their second batch later this week ...
I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.
My body has absorbed so much soap and disinfectant lately, that when I pee it cleans the toilet!
Friendly checkout clerk... thanks for keeping me that way!
I thought I wanted a career; turns out I just wanted paychecks!
Now that we have everyone washing their hands correctly, next week: turn signals!!!