One-liners

Home-Schooling Update:

My child just said, "I hope I don't have the same teacher next year."

The Five Symptoms of Laziness:

1. 

The next time your wife gets angry, drape a towel over her shoulders (like a cape) and say, "Now you're SUPER ANGRY!"  Maybe she'll laugh; maybe you'll die.

Whoever decided a Liquor Store is more essential than a Hair Salon is obviously a bald-headed alcoholic.

If the schools are closed for too long, the parents are gonna find a vaccine before the scientists!

Commercials in 2030:

Were you or someone you know overly exposed to hand sanitizer, Lysol or bleach during the 2020 Corona virus pandemic? You may be eligible for compensation!

So let me get this straight, there's no cure for a virus that can be KILLED by sanitizer and hand soap?

I'm gonna work on being less condescending. (Condescending means to talk down to people.)

Common sense is not a gift, it's a punishment because you have to deal with everyone who doesn't have it.

Five symptoms of laziness:

1.

The longer I stay at home, the more homeless I look.

Paranoia has reached absurd stages ... I sneezed in front of my laptop and the anti-virus started a scan on its own.

The dumbest thing I've ever purchased was a 2020 planner!

If these last few weeks have taught us anything, it is that stupidity travels faster than any virus on the planet.

I’m deeply disturbed by how many people seem to see washing their hands as a new thing.