One-liners

Well, this day was a total waste of make-up!

Marriage Tip:

"Every time you talk to your wife, your mind should remember that  . . .

'This conversation will be recorded for training and quality purposes.'"

Don't bother me; I'm living happily ever after.

I really want to buy one of the grocery checkout dividers but the lady behind the counter keeps putting it back.

Does your train of thought have a caboose?

"Male reindeer lose their antlers in winter and females don't, so Santa's sleigh is actually pulled by a team of women . . . of course it is."

Happiness is a competitive advantage.

Instead of presents this year I'm giving everyone my opinion: get ready!

Emergency service provided only with twenty-four hours notice.

I like to make lists; I also like to leave them laying on the kitchen counter and then guessing on what's the list while at the store.

Self-Annihilating Sentences: Advice

It's about time we returned to the status quo.

I used to mix metaphors, but that ship has flown.

Self-Annihilating Sentences: Commands

Be brief, no matter how long it takes!

Self-Annihilating Sentence: Description

He's deliberately unconscious.

Only variables remain constant.