Entertainment

A church had a man in the choir who couldn't sing.  Several people hinted to him that he could serve in other places, but he continued to come to the choir.  The choir director became desperate and went to the pastor.

"You've got to get that man out of the choir," he said.  "If you don't, I'm going to resign.  The choir members are going to quit too.  Please do something."

So the pastor went to the man and suggested, "Perhaps you should leave the choir."

"Why should I get out of the choir?" he asked.

"Well, five or six people have told me you can't sing."

That's nothing," the man snorted.  "Fifty people have told me that you can't preach!"

***-- VIRUS WARNING --***

Folks, I don't normally send out virus warnings, but this one is extremely serious.? Please read very carefully and take care!
If you receive an email entitled "Crazy Times" delete it immediately.? Do not open it!? Apparently this one is pretty nasty.
It will not only erase everything on your hard drive, but it will also delete anything on disks within 20 feet of your computer.
It demagnetizes the stripes on ALL of your credit cards.
It reprograms your ATM access code, messes up the tracking on your VCR and uses subspace field harmonics to scratch any CD's you attempt to play.
It will re-calibrate your refrigerator's coolness settings so all your ice cream melts and your milk curdles.
It will program your phone auto dial to call only your mother-in-law's number.
This virus will mix antifreeze into your fish tank.
It will leave dirty socks on the coffee table when you are expecting company.
It will replace your shampoo with Nair and your Nair with Rogaine.
It will cause you to run with scissors and throw things in a way that is only fun until someone loses an eye.
It will give you Dutch Elm Disease and Tinea.
It will rewrite your backup files, changing all your active verbs to passive tense and incorporating undetectable misspellings which grossly change the interpretations of key sentences.
If the "Crazy Times" message is opened in a Windows 95 environment, it will leave the toilet seat up and leave your hair dryer plugged in dangerously close to a full bathtub.
It will not only remove the tags from your mattresses and pillows, but it will also refill your skimmed milk with whole milk.
It will replace all your luncheon meat with Spam.
It will molecularly rearrange your cologne or perfume, causing it to smell like dill pickles.(Remember Brut 33 ?)
It is insidious and subtle.
It is dangerous and terrifying to behold.
It is also a rather interesting shade of mauve.
These are just a few signs of infection.

PLEASE FORWARD THIS MESSAGE TO EVERYONE YOU KNOW!!!

--------- Thanks to Bill Gates and a small child with kidney failure for sending that in.? If you pass this to at least 5 friends within the next three minutes Bill will give the kid a free copy of Windows
98

Mark Twain's contention was that the most interesting information comes from children, for they tell all they know and then stop.? These words of wisdom were all spoken by children under 10.

You can listen to thunder after lightning to tell how close you came to getting hit.? If you don't hear it never mind.

Rainbows are just to look at, not to really understand.

South America has cold summers and hot winters, but somehow they still manage.

Many dead animals in the past changed to fossils while others preferred to be oil.

Genetics explains why you look like your father ...? and if you don't, why you should.

Vacuums are nothing.? I only mention them to let them know we know they are there.

Some people can tell the time by looking at the sun, but I have never been able to make out the numbers.

We say the cause of perfume disappearing is evaporation.? Evaporation gets blamed for a lot of things people forget to put the top on.

I am not sure how clouds get formed but the clouds know how to do it and that is the important thing.

1.) Better save that.? We'll need it for the autopsy.
2.) Somebody call the janitor - we're going to need a mop
3.) 'Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness'
4.) Sparky!? Comeback with that!? Bad Dog!
5.) Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?
6.) Hand me that...uh...that uh.....thingie
7.) Oh no!? I just lost my Rolex.
8.) Oops!? Hey, has anyone ever survived a full hypo of this tuffbefore?
9.) Everybody stand back!? I lost my contact lens!
10.) Could you stop that thing from beating; it's throwing my concentration off
11.) What's this doing here?
12.) I hate it when they're missing stuff in here.
13.) That's cool!? now can you make his leg twitch?!
14.) I wish I hadn't forgotten my glasses.
15.) Well folks, this will be an experiment for all of us.
16.) Sterile, shcmeril.? The floor's clean, right?
17.) Anyone see where I left that scalpel?
18.) Next, we remove the subject's brain and place it in the body of the ape.
19.) Now take a picture from this angle.? This is truly a freak of nature.
20.) This patient has already had some kids, am I correct?
21.) Nurse, did this patient sign the organ donation card?
22.) Don't worry.? I think it is sharp enough.
23.) What do you mean 'You want a divorce'!
24.) She's gonna blow!? Everyone take cover!!!
25.) FIRE!? FIRE!? Everybody get out!
26.) 'And next week, we'll be learning how to stitch up a patient...'