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Cybersalt Digest Archive

The Cybersalt Digest - Issue #3865 - May 15, 2012


Issue #3865


Cybersalt News

There is a new entry in the FunBlog today.  I actually intended to share it for Mother's Day but forgot.  You will find "Cat Mom Hugs Kitten" at:
www.cybersalt.org/funblog/cat-mom-hugs-kitten 

Enjoy the rest of today's mailing.


Here is today's CleanLaugh

Owl Friend

Owl JokesEach evening bird lover Tom stood in his backyard, hooting like an owl - and one night, an owl finally called back to him.

For a year, the man and his feathered friend hooted back and forth. He even kept a log of the "conversation."

Just as he thought he was on the verge of a breakthrough in interspecies communication, his wife had a chat with her next door neighbor.

"My husband spends his nights ... calling out to owls," she said.

"That's odd," the neighbor replied. "So does my husband."

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Here is today's One-liner

One-liner #0848

picture of oranges"Whoever said that nothing rhymes with orange clearly doesn't know the correct pronunciation of nothing."



Here is today's CleanPun

Alcohol and Calculus

calculusAlcohol and calculus don't mix.

Never drink and derive.


Here is today's CleanQuote

Quote #1297

"Jealousy is counting someone else's blessings rather than your own."


Here is today's Illustration

Disaster Encounter

hiding-face"Oh, No!" he gasped as he surveyed the disaster before him. Never in his 40 years of life had he seen anything like it. How anyone could have survived he did not know.

He could only hope that somewhere amid the overwhelming destruction he would find his 16-year-old son. Only the slim hope of finding Danny kept him from turning and fleeing the scene. He took a deep breath and proceeded.

Walking was virtually impossible with so many things strewn across his path. He moved ahead slowly.

"Danny! Danny!" he whispered to himself. He tripped and almost fell several times. He heard someone, or something, move. At least he thought he did. Perhaps, he was just hoping he did. He shook his head and felt his gut tighten.

He couldn't understand how this could have happened. There was some light but not enough to see very much. Something cold and wet brushed against his hand. He jerked it away.

In desperation, he took another step then cried out, "Danny!".

From a nearby pile of unidentified material, he heard his son. "Yes, Dad," he said, in a voice so weak it could hardly be heard.

"It's time to get up and get ready for school," the man sighed, "and, for heaven's sake, clean up this room."

Featured Illustrations are items well suited for illustrating or inspiring a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.


The Cybersalt Digest is a ministry of Pastor Tim and Cybersalt

www.cybersalt.org

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The Cybersalt Digest - Issue #3864 - May 13, 2012


Issue #3864


Cybersalt News

Sunday greetings everyone and happy Mother's Day!

It's been a while since I was able to send out the Cybersalt Digest, but I made the extra effort today so I could tell you all what a great mom I have (that's right mom, this is all I got you for Mother's Day.)  I have so much to thank my mom for that I could not list everything here, but suffice it to say that I am so thankful for all the the hard work and sacrifices she made for me as a baby, a child, a teenager and now as a grandmother to my kids.

I also want to wish my wife a happy Mother's Day.  Years ago I asked Susan what she wanted for Mother's Day and she replied very curtly, "I'm not your mother."  Her response left me pretty happy because I was freed from the pressure to buy an appropriate gift.  Over the next couple of years, however, I learned that even though she does not want a Mother's Day gift from me she does want Mother's Day appreciation.  I am so thankful to Mrs. Cybersalt (my babies' momma) for how she has blessed my life by being such an incredible mother to our 3 kids.  Were it not for her not only would they have never been born, but they would also not know what the inside of a public library looks like, that you can get more than just ham or bologna from a supermarket and that standing by and staying with your husband even while he is still growing up really is a long term plan for happiness.

Actually, this Mother's Day is one of firsts for Susan in that none of our kids are home this year AND it is also the first Mother's Day since her own mother passed away.  That's the strange thing about these special days we celebrate: there are always others that are saddened by the same celebration and even others who are qualified to be members of both groups.  For me as a husband, on Mother's Day I can only do what a husband can figure out along the way.  For me as a Christian, I am thankful once again that our lives can be filled with the Hope of Jesus love for us whether we are celebrators, mourners, or both.

Enjoy the rest of today's mailing.


Here is today's CleanLaugh

What Mom's Really Want

Mother's Day photo frameTop 10 List of what Moms REALLY want...*

10. To be able to eat a whole candy bar (alone) and drink a soda without any "floaties" (ie, backwash)

9. To have my 14 year-old daughter answer a question without rolling her eyes in that "Why is this person my mother?" way.

8. Five pounds of chocolate that won't add twenty.

7. A shower without a child peeking through the curtain with a "Hi Ya Mom!" just as I put a razor to my ankle.

6. A full time cleaning person - period!

5. For my teenager to announce "Hey, Mom! I got a full scholarship and a job all in the same day!"

4. A grocery store that doesn't have candy/gum/cheap toys displayed at the checkout line.

3. To have a family meal without a discussion about bodily secretions.

2. To be able to step on a plane with my toddlers and NOT have someone moan, "Oh no! Why me...!"

And the #1 thing that moms REALLY want is.....

Four words: Fisher Price Play Prison

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Here is today's One-liner

One-liner #0847

"Living with a toddler is like using a blender with no lid."angry toddler



Here is today's CleanPun

Look Like Mom

face creamA two-and-a-half-year-old walked into the bathroom while her mother was putting on make-up.

"I'm going to look just like you, Mommy!" she announced.

"Maybe, when you grow up," her mother told her.

"No Mommy, tomorrow. I just put on that 'Oil of Old Lady' you always use."


Here is today's CleanQuote

Quote #1296

Kids with look of trouble"My mother had a great deal of trouble with me, but I think she enjoyed it."
- Mark Twain


Here is today's Illustration

Motherly Ways

old kettleTammy and Sean had been living together for about 6 months. Sean's mother had always been suspicious of the two's relationship, even though her son insisted there was nothing going on.

One day the mother decided to stop by. Her son seemed surprised but pleased she had come, and gave her a tour of the house. The mother seemed suspicious that Tammy's room was spotless, and Sean's room was very messy with (women's) clothes all over the floor. Sean assured his mother that this was because the hamper was in his room, and nothing was going on. Before they left, her son and Tammy invited her to have Thanksgiving with them. Thanksgiving came, and once again Sean assured his mother that nothing was going on.

A few days later, Tammy noticed that her tea kettle was missing. She asked Sean about it, and neither could find it. "Your mother must have taken it" Tammy insisted. Finally, Sean called his mother after it had been missing for another couple of days.

"Mom, I need to ask you a question. "

"Of course son"

"Well, our tea kettle is missing, did you place it somewhere or possibly take it?" His mother seemed hurt." Honey, I can't believe..."

"I know mom, but you were the only one here."

"No, son, " his mother said knowledgeably." I can't believe you lied to me."

"But I haven't mom" Sean protested.

"Son, if Tammy had been sleeping in her own bed, you would have found the kettle by now."

Featured Illustrations are items well suited for illustrating or inspiring a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.


The Cybersalt Digest is a ministry of Pastor Tim and Cybersalt

www.cybersalt.org

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The Cybersalt Digest - Issue #3863 - April 27, 2012


Issue #3863


Cybersalt News

There is a new funny picture on the Cybersalt site today.  It shows a habit that would be tough to break.  You'll find it at:
www.cybersalt.org/funny-pictures/nunchucks 

Do you like to paint?  Better yet - are you good at painting.  We're painting the interior of Westside Bible Church today and tomorrow and all are welcome.  Food is provided, airfare is not included.

Enjoy the rest of today's mailing.


Here is today's CleanLaugh

Abe Lincoln's Age

lincoln memorialA father said to his son, "When Abe Lincoln was your age, he was studying books by the light of the fireplace."

The son replied, "When Lincoln was your age, he was President."

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Here is today's One-liner

One-liner #0846

"Some people say that I'm superficial, but that's just on the surface."mrcoolguy



Here is today's CleanPun

Thumb Twiddling

The person who invented thumb twiddling didn't do it singlehandedly. thumb-twiddling


Here is today's CleanQuote

Quote #1295

crumpled paperFour things you can't recover:

- The Stone after the throw
- The Word after it's said
- The Occasion after it's missed
- The Time after it's gone.


Here is today's Illustration

Investigation

black and_white_catA woman had a beautiful black cat with white feet, named Socks. Socks spent his days outside and came indoors only at night. One cool October evening, he disappeared.

She searched for him high and low for several days, but all in vain. The following spring, however, Socks reappeared, looking healthy and clean. She figured he'd just been out sowing his wild oats, and let it go at that.

Everything was back to normal until that autumn, when Socks once again disappeared. The next spring, just as the prior year, he returned. When it happened for the third year in a row, she became very perplexed, and decided to investigate. She started by asking her neighbors to see what, if any, information they might have.

She was down to the last house on the block, the home of an older couple. If they didn't have the answer, she wasn't sure where she would turn. So she went up and knocked on the door. The lady of the house answered, and she asked her, "By any chance, have you ever seen a black cat with 4 white feet around here?"

"A black cat?" the woman said. "With 4 white feet? Oh my, yes! He's the sweetest thing. My husband and I kept seeing him outside every fall. We hated it that the poor thing had to be out in the cold, so we decided that when we go south for the winter, we'd take him with us. He's been going to Florida with us every winter for the last few years."

Featured Illustrations are items well suited for illustrating or inspiring a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.


The Cybersalt Digest is a ministry of Pastor Tim and Cybersalt

www.cybersalt.org

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The Cybersalt Digest - Issue #3862 - April 26, 2012


Issue #3862


Cybersalt News

Oh look, Chicken Thursday!

There is a new entry in the FunBlog today.  Kermit the frog sang it wasn't easy being green, but this frog seems to have no problem with it:
www.cybersalt.org/funblog/sitting-frog

BTW, have you tried any of the deals on Groupon?  Mrs. Cybersalt and I have really enjoyed the few we've tried and their referral rewards are not that bad either!
www.groupon.com/r/uu16551507?dl=d47388

Enjoy the rest of today's mailing. 


Here is today's CleanLaugh

Tea For Two

teapotLittle Johnny was left to fix lunch.

When his mother returned with a friend, she noticed that Johnny had already strained the tea.

The two women then sipped their tea happily while having lunch.

"Was it hard finding the tea strainer in the kitchen?" Johnny's mother asked.

"I couldn't find it Ma, so I used the fly swatter," he replied.

His mother nearly fainted, so Johnny hastily added:

"Don't get excited, Ma, I used the old one!"

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Here is today's One-liner

One-liner #0845

dog oliver"Where I come from, the valleys are so narrow, dogs have to wag their tail up and down."
- Sam Snead



Here is today's CleanPun

Compliments

thumbs-upFishing for Compliments: Standing in the kitchen next to the toaster with my glass raised. Nothing.


Here is today's CleanQuote

Quote #1294

"If I could sum up my life in one line I would die of embarassment."tombstone


Here is today's Illustration

Parenting, Worry, Teens

clockA father said to his teenage daughter, "I want you home by 11:00 tonight."

"But Daddy," she protested, "I'm not a little girl anymore."

"You're right." he answered. "Better make it 10:30!"

Featured Illustrations are items well suited for illustrating or inspiring a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.


The Cybersalt Digest is a ministry of Pastor Tim and Cybersalt

www.cybersalt.org

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The Cybersalt Digest - Issue #3861 - April 25, 2012


Issue #3861


Cybersalt News

There is a new entry in the FunBlog today.  It's good news for those of you who have problems downloading YouTube videos.
www.cybersalt.org/funblog/the-youtube-collection

Enjoy the rest of today's mailing. 


Here is today's CleanLaugh

Boot Lesson

bootsA teacher was helping one of her kindergarten students put his boots on. He asked for help and she could see why. With her pulling and him pushing, the boots still didn't want to go on.

When the second boot was on, she had worked up a sweat. She almost whimpered when the little boy said, "Teacher, they're on the wrong feet."

She looked and sure enough, they were. It wasn't any easier pulling the boots off then it was putting them on. She managed to keep her cool as together they worked to get the boots back on - this time on the right feet.

He then announced, "These aren't my boots." She bit her tongue rather than get right in his face and scream, "Why didn't you say so?" like she wanted to. Once again she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off.

He then said, "They're my brother's boots. My Mom made me wear them." She didn't know if she should laugh or cry. She mustered up the grace to wrestle the boots on his feet again.

She said, "Now, where are your mittens?"

He said, "I tuffed them in the toes of my boots..."

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Here is today's One-liner

One-liner #0844

"Before they made him they broke the mold."



Here is today's CleanPun

Doing Nothing Today

nappingI don't feel like doing anything today.

I think I've got an enlarged procrastinate.


Here is today's CleanQuote

Quote #1293

school-house"No one ever teaches well who wants to teach, or governs well who wants to govern."
- Plato


Here is today's Illustration

Judge Gently

judge-gavelJudge Gently

Pray don’t find fault with the man who limps
Or stumbles along the road
Unless you have worn the shoes that hurt
Or struggled beneath his load
There may be tacks in his shoes that hurt,
Though hidden away from view
Or the burden he bears, placed on your back,
Might cause you to stumble, too.

Don’t sneer at the man who’s down today
Unless you have felt the blow
That caused his fall, or felt the same
That only the fallen know.
You may be strong, but still the blows
That were his, if dealt to you
In the self same way at the self same time,
Might cause you to stagger, too.

Don’t be too harsh with the man who sins
Or pelt him with words or stones,
Unless you are sure, yea, doubly sure,
That you have no sins of your own.
For you know perhaps, if the tempters voice
Should whisper as soft to you
As it did to him when he went astray,
‘Twould cause you to falter, too.

- Author Unknown

Featured Illustrations are items well suited for illustrating or inspiring a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.


The Cybersalt Digest is a ministry of Pastor Tim and Cybersalt

www.cybersalt.org

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  1. The Cybersalt Digest - Issue #3860 - April 22, 2012
  2. The Cybersalt Digest - Issue #3859 - April 21, 2012
  3. The Cybersalt Digest - Issue #3858 - April 20, 2012
  4. The Cybersalt Digest - Issue #3857 - April 19, 2012

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