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Cybersalt Digest Archive

The Cybersalt Digest - Issue #3880 - September 6, 2012


Issue #3880

Today's Table of Contents

Cybersalt News

Oh look, Chicken Thursday!

Yes, the color formatting of the mailings is still wonky.  Perhaps playing a game would distract you from this while I cut the news short in order to solve the problem!
www.cybersalt.org/entertainment/games

Enjoy the rest of today's mailing.


Here is today's CleanLaugh

Sharing

picture of elderly coupleUncle Sid and Aunt Sadie are in their eighties and have been married for more than sixty years.  They have farmed all their life and live a very simple life.  Their white frame house is not a show place, but it is a comfortable place to go and visit.  Aunt Sadie will have tea cakes in the cookie jar, which she will offer you along with a cup of strong black coffee brewed on the electric range in a tin coffee pot.

Both are what you would call "the salt of the earth" and their daily routine involves a lot of sharing which is one reason they have survived for so long.

The other day Uncle Sid decided to take Aunt Sadie out to eat.  They had never visited a fast food restaurant before and he decided to take her to the Burger Doodle in town.  As they entered the establishment that caters to a more younger crowd, heads began to turn.

With their simple clothing, and not so spry walk, the younger folks noticed right off that this couple from the farm was somewhat out of place. However, Uncle Sid walked right up to the counter an placed his order.  He ordered one hamburger, one order of French fries (taters as Uncle Sid called them), and one soft drink.

After getting his order, he and Aunt Sadie took a table near the back wall.  Uncle Sid unwrapped the hamburger and cut it in half.  He then placed one of the halves on a napkin and gave it to Aunt Sadie.  He then counted out the fries into two separate piles and placed one of the piles next to Aunt Sadie's hamburger half.  He then took a sip of the soft drink.  He gave it to Aunt Sadie and she took a drink.  Then they set it down between them and Uncle Sid began to eat his hamburger and fries.

During all of this preparation to eat, a young married couple across the restaurant had been watching them.  They were concerned about the old couple and came to the conclusion that Uncle Sid and Aunt Sadie could only afford one meal between them.

The young man approached Uncle Sid as he ate his hamburger and offered to buy them another meal.  Uncle Sid thanked him and told him they were just fine.  They were used to sharing everything.

As the young man returned to his table, his wife noticed that Aunt Sadie hadn't eaten a bite.  She was just sitting there watching Uncle Sid eat and taking a sip of the soft drink when it came her turn.

Again the young man came to their table and offered to buy them something else to eat.  This time Aunt Sadie told him thank you, but they were just fine and shared everything together.

Uncle Sid finished his hamburger and was wiping his mouth off when the young man came back to the table for the third time.  Again he offered to buy food for the old couple and again he was politely told no thank you.

He couldn't stand it any longer so he asked Aunt Sadie, "Why have you not eaten your half of the hamburger?  You said you share everything.  What is it that you are waiting for?"

With a grin on her face and a laugh in her voice, she said, "The teeth."

Now that's what I call sharing.

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Here is today's One-liner

One-liner #0862

shopping"Retail Therapy should be covered by health insurance."



Here is today's CleanPun

Eating Disorders

"a picture of ice creamEating Disorders: I scheme, you scheme, we all scheme for ice cream."


Here is today's CleanQuote

Quote #1311

cat-and-dog"In order to keep a true perspective of one's importance, everyone should have a dog that will worship him and a cat that will ignore him."
- Dereke Bruce, Taipei, Taiwan


Here is today's Illustration

Prayer Motivation

Picture of a Car CrashAs my five year old son and I were headed to McDonald's one day, we passed a car accident. Usually when we see something terrible like that, we say a prayer for those who might be hurt, so I pointed and said to my son, "We should pray."

From the back seat I heard his earnest request: "Please, God, don't let those cars block the entrance to McDonald's."

Featured Illustrations are items well suited for illustrating or inspiring a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.


The Cybersalt Digest is a ministry of Pastor Tim and Cybersalt

www.cybersalt.org

End of Newsletter

 

The Cybersalt Digest - Issue #3879 - September 5, 2012


Issue #3879

 
Today's Table of Contents

Cybersalt News

Happy September, everyone, and happy 24th birthday to my daughter, Alyssa.

September is that time of the year when so many go back to school.  Some parents, however, are a little too eager to send their kids back:
www.cybersalt.org/funny-car-pictures/back-to-school-rush

BTW, I realize that the formatting of today's mailing is off a bit.  I must have put the template file away wet after I used it the last time.

Enjoy the rest of today's mailing.


Here is today's CleanLaugh

Back To School

A Picture of a stack of booksAfter raising 4 kids, and losing one husband, I decided to return to college and get the degree I had started, but never finished. And so, on my first day of college, eager with anticipation, and more than a little nervous, I took a front row seat in my first class in over 40 years, a literature course.

The professor told us we would be responsible for reading five books over the course of the semester, and that he would provide us with a list of authors from which we could choose.

He ambled over to the lectern, took out his class book, and began "Baker, Black, Brooks, Carter, Cook..."

I was working feverishly to get down all the names, when I felt a tap on my shoulder.

The student behind me whispered, "Slow down! He's just taking attendance!"

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Here is today's One-liner

One-liner #0861

A Picture of Neil ArmstrongApparently Neil Armstrong used to tell unfunny jokes about the Moon and follow them up with, "Ah I guess you had to be there."



Here is today's CleanPun

Radio Shack Giveaway

a picture of batteriesFor those interested Radio Shack is giving away dead batteries today free of charge.
- David Manzi


Here is today's CleanQuote

Quote #1310

sunflower"Hapiness held is the seed; happiness shared is the flower."
- John Harrigan


Here is today's Illustration

Back To School Notes

back to_school_copyA wise schoolteacher sends this note to all parents on the first day of school:

"If you promise not to believe everything your child says happens at school, I'll promise not to believe everything he says happens at home."

Featured Illustrations are items well suited for illustrating or inspiring a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.


The Cybersalt Digest is a ministry of Pastor Tim and Cybersalt

www.cybersalt.org

End of Newsletter

 

The Cybersalt Digest - Issue #3878 - August 7, 2012


Issue #3878


Cybersalt News

For those of you who have been wondering if you have been missing mailings, I can confirm for you that you probably haven't.  The last 3 dates that issues have gone out are June 15, July 20, and July 26.  

One of the following is the reason things have been so intermittent:

- I was abducted by aliens and the implant they put in the back of my head caused an infection that required me to be held longer than usual.  During this time I was only able to sneak on the Internet 3 times.

- My last minute training and tanning for the Olympics was a huge preoccupation for me.  On the plus side, once again I am the gold medalist in the 100 metre dash.

- My obsession with figuring out how they get the caramel inside of Caramilk bars has once again taken over my life.

- I have been busy trying to catch up on working on other people's web pages so personal computer time has been at a premium.

There are three new pages on the Cybersalt site today.  You will find "Curiosity on Mars" at:
www.cybersalt.org/funny-pictures/curiosity-on-mars

You will find "Deaf Cat Sign" at:
www.cybersalt.org/funny-cat-pictures/deaf-cat-sign

You will find "Cat Olympics" at:
www.cybersalt.org/funny-cat-pictures/cat-olympics

Enjoy the rest of today's mailing - I have to start warming up for today's men's triathlon.


Here is today's CleanLaugh

*Stupid Things Actually Said By Commentators In The World Of Soccer*

*Stupid Things Actually Said By Commentators In The World Of Soccer*

soccer-ball-and-net1.  Well, it's Liverpool two, Ipswich nil, and if the score stays this way, I've got to fancy Liverpool for the win.

2.  He had an eternity to play that ball, but took too long.

3.  And so they have not been able to improve on their 100% record.

4.  With the last kick of the game, he scored with a header.

5.  Well, it's a fabulous kaleidoscope of colour: almost all the Brazilians are wearing yellow shirts.

6.  If that had gone on, it would definitely have been a goal.

7.  Their manager, Howard Wilkinson, isn't here today, which strongly suggests that he may be elsewhere.

8.  I am a firm believer that if one team scores a goal, the other need to score two to win.

9.  If a team scores early on, it often takes an early lead.

10.  You cannot possibly have counted the number of passes made, but there were eight.

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Here is today's One-liner

One-liner #0860

picture of people"I used to be a people person but people ruined that for me."



Here is today's CleanPun

Tennis Players

picture of a tennis ballLove means nothing to tennis players.


Here is today's CleanQuote

Quote #1309

picture of a heart question mark"We accept the love we think we deserve."


Here is today's Illustration

Marriage Vows

picture of a wedding cake topperKen and Marjorie finished their breakfast at the retirement home and were relaxing in the library.

"You know," said Marjorie, "today, in most marriage ceremonies, they don't use the word 'obey' anymore."

"Too bad, isn't it?" retorted Ken. "It used to lend a little humour to the occasion."

Featured Illustrations are items well suited for illustrating or inspiring a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.


The Cybersalt Digest is a ministry of Pastor Tim and Cybersalt

www.cybersalt.org

End of Newsletter

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The Cybersalt Digest - Issue #3877 - July 26, 2012


Issue #3877


Cybersalt News

Oh look, Chicken Thursday!

Today's Cybersalt news is really big.  Mrs. Cybersalt and I are going to be grandparents; our eldest daughter and husband are expecting in February!

We've known this wonderful news since the beginning of June, but have been waiting for the go ahead to spread the word.  Keeping our excitement a secret that long probably aged the both of us, but that doesn't matter because as young as we are (I am 46 and my wife is not) it will be at long time before this child looks at pictures of us today and realizes just how much life we have in us.

Needless to say, our whole family is thrilled - as evidenced by this picture of my mom (who is also not 46) taken right after she learned - via a special note in her birthday card - that she was going to be a great grandmother.

picture of a great grandmother

Enjoy the rest of today's mailing.


Here is today's CleanLaugh

Tips For Student Pilots

Picture of a student pilotTips for student pilots.

1. Takeoffs are optional. Landings are mandatory.

2. If you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger. If you pull the stick back, they get smaller.

3. Flying isn't dangerous. Crashing is dangerous.

4. It's always better to be down here wishing you were up there than up there wishing you were down here.

5. The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.

6. The propeller is just a big fan in front of the plane used to keep the pilot cool. When it stops, you can actually watch the pilot start sweating.

7. When in doubt, hold on to your altitude. No one has ever collided with the sky.

[gbw]8. A "good" landing is one from which you can walk away. A "great" landing is one after which they can use the plane again.

9. Learn from the mistakes of others. You won't live long enough to make all of them yourself.

10. You know you've landed with the wheels up if it takes full power to taxi to the ramp.

11. The probability of survival is inversely proportional to the angle of arrival. Large angle of arrival equals a small probability of survival -- and vice versa.

12. Never let an airplane take you somewhere your brain didn't get to five minutes earlier.

13. Stay out of clouds. The silver lining everyone keeps talking about might be another airplane going in the opposite direction.

14. Reliable sources also report that mountains have been known to hide out in clouds.

15. There are three simple rules for making a smooth landing.

Unfortunately, no one knows what they are.

16. You start with a bag full of luck and an empty bag of experience. The trick is to fill the bag of experience before you empty the bag of luck.

17. Keep looking around. There's always something you've missed.

18. If all you can see out of the windscreen is ground that's going round and round and all you can hear is commotion coming from the passenger compartment, things are not at all as they should be.

19. In the ongoing battle between objects made of aluminum going hundreds of miles per hour and the ground going zero miles per hour, the ground has yet to lose.

20. Good judgment comes from experience. Unfortunately, experience usually comes from bad judgment.

21. It's always a good idea to keep the pointy end going forward as much as possible.

22. There are old pilots and there are bold pilots. There are, however, no old, bold pilots.

23. Remember, gravity is not just a good idea. It's the law. And it's not subject to repeal.

24. Always try to keep the number of landings you make equal to the number of takeoffs you've made.

25. The three most useless things to a pilot are altitude above you, runway behind you, and a tenth of a second ago.

And a bonus tip:

Helicopters can't fly; they're just so ugly the earth repels them.

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Here is today's One-liner

One-liner #0859

Be An Optimist: No sense being pessimistic...it won't work anyway.Picture of an optimist



Here is today's CleanPun

Small Groups

Small Groups: Waiting for the ambience to take me to the hospitable.paper chain_people


Here is today's CleanQuote

Quote #1308

friends"A friend is a gift you give yourself."
- Robert Louis Stevenson


Here is today's Illustration

Children in Restaurants

restaurant-signThe waitress comes over and recognizes the family seated at the table -- Mr. and Mrs. Smith and their little son, Jonathan. She says, "Jonathan, what would you like?"

He says, "I'll have a grilled cheese sandwich."

She says, "Jonathan, I'm sorry, we don't serve grilled cheese sandwiches."

He says, "You have a grill, don't you?"

She says, "Yes."

He says, "You have cheese, don't you?"

She says, "Yes."

He says, "You have bread, don't you?"

She says, "Yes."

He says, "Well, I'll have a grilled cheese sandwich."

This kid is four years old!

The waitress says, "Jonathan, I'll go see if the chef will fix you a grilled cheese sandwich."

She comes back in a little while and says, "Okay, Jonathan, the chef agreed to fix you a grilled cheese sandwich. I forgot to ask you, though, what you want to drink."

He says, "I'll have a milkshake."

She says, "Jonathan, your parents have probably already told you we don't serve milkshakes." (She was ready for him this time.) "Now, it is true we have milk. And it is true we have ice cream. But we don't have the syrup."

He says, "You have a car, don't you?"

Featured Illustrations are items well suited for illustrating or inspiring a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.


The Cybersalt Digest is a ministry of Pastor Tim and Cybersalt

www.cybersalt.org

End of Newsletter

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The Cybersalt Digest - Issue #3876 - July 20, 2012


Issue #3876


Cybersalt News

Pastor Tim slinks quietly back into your inbox . . . .

I thought I better send out a mailing since so many have been e-mailing me and wondering if I am OK or occupied with performing community service after being convicted of some fashion faux-pas.  All is well, so let not your hearts be troubled; I've just been busy with a pretty full plate that I am trying to keep spinning aling with all the other important things - like personal hygeine.

I have been adding things to the Cybersalt Sites from time to time (as those of you who follow via my social media posts).  If you'd like to catch up on some of those things check out the following links:

Some updated funny car pictures:
www.cybersalt.org/entertainment/funny-car-pictures

Some FunBlog entries:
www.cybersalt.org/entertainment/funblog

Video of a rare thunderstorm at Cybersalt World Headquarters:
www.cybersalt.org/cybersalt-news/cybersalt-news-july-15-2012

If you aren't already following Cybersalt on your favorite social media channel here are some links to make that happen:

Facebook - www.facebook.com/cybersaltsite
Pintrest - pinterest.com/cybersalt
Stumbleupon - www.stumbleupon.com/stumbler/cybersalt
Bolt - bo.lt/app/account/cybersalt/collections
Twitter - twitter.com/cybersalt
Google+ - gplus.to/cybersalt
LinkedIn - www.linkedin.com/in/cybersalt

Enjoy the rest of today's mailing!


Here is today's CleanLaugh

Shoe Cover-Up

a picture of a high-heel-shoeOne day a man drove his secretary home after she fell quite ill at work. Although this was an innocent gesture, he decided not to mention it to his wife, who tended to get jealous easily.

Later, that night the man and his wife were driving to a restaurant.

Suddenly he looked down and spotted a high-heel shoe half hidden under the passenger seat. Not wanting to be conspicuous, he waited until his wife was looking out her window before he scooped up the shoe and tossed it out of the car. With a sigh of relief, he pulled into the restaurant parking lot. That's when he noticed his wife squirming around in her seat.

"Honey," she asked, "have you seen my other shoe?"

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Here is today's One-liner

One-liner #0858

picture of a pumpkin patchAnyone who says an onion is the only vegetable that will make you cry has never been hit in the face with a pumpkin.



Here is today's CleanPun

Perching Parrots

a picture of two parrots on a perchTwo Parrots are on a perch.

One says: "Can you smell fish?"


Here is today's CleanQuote

Quote #1307

‎"I would rather live my life as if there is a God and die to find out there isn't, than live my life as if there isn't and die to find out there is."
- Albert Camus


Here is today's Illustration

Obituary - Someone Else

"Obituary - Someone Else"

picture of a white Venetian maskOur church was saddened to learn this week of the death of one of our most valued members, Someone Else.

Someone's passing creates a vacancy that will be difficult to fill. Else has been with us for many years and for every one of those years, Someone did far more than a normal person's share of the work.

Whenever there was a job to do, a class to teach, or a meeting to attend, one name was on everyone's list, "Let Someone Else do it." Whenever leadership was mentioned, this wonderful person was looked to for inspiration as well as results; "Someone Else can work with that group."

It was common knowledge that Someone Else was among the most liberal givers in our church. Whenever there was a financial need, everyone just assumed Someone Else would make up the difference.

Someone Else was a wonderful person; sometimes appearing superhuman. Were the truth known, everybody expected too much of Someone Else. Now Someone Else is gone! We wonder what we are going to do.

Someone Else left a wonderful example to follow, but who is going to follow it? Who is going to do the things Someone Else did? When you are asked to help this year, remember - we can't depend on Someone Else anymore.

- Author Unknown

Featured Illustrations are items well suited for illustrating or inspiring a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.


The Cybersalt Digest is a ministry of Pastor Tim and Cybersalt

www.cybersalt.org

End of Newsletter

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  1. The Cybersalt Digest - Issue #3875 - June 15, 2012
  2. The Cybersalt Digest - Issue #3874 - June 14, 2012
  3. The Cybersalt Digest - Issue #3873 - June 10, 2012
  4. The Cybersalt Digest - Issue #3872 - May 23, 2012

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