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Cybersalt Digest Archive

The Cybersalt Digest - Issue #3890 - October 10, 2012


Issue #3890

Today's Table of Contents

Cybersalt News

There is a new funny picture on the Cybersalt site today.  OK, the picture isn't funny, but I think the caption is! (Thanks to Joy P-P for the idea). You will find, "There Was A Spider" at:
www.cybersalt.org/funny-pictures/there-was-a-spider

Enjoy the rest of today's mailing.


Here is today's CleanLaugh

More Bumper Stickers

picture of a bumper sticker on a guitar* FAILURE IS NOT AN OPTION! It comes bundled with the software.

* I can't dial 911. There's no 11 on my phone.

* I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was, "Always".

* What is a free gift? Aren't all gifts free?

* Can you yell "MOVIE!" in a crowded fire station?

* It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.

* If ignorance is bliss, why aren't more people happy?

* To vacillate or not to vacillate, that is the question.... ....or is it?

* Sometimes I wake up grumpy. Other times I let her sleep.

* I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.

* I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months. She gets mad if I interrupt her.

* Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes.

* A closed mouth gathers no foot.

* What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

* Where there's smoke, there's dinner.

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Here is today's One-liner

One-liner #0871

picture of a pig up close "The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes."



Here is today's CleanPun

Cartoonist News Flash

garden sketchNewsflash: Cartoonist found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.


Here is today's CleanQuote

Quote #1320

railyard"A man who has never gone to school may steal from a freight car; but if he has a university education he may steal the whole railroad."
-  Theodore Roosevelt 


Here is today's Illustration

Guidance

horses-times-2Just up the road from my home is a field, with two horses in it. From a distance, each looks like every other horse.

But if one stops the car, or is walking by, one will notice something quite amazing.

Looking into the eyes of one horse will disclose that he is blind. His owner has chosen not to have him put down, but has made a good home for him. This alone is amazing.

Listening, one will hear the sound of a bell. Looking around for the source of the sound, one will see that it comes from the smaller horse in the field. Attached to her bridle is a small bell. It lets her blind friend know where she is, so he can follow her.

As one stands and watches these two friends, one sees how she is always checking on him, and that he will listen for her bell and then slowly walk to where she is trusting that she will not lead him astray.

Like the owners of these two horses, God does not throw us away just because we are not perfect or because we have problems or challenges. He watches over us and even brings others into our lives to help us when we are in need.

Sometimes we are the blind horse being guided by God and those whom he places in our lives. Other times we are the guide horse, helping others see God.

Featured Illustrations are items well suited for illustrating or inspiring a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.


The Cybersalt Digest is a ministry of Pastor Tim and Cybersalt

www.cybersalt.org

End of Newsletter

 

The Cybersalt Digest - Issue #3889 - October 9, 2012


Issue #3889

Today's Table of Contents

Cybersalt News

There is a new funny picture on the Cybersalt site today.  You will find "Bike Lock Sandals" at:
www.cybersalt.org/funny-pictures/bike-lock-sandals

Enjoy the rest of today's mailing.


Here is today's CleanLaugh

Workin' on the Railroad

railway tracks

Benny wanted a job as a signalman on the railways.

At his interview, the inspector asked him this question:

"What would you do if you saw 2 trains heading for each other on the SAME track?

Benny replied," I would switch the points for one of the trains."

"Good. But what if the lever broke?", asked the inspector.

"Then I'd run down to the signal box", said Benny, "and use the manual lever there."

"What if lightning struck it?' asked the inspector.

"Then..." Benny continued, "I'd run back into signal box & phone the next signal box."

"What if the phone was engaged?"

"Well.....in that case," persevered Benny, " I'd rush down out of the box & use the public emergency phone at the level crossing up there..."

"What would you do if THAT was vandalized?"

[gbw]"Oh, well then I'd run into the village & get my Uncle Toby."

This bizarre response puzzled the Inspector, so he asked, "And just why would you do that??"

"Because Uncle Toby... He's never seen a train wreck!!"

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Here is today's One-liner

One-liner #0870

kid-party"The main purpose of holding children's parties is to remind yourself that there are children more awful than your own."



Here is today's CleanPun

Off To Home Depot

bucket"Well, I'm off to Home Depot - need to buy a couple of large pails for some outside chores, a medium pail for some inside washing, and maybe a small pail for taking to the beach. And there you have it; that's my bucket list."
- David Manzi             


Here is today's CleanQuote

Quote #1319

picture of a cross"The quality of faith a person has is irrelevant, it is the object that that faith is placed in that is significant."


Here is today's Illustration

Details

picture of a chocolate cakeA man walked into a very expensive bakery shop where they specialized in making cakes to order.

"I'd like you to bake me a cake in the shape of the letter "S," he said. "Can you do that?"

"Why certainly!" said the baker. "We can make a cake in any shape at all. When would you like it to be ready.?"

"Have it ready by tomorrow at 3 o'clock, I'll call for it," said the man.

The next day at three o'clock, the man came in for his cake. The baker proudly displayed the cake he had made. It was shaped like the letter S and decorated beautifully.

"Oh!" cried the man. "That's all wrong! That's not what I want. You made it in the shape of a regular printed S. I wanted a graceful script S. That won't do at all!"

"I'm terribly sorry you're so disappointed," said the baker. "We aim to please. I'll make you another cake at no extra charge. Don't worry."

[gbw]All right, then," said the man. "I'll be back at 6 o'clock for the cake. And this time I hope it's right."

At six o'clock the man came in. The baker brought in the new cake. He was all smiles. "Isn't this a beauty!' he exclaimed.

The man looked at the cake. His face lit up.

"That's perfect!" he said. "Just what I wanted."

"I'm delighted," said the baker. "Now tell me, sir, what kind of a box shall I put it in?"

"Oh, don't bother wrapping it up," said the man, "I'll eat it here."

Featured Illustrations are items well suited for illustrating or inspiring a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.


The Cybersalt Digest is a ministry of Pastor Tim and Cybersalt

www.cybersalt.org

End of Newsletter

 

The Cybersalt Digest - Issue #3888 - October 8, 2012


Issue #3888

Today's Table of Contents

Cybersalt News

Happy Canadian Thanksgiving to everyone in the great white north!

There is a new funny cat picture on the Cybersalt Site today.  You'll find "Cat Laxatives" at:
www.cybersalt.org/funny-cat-pictures/cat-laxatives

Enjoy the rest of today's mailing.


Here is today's CleanLaugh

Pierced Ears

picture of pierced earsThe students in my third-grade class were bombarding me with questions about my newly pierced ears.

"Does the hole go all the way through?" "Yes."

"Did it hurt?" "Just a little."

"Did they stick a needle through your ears?" "No, they used a special gun."

Silence followed, and then one solemn voice called out, "How far away did they stand?"

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Here is today's One-liner

One-liner #0869

a picture of batman"The worst part about sharing a name with someone famous: you're always telling people, no, I'm not THAT Batman."



Here is today's CleanPun

Toothaches

toothache"A toothache is a pain that drives you to extraction."


Here is today's CleanQuote

Quote #1318

a picture of someone worshipping"In the day-to-day trenches of adult life, there is actually no such thing as atheism. There is no such thing as not worshipping. Everybody worships. The only choice we get is what to worship. And an outstanding reason for choosing some sort of God or spiritual-type thing to worship — is that pretty much anything else you worship will eat you alive. If you worship money and things — if they are where you tap real meaning in life — then you will never have enough. Never feel you have enough. It’s the truth. Worship your own body and beauty and sexual allure and you will always feel ugly, and when time and age start showing, you will die a million deaths before they finally plant you. On one level, we all know this stuff already — the trick is keeping the truth up-front in daily consciousness. Worship power — you will feel weak and afraid, and you will need ever more power over others to keep the fear at bay. Worship your intellect, being seen as smart — you will end up feeling stupid, a fraud, always on the verge of being found out. And so on."
- David Foster Wallace


Here is today's Illustration

Answered Prayer

picture of lips whistlingDuring the minister's prayer, one Sunday, there was a loud whistle from one of the back pews. Gary's mother was horrified. She pinched him into silence and, after church, asked, "Gary, whatever made you do such a thing?"

Gary answered, soberly, "I asked God to teach me to whistle. and He just then did!"

Featured Illustrations are items well suited for illustrating or inspiring a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.


The Cybersalt Digest is a ministry of Pastor Tim and Cybersalt

www.cybersalt.org

End of Newsletter

 

The Cybersalt Digest - Issue #3887 - October 7, 2012


Issue #3887

Today's Table of Contents

Cybersalt News

Sunday greetings everyone.

There is a Rev. James Snyder article featured on the Cybersalt site today.  You'll find "Early To Bed, Early To Rise, Makes A Man Want To Cry" at:
www.cybersalt.org

Enjoy the rest of today's mailing.


Here is today's CleanLaugh

Laws of Computing

computer-keyboard*Laws of Computing*

* When computing, whatever happens, behave as though you meant it to happen.

* When you get to the point where you really understand your computer, it's probably obsolete.

* The first place to look for information is in the section of the manual where you least expect to find it.

* When the going gets tough, upgrade.

* For every action, there is an equal and opposite malfunction.

* To err is human . . . To blame your computer for your mistakes is even more human, it is downright natural.

* If at first you do not succeed, blame your computer.

* A complex system that does not work is invariably found to have evolved from a simpler system that worked perfectly.

* The number one cause of computer problems? Computer solutions offered by family members.

And if I may add - The best line I have heard when trying to explain to new computer users why something is happening that you don't understand is:

"I think you have a problem with the interface between the chair and the keyboard."

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The Cybersalt Digest is a ministry of Pastor Tim and Cybersalt

www.cybersalt.org

End of Newsletter

 

The Cybersalt Digest - Issue #3886 - October 6, 2012


Issue #3886

Today's Table of Contents

Cybersalt News

There is a new funny picture on the Cybersalt site today.  You'll find "Hygiene Date Help" at:
www.cybersalt.org/funny-pictures/hygiene-date-help

There is also a new FunBlog entry on the site as well.  Check out "Toy Train In Space" at:
www.cybersalt.org/funblog/toy-train-in-space

Enjoy the rest of today's mailing.


Here is today's CleanLaugh

I'll Testify To That

picture of a judge's gavelSeveral women, each trying to one-up the other, appeared in court, each accusing the others of causing the trouble they were having in the apartment building where they lived.

The judge, with Solomon-like wisdom decreed, "Okay, I'm ready to hear the evidence...I'll hear the oldest first."

The case was dismissed for lack of testimony.

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Here is today's One-liner

One-liner #0868

picture of a Swiss Army knifeThe Swiss Army could totally dismantle the Swedish Army if they just added an Allen wrench to their knives.



Here is today's CleanPun

Cats Are Resting

picture of a sleeping catCats everywhere resting securely now that Curiosity is far away on Mars.


Here is today's CleanQuote

Quote #1317

picture of a laughing mask“Any community that gets its laughs by pretending to be idiots will eventually be flooded by actual idiots who mistakenly believe that they’re in good company.”
- Rene Descartes


Here is today's Illustration

Complaining

picture of a train conductorA passenger train was creeping along painfully slowly when finally it creaked to a complete halt.

One passenger saw a conductor walking by outside and yelled, "What's going on?"

"Cow on the track!" replied the conductor.

Ten minutes later, the train resumed its slow pace, but within five minutes, it stopped again.

The same woman saw the same conductor walking by again and leaned out the window and yelled,

"What happened? Did we catch up with the cow again?

Featured Illustrations are items well suited for illustrating or inspiring a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.


The Cybersalt Digest is a ministry of Pastor Tim and Cybersalt

www.cybersalt.org

End of Newsletter

 
  1. The Cybersalt Digest - Issue #3885 - October 5, 2012
  2. The Cybersalt Digest - Issue #3884 - October 4, 2012
  3. The Cybersalt Digest - Issue #3883 - September 14, 2012
  4. The Cybersalt Digest - Issue #3882 - September 13, 2012

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