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Cybersalt Digest Archive

The Cybersalt Digest - Issue #3875 - June 15, 2012


Issue #3875


Cybersalt News

A heartfelt Cybersalt shout-out goes to subscriber Stephen P. for noting that yesterday's Chicken Thursday was not observed accordingly.  It is always comforting to be reminded that I am not the only person who needs to get a life!

Father's Day is this Sunday.  Ladies, if your husband has every bought you a Mother's Day gift that missed the mark, now is your chance for Father's Day Revenge.
www.cybersalt.org/funny-pictures/fathers-day-revenge

Enjoy the rest of today's mailing


Here is today's CleanLaugh

Dad's Pay Check

picture of dad and sonThree boys are in the schoolyard bragging about their fathers.

The first boy says, "My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50."

The second boy says, "That's nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100."

The third boy says, "I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon. And it takes eight people to collect all the money!"

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Here is today's One-liner

Onliner #0857

oreos"Cleaning with kids in the house is like brushing your teeth while eating Oreos."



Here is today's CleanPun

Good Eye

kangaroo"Good Eye Might" is impossible to say that without sounding like a friendly Australian.


Here is today's CleanQuote

Quote #1306

"There is only one difference between a long life and a good dinner: that, in the dinner, the sweets come last."
- Robert Louis Stevenson


Here is today's Illustration

The Fatherhood Cycle

father-feet4 years: "My Daddy can do anything."

7 years: "My Dad knows a lot, a whole lot."

12 years: "Oh, well - naturally - Father doesn't know that either."

14 years: "Father? Hopelessly old-fashioned."

21 years: "Oh, that man is so out-of-date. What did you expect?"

25 years: "He knows a little bit about it - but not much."

30 years: "Maybe we ought to find out what Dad thinks."

35 years: "Let's ask Dad what he would do before we make a decision."

40 years: "I wonder what Dad would have thought about that? He was pretty smart."

50 years: "My Dad knew absolutely everything."

60 years: "I'd give anything if Dad were here so I could talk this over with him. I really miss that man."

Featured Illustrations are items well suited for illustrating or inspiring a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.


The Cybersalt Digest is a ministry of Pastor Tim and Cybersalt

www.cybersalt.org

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The Cybersalt Digest - Issue #3874 - June 14, 2012


Issue #3874


Cybersalt News

There is a new entry in the Funblog today. I think you'll be amazed as some kittens perform an interpretive dance depicting the common man's struggle to get ahead in today's economy.
www.cybersalt.org/funblog/kittens-on-a-slide-treadmill 

Enjoy the rest of today's mailing.


Here is today's CleanLaugh

Ahh . . . Friendship

envelopeA man, fond of practical jokes, decided late one night to send his friend a collect telegram which read: "I am perfectly well."

A week later, the joker received a heavy parcel...collect...on which he had to pay considerable charges. Upon opening it, he found a big block of concrete which had this message:

"This is the weight your telegram lifted from my mind."

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Here is today's One-liner

One-liner #0856

picture of a cupcake"Diets are hard - today I had cupcakes without sprinkles."



Here is today's CleanPun

More Rooms

picture of old brick office buildingsThe office could use some more rooms, but that's a whole other storey.


Here is today's CleanQuote

Quote #1305

A picture of a target and arrow"Failure is success if we learn from it."
- Malcom Forbes 


Here is today's Illustration

Persistence

A picture of a streetlightA South African woman who thought her electricity bills were high didn't realize her meter was connected to all of her neighborhood street lights for 35 years. Minnie Swan complained for years about the size of the bill for her house in Colenso, KwaZulu-Natal.

The 92-year-old widow's brother eventually convinced the electric company to install a new meter and workers made the discovery. Her brother told news reporters that it appears the original work was done 35 years ago when Minnie bought her house in the then new neighborhood.

Featured Illustrations are items well suited for illustrating or inspiring a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.


The Cybersalt Digest is a ministry of Pastor Tim and Cybersalt

www.cybersalt.org

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The Cybersalt Digest - Issue #3873 - June 10, 2012


Issue #3873


Cybersalt News

Sunday greetings everyone.  Yes, I'm still alive and keeping my nostrils mostly above the work waters!

I've just caught up on updating the sermon recordings on the Westside Bible Church web site.  Though you can't judge a book by it's cover, sometimes you can get an idea of a sermon from its title, so here are the titles of the latest additions: 

When God Says No To Healing

Evangelism in a Post-Christian Age

Living As A Grief Trap

How To Snatch Failure From the Jaws of Victory

Who Are You More Afraid Of?

Working in Vain

You will find these and other sermons at:
www.westsidefamily.org/multimedia-podcast/messages

Enjoy the rest of today's mailing.


Here is today's CleanLaugh

Battling Salons

haircutA new hair salon opened up for business right across the street from the old established hair cutters' place.

They put up a big bold sign which read:
"WE GIVE SEVEN DOLLAR HAIR CUTS!"

Not to be outdone, the old Master Barber put up his own sign:
"WE FIX SEVEN DOLLAR HAIR CUTS"

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Here is today's One-liner

One-liner #0855

"Cigarettes are pretty much like cats: perfectly harmless unless you put one in your mouth and try to set fire to it."



Here is today's CleanPun

Communism Class

"I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx."


Here is today's CleanQuote

Quote #1304

‎"A test of a people is how it behaves toward the old. It is easy to love children. Even tyrants and dictators make a point of being fond of children. But the affection and care for the old, the incurable, the helpless are the true gold mines of a culture."
- Abraham J. Heschel


Here is today's Illustration

Cost Of Farming

barnsA farmer wins the ten million dollar lottery and is being interviewed. He is asked what he is going to do with all the money.

"Oh, I guess the first thing I'll do is go and pay a few bills"

"And what about the rest?", the reporter asks.

Farmer shrugs. "Well, I guess they'll just have to wait."

Featured Illustrations are items well suited for illustrating or inspiring a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.


The Cybersalt Digest is a ministry of Pastor Tim and Cybersalt

www.cybersalt.org

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The Cybersalt Digest - Issue #3872 - May 23, 2012


Issue #3872


Cybersalt News

Please note that if you are visually impaired and use software to help you read e-mails, the Cybersalt Digest is available in text only format.  If this would work better for you, please reply to this mailing and let me know and I'll set you up under that format.

I recently completed a web site for a lovely senior couple who sell a cure for certain causes of snoring.  Yeah, I know what you are thinking but I can tell you this works because one night Mrs. Cybersalt used it on me me when I was keeping her awake (no, it's not a hammer!)  Bill and Joan Wolf's site is www.snorenomore.ca

There is a new entry in the FunBlog today.  Check out that amazing optical illusion "Ugly Is In The Crossed Eyes Of The Beholder" at:
www.cybersalt.org/funblog/ugly-is-in-the-crossed-eyes-of-the-beholder 

Enjoy the rest of today's mailing.


Here is today's CleanLaugh

Lunch On The Bank

riverA pastor and two of his deacons are out on the river fishing in their rowboat. Twelve o'clock rolls around, and one of the deacons notices a nice spot on the bank to have lunch. He turns to the others and says, "That looks like a nice spot for lunch. What do you say we have lunch over there?"

The other deacon agrees, and so does the pastor. The deacon stands up in the boat, steps out onto the river and walks over to the bank. The pastor looks on with amazement, and thinks to himself, if his deacon is holy enough to walk on water, surely he can.

The other deacon stands up, picks up the picnic basket, steps out of the boat, and walks over to the bank and sits with the first deacon. Again, to his amazement, the pastor thinks again, if his second deacon is holy enough to walk on water, surely he can.

The pastor stands up, steps out of the boat, and sinks into the water. The first deacon turns to the second and says, "Think we should have told him where the rocks are?"

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Here is today's One-liner

One-liner #0854

"I don't date women my own age, there are no women my own age."
- George Burns 



Here is today's CleanPun

Termite Question

A termite walks into a bar and asks, "Is the bar tender here?"


Here is today's CleanQuote

Quote #1303

“There are no more committed people on the planet than surfers. We fall down a lot. We turn around, paddle back out, and do it over and over again. Unlike anything else in life, the stoke of surfing is so high that the failures quickly fade from memory.”
- Surfer, Gary Sirota.


Here is today's Illustration

Choosing A Successor

picture of a boardroomA successful businessman knew it was time to choose a successor to lead his business. Instead of appointing one of his directors, or one of his children, he decided to call the company's young executives together. He said, "It is time for me to choose the next CEO. I have decided to select one of you." 

The young executives were shocked, but the CEO continued. "I am going to give each of you a SEED today - a very special SEED. Plant the seed, water it, and one year from today bring what you have grown from the seed I have given you. I will judge the plants you bring, and choose our next CEO."

One of the leaders, Jim, excitedly told his wife about the plan. She helped him get a pot, soil and compost, and he planted his seed. Every day, he watered it and watched to see if it had grown. Soon some of the other executives began talking about their seeds and the plants beginning to grow.

Jim kept checking his seed, but nothing ever grew. Weeks went by, but still nothing. Everyone else was talking about their plants, but Jim had no growth and felt like a failure. Six months passed, but still nothing in Jim's pot. He concluded he had killed his seed, but said nothing to his colleagues.

He continued watering and fertilizing the soil - he desperately wanted his seed to grow. When the year ended, the young executives were instructed to bring their plants to the CEO for inspection. Jim told his wife he refused to take an empty pot to his workplace, but she urged him to be honest about what had happened. It was going to be Jim's most embarrassing moment, but he knew his wife was right. 

Jim took his empty pot to the boardroom. When he arrived, the variety of plants the other executives had grown amazed him. They were beautiful - in many shapes and sizes. When Jim put his empty pot on the floor, many of his colleagues laughed. When the CEO arrived, Jim attempted to conceal himself in back. 

"My, what wonderful plants, trees and flowers you have grown," said the CEO. "Today one of you will be appointed the next CEO!" Then the CEO noticed Jim. He invited Jim to the front - with his empty pot.

Jim was terrified. "The CEO knows I'm a failure! Maybe he will have me fired!" When Jim got to the front, the CEO asked what had happened to his seed. Jim explained despite his best efforts, nothing had grown. The CEO turned to the group and asked everyone to sit down, except Jim. He then looked at Jim and announced, "Behold your next Chief Executive Officer! His name is Jim!" 

Then the CEO explained: "One year ago today, I gave everyone in this room a seed. I told you to take the seed, plant it, water it, and bring it back in a year. But I gave you all boiled seeds; it was not possible for them to grow. All of you, except Jim, have brought healthy plants and flowers. When you found the seed would not grow, you substituted a different one. Jim was the only one with the courage and honesty to bring me a pot with my seed in it. Therefore, he is the one who will be the new Chief Executive Officer!"

It is said: If you plant honesty, you will reap trust. If you plant goodness, you will reap friends. If you plant humility, you will reap greatness. If you plant perseverance, you will reap contentment. If you plant hard work, you will reap success. If you plant forgiveness, you will reap reconciliation. If you plant faith, you will reap a harvest. So be careful what you plant now: it will determine what you will reap later.

"The man of integrity walks securely, but he who takes crooked paths will be found out" (Proverbs 10:9).

"The integrity of the upright guides them, but the unfaithful are destroyed by their duplicity" (Proverbs 11:3)

Featured Illustrations are items well suited for illustrating or inspiring a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.


The Cybersalt Digest is a ministry of Pastor Tim and Cybersalt

www.cybersalt.org

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The Cybersalt Digest - Issue #3871 - May 22, 2012


Issue #3871


Cybersalt News

A Cybersaltine was at Cybersalt World Headquarters yesterday and while we talked she was surprised to learn that there are games to play on the Cybersalt site.  Did you know that?  You can find links to them all at:
www.cybersalt.org/entertainment/games

Amongst the most popular are:
Bubble Shooter - http://www.cybersalt.org/games/bubble-shooter
Colored Bricks - http://www.cybersalt.org/games/colored-bricks
Random Defence - http://www.cybersalt.org/games/random-defence
Penguin Diner - http://www.cybersalt.org/games/penguin-diner
Cat Herding - http://www.cybersalt.org/games/cat-herding

Enjoy the rest of today's mailing.


Here is today's CleanLaugh

You are a lousy cook if.…

Picture of a chef with thumb downYou are a lousy cook if....

Your family automatically heads for the table every time they hear a fire siren.

Anyone has ever broken a tooth eating your homemade yoghurt.

Your kids know what "peas porridge in a pot nine days old" tastes like.

Your son goes outside to make mud pies, the rest of the family grabs forks and follows him.

Your kids' favorite drink is Alka-Seltzer.

You have to buy 25 pounds of dog food twice a week for your toy poodle.

Your kids got even with the neighborhood bully by inviting him over for dinner.

Your husband refers to the smoke detector as the oven timer.

No matter what you do to it the gravy still turns bright purple.

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Here is today's One-liner

One-liner #0853

exclamation mark"They don't pay taxes, they barely speak English and they want our jobs - something must be done about children."



Here is today's CleanPun

Dear Math

Dear Math,

Stop asking us to find your X.

She's not coming back and don't ask Y either.


Here is today's CleanQuote

Quote #1302

"God wants full custody, not just weekend visits."


Here is today's Illustration

Tell Them Now

If with pleasure you are viewing
Any work a man is doing,
If you like him or you love him tell him now.

Don't withhold your approbation
Till the parson makes oration
And he lies with snowy lilies on his brow,

For no matter how you shout it
He won't really care about it
He won't know how many teardrops you have shed

So if some praise is due him
Now's the time to slip it to him
For he cannot read his tombstone when he's dead.

More than fame and more than money
Is the comment kind and sunny
And the hearty warm approval of a friend,

For it gives to life a savor
And it makes you stronger, braver,
And it gives you heart and courage to the end.

If he earns your praise, bestow it
If you like him, let him know it
Let the words of true encouragement be said.

Do not wait till life is over
And he's underneath the clover,
For he cannot read his tombstone when he's dead.

~ Berton Braley (1882-1966)

Featured Illustrations are items well suited for illustrating or inspiring a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.


The Cybersalt Digest is a ministry of Pastor Tim and Cybersalt

www.cybersalt.org

End of Newsletter

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  1. The Cybersalt Digest - Issue #3870 - May 21, 2012
  2. The Cybersalt Digest - Issue #3869 - May 20, 2012
  3. The Cybersalt Digest - Issue #3868 - May 19, 2012
  4. The Cybersalt Digest - Issue #3867 - May 18, 2012

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