Cybersalt Digest Archive

Cybersalt News

Advertising is just too powerful for some people to resist. Case in point, consider this fellow:
http://www.cybersalt.org/funny-pictures/hanging-on-til-pay-day

Enjoy the rest of today's digest.

Here is today's CleanLaugh - "Morning March"

I was a new Army basic trainee at Fort McClellan, and one requirement was a demanding 12-mile march. We got started at 6 a.m. and were pumped up for the trek.

An hour later, feeling the heavy load of our packs, we wondered if the end would ever come.

"Men," our sergeant yelled, "you're doing a fine job. We've already covered four miles!"

Revitalized, we picked up the pace.

"And," continued Sarge, "we should reach the starting point any minute now."

Today's CleanPun

One day a discussion was focused on St. Francis of Assisi in a First Grade religion class.

After school, a First Grader came home all excited and blurted out to his mother, "Guess what, Mommy? I learned in school that St. Francis was a sissy!"

Today's One Liner

When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me and I said, "What do you need?"

Today's CleanQuote

"When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty."

Today's Illustration - "Daddy's Empty Chair"

Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.

A man's daughter had asked the local minister to come and pray with her father. When the minister arrived, he found the man lying in bed with his head propped up on two pillows. An empty chair sat beside his bed. The minister assumed that the old fellow had been informed of his visit.

"I guess you were expecting me, he said.

'No, who are you?" said the father.

The minister told him his name and then remarked, "I saw the empty chair and I figured you knew I was going to show up."

"Oh yeah, the chair," said the bedridden man.

"Would you mind closing the door?"

Puzzled, the minister shut the door.

"I have never told anyone this, not even my daughter," said the man. "But all of my life I have never known how to pray. At church I used to hear the pastor talk about prayer, but it went right over my head. I abandoned any attempt at prayer," the old man continued, "until one day four years ago, my best friend said to me, 'Johnny, prayer is just a simple matter of having a conversation with Jesus. Here is what I suggest. Sit down in a chair; place an empty chair in front of you, and in faith see Jesus on the chair. It's not spooky because he promised, 'I will be with you always'. Then just speak to him in the same way you're doing with me right now.'"

"So, I tried it and I've liked it so much that I do it a couple of hours every day. I'm careful though If my daughter saw me talking to an empty chair, she'd either have a nervous breakdown or send me off to the funny farm."

The minister was deeply moved by the story and encouraged the old man to continue on the journey....Then he prayed with him, anointed him with oil, and returned to the church.

Two nights later the daughter called to tell the minister that her daddy had died that afternoon.

"Did he die in peace?" he asked.

"Yes, when I left the house about two o'clock, he called me over to his bedside, told me he loved me and kissed me on the cheek. When I got back from the store an hour later, I found him dead. But there was something strange about his death.
Apparently, just before Daddy died, he leaned over and rested his head on the chair beside the bed. What do you make of that?"

The minister wiped a tear from his eye and said, "I wish we could all go like that."

The Cybersalt Digest is a ministry of Pastor Tim and Cybersalt.org - a member of the Cybersalt family of sites.

Pastor Tim pastored at Westside Bible Church, Victoria, British Columbia from November 1996 to October 2017.

Cybersalt News

Happy 2nd day of Spring everyone. There's plenty to mention about the Cybersalt Site so here we go!

First of all, that pesky random joke page was not randomly picking jokes for a while there. It's fixed and behaves like it's cousin, the random quote page.
http://www.cybersalt.org/clean-jokes/random-jokes
http://www.cybersalt.org/random-quote

The return of the Your Turn to Be Funny area has gone fairly well - except for that pesky anti-spam secret letters box. It was so hard for people to read that box that I've turned it off. We'll see if I get a ton of bot entries, but in the meantime it's far easier for you to take Your Turn to Be funny. You can even vote up and down on the submitted captions.
http://www.cybersalt.org/your-turn-to-be-funny/current-your-turn-to-be-funny

Finally, there are a couple of new pages in the funny pictures and funny cat pictures area. They are the top ones listed at:
http://www.cybersalt.org/funny-pictures
http://www.cybersalt.org/funny-cat-pictures

Enjoy the rest of today's digest.

Here is today's CleanLaugh - "Joining the Church"

After the service a young couple talked to the pastor about joining the church. I hadn't met the husband before, and I asked what church he was transferring from.

After a short hesitation, he replied, "I am transferring from the Municipal Golf Course."

Today's CleanPun

"Have you read the new book "The Insomniac" by Eliza Wake?"

Today's One Liner

"Always keep several get well cards on the mantle - if unexpected guests arrive, they'll think you've been sick and unable to clean."

Today's CleanQuote

"Words that soak into your ears are whispered, not yelled."

Today's Illustration - "That 'Green' Thing"

Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.

In the line at the store today, the cashier told an older woman ahead of me that plastic bags weren't good for the environment. The woman apologized to her and explained, "We didn't have the green thing back in my day."

That's right, they didn't have the green thing in her day. Back then, they returned their milk bottles, Coke bottles and beer bottles to the store. The store sent them back to the plant to be washed and sterilized and refilled, using the same bottles over and over. So they really were recycled. But they didn't have the green thing back in her day.

In her day, they walked up stairs, because they didn't have an escalator in every store and office building. They walked to the grocery store and didn't climb into a 300-horsepower machine every time they had to go two blocks. But she's right. They didn't have the green thing in her day.

Back then, they washed the baby's diapers because they didn't have the throw-away kind. They dried clothes on a line, not in an energy gobbling machine burning up 220 volts.... "wind and solar power" really did dry the clothes. Kids got hand-me-down clothes from their brothers or sisters, not always brand-new clothing. But that old lady is right, they didn't have the green thing back in her day.

Back then, they had one TV, or radio, in the house not a TV in every room. And the TV had a small screen the size of a pizza dish, not a screen the size of the state of Montana . In the kitchen, they blended and stirred by hand because they didn't have electric machines to do everything for you. When they packaged a fragile item to send in the mail, they used wadded up newspaper to cushion it, not styrofoam or plastic bubble wrap.

Back then, they didn't fire up an engine and burn gasoline just to cut the lawn. They used a push mower that ran on human power. They exercised by working so they didn't need to go to a health club to run on treadmills that operate on electricity. But she's right, they didn't have the green thing back then.

They drank from a fountain when they were thirsty, instead of using a cup or a plastic bottle every time they had a drink of water. They refilled pens with ink, instead of buying a new pen, and they replaced the razor blades in a razor instead of throwing away the whole razor just because the blade got dull. But they didn't have the green thing back then.

Back then, people took the streetcar and kids rode their bikes to school or rode the school bus, instead of turning their moms into a 24-hour taxi service. They had one electrical outlet in a room, not an entire bank of sockets to power a dozen appliances. And they didn't need a computerized gadget to receive a signal beamed from satellites 2,000 miles out in space in order to find the nearest pizza joint. But that old lady is right. They didn't have the green thing back in her day.

The Cybersalt Digest is a ministry of Pastor Tim and Cybersalt.org - a member of the Cybersalt family of sites.

Pastor Tim pastored at Westside Bible Church, Victoria, British Columbia from November 1996 to October 2017.

Cybersalt News

Here is today's CleanLaugh - "Graduation Speech Notes"

When my son graduated from high school, he had to give a speech. He began by reading from his prepared text. "I want to talk about my mother and the wonderful influence she has had on my life," he told the audience. "She is a shining example of parenthood, and I love her more than words could ever do justice."

At this point he seemed to struggle for words. After a pause he looked up with a sly grin and said, "It's really hard to read my mom's handwriting."

Today's CleanPun

A farmer called his pig Ball Point. Well, it wasn't its real name - just a pen name.

Today's One Liner

"I got the bill for my surgery. Now I know why those doctors were wearing masks."
~ James H. Boren

Today's CleanQuote

"Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them."

Today's Illustration - "God's Creation"

Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.

A boy was helping his mother bring the clothes in off the line as a storm threatened.

As they brought in the last armload and closed the door, the boy waved his hand at the heavens and said, "Okay God! Let'er go!"

The Cybersalt Digest is a ministry of Pastor Tim and Cybersalt.org - a member of the Cybersalt family of sites.

Pastor Tim pastored at Westside Bible Church, Victoria, British Columbia from November 1996 to October 2017.

Cybersalt News

Some of you will remember the "Your Turn To Be Funny" area on the old Cybersalt site. It was a place where you could submit a funny caption for a picture on the page. Well, I've recreated this popular feature on the new Cybersalt Site.

Before I give you the address let me give you a hint. If you don't want to have to try to decipher the horrible anti-spam code when submitting your funny caption, just make sure you are logged into the site with your free Cybersalt Account. If you don't have an account, you'll find a link to create an account at the bottom of pretty much any page on the site.

So what are you waiting for - It's Your Turn to Be Funny!
http://www.cybersalt.org/your-turn-to-be-funny/current-your-turn-to-be-funny

Enjoy the rest of today's digest.

Here is today's CleanLaugh - "Dads and Babies"

My two daughters were having a discussion about family resemblance. "I look like Mom," said my nine-year-old, "but I have Dad's eyes and Dad's lips."

The six-year-old said, "And I look just like Dad, but I have light hair." Then she turned to me. "Mom," she asked, "what does Dad have to do with us being born anyway?"

Her older sister jumped right in. "Don't be stupid, Christina. Dad is the one who drove Mom to the hospital."

Today's CleanPun

"A job at the nursery can lead to a budding career."

Today's One Liner

"My home town was so small that the class valedictorian had both the highest & lowest averages."

Today's CleanQuote

"Maybe we have to pray."
~ Sebastian Pflugbeil, president of the private German-based Society for Radiation Protection

Today's Illustration - "Grandma Jones in the Hospital"

Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.

Grandma Jones had never experienced a sick day in her life, so she didn't take it kindly when a bad case of the "mulligrubs" sent her to the hospital for observation.

By the time a pair of husky interns got Grandma tucked into bed, she had managed to complain about everything: the temperature, the lights, the skimpy gown, the food and especially, the mattress. Suddenly, Grandma spotted a small plastic item with a button, attached to a cord. "What's that?" she demanded.

"If you need anything in the middle of the night, Grandma," said one of the interns, "just press that button."

"What does it do, ring a bell?" she asked.

"No, it turns on a light in the hall for the nurse on duty," the intern replied.

"A light in the hall?" responded Grandma. "Look, I'm the sick one around here. If the night nurse needs a light on in the hall, she can get up and switch it on herself."

The Cybersalt Digest is a ministry of Pastor Tim and Cybersalt.org - a member of the Cybersalt family of sites.

Pastor Tim pastored at Westside Bible Church, Victoria, British Columbia from November 1996 to October 2017.