Cybersalt Digest Archive

Cybersalt News

Oh look, chicken Thursday!

There is a new funny picture page on the CleanLaugh site. It demonstrates perhaps my only hope at improving my golf score:
http://www.cybersalt.org/funny-pictures/easy-par

There is also a new entry in the Simply Susan blog. You can read "Suddenly it's March" at:
http://www.cybersalt.org/simply-susan/suddenly-its-march

Enjoy the rest of today's digest.

Here is today's CleanLaugh - "First Salute"

The first salute received by a freshly commissioned Second Lieutenant is always significant. It's symbolizes authority and prestige.

When I pinned on my new Air Force gold bars and stepped out to face the world, I encountered a staff sergeant.

He gave me a snappy salute and said, "Good morning, Lieutenant. Your hat is on backwards, sir."

Today's CleanPun

"How's Business?" asked the bystander.
Said the street cleaner, "Things are picking up."

Today's One Liner

"Technology is dominated by two types of people: Those who understand what they do not manage. Those who manage what they do not understand."

Today's CleanQuote

"Common sense isn't."

Today's Illustration - "Health Priorities"

Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.

Two patients limp into two different medical clinics with the same complaint. Both have trouble walking and appear to require a hip replacement. The first patient is examined within the hour, is x-rayed the same day and has a time booked for surgery the following week.

The second sees his family doctor after waiting a week for an appointment, then waits eighteen weeks to see a specialist, then gets an x-ray, which isn't reviewed for another month and finally has his surgery scheduled for a year from then.

Why the different treatment for the two patients?

The first is a Golden Retriever. The second is a Senior Citizen.

The Cybersalt Digest is a ministry of Pastor Tim and Cybersalt.org - a member of the Cybersalt family of sites.

Pastor Tim pastored at Westside Bible Church, Victoria, British Columbia from November 1996 to October 2017.

Cybersalt News

There is a new funny picture on the Cybersalt Site today. You'll find it at:
http://www.cybersalt.org/funny-pictures/honking-in-traffic

Thanks to everyone who has been checking in with me on my recovery from this nasty cold/flu/plague I have been fighting the last 13 days. I went to the walk-in clinic today and emerged 2 hours later with a prescription for a puffer. When I picked it up at the pharmacy I found out it has 200 doses. Now everyone wants to be invited to my party this weekend. Yes, I'm just that kind of a sharing guy. In fact, there is a song in the FunBlog today that shares how I feel about all of you.
http://www.cybersalt.org/funblog/if-my-nose-was-running-money

Enjoy the rest of today's digest.

Here is today's CleanLaugh - "A Dollar Per Point"

A professor was giving a big test one day to his students. He handed out all of the tests and went back to his desk to wait.

Once the test was over the students all handed the tests back in. The professor noticed that one of the students had attached a $100 bill to his test with a note saying "A dollar per point."

The next class the professor handed the graded tests back out. This student got back his test, his test grade, and $64 change.

Today's CleanPun

"The display of still-life art was not at all moving."

Today's One Liner

"Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it."

Today's CleanQuote

"What you do in life depends upon what you are and what you want. What you get from life depends on how much you want it -- how much you are willing to work, plan, cooperate and use your resources. The long span of the bridge of your life is supported by countless cables that you are spinning now. That is why today is such an important day. Make the cables strong."
~ L.G. Elliott

Today's Illustration - "Teaching Hazards"

Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.

One day during cooking class, the teacher, Mrs. Jones, was extolling her secrets for preparing perfect sauces.

When she ordered us to the stoves to prepare our assignments, she said, "Don't forget to use wooden spoons."

As I stirred my sauce, I contemplated the physics behind the mystery of the wooden spoon, and decided it must have something to do with heat conduction.

I approached Mrs. Jones to test my theory.

"Why wooden spoons?" I asked.

"Because," she replied, "if I have to sit here listening to twenty-three metal spoons banging against metal pots, I'll go nuts."

The Cybersalt Digest is a ministry of Pastor Tim and Cybersalt.org - a member of the Cybersalt family of sites.

Pastor Tim pastored at Westside Bible Church, Victoria, British Columbia from November 1996 to October 2017.

Cybersalt News

I hope your boot is empty because I have updated a bootful of pages to the Cybersalt Site. That is one of the benefits of feeling not recovered enough to go out and do much, while feeling well enough to sit on your butt and catch up on computer things. To avoid adding a super-long list of links here, I'll just put links to places where the new pages are listed at the top.

Funny Elephant Pictures:
http://www.cybersalt.org/funny-elephant-pictures

Funny Pictures:
http://www.cybersalt.org/funny-pictures

The FunBlog:
http://www.cybersalt.org/funblog

Enjoy the rest of today's digest!

Here is today's CleanLaugh - "Teenaged Daughter Owner's Manual"

Instructions for all those with teenage daughters or daughters who think they are teenagers or who will eventually be teenagers.

Teenager Owner's Manual Congratulations! You are now the proud new owner of a teenaged daughter. Please read this manual carefully, as it describes the maintenance of your new daughter, and answers important questions about your warranty (which does NOT include the right to return the product to the factory for a full refund).

IF YOU FEEL YOU HAVE RECEIVED YOUR TEENAGER IN ERROR:
To determine whether you were supposed to receive a teenaged girl, please examine your new daughter carefully. Does she:
(a) look very similar to your original daughter, only with more makeup and less clothing?
(b) refuse to acknowledge your existence on the planet Earth (except when requesting money)?
(c) Sleep in a burrow of dirty laundry?
If any of these are true, you have received the correct item.
Nice try, though.

BREAK-IN PERIOD: When you first receive your teenaged daughter, you will initially experience a high level of discomfort. Gradually, this discomfort will subside, and you will merely feel traumatized. This is the "Break-In Period," during which you are becoming accustomed to certain behaviors that will cause you concern, anxiety, and stress. Once you have adapted to these behaviors, your teenager will start acting even worse.

ACTIVATION: To activate your teenaged daughter, simply place her in the vicinity of a telephone or Instant Messenger. No further programming is required.

SHUTDOWN: Several hours after activation, you may desire to shut down your teenaged daughter. There is no way to do this.

CLEANING YOUR TEENAGED DAUGHTER: Having a teenaged daughter means learning the difference between the words "clean" and "neat." Teenaged daughters are very clean, because they take frequent showers that last more than an hour. They will scrub themselves with expensive, fragrant soaps which you must purchase for them because they don't like using the same kind of soap their mom and dad use. When they have completely drained the hot-water tank, they will step out and wrap themselves in every towel in the bathroom, which they will subsequently strew throughout the house. If you ask them to pick up the towels, you are confusing "clean" with "neat." Teenagers are very busy and do not have time to be neat. They expect others to pick up after them. These others are called "parents."

FEEDING YOUR TEENAGED DAUGHTER: Your teenaged daughter requires regular meals, which must be purchased for her at restaurants because she detests everything you eat because it is like so disgusting. She does not want you to accompany her to these restaurants, because some people might see you and like I'm sure I want my friends to see me eating dinner with my parents. Either order take-out food or just give her the money, preferably both. If you order pizza, never answer the doorbell because the delivery boy might see you and like he is so hot. Yes, your daughter's idea of an attractive man is the pizza boy.

CLOTHING YOUR TEENAGED DAUGHTER: Retailers make millions of dollars a year selling stylish and frankly sensible clothing which will look adorable on your daughter. If you enjoy shopping, you will love the vast selections which are available to you.

Unfortunately, your teenaged daughter wants to dress like a lap dancer. You may be able to coerce her into putting on a cute outfit before leaving the house, but by the time she walks in the schoolhouse door, she will be wearing something entirely different.

OTHER MAINTENANCE: Teenaged daughters require one of two levels of maintenance: "High," and "Ultra High." Your daughter is "Ultra High." This means that whatever you do won't be enough and whatever you try won't work.

WARRANTY: This product is not without defect because she has your genes, for goodness sake. If you think this is not fair, talk to your parents, who think it is hilarious. Your teenaged daughter will remain a teenager for as long as it takes for her to become a woman, which in her opinion has already happened and as far as you are concerned never really will. If you are dissatisfied with your teenaged daughter, well, what did you expect? In any event, your warranty does not give you your little girl back under any circumstances, except that deep down she's actually still there - you just have to look for her.

Today's CleanPun

"At the awards show, the movie star's new and outrageous hairdo became the mane attraction."

Today's One Liner

"Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV? "

Today's CleanQuote

"To be nobody-but-myself -- in a world which is doing its best, night and day, to make you everybody else -- means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight, and never stop fighting."
~ E.E. Cummings (In "Selected Letters," 1955)

Today's Illustration - "Religious Customs"

Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.

A young scholar from New York was invited to become Rabbi in a small old community in Chicago.

On his very first Shabbat, a hot debate erupted as to whether one should or should not stand during the reading of the Ten Commandments.

The next day, the rabbi visited 98 year-old Mr. Katz in the nursing home.

"Mr. Katz, I'm asking you, as the oldest member of the community," said the rabbi, "what is our synagogue's custom during the reading of the Ten Commandments?"

"Why do you ask?" asked Mr. Katz.

"Yesterday we read the Ten Commandments. Some people stood, some people sat. The ones standing started screaming at the ones sitting, telling them to stand up. The ones sitting started screaming at the ones standing, telling them to sit down... "

"That," said the old man, "is our custom."

The Cybersalt Digest is a ministry of Pastor Tim and Cybersalt.org - a member of the Cybersalt family of sites.

Pastor Tim pastored at Westside Bible Church, Victoria, British Columbia from November 1996 to October 2017.

Cybersalt News

Here is today's CleanLaugh - "Morning Kiss"

A farmer and his wife had just awakened one morning to the crowing of their rooster. While still in bed, the farmer's wife says, "Pa, you know our neighbor Mr. Jones?"

"Yes Ma, I reckon I do," replied the sleepy farmer.

"Well, every morning before he leaves the house for work, he gives his wife a big ol' kiss. Why don't you ever do that? "

The farmer sighed and said, "Well, I reckon I can, but I just don't know her very well."

Today's CleanPun

"Once the new hive was done the bees had a house swarming party."

Today's One Liner

"The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once."

Today's CleanQuote

"Look at a day when you are supremely satisfied at the end. It's not a day when you lounge around doing nothing. It's when you've had everything to do, and you've done it."
~Margaret Thatcher

Today's Illustration - "You Won't Understand"

Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.

Often people say to me "You just won't understand."
"You're way too old," or "Way too young," or "YOU are NOT a man."

I don't know why some people feel they suffer unique pain.
As if they are the only ones who've lost or ceased to gain.
I don't know why they hide their pain and clutch it ever tighter.
It seems to me that all should know - a burden shared gets lighter.

Why some folks even deign to think the pain that's in their heart,
Is all their own, to keep and hoard, they set themselves apart.
They keep their eyes from meeting mine lest I should see their hurt.
And even if we stop and speak their words are often curt.

The Bible says: 'Two' can withstand what overcomes just 'one'.
And also that - a 'Cord of Three' can scarcely be undone.
Besides, I know the ways of hurt - my heart's been crushed before.
Friends have betrayed - I've lost at love, Despair's knocked at my door.

And I Remember - thoughts gone wild - and crying late at night.
Not having strength to care at all - much less the strength to fight.
But, someone special came to me - and when my trials were told.
I realized that with their tears - they'd eased my heavy load.

And so, I learned - that Pain - like Love - is bearable if shared.
I don't know what I would have done without that friend who cared.

My trials did not vanish fast - in fact the time was long.
But sharing gave me breathing space until I could grow strong
Enough to laugh again and even start to smile -
And though it seemed it could not help - It eased my pain awhile.

So, if you think that you can't share cause I won't understand.
At least just give me half a chance to lend a helping hand.
For I know that you're hurting and I know a place to start.
Perhaps if you could realize - your pain burns in my heart.

I know I cannot make your trials and troubles go away.
But maybe I can help a bit to get you through today.
And maybe by tomorrow you won't need help anymore.
But if you should - Don't be ashamed - for that's what friends are for.

And after all is said and done - the trials ceased - you're whole.
Perhaps you'll know just what to do to help another soul -
Who's being crushed by hurt and pain - be it woman or a man.
And you won't have to hear them say, "You just won't understand."
-Author Unknown

The Cybersalt Digest is a ministry of Pastor Tim and Cybersalt.org - a member of the Cybersalt family of sites.

Pastor Tim pastored at Westside Bible Church, Victoria, British Columbia from November 1996 to October 2017.