Cybersalt Digest Archive

Cybersalt News

Is it just me (Pastor Tim) or is everyone sick in my house? Well, a few days ago it was just me but now it's me, Mrs Cybersalt, and our daughter (Esther Cybersalt). Clayton is over it already but he is engaged and getting married in August so he's in a big hurry to speed everything up anyways.

This current bout of sickness has taught me a very interesting lesson. Did you know that even if you are on antibiotics you can still get an infection in your toe by fixing an ingrown nail using the corkscrew on a Dale Earnhardt Jr. pocket knife? Whatever . . . . I don't drink so I had to use it for something.

There is a new funny picture on the Cybersalt Site today. You'll find "Marriage Saver 2" at:
http://www.cybersalt.org/funny-pictures/marriage-saver-2

Enjoy the rest of today's digest.

Here is today's CleanLaugh - "Fine Request"

A pickpocket was appearing in court for a series of petty crimes. "Mr. Brewster," the judge said, "you are hereby found guilty and fined the sum of $150."

After consulting with his client, Mr. Brewster's lawyer stood up and said, "Your Honor, my client is a little short at this time. He has only $125 in his pocket, but if you would allow him a few minutes in the crowd..."

Today's CleanPun

For what kind of tooth can you be sure the tooth fairy will leave exactly one dollar? A buck tooth

Today's One Liner

"It could be worse: there could be 35 teachers for every student."

Today's CleanQuote

"A perfect summer day is when the sun is shining, the breeze is blowing, the birds are singing and the lawn mower is broken."

Today's Illustration - "Accuracy Excuse"

Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.

There was a knock at the door. It was a small boy, about seven years old. Something of his had found its way into my garage, he said, and he wanted it back.

Upon opening the garage door, I noticed two additions a baseball and a broken window sporting a baseball-sized hole.

"How do you suppose this ball got in here?" I asked the boy.

Taking one look at the ball, one look at the window, and one look at me, the boy exclaimed, "Wow! I must have thrown it right through that hole."

The Cybersalt Digest is a ministry of Pastor Tim and Cybersalt.org - a member of the Cybersalt family of sites.

Pastor Tim pastored at Westside Bible Church, Victoria, British Columbia from November 1996 to October 2017.

Cybersalt News

Some people can't cook without clear instructions. This should help:
http://www.cybersalt.org/funny-pictures/cooking-instructions

Enjoy the rest of today's digest.

Here is today's CleanLaugh - "Sermon Overtime"

The pastor was known for the clarity and brevity of his sermons. His talks were well organized and always ended promptly at 20 minutes.

One Sunday, he seemed to wander and drift around a bit and was still preaching to the congregation after 35 minutes. His wife managed a small signal, which fortunately he recognized as a sign he should come to a close.

When they got home after the service, the wife asked the pastor why he got so muddled and why he went on speaking so long.

He answered, "Well, I've gotten into the habit of tucking a lozenge in my mouth before I stand to speak. When the lozenge has dissolved, I know it is time to stop. This morning, unfortunately I picked up a collar button instead of a lozenge."

Today's CleanPun - "Picking a New Pope"

There were two Catholic boys, Timothy Murphy and Antonio Secola, whose lives parallel each other in amazing ways. In the same year Timothy was born in Ireland, Antonio was born in Italy.

Faithfully they attended parochial School from kindergarten through their senior year in high school. They took their vows to enter the priesthood early in college, and upon graduation, became priests.

Their careers had come to amaze the world, but it was generally acknowledged that Antonio Secola was just a wee cut above Timothy Murphy in all respects.

Their rise through the ranks of Bishop, Archbishop and finally Cardinal was swift to say the least, and the Catholic world knew that when the present Pope died, it would be one of the two who would become the next Pope.

In time the Pope did die, and the College of Cardinals went to work. In less time than anyone had expected, white smoke rose from the chimney and the world waited to see whom they had chosen.

The world, Catholic, Protestant and secular, was surprised to learn that Timothy Murphy had been elected Pope!

Antonio Secola was beyond surprise. He was devastated, because even with all of Timothy's gifts, Antonio knew he was just a bit better qualified.

With gall that shocked the Cardinals, Antonio Secola asked for a private session with them in which he candidly asked, "Why Timothy?"

After a long silence, an old Cardinal took pity on the bewildered man and rose to reply.

"We knew you were the better of the two, but we just could not bear the thought of the leader of the Roman Catholic Church being called POPE SE-COLA!"

Today's One Liner

"You've got to spend money to lose money."

Today's CleanQuote

"A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you're in deep water."

Today's Illustration - "Leading by Example"

Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.

When I take a long time, I am slow.
When my boss takes a long time, he is thorough.

When I don't do it, I am lazy.
When my boss doesn't do it, he's too busy.

When I do it without being told, I'm trying to be smart.
When my boss does the same, that is initiative.

When I please my boss, that's brown-nosing.
When my boss pleases his boss, that's co-operating.

When I do good, my boss never remembers.
When I do wrong, he never forgets.

The Cybersalt Digest is a ministry of Pastor Tim and Cybersalt.org - a member of the Cybersalt family of sites.

Pastor Tim pastored at Westside Bible Church, Victoria, British Columbia from November 1996 to October 2017.

Cybersalt News

Ladder safety is important. Truck safety is important. Ladder truck safety is really important.
http://www.cybersalt.org/funny-pictures/ladder-truck-safety

Enjoy the rest of today's digest.

Here is today's CleanLaugh - "Exemplary Offspring"

Three mothers were sitting around comparing notes on their exemplary offspring.

"There never was a daughter more devoted than my Alice," said Mrs. Davis with a sniff. "Every summer she takes me to the Catskills for a week, and every winter we spend a week at Delray Beach."

"That's nothing compared to what my Anna does for me," declared Mrs. Jones proudly. "Every winter she treats me to two weeks in Miami, and in the summer two weeks in the Hamptons, in my own private guest house."

Mrs. Smith sat back with a proud smile. "Nobody loves her mother like my Jackie does. Nobody."

"So what does she do?" asked the two women, turning to her.

"Three times a week she gets into a cab, goes to the best psychiatrist in the city, and pays him a hundred and fifty dollars an hour just to talk about me!"

Today's CleanPun - "Farmer Loses 2025 Pigs"

Howard County police officers still write their reports by hand. The data is entered later into their database by a clerk.

One theft report stated that a farmer had lost 2,025 pigs. Thinking that to be an error, the clerk called the farmer directly.

"Is it true, Mr. Cates, that you lost 2,025 pigs?" she asked.

"Yeth," lisped the farmer. Being a farming girl herself, the clerk entered:

"Subject lost two sows and twenty-five pigs."

Today's One Liner

"People never grow up; they just learn how to act in public."

Today's CleanQuote

"Don't ever take a fence down until you know why it was put up."

Today's Illustration - "The Little Voice"

Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.

A guy gets home from work one night and hears a little voice. The little voice tells him, "Quit your job, sell your house, take your money, go to Vegas." The man is disturbed at what he hears and ignores the little voice.

The next day, when he gets home from work, the same thing happens. The little voice tells him, "Quit your job, sell your house, take your money, go to Vegas." Again, the man ignores the little voice, though he is very troubled by the event.

Every day, day after day, the man hears the same little voice when he gets home from work, "Quit your job, sell your house, take your money, go to Vegas." Each time the man hears the little voice he becomes increasingly upset. Finally, after two weeks, he succumbs to the pressure. He does quit his job, sells his house, takes his money and heads to Vegas.

The moment the man gets off the plane in Vegas, the little voice tells him, "Go to Harrah's." So, he hops in a cab and rushes over to Harrah's.

As soon as he sets foot in the casino, the little voice tells him, "Go to the roulette table." The man does as he is told. When he gets to the roulette table, the little voice tells him, "Put all your money on 17."

Nervously, the man exchanges all his money for chips and then puts them all on 17.

The dealer wishes the man good luck and spins the roulette wheel. Around and around the ball caroms. The man anxiously watches the ball as it slowly loses speed until finally it settles into number... 21.

The little voice says, "Oops..."

The Cybersalt Digest is a ministry of Pastor Tim and Cybersalt.org - a member of the Cybersalt family of sites.

Pastor Tim pastored at Westside Bible Church, Victoria, British Columbia from November 1996 to October 2017.

Cybersalt News

If you are at work and feeling tired, just hit any key to get fired:
http://www.cybersalt.org/funny-pictures/press-any-key

Enjoy the rest of today's digest.

Here is today's CleanLaugh - "Put or Putt?"

A teacher was taking her first golf lesson.

"Is the word spelled 'put' or 'putt'?" she asked the instructor.

"'Putt' is correct," he replied. "'Put' means to place a thing where you want it. 'Putt' means a vain attempt to do the same thing."

Today's CleanPun

"Hundreds of kids are shipped off to Mime Boarding School every year, never to be heard from again."

Today's One Liner

"As a child, I was the kind my mother wouldn't let me play with."

Today's CleanQuote

"An idea that is clear and precise even though false will always have greater power in the world than an idea that is true but complex."
~Alexis de Tocqueville

Today's Illustration - "Following Orders"

Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.

As we stood in formation at the Pensacola Naval Air Station, our Flight Instructor said, "All right! All you idiots fall out."

As the rest of the squad wandered away, I remained at attention.

The Instructor walked over until he was eye-to-eye with me, and then just raised a single eyebrow.

I smiled and said, "Sure was a lot of 'em, huh sir?"

The Cybersalt Digest is a ministry of Pastor Tim and Cybersalt.org - a member of the Cybersalt family of sites.

Pastor Tim pastored at Westside Bible Church, Victoria, British Columbia from November 1996 to October 2017.