One-liners

“Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?”

“Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?”

“Why were so many Civil War battles fought in national parks?”

“Women are angels and when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly ... on a broomstick; we're flexible like that.”

“You know you are getting old when Santa starts looking younger.”

“You know you're getting old when you wonder what you'd feel like if you weren't taking vitamins.”

“You know you're old when you reach down to get the wrinkles out of your panty hose and realize you aren't wearing any.”

“You're getting old when you enjoy remembering things more than doing them.”

“You're not shy: you're conversationally selective."

“You're only as old as you feel ... the next day.”

A clean house is a sure sign of a broken computer.

A magazine recently published that in the last census 1.6 percent of the people were not counted....how can they know that?

A new medical study says that meat can almost be as bad for you as smoking - in fact, it's almost as bad as second-hand meat.

A psychiatrist is a person who will give you expensive answers that your wife will give you for free.

A sign in the window: "Any faulty merchandise will be cheerfully

replaced with merchandise of equal quality."