One-liners

The reason a dog has so many friends is that he wags his tail and not his tongue.

The reason lightning doesn't strike twice in the same place is that the same place isn't there the second time.

- Willie Tyler

The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.

The trouble with life is there's no background music.

The word "aerobics" was invented when the gym instructors got together and said: "If we're going to charge $20 an hour, we can't call it Jumping Up and Down."

The words "Do It Yourself" or "Self-Help" are really code for "The Way Chuck Norris Does It."

There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.

There are two secrets for success:

1. Don't reveal all your secrets

There was once a movie entitled, How to Irritate People. It is obviously the employee training film at my local bank.

There's a sign above the scale in my doctor's office that says, "Pretend it's your IQ."

This is precisely the sort of thing that people who like this sort of thing will like.

To lead the orchestra, you must turn your back on the crowd.

Two things hard on the heart: running up stairs and running down people.

Vegetarian. That's an old Indian word meaning 'lousy hunter.'

- Andy Rooney

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