One-liners

I realized I was dyslexic when I went to a toga party dressed as a goat.

- Marcus Brigstocke

I think Bill Gates is so rich because he got his wish when he said, "I wish I had a nickel for every time this PC rebooted!"

- Chris Caswell

I tried doing stand-up once but everyone just laughed at me.

- Ziggy

I was having dinner with world chess champion Garry Kasparov - our table had a check tablecloth and it took him two hours to pass me the salt.

I went through hypnosis to lose weight . . . how much does $120 weigh?

I work 40 hours a week to be this poor.

I wouldn't touch the Metric System with a 3.048m pole!

If Alexander Graham Bell had a teenage daughter, he never would have invented the telephone.

If at first you DO succeed, try not to look astonished!

If God had wanted me to touch my toes, He would have put them on my knees.

If you think it's hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball.

- Jack Lemmon

If you're being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, then on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire - they're trained for that.

- Milton Jones

I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are missing.

In high school, I was voted the girl most likely to become a nun - that may not be impressive to you, but it was quite an accomplishment at the Hebrew Academy.

- Rita Rudner

Is it my imagination, or do buffalo wings taste like chicken?