One-liners

We're looking for interested folks who would like to join 'Time Travelers for a Better Yesterday' last week.

What a hotel! The towels were so fluffy I could hardly close my suitcase.

- Henny Youngman

What makes airport security think they can find something in my wife's purse when she can't?

When a man says it's a silly, childish game, it's probably something his wife can beat him at.

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her out to some place expensive . . . so I took her to a gas station.

When I was a child and got dirty, my mother would spit on a handkerchief and use it to clean the dirt off - I guess in her mind, muddy and disgusting was better than just muddy.

- David Sigmon

When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me and I said, "What do you need?"

When repairmen say they'll "Come sometime next week," I usually say, "Fine, I'll pay you sometime next year."

When Ronald Reagan was elected governor of California, movie mogul Jack Warner said, "It's our fault. We should have given him better parts."

Whoever said there is no such thing as a stupid question has never worked in customer service.

Why does the label on Children’s Tylenol tell you not to operate heavy machinery or vehicles?

Why should I learn algebra? I have no intention of ever going there.

Wife to husband: "This Christmas let's give each other sensible gifts...like ties and fur coats."

Would the person who lost a fat roll of hundred dollar bills, wrapped in a rubber band, please report to the Lost & Found Department - we found your rubber band.

Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.