Issue #4528
Cybersalt News
Sunday Greetings everyone!
I have some exciting Cybersalt News for you! As you know Cybersalt is helping refugees and persecuted Christians through the Be a Billionaire Fundraiser and a number of families have been and are being helped. We now have another project to train refugees and persecuted Christians to work on web pages and learn web design as a way to provide for their families. Our first trainee has started by learning how to add Rev. James Snyder's writings to the Cybersalt Site. They live in a country with one of the highest rates of persecution of Christians, a land where many Christians are not able to have good jobs to provide for their families. Not only is this first trainee learning the skills, the plan is for him to be able to train others in his community. Please keep this in mind if you have a church or business looking for a website and contact me if you want to know more.
Speaking of Rev. James Snyder, this week on the site he recounts a wonderful story about his grandmother and "social media" before Facebook ever existed! You can read, "What Did We Know before Facebook?" at:
www.cybersalt.org/gods-penman/what-did-we-know-before-facebook
Enjoy the rest of today's mailing!
~ Pastor Tim
Today's CleanLaugh
Roman Numerals
One of my college friends asked a group of us for advice on organizing his final report for the year.
"Why don't you use Roman numerals to head the different sections?" one of them suggested.
"I thought of that," he replied, "but my keyboard doesn't have Roman numerals on it."
Today's One Liner
One-liner #1455
Chaos, panic and disorder ... my work here is done.
Today's Clean Pun
Instagroan
I have a friend who tried to take a selfie in the shower, but the image was too blurry.
He has selfie steam issues.
Today's Quote
Quote #1893
No one is going to stand up at your funeral and say, "She had a really expensive couch and great shoes." Don't make life about stuff.
- unknown
Today's Illustration
Self-Righteousness Committee
Apologies to all for this obnoxious illustration. If you can stick it out to the end, you will be vindicated.
Praise God, everyone! Welcome to our annual membership re-commitment committee. Think of this as a tune-up for the soul. We're going to run a diagnostic on your spiritual life to make sure you're still committed.
My name?
Call me God's Enforcer. And no, there are no other committee members. Yes, it was sad to watch them go but, alas, they wouldn't measure up to The Standard.
Huh? Well, I set The Standard. That's my job.
Shall we begin?
So, ma'am, you and your husband are separated? Why are you still in church? I don't care if he was beating you. Submit, woman! If you were loving him, he wouldn't do that. You might want to deal with the `Jezebel Spirit' of yours. I don't care if all that makeup is to cover up your bruises and your black eye! It makes you look - unchristian. Your membership is suspended.
As for you, Sir, I realize your son's extended illness has been an economic hardship. I know your wife had to quit her second job to help take care of him but you did sign the Tithe Covenant, didn't you? You're robbing God. Thief, repent! Next?
Sir, I know you're widowed, alone, and your hormones still work. We heard a report from one of our watchers at the computer store that found some pornographic pictures in your computer cache. Is that why you keep coming to the altar to pray? Yes, such things do wage war against the soul, but your membership is still suspended. Well, what about King David? Next!
Certainly, you're a faithful couple. Deacons, no less. Hmmm. Tithes in order. Good attitudes, correct clothing. Still, your children talk during service. If you can't run your own house, how will you run the house of God? I don't care if they are adopted from crack addict mothers. They are an irritation during church. Get your home in order first. Suspended.
Your life is exemplary, to be sure. Still, we've had complaints about, what's this? Your `obsession with torturing and drowning cats' during worship. Excuse me, that charge is incorrect. It says your singing sounds like the torturing and drowning of cats. Way, way off key! Your boisterous braying offends visitors. I don't care if it is `unto God.' Not in this church! Next?
Homeless? Well, take this hard-luck form, fill it out and mail it back. Be sure to include your home address for the committee. You say you don't have a home address? Then you might want to get a clue. Try the Salvation Army. They lack standards.
You still insist the Vision you shared was from God. Yes, I know the Church leaders agreed to help you but we decided in private committee to wait. Well, you could have asked why we decided to wait. Perhaps we could have mentioned this decision to you but it's too late to change things now. Looks like God `changed His mind' again.
Will someone please remove this false prophet? Put a report on her to area pastors as well.
Yes, Reverend. It was a pity, a genuine tragedy. I'm sure your neurotic wife's drug overdose was an `accident.' We just can't use you anymore. People talk. Thanks for the 30 years of selfless service. Might I suggest a career alternative for you in, say, shoe sales?
Sadly, there's no one left but you and me, Lord. Thy will be done. I have successfully weeded the sinners out of our house. Finally, the church is now perfected. Too bad it's just us, Lord.
Lord? Hello? H-e-l-l-o?
Featured Illustrations are items well suited for illustrating or inspiring a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
The Cybersalt Digest is a ministry of Pastor Tim and Cybersalt.
Oh look, Chicken Thursday!
One night at the dinner table, the wife commented, "When we were first married, you took the small piece of steak and gave me the larger. Now you take the large one and leave me the smaller; you don't love me any more..."
Nice perfume; must you marinate in it??
My goldfish are named Major, Minor, Dorian, Lydian and Diminished. The only way I can tell them apart is by their scales.
Torrential rainstorms were knocking down power lines all over town. That meant, as a customer service rep for the electric company, I was dispatching repairmen right and left.
One day, a little girl is sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly notices that her mother has several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast to her brunette hair.
If I want to hear the pitter-patter of little feet, I'll put shoes on my cat.
Who can drink 2 litres of gasoline?
"When my husband, Mark, took his beat-up pickup truck to our insurance agent for a pre-insurance inspection, the teen-age receptionist was sent to look over the truck. Armed with a checklist and a few simple questions, she breezed through the chore.
1. Text on Web pages displays as Morse Code.
Suburbia: Where they tear out the trees and then name streets after them.
That "best by" date stamp is really just a spoiler alert.
A friend who lives in NYC has six locks on his door; all in a row. When he goes out, he only locks every other one.
Rick, fresh out of accounting school, went to an interview for a good paying job. The company boss asked various questions about him and his education, and at the very end asked him, "What is three times seven?"
Practice random acts of intelligence & senseless acts of self-control.
He: I'll have the mouse, please.
On my four-year-old daughter's first trip to Disneyland, she couldn't wait to get on Mr. Toad's Wild Ride. As the car zoomed through the crazy rooms, into the path of a speeding train, and through walls that fell away at the last second, she clutched the little steering wheel in front of her.