Checking In
 Brad and Mike are two old retired widowers who reside close to each other and do constant welfare checks on each other. Much of their relationship is based on pragmatism rather than real friendship or personal affection.
One day, as he drinks his morning coffee, Mike opens the morning paper and turns to the obituaries page.
He gets the shock of his life when he sees his own obituary in the column.
He realizes that the query for info on him by the local newspaper several months earlier, was in preparation for this event. He correctly surmises that it is a mistaken entry from their database.
It still excites and rankles him, so he calls Brad up. "Brad, are you up yet?" asks Mike.
Brad sleepily answers, "Yeah, but I'm only now starting my coffee."
"Brad, open the newspaper to page 31."
"Why, what's in the paper?"
"Brad, get the paper and open it to page 31 NOW!"
"Ok, Ok, I've got the paper here, so what's in page 31?"
"Brad, open the paper to page 31 already!"
"All right, don't be such a pain so early in the morning already. So, what's on page 31 that's so important?"
[gbw]"Brad, look at the bottom of column 4."
"Why? What's that story on?"
"Brad, read the story on the bottom of the column already!"
"OK, OK, I'll start reading the column if you stop yelling in my ear!"
The paper rustles for a few seconds, then a long silent pause ensues.
Finally, Brad comes on the line quietly and fearfully asks, "So Mike, where are you calling me from right now?"
|
*Questions Asked at National Parks*
“The best thing about alcohol hand gel in hospitals isn’t the hygiene, but that everyone walks around like they’re hatching a dastardly plan.
For those interested Radio Shack is giving away dead batteries today free of charge.
"When you need shoes for your kids, you go to the mall. When I need shoes for my kids, I go to my knees."
A husband took his young daughter to the grocery store with him. In addition to the healthy items on the carefully prepared shopping list, they returned with a box of sugar-laden cookies.
"I've got good gnus and I've got bad gnus", said the gnu salesman.
The church I serve has a summer ministry at a chapel. At our first service last summer, the chairman of the board of deacons met me at the door with the information that there were no offering plates to be found. None of the men wore hats, and he thought it undignified to pass a shoe. He had tried to borrow something suitable from a house nearby, but no one was home. When I went to the chancel to begin the service, the problem was still unsolved.
*Hymns for the Aging*
"You can tell Monopoly is an old game because there‘s a luxury tax and rich people can go to jail."
"Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will track you down… You have my Word."
"The best way to pay for a lovely moment is to enjoy it."
Little Johnny was in church when the wine and wafers were passed out. His mother leaned over and told him that he was not old enough to partake in the Communion.
Once there was a little boy who lived in the country.
"I love to give homemade gifts - which one of my kids do you want?"
"We can complain because rose bushes have thorns, or rejoice because thorn bushes have roses."
Catching her in the act, I confronted our 3-year-old granddaughter, "Are you eating your little sister's grapes?" I demanded.
Do you know the song "Yesterday"? Then sing along to this computer version.
Dear Star Wars: All galaxies are far, far away - could you be more specific?
I hate red lights at intersections: They make me cross.
"In the New Testament church it says they were all amazed - And now in our churches everybody wants to be amused."
As I was driving home from work one day, I stopped to watch a local Little League baseball game that was being played in a park near my home. As I sat down behind the bench on the first-base line, I asked one of the boys what the score was. "We're behind 14 to nothing," he answered with a smile.