Cybersalt Digest Archive


Issue #3715

Sunday greetings everyone!

Grandma Cybersalt and I are travelling right now and therefore away from the usual office setup that allows us to efficiently put together new posts (plus we're enjoying time with family!)

So instead of missing another mailing I thought I'd rerun the oldest Sunday mailing we have in the archives. I'm not even sure this is mobile friendly, but that's Ok - as I age I'm increasingly that way too!

Cybersalt News

Sunday greetings everyone.

Enjoy the rest of today's Digest.

Here is today's CleanLaugh

Cheap Suit

The fellow was being sold a very cheap suit.

"But the left arm is a lot longer than the right arm," he complained.

"That's why the suit is such a bargain," the sales clerk explained. "Just cock your left shoulder up a little, like this, and tuck this left lapel under your chin a bit, like this."

"But the right leg is way too short," argued the customer.

"No problem," the sales clerk answered. "Just keep your right knee bent a little at all times, walk like this, and no one will notice. That's why this suit is only thirty dollars."

Finally, the fellow bought the suit, cocked his left shoulder into the air, tucked the suit's left lapel under his chin, bent his right knee, and limped out of the store toward his car.

Two doctors happened along and noticed him.

"Good grief," the first doctor said to the second, "look at that poor crippled fellow."

"Yeah," answered the second doctor. "But doesn't that suit fit great?"

Here is today's One-liner

Money Isn't Everything

"Money isn't everything - just look at Henry Ford with all those millions and he never owned a Cadillac!"

Here is today's CleanPun

Clean Pun #0223

A man walks into Doctor’s and says, “Doctor, I think I’m addicted to Twitter.”

The doctor looks at him and says, “Sorry, I don’t follow you."

Here is today's CleanQuote

Quote #1140

"Wisdom is not a product of schooling but the product of the lifelong attempt to acquire it."
- Albert Einstein

Here is today's Illustration

Mental Victories

A newly deputized police officer responded to a report of a bar room disturbance.

The "disturbance" turned out to be well over six feet tall and weighed almost 300 pounds.  What's more he boasted that he could whip the deputy and the "Heavy Weight Boxing Champion of the World."

Said the policeman, "I'll bet that you're also an escape artist too; probably better than Houdini."

The giant nodded.

"If I had some chains," the deputy continued, "you could show us all how strong you really are.  But all I've got is a set of lousy handcuffs. Why don't you show us just how quickly you can break out of them?"

Once in the cuffs, the man puffed, pulled and jerked for four minutes.

"I can't get out of these," the giant growled.

"Are you sure?" the deputy gingerly asked.

The fellow tried again.  "Nope," he replied.  "I can't do it."

"In that case," said the deputy, "you're under arrest."

The Cybersalt Digest is a ministry of Pastor Tim and Cybersalt
www.cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh

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 Issue #3714

Cybersalt News

There is a new FunBlog entry today. It's pretty cool what Shikai Tseng does with liguid light.  You can check it out at:
www.cybersalt.org/funblog/objects-painted-with-photographs-from-life

I have also created a link to the new funny horse pictures collection.  Don't look so long in the face, no horses were hurt in the process.
www.cybersalt.org/entertainment/funny-horse-pictures

Enjoy the rest of today's digest.

Here is today's CleanLaugh

Airport Security

Working as a secretary at an international airport, my sister had an office adjacent to the room where security temporarily holds suspects. One day security officers were questioning a man when they were suddenly called away on another emergency. To the horror of my sister and her colleagues, the man was left alone in the unlocked room.  

After a few minutes, the door opened and he began to walk out. Summoning up her courage, one of the secretaries barked, "Get back in there, and don't you come out until you're told!"  

The man scuttled back inside and slammed the door. When the security people returned, the women reported what had happened. Without a word, an officer walked into the room and released one very frightened telephone repairman.

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Here is today's CleanPun

Plenty of Places

I have been to plenty of places but I have never been in Cahoots. Apparently you can't go there alone, you have to be in Cahoots with someone.

I've never been in Cognito either. I hear that no one recognizes you there.

I have, however, been in Sane. They don't have an airport, you have to be driven there.

It's not hard to get there and I've made several trips. I'm planning one in the near future!

Here is today's One-liner

One-liner #0687

"Don't play stupid with me - I always win."

Here is today's CleanQuote

Quote #1139

"Trials, temptations, disappointments: all these are helps instead of hindrances if one uses them rightly. They not only test the fiber of character, but strengthen it. Every conquered temptation represents a new fund of moral energy. Every trial endured and weathered in the right spirit makes a soul nobler and stronger than it was before."
- James Buckham

Here is today's Illustration

Rough Boys

A little girl asked her mother, "Can I go outside and play with the boys?"

Her mother replied, "No, you can't play with the boys, they're too rough."

The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked, "If I can find a smooth one, can I play with him?"

The Cybersalt Digest is a ministry of Pastor Tim and Cybersalt
www.cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh

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 Issue #3713

Cybersalt News

Black and White vs. ColorIf you are subscribed to the black and white "text only" version of the Cybersalt Digest, you will notice that I have changed the mailing template so that you don't get the super-long links under the title for each item.  In the dreamy, full coloured version of the Digest the item titles are hot-linked so that if you click on them you will be taken to their unique location on the Cybersalt Site.

You can modify the text-only/color (html) settings of your subscription by clicking on the "Modify Your Subscription" link at the end of each Digest.

Today's new and improved featured page is "Bird Friendly" and you will find it at:

www.cybersalt.org/funny-pictures/bird-friendly

Enjoy the rest of today's digest.

Here is today's CleanLaugh

Computer Customer Quotes

"Computer Customer Quotes" or "Why goobers shouldn't own computers!"

  • Customer: "I have Microword Soft."
  • Customer: "Microwave Windows?"
  • Customer: "Will this upgrade include Microwave 97?"
  • Customer: (Referring to Microsoft Defrag.) "I ran Microwave Defrost, but it didn't help."
  • Customer: "I have Microsoft Exploder."
  • Customer: "I have Microscope Exploiter."
  • Customer: "I have Netscape Complicator."
  • Customer: "I have Netscape Regulator."
  • Customer: "Uhh...I have Newscape and Outlook Exposure."
  • Customer: "I use Outlook Explorer."
  • Customer: "I have a US Robotics Sportscaster modem."
  • Customer: "It's not my computer that is slow. I have a 200 horse power harddrive."

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Here is today's CleanPun

Clean Pun #0222

"When the automatic gas pumps ask me to select a grade I usually give a B for quality and an F for pricing."

Here is today's One-liner

One-liner #0686

"The only thing to fear is fear itself... and spiders."

Here is today's CleanQuote

Quote #1138

"You can find on the outside only what you possess on the inside."
- Adolfo Montiel Ballesteros

Here is today's Illustration

Wish You Could Reboot?

Don't you wish when life is bad and things just don't compute,
That all we really had to do was stop and hit reboot?

Things would all turn out ok, life could be so sweet
If we had those special keys: Ctrl, Alt, and Delete.

Your boss is mad, your bills not paid, your wife, well she's just mute
Just stop and hit those wonderful keys that make it all reboot.

You'd like to have another job but you fear living in the street?
You solve it all and start a new: Ctrl, Alt, and Delete.

The Cybersalt Digest is a ministry of Pastor Tim and Cybersalt
www.cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh

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 Issue #3712

Cybersalt News

Oh look, Chicken Thursday!

Today's featured page makes one wonder why cameras have red eye reduction but not white eye reduction.  You will find "Cat Toy Shock" at:

www.cybersalt.org/funny-cat-pictures/cat-toy-shock

For those of you following the technical side of things, I am happy to report that the Cybersalt Site is now running on Joomla 1.7.0.  My apologies to those of you who could not access your favorite pages for a while yesterday - including some of the links in yesterday's digest.  I changed a some settings to improve database function and this broke a few things for a while.  All seems to be fine once again.

Enjoy the rest of today's digest.

Here is today's CleanLaugh

Sheriff Vet

The sheriff of a small town was also the town's veterinarian.

One night the phone rang, and his wife answered. An agitated voice inquired, "Is your husband there?"

"Do you require his services as a sheriff or as a vet?" the wife asked.

"Both!" was the reply. "We can't get our dog's mouth open, and there's a burglar in it."

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Here is today's CleanPun

Chickens at the Library

A pair of chickens walk into a public library, find the librarian and say, 'Buk Buk BUK.' The librarian decides that the chickens want three books, and promptly gives them some.  Without further ado, the chickens walk out.

Around midday, the two chickens are back and looking quite annoyed. One leans over to the librarian and says,' Buk Buk BuKKOOK!' The librarian decides that the chickens want another three books and promptly gives them some more.  The chickens leave as before.

About an hour later the two birds march in, approach the librarian, looking very angry now and nearly shouting, 'Buk Buk Buk Buk Bukkooook!' The librarian is now starting to get worried about where all her stock is going.  She decides to give them more books but also to follow them and find out what's happening.

She followed them out of the library, out of town, and into to a park.  At this point, she hid behind a tree, not wanting to be seen.

She saw the two chickens throwing the books at a frog in a pond, to which the frog was kept repeating, "Rrredit Rrredit Rrredit..."

Here is today's One-liner

One-liner #0685

"The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with."

Here is today's CleanQuote

Quote #1137

"You do not need a parachute to skydive - you need a parachute to skydive twice."

Here is today's Illustration

In-Law Letter

When the man came home, his wife was crying.

"Your mother insulted me," she sobbed.

"My mother? How could she do that? She's on vacation on the other side of the world!" the man said.

"I know. But this morning a letter addressed to you arrived. I opened it because I was curious."

"And?"

"At the end of the letter she wrote:

PS. Dear Diane, when you have finished reading this letter, don't forget to give it to my son."

The Cybersalt Digest is a ministry of Pastor Tim and Cybersalt
www.cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh


Issue #3711

Cybersalt News

A few weeks ago a subscriber suggested it would be great to be able to share Cybersalt Digest items online from within the digest itself.  The first thought out of my technologically overloaded mind was, "Whoa, let's just calm down there with the requests!"

It turns out, though, that that options already existed in the new system I was switching over to. You can't share an individual item, but you can share the whole digest now through, Facebook, Twitter, LinkedIn and e-mail.  Starting today, you will find the links to do so in the right hand column of each Digest.

Today's featured updated page is "Old Testament Penalties".  You will find it at:

www.cybersalt.org/cartoons/football-penalties-bible-cartoon

Enjoy the rest of today's digest.

Here is today's CleanLaugh

Professional Animal Trainer

As a professional animal trainer, I was disturbed when my own dog developed a bad habit. Every time I hung my wash out on the clothesline, she would yank it down.

Drastic action was called for.

I put a white kitchen towel on the line and waited. Each time she pulled it off, I scolded her. After two weeks the towel was untouched. Then I hung out a large wash and left to do some errands.

When I came home, my clean clothes were scattered all over the yard. On the line was the white kitchen towel.

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Here is today's CleanPun

Clean Pun #0221

Is the Origami Society still around?

I heard they folded.

Here is today's One-liner

One-liner #0684

"I dream of a better tomorrow where chickens can cross the road and not have their motives questioned."

Here is today's CleanQuote

Quote #1136

"Love is the difficult realization that something other than oneself is real."
- Iris Murdoch

Here is today's Illustration

Rejecting Rejection

The next time your application for a job is rejected fill this letter out and send it back.

Dear [Interviewer's Name]:

Thank you for your letter of [Date of Interview].  After careful consideration I regret to inform you that I am unable to accept your refusal to offer me employment with your firm.  This year I have had been particularly fortunate in receiving an unusually large number of rejection letters.  With such a varied and promising field of candidates it is impossible for me to accept all refusals.

Despite [Firm's Name]'s outstanding qualifications and previous experience in rejecting applicants, I find that your rejection does not meet with my needs at this time.  Therefore, I will initiate employment with your firm immediately following graduation.  I look forward to seeing you then.

Best of luck in rejecting future candidates.

Sincerely,
[Your Name]

The Cybersalt Digest is a ministry of Pastor Tim and Cybersalt
www.cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh
  1. The Cybersalt Digest - Issue #3710 - August 2, 2011
  2. The Cybersalt Digest - Issue #3709 - August 1, 2011
  3. The Cybersalt Digest - Issue #3708 - July 31, 2011
  4. The Cybersalt Digest - Issue #3707 - July 30, 2011

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