Issue #3710
Cybersalt NewsAs you will have gathered already from the special administrative note I sent out earlier, I have transferred all of the Cybersalt Newsletters to new software that incorporates them within the same software (Joomla!) that runs the Cybersalt Site. This is not only going to allow for the introduction of new newsletter features, but it will also drastically streamline the effort and time it takes to put out our most popular newsletter; the Cybersalt Digest. I am happy to announce that with these time savings the PearlyGates list will once again be going out in the very near future. Part of moving the newsletters over to this new system included updating the entire archives of all items ever included in the Cybersalt Digest and it's predecessors. I hope that soon these archives will completely searchable online. I'll let you know when that is in place, but in the mean time you can cycle through these different areas through the following links: Clean Puns - www.cybersalt.org/entertainment/clean-puns There is plenty of new stuff on the horizon. For now, enjoy the rest of today's digest.
Cybersalt NewsHere is a tax form guaranteed to solve the debt-ceiling problem: Enjoy the rest of today's digest. Here is today's CleanLaugh - "Border Declaration"Finishing up our work at a trade show in San Diego, my co-worker Maureen and I decided to go sightseeing across the border in Tijuana, Mexico. While there, we went shopping and bought a few pieces of clay kitchenware. As we crossed back into the United States, a customs official asked if we had anything of value to report. "Not really," Maureen replied, digging in her bag for the bean crock she had purchased. Everyone around us froze as she continued, "I only bought a little pot." Today's CleanPun"Just Desserts: The worst thing about getting hit in the face with Pi is it never ends." Today's One Liner"Chickens should learn to talk because nobody ever said let's go get a bucket of parrot." Today's CleanQuote"I'm sorry for not communicating but sometimes it's hard to write on a moving planet." Today's Illustration - "Fish Stories"Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them. Two ardent fishermen met on their vacation and began swapping stories about the different places they had fished, the kind of tackle used, the best bait, and finally about some of the fish they had caught. One of them told of a vicious battle he once had with a 300-pound salmon. The other man listened attentively. He frankly admitted he had never caught anything quite that big. However, he told about the time his hook snagged a lantern from the depths of a lake. He said: "the lantern carried a tag proving it was For a long time the first man said nothing. Then he took one long deep breath and then said to the other man, "I'll tell you what I'll do," he said slowly. "I'll take 200 pounds off my fish, if you'll put out the light in your lantern." The Cybersalt Digest is a ministry of Pastor Tim and Cybersalt.org - a member of the Cybersalt family of sites. Pastor Tim pastored at Westside Bible Church, Victoria, British Columbia from November 1996 to October 2017.
Cybersalt NewsSunday greetings everyone! Enjoy today's digest. Here is today's CleanLaugh - "Mom's Bath Note"Dear Kids, Don't be alarmed, the world isn't coming to an end. I am simply taking a bath. It will take about thirty minutes and will involve soap and water. Yes, I know how to swim. Even if I didn't, forcing myself to drown in a half-inch of lukewarm water is more work than I've got energy for. (Which reminds me, I'm all for science projects, but the next time you want to see if Play-Doh floats, use cold water.) Don't panic if I'm not out right on time. I've heard that people don't dissolve in water and I'd like to test the theory. While I'm in the tub, I'd like you to remember a few things. The large slab of wood between us is called a door. Do not bang to hear my voice. I promise that even though you can't see me, I *am* on the other side. I'm not digging an escape tunnel and running for the border, no matter what I said a while ago. I didn't mean it. Honest. There will be plenty of time later to tell me about your day. "Later" means at a time when I am no longer naked, wet, and contemplating bubble gum in the blow dryer. I know you have important things to tell me. Please let one of them be that you have invented a new way to blow bubbles, not a new way to add gum to your hair. Believe it or not, shouting, "TELEPHONE!" through the closed bathroom door will *not* make the phone stop ringing. Answer it and take a message. Since Amazing Mind-Reading Mom has the day off, you'll need to write that message down. Use paper and a pencil. Do not use your brother and the laundry marker. We can't send him to school with telephone number tattoos. Water makes me wet, not deaf. I can still tell the difference between the sound of "nothing" and the sound of a child playing the piano with a basketball. I can also hear you tattling at the top of your lungs. I'm *choosing* NOT to answer you. No matter how much I would like it, water does not make me forgetful. I remember who you are and why you are grounded. No, you can't go to Shelby's house to play. No, you can't go to Shelby's house to use the bathroom. If someone is in our other bathroom, you will just have to think dry thoughts and wait. Unless you have four feet and a tail, do not think of going outside to "water" the lawn. I know the dog does it. The neighbors don't feel the need to call me when the dog does it. Unless the house catches on fire, stay inside and keep the doors locked. Do not go outside and throw rocks at the bathroom window to get my attention. I know it works in the movies. This is reality, the place where people don't like to sit in a tub while rocks and broken glass rain in on them. Do not set the house on fire. Call me if there is an emergency. Emergencies ARE: Emergencies are NOT: One other thing: Being forced to use the last roll of toilet paper for a towel does not make me happy. It makes me sticky with little white polka dots. In the future, when the tub overflows, use a mop to clean up the water instead of every towel in the house. For my sanity's sake, let's pretend it was the tub, Okay? No, I don't want to hear the real story. Ever. Especially not while I'm standing in the pool of water you missed. By the way, all Play-Doh experiments are hereby canceled. Be good. Entertain yourselves. Yes, you can do both at the same time. Try coloring, playing a game, or paying that stack of bills on the coffee table. I'll be out soon. Maybe. Love, Your Mom The Cybersalt Digest is a ministry of Pastor Tim and Cybersalt.org - a member of the Cybersalt family of sites. Pastor Tim pastored at Westside Bible Church, Victoria, British Columbia from November 1996 to October 2017.
Today's Cybersalt Digest is brought to you by: Cybersalt NewsToday's featured page reminds me of a true story that happened to me when I was 19 years old. I was doing a summer internship at a church in Cornwall, Ontario, and one particular man was always telling me to speak up when I preached. For several Sunday's I tried to speak louder, only to have him repeat his request on the way out after church each week. Finally, after practically swallowing the mic trying to talk closer to it at his repeated request, I very gently suggested that maybe he should have his hearing tested as he may need a hearing aid. He answered, "I have a hearing aid, but it's at home in my desk because I don't like wearing it." I strangled him in my mind (but not in my heart). You'll find "Bird Offerings": at: Enjoy the rest of today's digest. Here is today's CleanLaugh - "Shades of Tanning"Before going on vacation, I went to a tanning salon. I was under the lights so long that the protective shades I wore left a big white circle around each eye. Gazing at myself in the mirror the next day, I thought, "Man, I look like a clown." I had almost convinced myself that I was over-reacting until I got in line at the grocery store. I felt a tug at my shirt and looked down to see a toddler staring up at me. He asked, "Are you giving out balloons?" Today's CleanPun - "Damsel Dress"Once upon a time an evil king captured a beautiful princess and held her hostage in his high tower. Though she was very beautiful he forced her to wear a disgusting and smelly burlap dress. "You'll never get away with this," she cried. "Some brave knight will rescue me!" "Not in that old, dirty thing," the evil king replied. She waited day and night, but it was just as the king predicted. Every knight that saw her in the window of the high tower was scared away by her disgustingly dirty dress. After many months the princess broke down crying and the evil king taunted her: "You see? I told you no knight would rescue a damsel in this dress!" Today's One Liner"I keep trying to ostracize people but I can't get their attention." Today's CleanQuote"A blind boy paid his way to a master's degree at Northwestern University by taking notes on class lectures in Braille, typing them, and selling copies to classmates who had stronger eyes but weaker ambition." Today's Illustration - "How to Lie to the Bathroom Scales"Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them. 1. Weigh yourself with clothes on, after dinner...as well as in the morning, without clothes, before breakfast, because it's nice to see how much weight you've lost overnight. 2. Never weigh yourself with wet hair. 3. When weighing, remove everything, including glasses. In this case, blurred vision is an asset. Don't forget the earrings, these things can weigh at least a pound. 4. Use cheap scales only, never the medical kind, because they are always five pounds off...to your advantage, of course. 5. Always go to the bathroom first. 6. Stand with arms raised, making pressure on the scale lighter. (Waving them is optional but occasionally helps!) 7. Don't eat or drink in the morning until AFTER you've weighed in,completely naked, of course. 8. Weigh yourself after a haircut, this is good for at least half a pound of hair (hopefully). 9. Exhale with all your might BEFORE stepping onto the scale (air has to weigh something, right?) 10. Start out with just one foot on the scale, then holding onto the towel rack in front of you, slowly edge your other foot on and slowly let off of the rack. Admittedly, this takes time, but it's worth it. You will weigh at least two pounds less than if you'd stepped on normally. The Cybersalt Digest is a ministry of Pastor Tim and Cybersalt.org - a member of the Cybersalt family of sites. Pastor Tim pastored at Westside Bible Church, Victoria, British Columbia from November 1996 to October 2017.
Cybersalt NewsYesterday was an eventful day at Cybersalt World headquarters. Yours truly undertook some do-it-yourself plumbing and electrical work. At one point it looked like the water wasn't going to get turned back on until the hardware store re-opened in the morning, but the fixtures were figured out and the H2O was able to flow again. As for electricity, it flowed as well - up one arm and down the other. I think that's very similar to how it feels for some people when they are listening to me preach - without the muted gasp and shudder afterwards. Today's featured page on the Cybersalt site is "Kitten Hot Tub": Enjoy the rest of today's digest. Here is today's CleanLaugh - "Thesaurus Collision"Two trucks loaded with a thousand copies of Roget's Thesaurus collided as they left a New York publishing house last Thursday, according to the Associated Press. Witnesses were stunned, startled, aghast, taken aback, stupefied.… Today's CleanPun"I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but he turned out to be an optical Aleutian." Today's One LinerI read recipes the same way I read science fiction - I get to the end and say, "Well, that's not going to happen." Today's CleanQuote"Credentials on the wall do not make you a decent human being." Today's Illustration - "Hospital Complaints"Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them. Grandma Jones from the valley had never experienced a sick day in her life, so she didn't take it kindly when a bad case of the mulligrubs sent her to the hospital for observation. By the time a pair of husky interns got Grandma tucked into bed, she had managed to complain about everything: the temperature, the lights, the skimpy gown, the food and the mattress, especially, the mattress. Suddenly, Grandma spotted a small plastic item with a button, attached to a cord. "What's that?" she demanded. "If you need anything in the middle of the night, Grandma," said one of the interns, "just press that button." "What does it do, ring a bell?" she asked. "No, it turns on a light in the hall for the nurse on duty," the intern replied. "A light in the hall?" responded Grandma. "Look, I'm the sick one around here. If the night nurse needs a light on in the hall, she can get up and switch it on herself." The Cybersalt Digest is a ministry of Pastor Tim and Cybersalt.org - a member of the Cybersalt family of sites. Pastor Tim pastored at Westside Bible Church, Victoria, British Columbia from November 1996 to October 2017. |