Cybersalt Digest Archive


Issue #3730

Cybersalt News

2heartsYesterday's Cybersalt Digest did not go out because of an error between my seat and my keyboard (I set it to go out for the wrong date).

Speaking of mistakes - one mistake I did not make was marrying Mrs. Cybersalt 25 years ago today!  Of course, back then she wasn't Mrs. Cybersalt - she was a Priest. (My apologies to those of you who will be too shocked to solve that riddle.)

There is a new game on the Cybersalt site today.  I hope you enjoy playing around with "Grid Game" at:
www.cybersalt.org/games/grid-game

Enjoy the rest of today's mailing.

Here is today's CleanLaugh

Busy Mom

My busy mother sometimes accidentally left pots and pans on the stove with the burners on, so she resorted to posting this reminder on the kitchen door: "STOVE?"

My sister, back from college, noticed Mother's sign. Beneath it she taped her reply:

"No -- Door! Trust me. I went to college."

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Here is today's One-liner

One-liner #0701

"When I was born I was so lazy, my parents had to feed me and dress me and carry me around with them all day."

Here is today's CleanPun

Low 80's Golf

"I play golf in the low 80's," the little old man was telling one of the young boys at the club.

"Wow," said the young man, "that's pretty impressive."

"Not really," said the little old man. "Any hotter and I'd probably have a stroke."

 

Here is today's CleanQuote

Quote #1155

"If you believe what you like in the gospels, and reject what you don't like, it is not the gospel you believe, but yourself."
- Augustine

Here is today's Illustration

Under the Bed

Because of back problems, each night I lie on the floor and do exercises.

Once when we stopped at a motel, as I started my exercise, something under the bed caught my eye.

It was a card, on which was written, "Yes, we do clean under here, too."

 

The Cybersalt Digest is a ministry of Pastor Tim and Cybersalt

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 Issue #3729

Cybersalt News

Sunday greetings everyone.

The Westside Bible Church web site has been updated with last weekend's message and service.  You will find them at:
www.westsidefamily.org/messages/courageous-judgement
and
www.westsidefamily.org/services/sunday-service-august-14-2011

Enjoy the rest of today's mailing.

Here is today's CleanLaugh

Leaving the Farm

A dying granny tells her granddaughter, "I want to leave you my farm. That includes the villa, the tractor, and other equipment, the farmhouse and $22,398,750.78 in cash."

The granddaughter, about to become rich says, "Oh granny, you are so generous. I didn't even know you had a farm. Where is it?".

With her last breath, granny whispered, "Facebook..."

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Here is today's One-liner

One-liner #0700

"A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory."

Here is today's CleanPun

Rough Childhood

"My childhood was rough. Once for my birthday my old man gave me a bat. The first day I played with it, it flew away."
- Rodney Dangerfield

Here is today's CleanQuote

Quote #1154

"Don't let the pain of one season destroy the joy of all the rest."

Here is today's Illustration

Division of Labor

The couple had an outstandingly happy and successful marriage. The husband was once asked to what he attributed this remarkable situation.

"It's simple," he said. "Division of labor. My wife makes all the small, routine decisions. She decides what house we buy, where we go on vacation, whether the kids go to private schools, if I should change my job, and so on."

"And you?"

"I make the big, fundamental decisions. I decide if the United States should declare war on China, if Congress should appropriate money for a manned expedition to Mars, and so on."

The Cybersalt Digest is a ministry of Pastor Tim and Cybersalt

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 Issue #3728

Cybersalt News

My apologies to those of you who received doubles of today's Cybersalt Digest.  Some of the initial mails that went out still had yesterday's news instead of today's news.

Today's featured page, a longtime favorite on the old Cybersalt site, has only recently been moved to the new site.  You will find "Mad Cow Test" at:
www.cybersalt.org/funny-pictures/mad-cow-test

Enjoy the rest of today's mailing.

Here is today's CleanLaugh

Australian Military Helicopter Simulation

This is supposedly a true story from a recent Defence Science Lectures Series, as related by the head of the Australian DSTO's Land Operations/Simulation division.

They had been working on some really nifty virtual reality simulators, the case in point being to incorporate Armed Reconnaissance Helicopters into exercises (from the data fusion point of view). Most of the people they employ on this sort of thing are ex- (or future) computer game programmers. Anyway, as part of the reality parameters, they included things like trees and animals. For the Australian simulation they included kangaroos. In particular, they had to model kangaroo movements and reactions to helicopters (since hordes of disturbed kangaroos might well give away a helicopter's position).

Being good programmers, they just stole some code (which was originally used to model infantry detachments reactions under the same stimuli), and changed the mapped icon, the speed parameters, etc. The first time they went to demonstrate this to some visiting Americans, the hotshot pilots decided to get "down and dirty" with the virtual kangaroos. So, they buzzed them, and watched them scatter. The visiting Americans nodded appreciatively... then gaped wide-eyed as the kangaroos ducked around a hill, and launched about two dozen Stinger missiles at the hapless helicopter.

Programmers looked rather embarrassed at forgetting to remove that part of the infantry coding... and the Americans left muttering comments about not wanting to mess with the Aussie wildlife!

As an addendum, simulator pilots from that point onwards avoided kangaroos like the plague, just like they were meant to do in the first place.

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Here is today's One-liner

One-liner #0699

"If we are to learn anything of value from Star Trek, it's that the universe is filled with vastly different styles of foreheads."
- Chris Needles

 

Here is today's CleanPun

Columbus Return

The teacher asked her fifth-grade class, "How was Columbus treated when he returned from his third voyage?"

One student said, "Lots of people met him at the pier, and they all had a great time."

Sternly, the teacher said, "You didn't read the assignment!"

The student brought the textbook up to the teacher's desk and showed her where it read, "Columbus received a cool reception when he returned from his third voyage."

 

Here is today's CleanQuote

Quote #1153

"When we come to a clearer and more sober estimate of our own limitations and responsibilities, that makes it possible more genuinely to love our neighbor."
- Dietrich Bonhoeffer in "Letters and Papers from Prison"

Here is today's Illustration

Pet Bills

While waiting at the veterinarian's office, I overheard two women chatting about their dogs.

"What's your dog's name?" asked the first woman.

"Well, we used to call her Pork Chop," answered the second lady. "But after

the vet bills we've had for her, we now call her Filet Mignon."

 

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 Issue #3727

Cybersalt News

I want you to know that no cats or sharks were hurt in the making of today's new entry in the FunBlog.  No fish were hurt either.
http://www.cybersalt.org/funblog/flying-shark-attacks-cat

Enjoy the rest of today's mailing.

Here is today's CleanLaugh

Run Through the Woods

Two campers, both in the 60s are walking through the woods.

A huge brown bear suddenly appeared in the clearing about 50 feet in front of them. The bear spots the campers and begins to head toward them.

Joe drops his backpack, digs out a pair of sneakers, and frantically begins to put them on.

His buddy Jack says, "What are you doing? Sneakers won't help you outrun that bear."

"I don't need to outrun the bear," Joe says. "I just need to outrun you."

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Here is today's One-liner

One-liner #0698

"The tallest blade of grass is the first to be cut by the lawnmower."

Here is today's CleanPun

Towards and Away

One day many years ago, a fisherman's wife blessed her husband with twin sons. They loved the children very much, but couldn't think of what to name their children. Finally, after several days, the fisherman said, "Let's not decide on names right now. If we wait a little while, the names will simply occur to us."

After several weeks had passed, the fisherman and his wife noticed a peculiar fact. When left alone, one of the boys would always turn towards the sea, while the other boy would face inland. It didn't matter which way the parents positioned the children, the same child always faced the same direction. "Let's call the boys Towards and Away," suggested the fisherman. His wife agreed, and from that point on, the boys were simply known as TOWARDS and AWAY.

The years passed and the lads grew tall and strong. The day came when the aging fisherman said to his sons, "Boys, it's time that you learned how to make a living from the sea." They provisioned their ship, said their goodbyes, and set sail for a three-month voyage.

The three months passed quickly for the fisherman's wife, yet the ship had not returned. Another three months passed, and still no ship.

Three whole years passed before the grieving woman saw a lone man walking towards her house. She recognized him as her husband. "My goodness! What has happened to my darling boys?" she cried.

The ragged fisherman began to tell his story:

"We were just barely one whole day out to sea when Towards hooked into a great fish. Towards fought long and hard, but the fish was more than his equal. For a whole week
they wrestled upon the waves without either of them letting up. Yet eventually the great fish started to win the battle, and Towards was pulled over the side of our ship. He was swallowed whole, and we never saw either of them again."

"Oh dear, that must have been terrible! What a huge fish that must have been! What a horrible fish. What a *horrible, horrible* fish!"

"Yes, it was, but you should have seen the one that got Away!"

Here is today's CleanQuote

Quote #1152

"Man has set for himself the goal of conquering the world but in the processes loses his soul."
- Aleksandr Solzhenitsyn

Here is today's Illustration

Cakes and Ale and Legalism

Here is a purported-to-be-true story someone found regarding exams at Cambridge University. It seems that during an examination one day, a bright young student popped up and asked the proctor to bring him cakes and ale. The following dialog ensued:

Proctor: I beg your pardon?

Student: Sir, I request that you bring me cakes and ale.

Proctor: Sorry, no.

Student: Sir, I really must insist. I request and require that you bring me cakes and ale.

At this point, the student produced a copy of the four hundred-year-old Laws of Cambridge, written in Latin and still nominally in effect, and pointed to the section that read (roughly translated): "Gentlemen sitting examinations may request and require cakes and ale." Pepsi and hamburgers were judged the modern equivalent, and the student sat there, writing his examination and happily eating and slurping away.

Three weeks later, the student was fined five pounds for not wearing a sword to the examination.

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 Issue #3726

Cybersalt News

Oh look, Chicken Thursday!

Some children just don't have a chance at living a normal life - especially those with "The Knack."
www.cybersalt.org/funblog/the-knack

Enjoy the rest of today's mailing.

 

Here is today's CleanLaugh

You Know You're Getting Old When

You know you're getting there when...

  • Everything that works hurts, and what doesn't hurt doesn't work.
  • You feel like the morning after, and you haven't been anywhere.
  • Your little black book only contains names ending in M.D.
  • Your children are beginning to look middle-aged.
  • Your mind makes contracts your body can't keep.
  • You look forward to a dull evening.
  • Your knees buckle and your belt won't.
  • Your back goes out more than you do.
  • You sink your teeth into a steak, and they stay there.
  • You know all the answers, but nobody asks the questions.
  • You and your teeth don't sleep together.
  • Your try to straighten out the wrinkles in your socks and discover you aren't wearing any.
  • At the breakfast table you hear snap, crackle, pop and you're not eating cereal.
  • Your back goes out but you stay home.
  • When you wake up looking like your driver's license picture.
  • It takes two tries to get up from the couch.
  • When your idea of a night out is sitting on the patio.
  • When happy hour is a nap.
  • When you're on vacation and your energy runs out before your money does.
  • When you say something to your kids that your mother said to you and you always hated it.
  • When all you want for your birthday is to not be reminded of your age.
  • When you step off a curb and look down one more time to make sure the street is still there.
  • Your idea of weight lifting is standing up.
  • It takes longer to rest than it did to get tired.
  • Your memory is shorter and your complaining lasts longer.
  • You sit in a rocking chair and can't get it going.
  • The pharmacist has become your new best friend.

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Here is today's One-liner

One-liner #0697

"If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate."
- Steven Wright

Here is today's CleanPun

Hip Hop Culture

"I'm surprised that the hip-hop culture hasn't caught on with rabbits."

Here is today's CleanQuote

Quote #1151

"For what is faith unless it is to believe what you do not see?"
- Augustine

Here is today's Illustration

Mistaken Identity

This year, at the annual summer day camp Westside Bible Church runs, we have a set of identical twin brothers enrolled. They are 6 years old and very, very identical.

At the end of each day's schedule, all of the day camp students gather together in our main hall and watch a slide show of pictures taken during the various activities of the day. As they watch, the children point out individuals they recognize in the photos. Today, when one of the twins was recognized, a number of children pointed to him and said, "That's you!"

Apparently it wasn't, because he replied loudly in protest, "No, that's not me. That's the other me!"

 

The Cybersalt Digest is a ministry of Pastor Tim and Cybersalt

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  1. The Cybersalt Digest - Issue #3725 - August 17, 2011
  2. The Cybersalt Digest - Issue #3724 - August 16, 2011
  3. The Cybersalt Digest - Issue #3723 - August 15, 2011
  4. The Cybersalt Digest - Issue #3722 - August 14, 2011

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