Cybersalt Digest Archive

[Cybersalt Digest] Issue #3735

Cybersalt News - September 2, 2011

Today's featured funny picture is a timely reminder to remember your manners when you attend barbecues.  You will find "Barbecue Fork" at:

www.cybersalt.org/funny-pictures/barbecue-fork 

Enjoy the rest of today's mailing.

Here is today's CleanLaugh

Classroom Talk

Thanks to Cybersalt Digest subscriber, Georgia B., for passing along this story from her sister-in-law, Mrs. Hall.

As you know, kids say the darnedest things.

Yesterday, a sweet little nugget said, “Mrs. Hall, your eyes sparkle like glitter.” And I thought, well, this boy already knows his way to a women’s heart.

Today, as I was giving directions to the class about a quiz we were about to take and where to turn it in, I asked if there were any questions. A different little nugget raised his hand. Of course I asked him what his question was. Any ideas on his question………

“Mrs. Hall, did you know that your arm jiggled when you moved it like that?”

Obviously, this little boy will be alone forever.

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Here is today's One-liner

One-liner #0708

"If life hands you melons, you might be dyslexic."

Here is today's CleanPun

Pirate Corn

What does a pirate pay for corn?

A buccaneer.

Here is today's CleanQuote

Quote #1160

"If joy and triumph be showed when a king's child is born to the world, what joy is sufficient, when God's child is regenerated from heaven. The one is flesh, which is born of flesh: the other is spirit, which is born of Spirit. The one also shall wither like the grass of the earth in short time, the other shall live in heaven beyond all time."
- William Cecil

Here is today's Illustration

Mother's Day Sneak

It was Mothers Day in Georgia in 1970. I had just retired from the Air Force and was in Milledgeville attending Georgia, College.

That Mothers Day Sunday, my family and I were at Molesville Baptist Church waiting for the Preacher to begin when I looked around noticing our 12-year-old son was absent.  My wife and I looked at each other with questioning eyes, thinking he was probably outside playing with his friends.

Ten or fifteen minutes later the choir was singing and still no son.  Thirty minutes later the preacher was well into his sermon and still no son.  I knew in my heart of hearts the only thing wrong was his priorities, which as soon as we came face-to-face again, I would direct him into knowing what was important and what was not important.

Since we only lived about a block from the church, all through the sermon I was thinking he had gone home to watch television.  I knew when I found him, he would not either be able to sit down for a week or be interested in watching television.

As soon as the preacher said the benediction and without staying to shake hands with fellow worshippers, my wife and I rushed for the door and on our way home.  With anger building with every step I took toward the house, I imagined what I would say and what I would do as soon as we found him.

With all that tension and anxiety building, can you imagine our surprise when we walked into the house and found him sitting on the sofa waiting for us with a smile.  I was just about to let it all out, when without saying a word he stood, took his mother by the hand, and led her into the kitchen.

There before us was a beautiful table of food that our twelve-year-old son had prepared for my wife as his Mothers Day gift for his mom with his smile as garnishing for the meal.

Later, we learned he left immediately after Sunday School to rush home to have it prepared for his Mom when she returned afte preaching.

Isn't this the way God is sometimes.  We look at our circumstances and stand wonder at how bad we think things are. Then, when we see God's outcome, we can only bow our humble heads in amazement at how things turned out for our good and His glory!

- Lawrence Brotherton

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Issue #3734

Cybersalt News

Oh look, Chicken Thursday - and a happy September to you all as well!

The return of the Cybersalt Digest is a few days late due to all the fun Mrs. Cybersalt and I are having with family who are still here after last weekend's wedding.  I haven't even cracked the camera open to get a good wedding picture to share with you all.  However, I have posted a picture of the newlyweds on the Cybersalt site.  It was taken on my first generation iPhone so give a poor father of the groom a break.
www.cybersalt.org/davis-family-news/congratulations-clayton-and-rebecca

There is a new entry in the Funblog today.  If you enjoyed seeing the school bus jump over the cars you will probably enjoy "Big Rig School Bus Jump" at:
www.cybersalt.org/funblog/big-rig-school-bus-jump

For those of you not into stuff being flipped over, perhaps this inspiring video of something being set right will be more your speed.  You will find "A Little Help From My Friend" at:
www.cybersalt.org/videos/a-little-help-from-a-friend

Enjoy the rest of today's mailing.

Here is today's CleanLaugh

Meet the Parents

A young man looking to get married asked his friend. "Every woman I bring home to meet my parents, my mother doesn't like."

"Oh, that's easy," his pal replied. "All you have to do is find someone who is just like your mother."

"I did that already," he said, "and that one my father didn't like."

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Here is today's One-liner

One-liner #0707

"A healthy adult male consumes each year one-and-one-half times his own weight in other people's patience."

Here is today's CleanPun

Life is Like a Donut

"Life is like a doughnut... you're either in the dough or in the hole."

Here is today's CleanQuote

Quote #1159

Anyone who starts a sentence "With all due respect..." is about to insult you.

Here is today's Illustration

What Does Your Horn Say?

Do you remember when the whole lower half of a car's steering wheel used to constitute the car's horn? A car horn that was half the size of the steering wheel made it so much easier and fun to find and hit than locating today's microscopic, camouflaged little buttons. How are you ever supposed to find and use your horn in the nanosecond you have in case of a pending accident?

But it was a daughter's comment that made me ponder the changing role of yet another thing I thought would never change. She said something to the effect that a horn was mainly for communicating to another driver that you are angry with them. I was a little shocked.

When had a car horn become mostly an instrument to express road rage?

How were we communicating that to her? I didn't think of a car horn that way at all!

So I started to tell her all about all the old-fashioned uses of the trusty car horn. Isn't a horn primarily for accident prevention? To warn another driver that they are straying into your path, or in danger of hitting you? For such uses, the little buttons are woefully inadequate.

Unless you drive with your thumb or finger poised over the button, forget it. You can never find the horn that fast.

How else are horns used? Well, of course there is the friendly little "hello" honk. Then there is the romantic or flirting honk. Then there is the sentimental goodbye honk: one woman taps her horn lightly whenever she leaves her mother's home - a cute little ritual that somehow signals all is well between them. A goodbye honk is like a goodnight kiss: hard to do if you are mad at someone.

It is an unfortunate sign of the times if my kids have come to think of the horn as a thing you use to sound off at another driver.

So what are we teaching our kids by example and what they absorb from the rest of society if they look at car horns primarily as a tool of aggression? The increase in road-rage and the erosion of the old-fashioned accident-preventing car horn to the point where the horn is mainly an accent mark for flaring tempers is undoubtedly due to many factors.

But can we stem this trend by taking a look again at how we see other people? When we respect other people as God's creation, as people that God also loves, we move even our road etiquette up a little higher on the civility scale.

- Author Unknown

 

The Cybersalt Digest is a ministry of Pastor Tim and Cybersalt

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 Issue #3733

Cybersalt News

The invasion has happened!  The extended Davis family has come from afar and invaded Cybersalt World Headquarters for this weekend's celebration of Clayton and Rebecca's wedding. To accommodate everyone we've even set up a huge tent in the backyard.

I can neither confirm nor deny that Muammar Gaddafi is staying in this tent, but I can let you know I've borrowed a pretty sweet jacket with huge applets from someone who has been starring in his own reality show since 1969.  He keeps going on about knowing someone who can mount an anti-aircraft gun in the back of my pickup truck.  That and the sound of unmanned predator drones in my neighborhood is pretty annoying - but I digress.

With a very busy weekend of wedding stuff, the Cybersalt Digest will not be published again until Tuesday.

Until then, if you need a Cybersalt fix, just swing on over to www.cybersalt.org.

There's games there too you know! - www.cybersalt.org/entertainment/games

Enjoy the rest of today's mailing.

Here is today's CleanLaugh

Dog House Rules Progression

1.  Dogs are never permitted in the house.  The dog stays outside in a specially built wooden compartment named, for very good reason, the dog house.

2.  Okay, the dog can enter the house, but only for short visits or if his own house is under renovation.

3.  Okay, the dog can stay in the house on a permanent basis, provided his dog house can be sold in a yard sale to a rookie dog owner.

4.  Inside the house, the dog is not allowed to run free and is confined to a comfortable but secure metal cage.

5.  Okay, the cage becomes part of a two-for-one deal along with the dog house in the yard sale, and the dog can go wherever he pleases.

6.  The dog is never allowed on the furniture.

7.  Okay, the dog can get on the old furniture but not the new furniture.

8.  Okay, the dog can get up on the new furniture until it looks like the old furniture and then we'll sell the whole works and buy new furniture...  upon which the dog will most definitely not be allowed.

9.  The dog never sleeps on the bed.  Period.

10.  Okay, the dog can sleep at the foot of the bed.

11.  Okay, the dog can sleep alongside you, but he's not allowed under the covers.

12.  Okay, the dog can sleep under the covers but not with his head on the pillow.

13.  Okay, the dog can sleep alongside you under the covers with his head on the pillow, but if he snores he's got to leave the room.

14.  Okay, the dog can sleep and snore and have nightmares in bed, but he's not to come in and sleep on the couch in the TV room, where I'm now sleeping.  That's just not fair.

15.  The dog never gets listed on the census questionnaire as "primary resident," even if it's true.

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Here is today's One-liner

One-liner #0704

"Compromise: an agreement whereby both parties get what neither of them wanted."

Here is today's CleanPun

Autobiography

"An autobiography without punctuation is a life sentence."

Here is today's CleanQuote

Quote #1158

"People, even more than things, have to be restored, renewed, revived, reclaimed and redeemed. Never throw out anyone."
- Audrey Hepburn

Here is today's Illustration

Virginia Earthquake

The U.S. Geological Survey has determined that the epicenter of the Virginia earthquake was in a graveyard just outside of Washington, D.C.

The cause appears to be the Founding Fathers rolling over in their graves.

(Thanks to Randy B. for submitting this.)

The Cybersalt Digest is a ministry of Pastor Tim and Cybersalt

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 Issue #3732

Cybersalt News

Riddle me this Batman!  OK, Batman is not a subscriber of the Cybersalt Digest so let's leave him out.  But Tuesday's riddle does have a number of you stumped so here is the answer (with congratulations to those who figured it out.)

The riddle was: "One mistake I did not make was marrying Mrs. Cybersalt 25 years ago today! Of course, back then she wasn't Mrs. Cybersalt - she was a Priest."

So how could my wife be a Priest?  The clue was that she was a capital "P" Priest - her maiden name of course.  While we are on the topic, my mother-in-law, 2 of my brothers-in-law, and one sister-in-law remain Priests to this day.

Speaking of nuns, today's featured funny picture is "The Nuns of Gavarone" at:
www.cybersalt.org/funny-pictures/the-nuns-of-gavarone

Enjoy the rest of today's mailing.

Here is today's CleanLaugh

More Laws of Life

* Murphy's First Law for Wives: If you ask your husband to pick up five items at the store and then you add one more as an afterthought, he will forget two of the first five.

* Lerman's Law of Technology: Any technical problem can be overcome given enough time and money.
Corollary: You are never given enough time or money.

* Law of the Search: The first place to look for anything is the last place you would expect to find it.
Corollary: It will not be in the last place you expect to find it.

* Kauffman's Paradox of the Corporation: The less important you are to the corporation, the more your tardiness or absence is noticed.

* The Salary Axiom: The pay raise is just large enough to increase your taxes and just small enough to have no effect on your take-home pay.

* Miller's Law of Insurance: Insurance covers everything except what happens.

* First Law of Living: As soon as you start doing what you always wanted to be doing, you will want to be doing something else.

* Isaac's Strange Rule of Staleness: Any food that starts out hard will soften when stale. Any food that starts out soft will harden when stale.

* Kenny's Law of Auto Repair: The part requiring the most consistent repair or replacement will be housed in the most inaccessible location.

* Second Law of Business Meetings: If there are two possible ways to spell a person's name, you will pick the wrong one.
Corollary: If there is only one way to spell a name, you will spell it wrong anyway.

* The Grocery Bag Law: The candy bar you planned to eat on the way home from the market is hidden at the bottom of the grocery bag.

* Yeager's Law: Washing machines break down only during the wash cycle.
Corollary: All breakdowns occur on the plumber's day off.

* Lampner's Law of Employment: When leaving work late, you will go unnoticed. When you leave work early, you will meet the boss in the parking lot.

* Quile's Consultation Law: The job that pays the most will be offered when there is no time to deliver the services.

* Loftus' Law: Some people manage by the book, even though they don't know who wrote the book or even which book it is.

* Lovka's Dilemma: You never get away, you only get someplace else.

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Here is today's One-liner

One-liner #0703

"I think my smart phone is broken.... I pressed my home button but I'm still at work."

Here is today's CleanPun

Stealing Wifi

"If your neighbor asks you if you were stealing his wifi, you may feel like it's an invasion of your piracy."

Here is today's CleanQuote

Quote #1157

"Taking the bull by the horns is often a sound course of action..as long as you and the bull agree on when to let go."

Here is today's Illustration

A Man for Every Woman

Diane was getting real discouraged over the lack of finding a steady man in her life.

In an attempt to lift her spirits, her friend Karen said, "There's a man for every woman and a woman for every man. You can't change that."

Diane replied, "I don't want to change it! I just wanna get in on it."

 

The Cybersalt Digest is a ministry of Pastor Tim and Cybersalt

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 Issue #3731

Cybersalt News

I've have just finished moving all of my past devotionals from the old site to the new Cybersalt Site.  They are in the Cybersalt Shaker area at:

www.cybersalt.org/blogs/totally-tim/cybersalt-shaker

Enjoy the rest of today's mailing.

Here is today's CleanLaugh

Maturity Under Attack

We Must Stop This!!

Have you ever noticed that when you're of a certain age, everything seems uphill from where you are? Stairs are steeper. Groceries are heavier, and everything is farther away. Yesterday I walked to the corner and I was dumbfounded to discover how long our street had become!

And, you know, people are less considerate now, especially the young ones. They speak in whispers all the time! I also think they are much younger than I was at the same age. On the other hand, people my own age are so much older than I am. I ran into an old friend the other day and she has aged so much that she didn't even recognize me. I got to thinking about the poor dear while I was combing my hair this morning, and in doing so, I glanced at my own refection........Well, REALLY NOW ......... even mirrors are not made the way they used to be!

Another thing, everyone drives so fast today! You're risking life and limb if you just happen to pull onto the freeway in front of them. All I can say is, their brakes must wear out awfully fast, the way I see them screech and swerve in my rear view mirror.

Clothing manufacturers are less civilized these days. Why else would they suddenly start labeling a size 10 or 12 dress as 18 or 20? Do they think no one notices that these things no longer fit around the waist, hips, thighs, and bosom?

The people who make bathroom scales are pulling the same prank, but in reverse. Do they think I actually "believe" the number I see on that? HA! I would never let myself weigh that much! Just who do these they're fooling?

I'd like to call up someone in authority to report what's going on. But the telephone company is in on the conspiracy too. They've printed the phone books in such small type that no one could ever find a number in here!

All I can do is pass along this warning: Maturity is under attack!

Unless something drastic happens, pretty soon "everyone" will have to suffer these awful indignities.

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Here is today's One-liner

One-liner #0702

A bumper sticker seen on a stealth bomber: "IF YOU CAN READ THIS, THEN WE WASTED 50 BILLION BUCKS."

Here is today's CleanPun

Surgeon Book Return

A surgeon goes to return some books borrowed from the library. The librarian quips after checking the books, "Sir your books are always returned with the last page missing in every book."

The surgeon replies, "I can't stop myself from removing an appendix when ever I see one.

 

Here is today's CleanQuote

Quote #1156

"I am not afraid of the dark - I am afraid of monsters."

Here is today's Illustration

Value For Money

Patient: How much will it cost me to have this tooth extracted?

Dentist: $300

Patient: $300 for just a few minutes work, that expensive.

Dentist: O.K. I'll pull it out slowly if you prefer.

The Cybersalt Digest is a ministry of Pastor Tim and Cybersalt

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  1. The Cybersalt Digest - Issue #3730 - August 23, 2011
  2. The Cybersalt Digest - Issue #3729 - August 21, 2011
  3. The Cybersalt Digest - Issue #3728 - August 20, 2011
  4. The Cybersalt Digest - Issue #3727 - August 19, 2011

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