Cybersalt Digest Archive


Issue #3720

Cybersalt News

What do you get when you combine pipe cleaners and genetic engineering?  You get the latest entry in the FunBlog. I think you will enjoy and be amazed by "Two Bendy Clowns in a Box" at:
www.cybersalt.org/funblog/two-bendy-clowns-in-a-box

Enjoy the rest of today's mailing.

Here is today's CleanLaugh

Cell Phone Flight Call

En route to Hawaii, I noticed one of my passengers in the coach section of the airplane dialing her cell phone.

"Excuse me. That can't be on during the flight," I reminded her. "Besides, we're over the ocean-you won't get a signal out here."

"That's okay," she said. "I'm just calling my daughter. She's sitting up in first class."

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Here is today's One-liner

One-liner #0691

"If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining."

Here is today's CleanPun

Noah's Bees

"Noah kept his bees in archives."

Here is today's CleanQuote

Clean Quote #1145

"Life has become so complex that not even teenagers have all the answers anymore."

Here is today's Illustration

Climbing the Walls

With some misgivings, we left a young baby-sitter in charge of our three energetic youngsters.

When we returned a few hours later, she was sitting alone watching TV. I went to check on the children, and found them in our narrow hallway.  By bracing their arms and legs against the walls, two of them had climbed up to the ceiling.

"The baby-sitter taught us how," they said gleefully.

The sitter joined me, her face a deep red.  "Since they had me climbing the walls, I figured they might as well be too," she stammered.

We kept the same girl for the next two years.

The Cybersalt Digest is a ministry of Pastor Tim and Cybersalt

www.cybersalt.org

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 Issue #3719

Cybersalt News

Actor Francesco Quinn in Old El Paso Chicken Thursday CommercialOh look, Chicken Thursday - and a sad one at that because the actor in the Old El Paso "Chicken Thursday" commercials (which inspired the silly observation of Chicken Thursdays in the Cybersalt Digest) passed away suddenly this past Sunday.

Francesco Quinn, son of the late actor Anthony Quinn, died of an apparent heart attack on August 5, 2011.  He was 48.  Our sympathy and condolences go out to his family.

Today's featured page on the Cybersalt Site has a cartoon we use every week in the announcement PowerPoint at Westside Bible Church:
www.cybersalt.org/cartoons/cell-phones-in-church-cartoon

Enjoy the rest of today's mailing.

Here is today's CleanLaugh

Laws of Household Physics

Ever notice that the laws of household physics are every bit as real as all other laws of the universe?  Here are a few examples:

1.  A child's eagerness to assist in any project varies in inverse proportion to his ability to actually do the work involved.

2.  Leftovers always expand to fill all available containers plus one.

3.  A newly washed window gathers dirt at double the speed of an unwashed window.

4.  The availability of a ballpoint pen is inversely proportional to how badly it is needed.

5.  The same clutter that will fill a one-car garage will fill a two-car garage.

6.  Three children plus two cookies equals a fight.

7.  The potential for disaster is in direct proportion to the number of TV remote controls divided by the number of viewers.

8.  The number of doors left open varies inversely with the outdoor temperature.

9.  The capacity of any hot-water heater is equal to one and one-half sibling showers.

10.  What goes up must come down, except bubble gum and slightly used Rice Krispies.

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Here is today's One-liner

One-liner #0690

As I walk in the Valley of the Shadow of Death, I think to myself, "This place obviously wasn't named by a real-estate developer."

Here is today's CleanPun

Screwdriver

"Does that screwdriver belong to Philip?"

Here is today's CleanQuote

Clean Quote #1144

"Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain."  
- Lily Tomlin

Here is today's Illustration

A Priceless Gift

A Priceless Gift
by Helen Steiner Rice
 
Friendship is a priceless gift
That can't be bought or sold,
But its value is far greater
Than a mountain made of gold.

For gold is cold and lifeless,
It cannot see nor hear,
And in your times of trouble,
It is powerless to cheer.

It has no ears to listen,
No heart to understand.
It cannot bring you comfort
Or reach out a helping hand.

So when you ask God for a gift,
Be thankful that he sends,
Not diamonds, pearls, or riches,
But the love of a real, true friend.

The Cybersalt Digest is a ministry of Pastor Tim and Cybersalt

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 Issue #3718

Cybersalt News

I have added a new feature to the Cybersalt Digest today - a "Latest Funny Pictures" module.  Now instead of me jamming the news with notifications of all the new funny picture pages on the Cybersalt Site, you can skip to that area for a feast of linkage - No, not the sausage kind.

BTW, if you play the Social Media check-in game Foursquare.com, you should check-in and get some points at Cybersalt World Headquarters! Can't visit locally?  Well, you can still check in and I won't judge you.  I will even look the other way if you decide to friend me (cybersalt).  Of course, I might be looking the other way because I'm pretending you aren't following me.

Enjoy today's mailing!

Here is today's CleanLaugh

Typo Apology

"We apologize for the error in the last  edition, in which we stated that 'Mr Fred Nicolme is a Defective in the Police Force'.

This was a typographical error. We meant of course that Mr Nicolme is a Detective in the Police Farce."

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Here is today's One-liner

One-liner #0689

"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways to exit this airplane."
- Unknown flight attendant.

Here is today's CleanPun

Sermon Rehearsal

"When a minister rehearses his sermon he is practicing what he preaches?"

Here is today's CleanQuote

Quote #1143

"Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake."
- Napoleon Bonaparte

 

Here is today's Illustration

Someone Else's Obituary

Someone Else's Obituary

Our church was saddened to learn this week of the death of one of our most valued members, Someone Else.

Someone's passing creates a vacancy that will be difficult to fill. Else has been with us for many years and for every one of those years, Someone did far more than a normal person's share of the work. Whenever there was a job to do, a class to teach, or a meeting to attend, one name was on everyone's list, "Let Someone Else do it."

Whenever leadership was mentioned, this wonderful person was looked to for inspiration as well as results; "Someone Else can work with that group."  It was common knowledge that Someone Else was among the most liberal givers in our church. Whenever there was a financial need, everyone just assumed Someone Else would make up the difference.

Someone Else was a wonderful person; sometimes appearing superhuman. Were the truth known, everybody expected too much of Someone Else. Now Someone Else is gone! We wonder what we are going to do. Someone Else left a wonderful example to follow, but who is going to follow it? Who is going to do the things Someone Else did?

When you are asked to help this year, remember -- we can't depend on Someone Else anymore.

- Author Unknown

The Cybersalt Digest is a ministry of Pastor Tim and Cybersalt
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 Issue #3717

Cybersalt News

There is a new entry in the FunBlog today.  If you can find the magnets and afford the copper pipe, you'll have fun doing this.  You will find "Copper Pipe Magnet" at:
www.cybersalt.org/funblog/copper-pipe-magnet

There is also a renewed page on the Cybersalt Site today.  You will find "Alarm Save Sign" at the top of the newly created "Funny Signs" gallery at:
www.cybersalt.org/entertainment/funny-signs

BTW, do you want to know right away when new content is added to the Cybersalt Site.  There are a number of news feeds that will hep you do just that.  You will find them at:
www.cybersalt.org/feed/news/news-feeds

Enjoy the rest of today's mailing!

Here is today's CleanLaugh

Brazilian Jungle

Two intrepid explorers met in the heart of the Brazilian jungle.

"I'm here," declared one, "to commune with nature in the raw, to contemplate the eternal verities and to widen my horizons. And you, sir?"

"I," sighed the second explorer, "came because my young daughter has begun violin lessons."

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If Life Deals You

"If life deals you lemons, make lemonade;if it deals you tomatoes, make Bloody Marys;but if it deals you a truckload of hand grenades ... now THAT'S a message!!"

Here is today's CleanPun

Apple Robbery

"If you watch an Apple store get robbed you are an iWitness?"

Here is today's CleanQuote

Quote #1142

"In times like these, it is helpful to remember that there have always been times like these."
- Paul Harvey

Here is today's Illustration

Cake Lesson

A little boy is telling his Grandma how "everything" is going wrong: School, family problems, health problems, etc. Meanwhile, Grandma is baking a cake.

She asks her grandson if he would like a snack, which of course he does.

"Here, have some cooking oil."

"Yuck" says the boy.

"How about a couple raw eggs? "

"Gross, Grandma!"

"Would you like some flour then? Or maybe baking soda?"

"Grandma, those are all yucky!"

To which Grandma replies: "Yes, all those things seem bad all by themselves. But when they are put together in the right way, they make a wonderfully delicious cake!"

She continued, "God works the same way in our lives."

The Cybersalt Digest is a ministry of Pastor Tim and Cybersalt
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 Issue #3716

Welcome to another "Pastor Tim is travelling" rerun - from before there ever was a Chicken Thursday!"

Cybersalt News

Now that the Cybersalt Digest is running on its new software, each mailing that goes out will now be available in an online archive.  This has been a long requested asset for people who missed or accidentally deleted Digests they wanted to keep. 

My apologies to everyone on the text only version of today's mailing because the link to the archive area is a really long and ugly one.  You will find the Cybersalt Digest archive by clicking here.

There is a new Rev. James Snyder devotional on the Cybersalt Digest today.  You can read "The Secret to a Great Marriage" at:
www.cybersalt.org/blogs/gods-penman

Enjoy the rest of today's digest.

Here is today's CleanLaugh

Ten Rules for Good Housekeeping

Ten Rules for Good Housekeeping

1. It is time to clean out the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside.  

2. Keep it clean enough for healthy, dirty enough for happy.  

3. Never make fried chicken in the nude.  

4. Do not engage in unarmed combat with a dust bunny big enough to choke the vacuum cleaner.  

5. Make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later start all over again.  

6. To hang up more clothes buy bigger door knobs.  

7. Sweep the room with a glance.  

8. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.  

9. Cobwebs artfully draped over lampshades reduce the glare from the bulb, thereby cre ating a romantic atmosphere.  

10. When writing your name in the dust on the table, omit the date.  

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Planet of the Apes

"Planet of the Apes: I can't believe we made a movie that is essentially giving the apes a blueprint on how to take over the Earth."

Here is today's CleanPun

Father's Occupation

"What's your father's occupation?" asked the school secretary on the first day of the new academic year.

"He's a magician, Ma'am" said Little Johnny.

"How interesting. What's his favorite trick?"

"He saws people in half."

"Wow! Now, next question. Any brothers or sisters?"

"One half brother and two half sisters."

Here is today's CleanQuote

Quote #1141

"Any hurt is worth it that puts us on the path of peace, setting us free for the pursuit, in Christ, of eternal life." - Eugene Peterson

Here is today's Illustration

Cheaper Insurance

Recently launched into the "real world" and shocked by the expenses that came with it, my brother was complaining about the high cost of auto insurance.

"If you got married," teased my dad, "the premium would be lower."

My brother smiled and said, "That would be like buying an airline just to get free peanuts."

The Cybersalt Digest is a ministry of Pastor Tim and Cybersalt
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  1. The Cybersalt Digest - Issue #3715 - August 7, 2011
  2. The Cybersalt Digest - Issue #3714 - August 6, 2011
  3. The Cybersalt Digest - Issue #3713 - August 5, 2011
  4. The Cybersalt Digest - Issue #3712 - August 4, 2011

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