Cybersalt Digest Archive


Issue #3740

Here is today's CleanLaugh

Be A
Cybersalt Fan
on
facebook_199x74

Latest Funny Pictures

Want to share this edition of the Cybersalt Digest with your friends?


{forward}Forward via e-mail{/forward}

Here is today's One-liner

Here is today's CleanPun

Here is today's CleanQuote

Here is today's Illustration

The Cybersalt Digest is a ministry of Pastor Tim and Cybersalt

www.cybersalt.org

{modify}To Modify your Subscription Click Here{/modify}


 Issue #3739

Cybersalt News

Sunday greetings everyone on this day when we remember the 10th anniversary of the September 11 attacks.

I've updated the Westside Bible Church Website with recordings of the messages from August 21 and 28.  The message from August 28 is entitled, "When You Haven't Changed."  All of us have things that keep coming up in life that stir the parts of us that are seemingly forever broken.  When this happens it can be quite discouraging and feel like there is no hope of change ever, but it need not be that way. You can listen at:
www.westsidefamily.org/messages/when-we-havent-changed

Enjoy the rest of today's mailing.

Here is today's CleanLaugh

Golf course, may I help you?

Staff: Golf course, may I help you?

Caller: What are your green fees?

Staff: 38 dollars.

Caller: Does that include golf?

-----------------------------

Staff: Golf course, may I help you?

Caller: Yes, I need to get some information from you. First, is this your correct phone number?

-----------------------------

Staff: Golf course, may I help you?

Caller: Yes, we have a tee time for two weeks from Friday. What's the weather going to be like that day?

-----------------------------

Staff: Golf course, may I help you?

Caller: Yes, I had a tee time for this afternoon but I'm running late. Can you still get me out early?

-----------------------------

Staff: Golf course, may I help you?

Caller: Yes, do you have one of those areas where you can buy a bucket of golf balls and hit them for practice?

Staff: You mean a driving range?

Caller: No, that's not it..,,,

-----------------------------

Staff: Golf course, may I help you?

Caller: Yes, I'd like to get a tee time tomorrow between 12 O'clock and noon.

Staff: Between 12 o'clock and noon?

Caller: Yes.

Staff: We'll try to squeeze you in.

-----------------------------

Staff: Golf course, may I help you?

Caller: Do you have any open tee times around 10 o'clock?

Staff: Yes, we have one at 10:15.

Caller: What's the next time after that?

Staff: We have one at 10:22.

Caller: We'll take that one. It will be a bit warmer.

-----------------------------

Staff: Golf course, may I help you?

Caller: How much to play golf today?

Staff: 25 to walk, 38 with a cart.

Caller: 38 dollars?

Staff: No, 38 yen.

-----------------------------

Staff: Golf course, may I help you?

Caller: What do you have for tee times tomorrow?

Staff: What time would you like?

Caller: What times do you have?

Staff: What time of the day?

Caller: Any time.

Staff: Morning or afternoon?

Caller: Whenever.

Staff: We have 16 times open in the morning and 20 open in the afternoon. Would you like me to read the whole list?

Caller: No, I don't think any of those times will work for me.

-----------------------------

Staff: Golf course, may I help you?

Caller: Do you have a dress code?

Staff: Yes, we do. We require soft spikes.

Caller: How about clothes?

Staff: Yes, you have to wear clothes.

-----------------------------

Staff: Golf course, may I help you?

Caller: Yes, do you have a driving range there?

Staff: Yes.

Caller: How much for a bucket of large balls?

Staff: Sorry, we're all out of large balls. But we can give you twice as many small balls for the same price.

-----------------------------

Staff: Golf course, may I help you?

Caller: Can I get a tee time for tomorrow?

Staff: Sure, what time would you like?

Caller: Something between 9 o'clock and 10 o'clock. In the morning, if possible.

-----------------------------

Staff: Golf course, may I help you?

Caller: Do you rent golf clubs there?

Staff: Yes, they're 25 dollars.

Caller: How much to rent a bag?

-----------------------------

Staff: Golf course, may I help you?

Caller: Yes, my husband just called me on his cell phone and told me he's on the 15th hole, How many more holes does he have to play before he gets to the 18th?

-----------------------------

Staff: Golf course, may I help you?

Caller: Yes, do you have a driving range there?

Staff: Yes.

Caller: How much for a large bucket?

Staff: Four dollars.

Caller: Does that include the balls?

-----------------------------

Staff: Golf course, may I help you?

Caller: Do you have a twilight rate?

Staff: Yes, it's 15 dollars after 2 o'clock.

Caller: And what time does that start?

-----------------------------

Staff: Golf course, may I help you?

Caller: Yes, I'd like some info about your golf course.

Staff: OK, what would you like to know?

Caller: I don't know, that's why I called.

-----------------------------

Staff: Golf course, may I help you?

Caller: My kids just came home with pockets full of range balls and said they stole them from your driving range Would you like to buy them back?

Be A
Cybersalt Fan
on
facebook_199x74

Latest Funny Pictures

Want to share this edition of the Cybersalt Digest with your friends?


{forward}Forward via e-mail{/forward}

Here is today's One-liner

One-liner #0712

Buy a parrot and teach him how to say this one thing: "Help! they transformed me into a parrot, help me!!"

Here is today's CleanPun

Cholesterophobia

Cholesterophobia: The fear of frying.

Here is today's CleanQuote

Quote #1164

"It is a miracle that curiosity survives formal education."

Here is today's Illustration

Wise Uncle Rusty

Uncle Rusty is a wise man. A while back he retired and purchased a modest home near a junior high school. He spent the first few weeks of his retirement in peace and quiet, puttering around his workshop.

That is of course until the school year began. On the first day of school three young boys, full of pent up energy from a full day of school, came down his street. As they walked down the street they beat rhythmically on every trash can they passed.

Day after day, it was the same thing. Beating, clanging and pounding out a rhythm on the cans as they walked down the street. Poor Uncle Rusty just couldn't take it any more.

The next afternoon, he walked out to meet the young musicians. As they worked their way down the street, pounding out a tune on the cans, Rusty stopped them and said, "You kids sure are having a lot of fun. I like seeing young people like you, express themselves. In fact, I used to do the same thing when I was your age. Will you do me a favor? I'll give you each a dollar if you'll promise to come around every day and do your thing."

The kids were elated and continued to do a bang up job on the trash cans.

After two weeks, Uncle Rusty greeted the kids again, but this time he had a sad expression on his face. "This recession's really putting a big dent in my income, which I failed to factor in a fortnight ago when I met you" he told them. "From now on, I'll only be able to pay you 50 cents to beat on the cans."

The boys were not pleased, but they did accept his offer and continued their afternoon concert. A month later, Sly Uncle Rusty approached them again as they drummed their way down the street. With words that would ensure he would have peace and quiet from that day forward he said, "Look, my Social Security check just isn't stretching as far with the expenses. So I'm not going to be able to give you more than 25 cents a day. Will that be okay ?"

"What? Just a crummy quarter ?" the boys exclaimed. "If you think we're going to waste our time, beating these cans around for a quarter, you're nuts. No way, mister. We quit!"

The Cybersalt Digest is a ministry of Pastor Tim and Cybersalt

www.cybersalt.org

{modify}To Modify your Subscription Click Here{/modify}


 Issue #3738

Cybersalt News

There have been no Cybersalt Digests the last couple of days due to vacation catch-up work.  You know what I mean - the work you have to scramble to catch up on because you rested from doing it and once you catch up on it you are left feeling like you need a vacation.

Today's featured funny picture page is "Rocket Change."  Even rocket scientists have to retire.
www.cybersalt.org/funny-pictures/rocket-chair

Enjoy the rest of today's mailing.

Here is today's CleanLaugh

Five Kinds of Fruit

In the middle of the table is a round food tray with five kinds of fruits on it. They are:

a. Apple

b. Banana

c. Strawberry

d. Peach

e. Orange

Which fruit will you choose? Please think VERY carefully and don't rush into it. This is great, I was astounded! Your choice reveals a lot about you! Test results: Please SCROLL DOWN

If you have chosen:

a. Apple: That means you are a person who loves to eat apples.

b. Banana: That means you are a person who loves to eat bananas.

c. Strawberry: That means you are a person who loves to eat strawberries.

d. Peach: That means you are a person who loves to eat peaches.

e. Orange: That means you are a person who loves to eat oranges.

I hope you find fulfillment in this new insight about yourself. May it bring you peace and understanding, tranquility and all that other profound stuff.

 

Be A
Cybersalt Fan
on
facebook_199x74

Latest Funny Pictures

Want to share this edition of the Cybersalt Digest with your friends?


{forward}Forward via e-mail{/forward}

Here is today's One-liner

One-liner #0711

"It is better to own a politician than be one."

Here is today's CleanPun

Quintessential

Quintessential: five things are super important.

Here is today's CleanQuote

Quote #1163

"Love wouldn't be so blind if the braille wasn't so great."

Here is today's Illustration

Pao, Senhor?

He couldn't have been over six years old.  Dirty face, barefooted, torn T-shirt, matted hair.  He wasn't too different from the other hundred thousand or so street orphans that roam Rio de Janeiro.

I was walking to get a cup of coffee at a nearby cafe when he came up behind me.  With my thoughts somewhere between the task I had just finished and the class I was about to teach, I scarcely felt the tap, tap, tap on my hand.  I stopped and turned.  Seeing no one, I continued on my way.  I'd only taken a few steps, however, when I felt another insistent tap, tap, tap.  This time I stopped and looked downward.  There he stood.  His eyes were whiter because of his grubby cheeks and coal-black hair.

"Pao, senhor?" (Bread, sir?)

Living in Brazil, one has daily opportunities to buy a candy bar or sandwich for these little outcasts.  It's the least one can do.  I told him to come with me and we entered the sidewalk cafe.  "Coffee for me and something tasty for my little friend."  The boy ran to the pastry counter and made his choice.  Normally, these youngsters take the food and scamper back out into the street without a word.  But this little fellow surprised me.

The cafe consisted of a long bar: one end for pastries and the other for coffee.  As the boy was making his choice, I went to the other end of the bar and began drinking my coffee.  Just as I was getting my derailed train of thought back on track, I saw him again.  He was standing in the cafe entrance, on tiptoe, bread in hand, looking in at the people.  "What's he doing?" I thought.

Then he saw me and scurried in my direction.  He came and stood in front of me about eye-level with my belt buckle. The little Brazilian orphan looked up at the big American missionary, smiled a smile that would have stolen your heart and said, "Obrigado." (Thank you.) Then, nervously scratching the back of his ankle with his big toe, he added, "Muito obrigado." (Thank you very much.)

All of a sudden, I had a crazy craving to buy him the whole restaurant.

But before I could say anything, he turned and scampered out the door.

As I write this, I'm still standing at the coffee bar, my coffee is cold, and I'm late for my class.  But I still feel the sensation that I felt half an hour ago.

And I'm pondering this question: If I am so moved by a street orphan who says thank you for a piece of bread, how much more is God moved when I pause to thank him - really thank him - for saving my soul?

- Max Lucado

The Cybersalt Digest is a ministry of Pastor Tim and Cybersalt

www.cybersalt.org

{modify}To Modify your Subscription Click Here{/modify}


 Issue #3737

Cybersalt News

Wow, September 7th already!  Time really flies when you are trying to recover from vacation.

There is a new funny dog video on the Cybersalt Site today.  You'll find "Misha says, 'I Love You'" at:
www.cybersalt.org/funny-dog-pictures/talking-dog-misha-says-i-love-you

Enjoy the rest of today's mailing.

Here is today's CleanLaugh

Army Arrival

My youngest brother, Tony had just completed Army basic training and was on leave prior to his first tour in Germany. I am an Army National Guard pilot and our other brother, John, is my crew chief.

Since John and I were headed to the Air Base where Tony was to catch his overseas transport, we offered to take him.

When we landed at McGuire Air Force Base, several of Tony's fellow privates came out to greet him. Tony ran ahead, while John and I followed with his gear.

As Tony approached his buddies, he was bewildered by their dumbfounded stares.

Then he realized that his friends weren't seeing his two brothers giving him a lift...

No... they were seeing a new private arrive in his *own* helicopter -- with a captain and sergeant carrying his bags!

 

Be A
Cybersalt Fan
on
facebook_199x74

Latest Funny Pictures

Want to share this edition of the Cybersalt Digest with your friends?


{forward}Forward via e-mail{/forward}

Here is today's One-liner

One-liner #0710

"I have not yet begun to procrastinate."

Here is today's CleanPun

Forest

Forest:  Trees a crowd.

(WordFoolery)

Here is today's CleanQuote

Quote #1162

"There is no benefit of throwing some good at someone when you do not know how that good helps that person. Zeal without knowledge can indeed kill. Hence we need to have knowledge as we put our faith in action. Give wisely."

Here is today's Illustration

First Wedding

Little Mary was at her first wedding and gaped at the entire ceremony.

When it was over, she asked her mother, "Why did the lady change her mind?"

Her mother asked, "What do you mean?"

"Well, she went down the aisle with one man, and came back with another one."

 

The Cybersalt Digest is a ministry of Pastor Tim and Cybersalt

www.cybersalt.org

{modify}To Modify your Subscription Click Here{/modify}


 Issue #3736

Cybersalt News

I like to be helpful whenever I can be - even when it comes to keeping the horses relaxed!
www.cybersalt.org/funny-horse-pictures/horseyawn

Enjoy the rest of today's mailing.

Here is today's CleanLaugh

10 Words That Don't Exist, But Should

10 Words That Don't Exist, But Should

1. AQUADEXTROUS (ak wa deks'trus) adj. Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub tap on and off with your toes.

2. CARPERPETUATION (kar'pur pet u a shun) n. The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string or a piece of lint at least a dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance.

3. DISCONFECT (dis kon fekt') v. To sterilize the piece of confection (lolly) you dropped on the floor by blowing on it, assuming this will somehow 'remove' all the germs.

4. ELBONICS (el bon'iks) n. The actions of two people maneuvering for one armrest in a movie theater.

5. FRUST (frust) n. The small line of debris that refuses to be swept onto the dust pan and keeps backing a person across the room until he finally decides to give up and sweep it under the rug.

6. LACTOMANGULATION (lak' to man gyu lay' shun) n. Manhandling the "open here" spout on a milk container so badly that one has to resort to the 'illegal' side.

7. PEPPIER (peph ee ay') n. The waiter at a fancy restaurant whose sole purpose seems to be walking around asking diners if they want fresh ground pepper.

8. PHONESIA (fo nee' zhuh) n. The affliction of dialing a phone number and forgetting whom you were calling just as they answer.

9. PUPKUS (pup'kus) n. The moist residue left on a window after a dog presses its nose to it.

10. TELECRASTINATION (tel e kras tin ay' shun) n. The act of always letting the phone ring at least twice before you pick it up, even when you're only six inches away.

Be A
Cybersalt Fan
on
facebook_199x74

Latest Funny Pictures

Want to share this edition of the Cybersalt Digest with your friends?


{forward}Forward via e-mail{/forward}

Here is today's One-liner

One-liner #0709

"Wow, Costco has a great deal on the tires for my car. Too bad they sell them in packs of 64 tires."
- @danrutledge1

Here is today's CleanPun

Nylons

"Nylons give women a run for their money."

Here is today's CleanQuote

Quote #1161

"The tendency of religious people is to use spiritual and ethical observance as a lever to gain power over others and over God, appeasing Him through ritual and good works."
- Tim Keller

Here is today's Illustration

The Fools Prayer

"The Fool's Prayer"

The royal feast was done; the King
Sought some new sport to banish care,
And to his jester cried: "Sir Fool,
Kneel now, and make for us a prayer!"

The jester doffed his cap and bells,
And stood the mocking court before;
They could not see the bitter smile
Behind the painted grin he wore.

He bowed his head, and bent his knee
Upon the monarch's silken stool;
His pleading voice arose; "O Lord,
Be merciful to me, a fool!"

"No pity, Lord, could change the heart
From red with wrong to white as wool;
The rod must heal the sin: but, Lord,
Be merciful to me, a fool!

"'Tis not by guilt the onward sweep
Of Truth and right, O Lord, we stay;
'Tis by our follies that so long
We hold earth from heaven away.

"These clumsy feet, still in the mire,
Go crushing blossoms without end;
These hard, well-meaning hands we thrust
Among the heart-strings of a friend.

"The ill-timed truth we might have kept -
Who knows how sharp it pierced and stung?
The word we had not sense to say -
Who knows how grandly it had rung?

"Our faults no tenderness should ask,
The chastening stripes must cleanse them all;
But for our blunders - oh in shame
Before the eyes of heaven we fall.

"Earth bears no balsam for mistakes;
Men crown the knave, and scourge the tool
That did his will; but Thou, O Lord,
Be merciful to me, a fool!"

The room was hushed; in silence rose
The King, and sought his gardens cool,
And walked apart, and murmured low,
"Be merciful to me, a fool!"
- Edward R. Sill

The Cybersalt Digest is a ministry of Pastor Tim and Cybersalt

www.cybersalt.org

{modify}To Modify your Subscription Click Here{/modify}

  1. The Cybersalt Digest - Issue #3735 - September 2, 2011
  2. The Cybersalt Digest - Issue #3734 - September 1, 2011
  3. The Cybersalt Digest - Issue #3733 - August 26, 2011
  4. The Cybersalt Digest - Issue #3732 - August 25, 2011

Page 274 of 315