Cybersalt Digest Archive


Issue #3725

Cybersalt News

Today's featured page on the Cybersalt Site is an example off how sometimes you should just pay for delivery.
www.cybersalt.org/funny-car-pictures/car-overload

Enjoy the rest of today's mailing.

Here is today's CleanLaugh

Seatmate Choice

The plane was only half-full. When an attractive young woman asked if the seat next to mine was free, my male ego soared. Soon we were chatting pleasantly, and she told me it was her first flight.

"Mom said to sit next to someone I thought I could trust," she confessed nervously.

"And you look just like my dad."

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Here is today's One-liner

One-liner #0696

"I've had a wonderful time, but this wasn't it."
- Groucho Marx

Here is today's CleanPun

Invention of Calendar

"Ever since the invention of the calendar man's days have been numbered."

Here is today's CleanQuote

Quote #1150

"I say that trials and tests locate a person. In other words, they determine where you were spiritually. They reveal the true condition of your heart. How you react under pressure is how the real you reacts."
- John Bevere

 

Here is today's Illustration

Environmental Concerns

Students at school were asked to write about the harmful environmental effects of oil on fish.

One 11-year old wrote, "When my mom opened a tin of sardines last night it was full of oil and all the sardines were dead."

The Cybersalt Digest is a ministry of Pastor Tim and Cybersalt

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 Issue #3724

Cybersalt News

Does your dog bite?  That classic clip is the newest entry in the FunBlog.  You'll find it at:
www.cybersalt.org/funblog/does-your-dog-bite

Enjoy the rest of today's mailing.

Here is today's CleanLaugh

Carrier Landings 2

Flying into a Middle East airport, my co-pilot and I reviewed our flight plan for the trip back to the USS Enterprise. We were to pick up a Navy captain, and experience had taught me that even seasoned vets turn white-knuckled during carrier landings.

Once the captain was strapped in, I turned around to welcome him aboard. "Sir," I asked, "will this be your first carrier landing?"

Looking at me with disdain, he opened his inflatable vest to display gold wings above five rows of ribbons. "Son," he said, "I have over 500 carrier landings in jet fighters."

"That's good to hear," my co-pilot said, winking at me, "because this will be our first."

 

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One-liner #0695

I'd like Google Maps a lot more if it were Google Naps.

Here is today's CleanPun

Literature Exam

My son stayed up half the night studying for his English Literature exam.  He would drink coffee almost constantly while attempting to read "The Canterbury Tales."

I awoke at 4 A.M. and found him studying with mug in hand, and asked him, "What have you got there?"  

He answered... "Just my cup and Chaucer."

Here is today's CleanQuote

Quote #1149

"In the depth of winter, I finally learned that there was within me an invincible summer."
- Albert Camus

Here is today's Illustration

Everything I Learned From A Cow

Everything I need to know I learnt from a cow

1. Wake up in a happy mooo-d.

2. Don't cry over spilled milk.

3. When chewing your cud, remember: There's no fat, no calories, no cholesterol, and no taste!

4. The grass is green on the other side of the fence.

5. Turn the udder cheek and mooo-ve on.

6. Seize every opportunity and milk it for all its worth!

7. It's better to be seen and not herd.

8. Honor thy fodder and thy mother and all your udder relatives.

9. Never take any bull from anybody.

10. Always let them know who's the bossy.

11. Stepping on cowpies brings good luck.

12. Black and white is always an appropriate fashion statement.

13. Don't forget to cow-nt your blessings every day.

The Cybersalt Digest is a ministry of Pastor Tim and Cybersalt

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 Issue #3723

Cybersalt News

Rev. James Snyder has a new devotional on the Cybersalt Site.  Today he writes about a gang he has reluctantly been forced to join.  You can read more at:
www.cybersalt.org/gods-penman/on-joining-the-over-the-hill-gang

Today's featured page is "Jesus is Watching Sign" at:
www.cybersalt.org/funny-signs/jesus-is-watching-sign

Enjoy the rest of today's mailing.

Here is today's CleanLaugh

Shott Versus Nott

A duel was fought between Alexander Shott and John Nott. Nott was shot and Shott was not. In this case it is better to be Shott than Nott. Some said that Nott was not shot. But Shott says that he shot Nott.

It may be that the shot Shott shot, shot Nott, or it may be possible that the shot Shott shot, shot Shott himself. We think, however, that the shot Shott shot, shot not Shott, but Nott. Anyway, it is hard to tell which was shot and which was not.

 

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One-liner #0694

"Today, I diversified my portfolio - I buried half in a Folgers can in the front yard and the rest in a Ziplock out back."

 

Here is today's CleanPun

Colons

My ten year old daughter asked me what a colon was and I explained that it was a part of the body that food goes through before being eliminated.

Then she asked me what a semicolon was and I told her that it was a colon the size of a truck with eighteen wheels.

Here is today's CleanQuote

Quote #1148

"Character cannot be developed in ease and quiet. Only through experience of trial and suffering can the soul be strengthened, ambition inspired, and success achieved."
- Helen Keller

 

Here is today's Illustration

Early Rising

Helen and Amanda were discussing their busy schedules.

Helen said, "Amanda, I must ask you something. Every day I feel incredibly run down and tired. And yet, I see you looking as fresh as a rose. I have to know: what's your secret?"

"My secret? Every morning, without fail, I wake up at six o'clock sharp."

"You wake up at six o'clock?"

"Yes, and then I look at the clock, see what time it is, and go back to sleep for another four hours."

 

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 Issue #3722

Cybersalt News

Sunday greetings everyone.

Who am I? • Why do I do this? • How can I figure this out? • Why do I still feel this way? • How can I change?

If these, or similar questions, are things you ask yourself, their is hope.  If you live in the Victoria, BC area (or can come here for a week) I'd like to let you know about a retreat we are having at Westside Bible Church this coming September 11-17. The retreat being held is called "Mirror Images". I've seen it transform the inner lives (and consequently the outer lives) of a number of people at our church.  They have been helped and given the tools to be forever changed

If you've spent years stuck without being able to move forward in your life - even if you don't know why - I encourage you to look into attending this or another Mirror IMage Retreat.  Don't stay stuck for any longer when there is hope to move forward with a freedom in your life you may not have had for a very long time.

Information on the retreat at Westside Bible Church is at:
www.westsidefamily.org/news/mirror-images-retreat

Information on Mirror Image Retreats and other upcoming locations is at:
www.mirrorimagesretreats.org/

Enjoy the rest of today's mailing.

Here is today's CleanLaugh

Season Ticket Swap

Sarah was reading a newspaper, while her husband was engrossed in a magazine. Suddenly, she burst out laughing.

"Listen to this," she said. "There's a classified ad here where a guy is offering to swap his wife for a season ticket to the stadium."

"Hmmm," her husband said, not looking up from his magazine.

Teasing him, Sarah said, "Would you swap me for a season ticket?"

"Absolutely not," he said.

"How sweet," Sarah said. "Tell me why not."

"Season's more than half over," he said.

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One-liner #0693

"I just checked the health/weight chart at the gym and it turns out that I'm four inches too short."

Here is today's CleanPun

Space is a Vacuum

"If space is a vacuum, who changes the bags?"

Here is today's CleanQuote

Quote #1147

"I have come to reckon that nothing is worth seeking after but that which will survive the tomb."
- Spurgeon

 

Here is today's Illustration

Train Good News

A large, two-engined train was making its way across America. While crossing the Western mountains, one of the engines broke down. "No problem, we can make it to Denver and get a replacement engine there," the engineer thought, and carried on at half power. Farther on down the line (if you didn't guess by now), the other engine broke down, and the train came to a standstill in the middle of nowhere.

The engineer needed to inform the passengers about why the train had stopped, and always trying to look on the bright side of things, made the following announcement: "Ladies and Gentlemen, I have some good news and some bad news. The bad news is that both engines have failed, and we will be stuck here for some time until the additional engines arrive. The good news is that you didn't take this trip in a plane!"

The Cybersalt Digest is a ministry of Pastor Tim and Cybersalt

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 Issue #3721

Cybersalt News

Today's featured page demonstrates a method guaranteed to help anyone enjoy any job.
www.cybersalt.org/funny-pictures/i-love-my-job

Enjoy the rest of today's mailing.

Here is today's CleanLaugh

Liturgical Response

In our Anglican church, each service begins with a greeting. The officiating clergyman says, "The Lord be with you." The congregation used to respond by saying, "And with thy spirit."

But, with the modernizing of the liturgy, the minister now says, "The Lord be with you," and everyone responds with, "And also with you."

One Sunday a visiting bishop went to a church where the sound system was known to be old and unreliable.  As he approached the microphone, he tapped it several times and finally said, "There's something wrong with this!"

Without hesitation, the whole congregation answered faithfully, "And also with you."

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One-liner #0692

"Procrastination gives you something to look forward to."

Here is today's CleanPun

Star Cleaning

"Stars clean themselves with meteor showers."

Here is today's CleanQuote

Quote #1146

"A turtle makes progress when it sticks its head out."

Here is today's Illustration

The Ways of Love

My grandmother told me how she ended up marrying Grandpa.

She was in her 20s, and the man she was dating left for war.

"We were in love," she recalled, "and wrote to each other every week. It was during that time that I discovered how wonderful your grandfather was."

"Did you marry Grandpa when he came home from the war?" I asked.

"Oh, I didn't marry the man who wrote the letters. Your grandfather was the mailman."

 

The Cybersalt Digest is a ministry of Pastor Tim and Cybersalt

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  1. The Cybersalt Digest - Issue #3720 - August 12, 2011
  2. The Cybersalt Digest - Issue #3719 - August 11, 2011
  3. The Cybersalt Digest - Issue #3718 - August 10, 2011
  4. The Cybersalt Digest - Issue #3717 - August 9, 2011

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