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Cybersalt News
Sunday greetings, everyone!
Today's video share is a beautiful acapella version of one of my favorite worship songs: Is He Worthy?
Click Here to Watch
Enjoy the rest of today's digest!
~ Pastor Tim
Strange Exam Answers
1. Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies and they all wrote in hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert and travelled by Camelot. The climate of the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.
2. The Bible is full of interesting caricatures. In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis, Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. One of their children, Cain, asked, "Am I my brother's son?"
3. Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread which is bread made without any ingredients. Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. He died before he ever reached Canada.
4. Solomon had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines.
5. The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we wouldn't have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a female moth.
6. Actually, Homer was not written by Homer but by another man of that name.
7. Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock. After his death, his career suffered a dramatic decline.
8. In the Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled the biscuits, and threw the java.
9. Eventually, the Romans conquered the Greeks. History calls people Romans because they never stayed in one place for very long.
10. Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king. Dying, he gasped out: "Tee hee, Brutus."
11. Nero was a cruel tyranny who would torture his subjects by playing the fiddle to them.
12. Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was cannonized by Bernard Shaw. Finally Magna Carta provided that no man should be hanged twice for the same offense.
13. In midevil times most people were alliterate. The greatest writer of the futile ages was Chaucer, who wrote many poems and verses and also wrote literature.
14. Another story was William Tell, who shot an arrow through an apple while standing on his son's head.
15. Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen." As a queen she was a success. When she exposed herself before her troops they all shouted "hurrah."
16. It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented removable type and the Bible. Another important invention was the circulation of blood. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes and started smoking. And Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100 foot clipper.
17. The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. He was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He wrote tragedies, comedies, and hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couplet. Romeo's last wish was to be laid by Juliet.
18. Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained.
19. During the Renaissance America began. Christopher Columbus was a great navigator who discovered America while cursing about the Atlantic. His ships were called the Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa Fe.
20. Later, the Pilgrims crossed the ocean, and this was called Pilgrim's Progress. The winter of 1620 was a hard one for the settlers. Many people died and many babies were born. Captain John Smith was responsible for all this.
21. One of the causes of the Revolutionary War was the English put tacks in their tea. Also, the colonists would send their parcels through the post without stamps. Finally the colonists won the War and no longer had to pay for taxis. Delegates from the original 13 states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin discovered electricity by rubbing two cats backwards and declared, "A horse divided against itself cannot stand." Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.
22. Soon the Constitution of the United States was adopted to secure domestic hostility. Under the constitution the people enjoyed the right to keep bare arms.
23. Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent. Lincoln's mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands. Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves by signing the Emasculation Proclamation. On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. The believed assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposedly insane actor. This ruined Booth's career.
24. Meanwhile in Europe, the enlightenment was a reasonable time. Voltaire invented electricity and also wrote a book called Candy.
25. Gravity was invented by Issac Walton. It is chiefly noticeable in the autumn when the apples are falling off the trees.
26. Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number of children. In between he practiced on an old spinster which he kept up in his attic. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Bach was the most famous composer in the world and so was Handel. Handel was half German half Italian and half English. He was very large.
27. Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this.
28. The French Revolution was accomplished before it happened and catapulted into Napoleon. Napoleon wanted an heir to inherit his power, but since Josephine was a baroness, she couldn't have any children.
29. The sun never set on the British Empire because the British Empire is in the East and the sun sets in the West.
30. Queen Victoria was the longest queen. She sat on a thorn for 63 years. She was a moral woman who practiced virtue. Her death was the final event which ended her reign.
31. Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbis. Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the Organ of the Species. Madman Curie discovered radio. And Karl Marx became one of the Marx brothers.
32. The First World War, caused by the assignation of the Arch-Duck by an anahist, ushered in a new error in the anals of human history.
One-Liner #1812
"I would not paint my house on a Sunday - not because I am in bondage, but because I am lazy."
- Fred Schmidt
"Be a Billionaire!"
and Help
Refugees and
Persecuted Christians
Dying Comeback
Thanks to Walter McLauren for this pun.
Once there was an opossum named Pogo, a philosophy enthusiast, particularly drawn to existentialism. He devoured works by Jean-Paul Sartre, the mind behind "Huis Clos" (No Exit), which later inspired the famous lyrics in "Hotel California" – "You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave."
Pogo, as we'll call him, had a peculiar aspiration: reincarnation. He yearned to shed his opossum form and return as something higher.
So, he dashed across the road, meeting his fate under the wheels of a truck.
However, much to his disbelief (he didn't have faith in Jesus like that old country singer Barry McGuire), when he awoke from his planned end, he remained an opossum. He had hoped for a raccoon, or something more.
Undeterred, he tried again and again, each time encountering a different type of vehicle but unfailingly reverting to his familiar opossum self.
Realizing this cycle was leading him nowhere, he decided to head to Nashville where he joined forces with Willie Nelson and contributed to the creation of Nelson's chart-topping hit, "On the Road Again."
Quote #2247
"What could we accomplish if we knew we could not fail?"
- Eleanor Roosevelt
Family Devotions Review
In our family devotions, we did a study on King Asa, out of 2 Chronicles. Later in the day, we were reviewing what we had learned.
When asking my seven year-old what book in the Bible we find the story of King Asa, he responded, "Second Chronicles of Narnia!"
Featured Illustrations are items well suited for illustrating or inspiring a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
Rev. James Snyder, God's Penman, writes . . . .
The Key To Life Is Forgetting The Right Things
The thing that has concerned me as I have aged was about forgetting things. How could I remember everything when I was crowding my brain with all kinds of new things?
The Cybersalt Digest is a ministry of Pastor Tim and Cybersalt.
So there's this fella with a parrot. And this parrot swears like a sailor.
It's been a strange day ... first I found a hat full of money; then I was chased by an angry man with a guitar.
Teacher asked her kindergarten children to put the colors green, pink and yellow in a sentence.
"No one ever said life was fair. Just eventful."
When my granddaughter, Ann, was 9-years-old, she was given an assignment by her teacher to write a story on "Where my family came from." The purpose was to understand your genealogy.
Tom was very excited about his promotion to Vice President of the company he worked for, and he kept bragging about it to his wife for weeks on end.
My stomach is flat ... but the "L" is silent.
Our local Catholic church has plans start a ministry similar to that used successfully by so many protestant churches.
"The best thing to give to your enemy is forgiveness;
The following words were written on the tomb of an Anglican bishop in the crypts of Westminster Abbey:
Lately, I've been very tired, which has nothing at all to do with my age. Rather, it has everything to do with all these spam calls I get every day.
Nancy's nephew was 4 when she was pregnant with her first kid. She allowed him to place his hand on her belly and feel the baby kick.
How come when I buy one loaf of bread it's gone in two days, but when I buy two all of a sudden no one eats bread anymore?
There's nothing grate about sliced cheese.
"The first principle is that you must not fool yourself and you are the easiest person to fool."
If your lips you'd keep from slips,
During the Super Bowl, there was another football game of note between the big animals and the little animals.
On a scale of one to 10, I'd give you a nine - and I'm the one you need!
There is a new superhero in town - Aluminum Man.
"Between what is said and not meant, and what is meant and not said, most of love is lost."
Some teachers at state universities get to know our students fairly well. One instructor told his communications class of his plans to propose marriage.
Since I have reached a certain age, I cannot reveal that age; my energy seems limited. I don't have the energy I once had. Where it has gone, I have yet to discover.