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Cybersalt Digest Archive

The Cybersalt Digest - Issue #3770 - October 21, 2011


Issue #3770


Cybersalt News

Today's new entry in the FunBlog is an amazing video of really neat painting method. Big or small, you'll enjoy "Tall Painting byHolton Rower" at:
www.cybersalt.org/funblog/tall-painting-by-holton-rower

Enjoy the rest of today's mailing.


Here is today's CleanLaugh

Martha Raye, Stewardess

I once went for a job at an airline. The interviewer asked me why I wanted to be a stewardess, and I told her -- it would be a great chance to meet men.

She looked at me and said, "But you can meet men anywhere."

I said, "Strapped down?"
- Martha Raye

 

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Here is today's One-liner

One-liner #0743

"Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips?"


Here is today's CleanPun

New Restaurant Chain

Did you hear about the new restaurant chain opening nationwide? It is a partnership between Kareem Abdul Jabarr, Ryan Coffee, and Sugar Ray Leonard.

They're going to call it: "Coffee, with Kareem and Sugar."


Here is today's CleanQuote

Quote #1196

"Many are called, but few actually return the message."


Here is today's Illustration

The Lord's Prayer

"THE LORD'S PRAYER"

"Our Father which art in heaven."
--- Yes?

Don't interrupt me. I'm praying
--- But you called me Called you?

I didn't call you. I'm praying. "Our father which art in heaven."
--- There you did it again.

Did what?
--- Called me.

You said, "Our Father which art in heaven." Here I am. What's on your mind?

But I didn't mean anything by it. I was, you know, just saying my prayers for the day. I always say the Lord's prayer. It makes me feel good, kind of like getting a duty done.
--- All right. Go on.

"Hallowed be thy name."
--- Hold it. What do you mean by that?

By what?
--- By "Hallowed be thy name?"

It means... it means... Good grief, I don't know what it means. How should I know? It's just a part of the prayer. By the way, what does it mean?
--- It means honored, holy, wonderful.

Hey that makes sense. I never thought about what "hallowed" meant before.

"Thy kingdom come, thy will be done, on earth as it is in heaven."
--- Do you really mean that?

Sure, why not?
--- What are you doing about it?

Doing? Nothing, I guess. I just think it would be kind of neat if you got control of everything down here like you have up there
--- Have I got control of you?

Well, I go to church.
--- That isn't what I asked you. What about your temper? You've really got a problem there, you know. And then there's the way you spend your money - all on yourself. And what about the kinds of books you read and what you watch on TV?

Stop picking on me! I'm just as good as the rest of those people at church.
---Excuse me. I thought you were praying for my will to be done. If that is to happen, it will have to start with the ones who are praying for it. Like you, for example.

Oh, all right. I guess I do have some hang-ups. Now that you mention it, I could probably name some others.
---So could I.

I haven't thought about it very much until now, but I'd really like to cut out some of those things. I would like to, you know, be really free.
--- Good. Now we're getting somewhere. We'll work together, you and me. Some victories can be truly won. I'm proud of you.

Look, Lord, I need to finish this up here. This is taking a lot longer than it usually does.

"Give us this day our daily bread."
--- You could cut out the bread. It would help you lose weight.

Hey, wait a minute! What is this, "Criticize me day?" Here I was doing my religious duty, and all of a sudden you break in and remind me of all my hang-ups.
--- Praying is a dangerous thing. You could wind up changed, you know. That's what I'm trying to get across to you. Keep praying. I'm interested in the next part of your prayer...

(Pause) Well, go on.

I'm scared to.
--- Scared? Of what?

I know what you'll say.
--- Try me and see.

"Forgive us our sins, as we forgive those who sin against us."
--- What about Ann?

See? I knew it! I knew you would bring her up! Why Lord, she's told lies about me, spread stories about my family. She never paid back the money she owes me. I've sworn to get even with her?
--- But your prayer? What about your prayer?

I didn't mean it.
--- Well, at least you're honest. But it's not much fun caring that load of bitterness around inside, is it?

No. But, I'll feel better as soon as I get even. Boy, have I got some plans for that neighbor. She'll wish she had never moved into this neighborhood.
--- You won't feel any better. You'll feel worse. Revenge isn't sweet. Think of how unhappy you already are. But, I can change all that.

You can? How?
--- Forgive Ann. Then I'll forgive you. Then the hate and sin will be Ann's problem and not yours. You will have settled your heart.

Oh, you're right. You always are. And, more than I want to get revenge against Ann, I want to be right with you. (Pause)...(Sigh) All right.
I forgive her. Help her to find the right road in life, Lord. She's bound to be awfully miserable now that I think about it. Anybody who goes around doing the things she does to others has to be out of it. Some way, some how, show her the right way.
--- There now! Wonderful! How do you feel?

Hmmm. Well, not bad. Not bad at all. I feel pretty great. You know, I don't think I'll have to go to bed uptight tonight for the first time since I can remember. Maybe I won't be so tired from now on because I'm not getting enough rest.
--- You're not through with your prayers. Go on.

Oh, all right. "And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil."
--- Good! Good! I'll do that. Just don't put yourself in a place where you can be tempted.

What do you mean by that?
--- Don't turn on the TV when you know the laundry needs to be done and the house needs to be picked up. Also, about the time you spend with your friends, if you can't influence the conversation to positive things, perhaps you should re-think the value of those friendships. Another thing, your neighbors and friends shouldn't be your standard for "keeping up." And please don't use me as an escape hatch.

I don't understand that last part.
--- Sure you do. You've done it a lot of times. You get caught in a bad situation. You get in trouble and then you come running to me: "Lord, help me out of this mess, and I promise you I'll never do it again." You remember some of those bargains you tried to make with me?

Yes and I'm ashamed. Lord, I really am.
--- Which bargain are you remembering?

Well, there was the night that my husband was gone and the children and I were home alone. The wind was blowing so hard I thought the roof would go any minute and tornado warnings were out.
I remember saying, "Oh God, if you spare us, I'll never skip my devotions again."
--- I protected you, but you didn't keep your promise, did you?

I'm sorry, Lord I really am. Up until now I thought that if I just prayed the Lord's Prayer every day, then I could do what I liked. I didn't expect anything to happen like this.
--- Go ahead and finish your prayer.

"For thine is the kingdom, and the power, and the glory forever. Amen"
--- Do you know what would bring me glory? What would really make me happy?

No, but I'd like to know. I want to please you. I can see what a mess I've made of my life. And I can see how great it would be to really be one of your followers.
--- You just answered the question.

I did?
--- Yes. The thing that would bring me glory is to have people like you truly love me. And I see that happening between us.

Now that some of these old sins are exposed and out of the way, there is no telling what we can do together Lord, let's see what we can make of me, OK?
--- Yes, let's see...

Kinda hits home doesn't it. Don't just say the Lord's prayer - mean it.


The Cybersalt Digest is a ministry of Pastor Tim and Cybersalt

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The Cybersalt Digest - Issue #3769 - October 20, 2011


Issue #3769


Cybersalt News

Oh look, Chicken Thursday.

Don't forget that there are some great games to play on the Cybersalt site at:
www.cybersalt.org/entertainment/games

By far, the most played game is "Bubble Shooter" at:
www.cybersalt.org/games/bubble-shooter

Enjoy the rest of today's mailing.


Here is today's CleanLaugh

An Honest Golfer

About four or five years ago I was standing in a ticket line at LAX, and a fellow in a line parallel to mine had a golf bag slung over his shoulder. Since the line was long and airline ticketing is a slow process at best, we struck up a conversation.

He brightened when I admired his golf bag, and he proudly stated that he was on the PGA Tour. Then he turned to me and asked the question all golfers ask: "Do you play?"

I shook my head, "I used to, but I quit because I wasn't very good. I shot consistently in the lower seventies."

There was a long, low in-take of breath, then "The lower seventies?"

"Yes," I admitted.

"Consistently?" he queried admiringly.

"Every hole," I confessed.

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Here is today's One-liner

One-liner #0742

"They told me I was gullible...and I believed them!"


Here is today's CleanPun

Hauling Opportunity

I wish I had a small truck so I could take advantage of a contract hauling opportunity I saw mentioned the other day.

Seems a water-garden company wants a load of frogs delivered, but they have to be delivered in a special bog-like container that will fit in a pickup truck's bed. They'll pay in food, which is exactly what I like best! For each load delivered, the company will provide one enormous home-baked casserole with a crust of Middle Eastern flat bread. Mmmmmm!

That's right: A pita pie per pickup pack of puddled peepers.

 


Here is today's CleanQuote

Quote #1195

"When I change the way I look at things, the things I look at change."


Here is today's Illustration

Laodicean Hymnal

Leaders of the Laodicean Church in Canada last week announced the publication of a new hymnal. "This is truly a hymnal for the new century," said Presiding Bishop Luke W. Armm.

"This collection of hymns really captures the essence of our tradition," Bishop Armm explained. "At the core of our belief is the motto, 'Moderation in all things,' and that applies to our faith life as well. We just don't like to get carried away." When asked if the new hymnal will help the Laodicean Church attract new members, Bishop Armm replied, "People in today's society get kind of uncomfortable with too much talk about things like commitment and dedication. They'd much rather have a religion that they can turn on or off at will. Our church seeks to meet that need. This hymnal will help with that, I think."

Editor in chief of the new hymnal, Priscilla ("Presh") S. Moment, explained some of the difficulty the committee had in choosing hymns. "Many of the old favourites just won't cut it among Laodiceans," said Moment. "We had to change a lot of the wording to make them fit with our style. We tried to incorporate some new songs into the book, but we had trouble finding Laodiceans interested in writing new music."

The title of the new hymnal, Church Songs, was chosen very carefully, explained Moment. "We didn't want to turn anybody off with threatening words that no one understands any more like 'Worship' or 'Hymn.'" Here
is a partial list of titles included in the new Laodicean hymnal:

A Comfy Swedish Mattress Is Our God
Above Average Is Thy Faithfulness
All Hail the Influence of Jesus' Name!
Amazing Grace, How Interesting the Sound
Be Thou My Hobby
Blest Be the Tie That Doesn't Cramp My Style
Go Tell it on the Speed Bump
He's Quite a Bit to Me
I Lay My Inappropriate Behaviours on Jesus
I Love to Talk about Telling the Story
I Surrender Some
I'm Fairly Certain That My Redeemer Lives
It Is My Secret What God Can Do
Joyful, Joyful, We Kinda Like Thee
Just as I Pretend to Be
Just as I Am, with Lots of Excuses
Lord, Keep Us Loosely Connected to Your Word
My Hope Is Built on Nothing Much
My Faith Looks Around for Thee
O, God, Our Enabler in Ages past
Oh, for a Couple of Tongues to Sing
Oh, How I like Jesus
Onward, Christian Reservists
Pillow of Ages, Fluffed for Me
Praise God from Whom All Affirmations Flow
Self-Esteem to the World! The Lord Is Come
Sit Up, Sit up for Jesus
Spirit of the Living God, Fall Somewhere near Me
Take My Life and Let Me Be
There Is Scattered Cloudiness in My Soul Today
There Shall Be Sprinkles of Blessings
We Are Milling Around in the Light of God
What an Acquaintance We Have in Jesus
When Peace, like a Trickle
When the Saints Go Drifting in
Where He Leads Me, I Will Consider Following


The Cybersalt Digest is a ministry of Pastor Tim and Cybersalt

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The Cybersalt Digest - Issue #3768 - October 19, 2011


Issue #3768


Cybersalt News

The newest addition to the FunBlog is a train video. The people look like sardines, but the location is not Sardinia. You'll find "Efficient Public Transportation" at:
www.cybersalt.org/funblog/efficient-public-transportation

Enjoy the rest of todays mailing.


Here is today's CleanLaugh

Matchmaker

Barbie, a waitress, decided to put her matchmaking skills to the test with our mutual friend Mike. She figured that Sandy, another customer who seemed to have much in common with Mike, would be an ideal date.

One day Mike came into the restaurant when Sandy was also there. Barbie dragged Mike over to Sandy's table and introduced the two. Then she watched, in amazement, as Mike put his arm around the young woman and said in his best mock-seductive voice, "Hellooooh, Sandy."

"You guys know each other?" Barbie asked.

"We sure do," said Mike. "She's my sister."

 

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Here is today's One-liner

One-liner #0741

"Some days I wake up grouchy and other days I let him sleep in."


Here is today's CleanPun

Top Shelf Detergent

"A woman who puts detergent on the top shelf jumps for Joy."


Here is today's CleanQuote

Quote #1194

"My life is based on a true story."


Here is today's Illustration

The Quitter

"The Quitter"

Fate handed the quitter a bump, and he dropped;
The road seemed too rough to go, so he stopped.
He thought of his hurt, and there came to his mind
The easier path he was leaving behind.

Oh, it's all much too hard, said the quitter right then;
I'll stop where I am and not try it again.
He sat by the road and he made up his tale
To tell when men asked why he happened to fail.

A thousand excuses flew up to his tongue,
And these on the thread of his story he strung,
But the truth of the matter he didn't admit;
He never once said, I was frightened and quit.

Whenever the quitter sits down by the road
And drops from the struggle to lighten his load,
He can always recall to his own peace of mind
A string of excuses for falling behind;

But somehow or other he can't think of one
Good reason for battling and going right on.
Oh, when the bump comes and fate hands you a jar,
Don't baby yourself, boy, whoever you are;

Don't pity yourself and talk over your woes;
Don't think up excuses for dodging the blows.
But stick to the battle and see the thing through.
And don't be a quitter, whatever you do.

- Edgar A. Guest


The Cybersalt Digest is a ministry of Pastor Tim and Cybersalt

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The Cybersalt Digest - Issue #3767 - October 18, 2011


Issue #3767


Cybersalt News

There is a new entry in the FunBlog today.  Everyone knows it's hard to quit smoking - just ask the cat in "Cat Can't Quit Smoking" at:
www.cybersalt.org/funblog/cat-cant-quit-smoking

There are also more funny picture pages moved over from the old Cybersalt Site. To see them all, go to "Huge Nuclear Catfish" and then keep clicking the "next" button after each picture.
www.cybersalt.org/funny-pictures/huge-nuclear-catfish

Enjoy the rest of today's mailing.


Here is today's CleanLaugh

Boss and E-Mail

I used to work for a multimillion dollar consulting firm doing desktop support. The gentleman who was in charge of several large government contracts decided he needed to send a letter via e-mail and wanted to know how to do so. Easy enough I suppose, until he happily handed me his letter on a sheet of paper crumpled up into a ball.

"That is the letter I want to send," he said. "Can't you stuff it into the floppy drive and send it"?

I tried to contain my laughter and explained to him how e-mail worked. Of course, after I left, I went outside and cried tears of uncontrollable laughter.

My boss never could get the hang of e-mail. He only used e-mail for one thing:sending weekly messages to his daughter, an English instructor in Saipan. We will call her Mary Smith, but that was not her name. Her address was simple enough, but every week he would call me over to the computer with another problem.

Boss: "It's gone! The e-mail I just spent an hour typing is gone!"

Me: "What happened"?

Boss: "I clicked 'Send,' and it just disappeared!"

Me: "It's in your outbox, because you told the computer to 'Send' it."

Boss: "Oh."

This happened almost every week. Either that or:

Boss: "It won't let me send this message."

Me: "You need to type her exact e-mail address, not just 'Mary Smith' in the To: field."

Boss: "Well, how many Mary Smiths could there be in Saipan"?

or...

Boss: "I send e-mail every week, they ought to know who it goes to by now!"

or...

Boss: "I thought computers were supposed to be smart!"

He would always send his e-mails on Tuesday so they would get to his daughter by Saturday.

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Here is today's One-liner

One-liner #0740

"I am going to KILL the person who told me the new iPhone could be used as a bathroom scale!"
- @jimmykimmel


Here is today's CleanPun

Waffle Sickness

"People with an unhealthy obsession over frozen waffles are eggomaniacs."


Here is today's CleanQuote

Quote #1193

"I think laughter is very imperative. And that's the important part of my life, of making people laugh so they can forget their problems. A good laugh is better than anything."
- Comedian Milton Berle (1908-2002)


Here is today's Illustration

Beyond the Storm

"Beyond The Storm"

It was evening as I climbed aboard the jumbo jet. I was tired.

It had been a hectic, emotionally stormy week. I had endured more than the usual schedule changes, telephone calls, interruptions, childrens activities, and arguments.

I settled into my seat, relieved to see the plane was nearly empty.

Maybe I could get some much needed rest. The giant plane took off and climbed up over the condominium complexes hugging the white stretch of beach bordering the deep blue sea of the Atlantic Ocean.

As we passed over Fort Lauderdale, I looked down at the twinkling lights reflected in the many canals and waterways and realized why our city is referred to as the Venice of America. I never tire of the beauty of South Florida.

I settled down, grateful for the quiet, Suddenly I noticed dark, ominous clouds off the left side of the wing. Soon bolts of lightning began to streak across the dark clouds.

I sat mesmerized by this vicious storm only a few miles away.

It was frightening, yet fascinating. It brought to mind many of the tempests I had experienced in my life. Financial storms, physical storms, emotional storms, relational storms, So many different types of storms with varying degrees of intensity.

Some had been as fearful and terrifying as this large thunderhead, others had been sudden, Some storms had resembled a weather front that moves in and wont go away.

As I sat there contemplating the severity of the weather outside the window, and the storm that had raged within my own life, I suddenly saw beyond the storm.

There, along the horizon, was one of the most magnificent sunsets I had ever been priveleged to witness, Brilliant gold blending with deep crimson fading into multiple shades of yellow, peach, apricot, and rose. What absolute, breathtaking beauty.

I watched with wonder and awe.

From the vantage point of 42,000 feet up, I knew that at any moment this formidable thunderstorm would probably hit our home west of Fort Lauderdale. But I could also see beyond the storm, and knew that in just a short space of time, those who would be hit by the storm, would also experience incredible beauty.

I was suddenly aware of how God must look upon the storms that hit our lives.

Often I have been in the midst of a fearful squall, and like the disciples, cried out, " Lord don't you care? Don't you see that I can't take any more?"

Of course He cares. In 1 Peter He reminds us that he cares for us.

That we are his personal concern. But, from his vantage point, He also sees the glory that is to follow. His message? Don't be discouraged in the midst of life's storms. Be assured that God cares and that his plans for us include a future and a hope.


The Cybersalt Digest is a ministry of Pastor Tim and Cybersalt

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The Cybersalt Digest - Issue #3766 - October 15, 2011


Issue #3766


Cybersalt News

There is a new entry in the FunBlog today. If you are looking for a video that demonstrates how to cut a tree down, this is not the video you are looking for. You'll find "Dumbest Tree Fellers" at:
www.cybersalt.org/funblog/dumbest-tree-fellers

Enjoy the rest of today's mailing.


Here is today's CleanLaugh

Officer Overboard

On a U.S. cruiser the officer of the deck asked the starboard lookout, "What would you do if a sailor was washed overboard?"

"I'd yell 'Man overboard,'" answered the lookout snappily.

"Good," said the officer. "Now what would you do if an officer fell overboard?"

The lookout asked, "Which one, sir?"

 

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Here is today's One-liner

One-liner #0739

"I sure miss the day when someone else pumped your gas for you - it was much cheaper back then."


Here is today's CleanPun

Myna Birds

To enforce the ban against exporting myna birds, the State trained lions to guard its frontiers.

One day two smugglers tried to sneak a mynah bird out of the country while the border lions were sleeping. But the lions woke up and captured the smugglers, who were accused of:

Transporting mynas across state lions."

(Richard Lederer)

 


Here is today's CleanQuote

Quote #1192

"Christianity, if false, is of no importance, and if true, of infinite importance. The only thing it cannot be is moderately important."
- CS Lewis


Here is today's Illustration

Making the Most of Life

"Making the Most of Life"

If I can throw a single ray of light across the darkened pathway of another; if I can aid some soul to clearer sight of life and duty, and thus bless my brother; if I can wipe from any human cheek a tear, I shall not have lived my life in vain while here.

If I can guide some erring one to truth, inspire within his heart a sense of duty; if I can plant within my soul of rosy youth a sense of right, a love of truth and beauty; if I can teach one man that God and heaven are near, I shall not then have lived in vain while here.

If from my mind I banish doubt and fear, and keep my life attuned to love and kindness; if I can scatter light and hope and cheer, and help remove the curse of mental blindness; if I can make more joy, more hope, less pain, I shall not have lived and loved in vain.

If by life's roadside I can plant a tree, beneath whose shade some wearied head may rest, though I may never share its beauty, I shall yet be truly blest - though no one knows my name, nor drops a flower upon my grave, I shall not have lived in vain while here.

- Author Unknown


The Cybersalt Digest is a ministry of Pastor Tim and Cybersalt

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  1. The Cybersalt Digest - Issue #3765 - October 14, 2011
  2. The Cybersalt Digest - Issue #3764 - October 13, 2011
  3. The Cybersalt Digest - Issue #3763 - October 12, 2011
  4. The Cybersalt Digest - Issue #3762 - October 11, 2011

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