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Cybersalt Digest Archive

The Cybersalt Digest - Issue #3755 - October 4, 2011


Issue #3755


Cybersalt News

Well hello there -  remember me?

I want to thank everyone who noticed the lack of Cybersalt Digests last week and e-mailed to ask if I was OK.  I can't really go into the details of what took over my life in the last 7 days, but I can tell you I am OK and that God has been very good during it all.

It's usually on a Sunday that I let all of you know that the Westside Bible Church web site has been updated, but since I missed Sunday's mailing I'll do it today.  If you have ever been hurt by the way church does money, I think my message from this past Sunday is full of good news for you.  You can listen to "Good News Stewardship" at:
www.westsidefamily.org/multimedia-podcast/good-news-stewardship

Today's featured funny page on the Cybersalt Site is "Stork Return" at:
www.cybersalt.org/funny-pictures/stork-return

Enjoy the rest of today's mailing.


Here is today's CleanLaugh

Campaign Funding

Can you believe a candidate dropped out of the race because of a lack of campaign funds?

Anyone who stops spending just because he's out of money doesn't belong in Washington anyway!

 

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Here is today's One-liner

One-liner #0728

Papering Over The Truth: It's especially dangerous to run with scissors when someone nearby is running with rock.


Here is today's CleanPun

Church Challenge

Church Challenge: Sunny today with a slight chance of participation.


Here is today's CleanQuote

Quote #1181

"Faith: Putting all your eggs in God's basket, then counting your blessings before they hatch."


Here is today's Illustration

Hurtling Through Space

It was just a day at Darien Lake, an upstate New York amusement park.

My daughter, her friend, and I were standing in the usual long, snaking line to ride the park's roller coaster, called the Viper. It was our first ride of the day, and we like roller coasters, both wood and steel.

In line with us was a group of teenage African-American girls. They were passing the long wait by joking and laughing and just having a good time. In their care was a little girl, about nine years old, just barely tall enough to reach the magic mark of amusement park adulthood that earns access to the Viper.

When we reached the final point-of-no-return before launching, I noticed that the little girl was an odd number in her group, and therefore, without someone with whom to ride.

I hesitated. After all, I was a stranger and a white man. On the other hand, I was with my own kid and her friend, so, I would probably be considered "safe."

I didn't have a fellow rider, either. The older girls suddenly noticed their predicament and were talking about what to do -- where would the little girl ride? I finally mustered the nerve to speak up.

"She can ride with me, if she wants." They asked her. "OK." They had her get in the chute next to mine.

I let her in the car first and pulled down the safety bar. The coaster started up. Then the little girl turned and looked up at me.

"Would you hold my hand?" Shocked inside, I just replied, "Sure."

She put her little hand inside mine, and we climbed the first hill. When we started down, she squeezed my hand for all she was worth, closed her eyes so tightly that they were barely visible slits, and cried as intensely as she possibly could.

We were hurtling out into time and space and the universe together, just the two of us, this little African-American girl and this white Anglo stranger.

I had been there before, but this was new and frightening for her, and she trusted me for her safety and comfort.

Everytime we reached a level area, her eyes opened and she relaxed her grip -- a little. She never let go completely. But whenever we went into a dip or turn, she bore down, and the tears fell again.

At the end of the ride, I think that she was proud of herself. I told her older friends that they should buy her a special "I survived the Viper" button. They smiled and left for other rides.

As our groups turned to go their separate ways, I thought about the little children who had been hurt by adults over the decades and the centuries. I thought about the responsibility that we adults have toward them. I thought about the tremendous privilege inherent in that responsibility.

And I thought about trust. This little girl had not bothered to see a stereotype, what I might appear to be on the outside. She just knew that she needed someone to trust. In just a few moments she had given me the best lesson I have ever had in trust, both how to trust others and how to respect, value, appreciate, and enjoy the trust given by another person.

Years later, I can still feel that little hand inside mine. Thank you, little girl -- I wish I had asked your name.

As human beings on this planet, we are thrown together into many situations and roller coaster rides. We hurtle through space at thousands of miles an hour.

The single most important aspect of our ride is how we treat those in the car with us.

- By Vance Agee


The Cybersalt Digest is a ministry of Pastor Tim and Cybersalt

www.cybersalt.org

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The Cybersalt Digest - Issue #3753 - September 25, 2011


Issue #3753


Cybersalt News, September 25, 2011

Sunday greetings everyone.

The Westside Bible Church web site has been updated with the service and message recordings from the last three weekends. You will find them at:
www.westsidefamily.org/multimedia-podcast/messages
www.westsidefamily.org/multimedia-podcast/services

Enjoy the rest of today's mailing.


Here is today's CleanLaugh

You Know You Are Over the Hill When

1. You find yourself beginning to like accordion music.

2. You're sitting on a park bench and a Boy Scout comes up and helps you cross your legs.

3. Lawn care has become a big highlight of your life.

4. You tune into the easy listening station...on purpose.

5. You discover that your measurements are now small, medium and large...In that order.

6. You light the candles on your birthday cake and a group of campers form a circle and start singing Kumbaya.

7. You keep repeating yourself.

8. You start video taping daytime game shows.

9. At the airport, they ask to check your bags...and you're not carrying any luggage.

10. You wonder why you waited so long to take up macrame.

11. Your Insurance Company has started sending you their free calendar...a month at a time.

12. At cafeterias, you complain that the gelatin is too tough.

13. Your new easy chair has more options than your car.

14. When you do the "Hokey Pokey" you put your left hip out...and it stays out.

15. One of the throw pillows on your bed is a hot water bottle.

16. Conversations with people your own age often turn into "dueling ailments."

17. You keep repeating yourself.

18. It takes a couple of tries to get over a speed bump.

19. You discover the words, "whippersnapper," "scalawag" and "by-cracky" creeping into your vocabulary.

20. You're on a TV game show and you decide to risk it all and go for the rocker.

21. You begin every other sentence with, "Nowadays..."

22. You run out of breath walking DOWN a flight of stairs.

23. You look both ways before crossing a room.

24. Your social security number only has three digit s.

25. You keep repeating yourself.

26. You come to the conclusion that your worst enemy is gravity.

27. You go to a Garden Party and you're mainly interested in the garden.

28. You find your mouth making promises your body can't keep.

29. The waiter asks how you'd like your steak...and you say "pureed."

30. At parties you attend, "regularity" is considered the topic of choice.

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Here is today's One-liner

One-liner #0726

"Some people have a way with words, others not have way."


Here is today's CleanPun

Ninety-Two Cows

"Only 92 of our 100 cows were in the barn so I couldn't begin the milking. We still lacked eight," Tom uttered.


Here is today's CleanQuote

Quote #1178

"The man who writes the bank's advertising slogan is not the same man who makes the loans."
- George Coote


Here is today's Illustration

Advertising in the 2000's

Ernest Shackleton's recruiting advertisement for his 1912 Imperial Trans-Antarctic Expedition:

"Men wanted for hazardous journey. Small wages, bitter cold, long months of complete darkness, constant danger, safe return doubtful. Honour and recognition in case of success."

If Shackleton were advertising in the 2000's:

"Members wanted for adventure trek. Low cost, cool sights, lots fun nights, thrills galore, insurance available. Get your picture in Outdoor magazine."


The Cybersalt Digest is a ministry of Pastor Tim and Cybersalt

www.cybersalt.org

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The Cybersalt Digest - Issue #3754 - September 25, 2011


Issue #3754



Here is today's CleanLaugh

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Here is today's One-liner


Here is today's CleanPun


Here is today's CleanQuote


Here is today's Illustration


The Cybersalt Digest is a ministry of Pastor Tim and Cybersalt

www.cybersalt.org

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The Cybersalt Digest - Issue #3752 - September 24, 2011


Issue #3752


Cybersalt News

Today's featured funny page on the Cybersalt site is "Cup Your Ears."  Some say you can hear better if you do that.  You be the judge at:
www.cybersalt.org/funny-pictures/cup-your-ears

Enjoy the rest of today's digest.


Here is today's CleanLaugh

Sticking Out

At our daughter's high school graduation, I couldn't help noticing a young man sporting a long bleached blond ponytail sprouting from the top of his otherwise shaved head. A heavy link chain hung around his neck, and one ear displayed several earrings.

I had to smile when I heard him say to his friend, "Man, I feel so out of place. I'm the only guy here not wearing a tie."

 

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Here is today's One-liner

One-liner #0725

"Hard work never killed anybody, but it does keep you off Twitter."


Here is today's CleanPun

Meditation

"Meditation is not what you think."


Here is today's CleanQuote

Quote #1177

"If more people gave up in life there'd be fewer wars."
- Snowbell


Here is today's Illustration

Reasonable Doubt

A defendant was on trial for murder. There was strong evidence indicating guilt, but there was no corpse. In the defense's closing statement the lawyer, knowing that his client would probably be convicted, resorted to a trick.

"Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all," the lawyer said as he looked at his watch.

"Within one minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom." He looked toward the courtroom door. The jurors, somewhat stunned, all looked on eagerly. A minute passed. Nothing happened.

Finally the lawyer said, "Actually, I made up the previous statement. But, you all looked on with anticipation. I therefore put to you that you have a reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed and insist that you return a verdict of not guilty."

The jury, clearly confused,retired to deliberate. A few minutes later, the jury returned and pronounced a verdict of guilty.

"But how?" inquired the lawyer. "You must have had some doubt; I saw all of you stare at the door."

The jury foreman replied, "Oh, we looked, but your client didn't."


The Cybersalt Digest is a ministry of Pastor Tim and Cybersalt

www.cybersalt.org

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The Cybersalt Digest - Issue #3751 - September 23, 2011


Issue #3751


Cybersalt News

Mrs. Cybersalt and I are sharing a monitor (the computer type - not the lizard) at Cybersalt World Headquarters today. What I hoped to be a highly productive and efficient yesterday quickly descended to a slow grind as my main monitor finally packed it in after months of only being able to turn it on if let it warm up first and then manually unplugged and replugged the power cable.  The fact that I had to do this while standing in a tub of water let me know it wouldn't last forever.

Today's feature funny page on the Cybersalt site is "Orangutan in a Pail."  You'll find it at:
www.cybersalt.org/funny-pictures/orangutan-in-a-pail

Enjoy the rest of today's mailing.


Here is today's CleanLaugh

Computer Problem Report Form

COMPUTER PROBLEM REPORT FORM:

1. Describe your problem:

__________________________________________________

__________________________________________________

2. Now, describe the problem accurately:

__________________________________________________

__________________________________________________

3. Speculate wildly about the cause of the problem:

__________________________________________________

___________________________________________________

4. Problem severity:

A. Minor
B. Minor
C. Minor
D. Trivial

5. Nature of the problem:

A. ___Locked Up
B. ___Frozen
C. ___Hung
D. ___Strange Smell

6. Is your computer plugged in? Yes __ No __

7. Is it turned on? Yes __ No __

8. Have you tried to fix it yourself? Yes __ No __

9. Have you made it worse? Yes __

10. Have you had a friend who "knows all about computers " try to fix it for you? Yes__ No__

11. Did they make it even worse? Yes __

12. Have you read the manual? Yes__ No__

13. Are you sure you've read the manual? Maybe __ No__

14. Are you absolutely certain you've read the manual? No__

15. If you read the manual, do you think you understood it? Yes__ No__

16. If 'Yes' then explain why you can't fix the problem yourself:

__________________________________________________

__________________________________________________

17. What were you doing with your computer when the problem occurred?

__________________________________________________

__________________________________________________

18. If you answered 'nothing' then explain why you were logged in:

___________________________________________________

__________________________________________________

19. Are you sure that you aren't imagining the problem? Yes__ No__

20. Does the clock on your VCR blink 12:00? Yes__ What's a VCR__

21. Do you have a copy of 'PCs for Dummies'? Yes__ No__

22. Do you have any independent witnesses to the problem? Yes__ No__

23. Do you have any electronic products that DO work? Yes __ No__

24. Is there anyone else that you could blame this problem on? Yes__ No__

25. Have you given the machine a good whack on the top? Yes__ No__ http://www.smileycentral.com/?partner=ZSzeb001

26. Is the machine on fire? Yes__ Not Yet __

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Here is today's One-liner

One-liner #0724

"I was good at math before they decided to mix the alphabet in it."


Here is today's CleanPun

Snapdragon Part of life

I have entered the snapdragon part of life.

Part of me has snapped and the rest is draggin'.


Here is today's CleanQuote

Quote #1176

"Mercy often wears the face of forgiveness. And though it usually isn't an enemy in uniform that we are challenged to forgive, we have opportunities for mercy everyday. Family members and friends, co-workers and neighbors and even strangers have need for our forgiveness."


Here is today's Illustration

Other's Welfare

Two brothers worked together on the family farm.  One was married and had a large family.  The other was single.  At the day's end, the brothers shared everything equally, produce and profit.

Then one day the single brother said to himself, "It's not right that we should share equally the produce and the profit.  I'm alone and my needs are simple." So each night he took a sack of grain from his bin and crept across the field between their houses, dumping it into his brother's bin.

Meanwhile, the married brother said to himself, "It's not right that we should share the produce and the profit equally.  After all, I'm married and I have my wife and my children to look after me in years to come.  My brother has no one, and no one to take care of his future." So each night he took a sack of grain and dumped it into his single brother's bin.

Both men were puzzled for years because their supply of grain never dwindled.  Then one dark night the two brothers bumped into each other. Slowly it dawned on them what was happening.

They dropped their sacks and embraced one another.


The Cybersalt Digest is a ministry of Pastor Tim and Cybersalt

www.cybersalt.org

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  1. The Cybersalt Digest - Issue #3750 - September 22, 2011
  2. The Cybersalt Digest - Issue #3749 - September 21, 2011
  3. The Cybersalt Digest - Issue #3748 - September 20, 2011
  4. The Cybersalt Digest - Issue #3747 - September 19, 2011

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