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Cybersalt Digest Archive

The Cybersalt Digest - Issue #3750 - September 22, 2011


Issue #3750


Cybersalt News

Oh look, Chicken Thursday - and happy 65th birthday to my Dad!

There is a new entry in the FunBlog today. Some say "pendulums" but I say "pendula." Either way, you can enjoy "Pendulum Wave" at:
www.cybersalt.org/funblog/pendulum-waves

Enjoy the rest of today's mailing.


Here is today's CleanLaugh

Key West Tourists

I was a salesman and always wore a shirt and tie which made me stand out in Key West. Tourists would walk up to me and ask me what to do at night.

I would tell them that people gather at "Mallory Square" to watch the sunset. There are street performers and very interesting sights but most go there just to watch the sunset.

They would reply, "How often is that?"

 

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Here is today's One-liner

One-liner #0723

"If a double dip recession is so bad, why does it sound so delicious?"


Here is today's CleanPun

Low-Fat Diet

"Last year I went on a low-fat diet and now I'm overweight from the waist down."
- Walter McLaren


Here is today's CleanQuote

Quote #1175

"The Word of God has a supernatural edge with which a million-dollar budget can never compete."
- Joseph Stowell


Here is today's Illustration

Every Day

"Every Day"

Every day I need you Lord
But this day especially,
I need some extra strength
To face what ever is to be.

This day more than any day
I need to feel you near,
To fortify my courage
And to overcome my fear.

By myself, I cannot meet
The challenge of the hour,
There are times when humans help,
But we need a higher power

To assist us bear what must be borne,
and so dear Lord, I pray -
Hold on to my trembling hand
And be near me today.
- Author Unknown


The Cybersalt Digest is a ministry of Pastor Tim and Cybersalt

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The Cybersalt Digest - Issue #3749 - September 21, 2011


Issue #3749


Cybersalt News

There is a new entry in the FunBlog today.  You'll find "Flying Car" at:
www.cybersalt.org/funblog/flying-car

Enjoy the rest of today's mailing.


Here is today's CleanLaugh

Really Impressed

As a psychologist, my first job was working in a small clinic. One of my patients was a pleasant woman who needed emotional support because of some recurring health problems.

After six months of treating her, I was really impressed with my work. In one session, my patient was reviewing her career and personal accomplishments over the last 50 years as a way to boost her self-esteem.

Suddenly she paused and looked at me. What she said next brought my ego back in line. "Honey," she asked sweetly, "what was it again that you do for a living?"

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Here is today's One-liner

One-liner #0722

"Call Waiting: Your call is very important to us so please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo."


Here is today's CleanPun

Making Dinner

Making Dinner: Recipe calls for a 1/4 cup of thyme.

That's 15 minutes, right?


Here is today's CleanQuote

Quote #1174

"Google before you tweet is the new think before you speak."


Here is today's Illustration

Simple Prayer

"Simple Prayer"

My son Gilbert was eight years old and had been in Cub Scouts only a short time.  During one of his meetings he was handed a sheet of paper, a block of wood and four tires and told to return home and give all to "dad".

That was not an easy task for Gilbert to do.  Dad was not receptive to doing things with his son.  But Gilbert tried.  Dad read the paper and scoffed at the idea of making a pine wood derby car with his young, eager son.  The block of wood remained untouched as the weeks passed.

Finally, mom stepped in to see if I could figure this all out.  The project began.  Having no carpentry skills, I decided it would be best if I simply read the directions and let Gilbert do the work.  And he did.  I read aloud the measurements, the rules of what we could do and what we couldn't do.

Within days his block of wood was turning into a pinewood derby car.  A little lopsided, but looking great (at least through the eyes of mom).  Gilbert had not seen any of the other kids cars and was feeling pretty proud of his "Blue Lightning", the pride that comes with knowing you did something on your own.

Then the big night came.  With his blue pinewood derby in his hand and pride in his heart we headed to the big race.  Once there my little one's pride turned to humility.  Gilbert's car was obviously the only car made entirely on his own.  All the other cars were a father-son partnership, with cool paint jobs and sleek body styles made for speed.

A few of the boys giggled as they looked at Gilbert's, lopsided, wobbly, unattractive vehicle.  To add to the humility Gilbert was the only boy without a man at his side.  A couple of the boys who were from single parent homes at least had an uncle or grandfather by their side, Gilbert had "mom".

As the race began it was done in elimination fashion.  You kept racing as long as you were the winner.  One by one the cars raced down the finely sanded ramp.  Finally it was between Gilbert and the sleekest, fastest looking car there.

As the last race was about to begin, my wide eyed, shy eight year old ask if they could stop the race for a minute, because he wanted to pray.  The race stopped.

Gilbert hit his knees clutching his funny looking block of wood between his hands.  With a wrinkled brow he set to converse with his Father.  He prayed in earnest for a very long minute and a half.
Then he stood, smile on his face and announced, 'Okay, I am ready."

As the crowd cheered, a boy named Tommy stood with his father as their car sped down the ramp.  Gilbert stood with his Father within his heart and watched his block of wood wobble down the ramp with surprisingly great speed and rushed over the finish line a fraction of a second before Tommy's car.

Gilbert leaped into the air with a loud "Thank you" as the crowd roared in approval.  The Scout Master came up to Gilbert with microphone in hand and asked the obvious question, "So you prayed to win, huh, Gilbert?"

To which my young son answered, "Oh, no sir.  That wouldn't be fair to ask God to help you beat someone else.  I just asked Him to make it so I don't cry when I lose."

Children seem to have a wisdom far beyond us.  Gilbert didn't ask God to win the race, he didn't ask God to fix the out come, Gilbert asked God to give him strength in the outcome.  When Gilbert first saw the other cars he didn't cry out to God, "No fair, they had a fathers help".

No, he went to his Father for strength.  Perhaps we spend too much of our prayer time asking God to rig the race, to make us number one, or too much time asking God to remove us from the struggle, when we should be seeking God's strength to get through the struggle.  I can do everything through Him who gives me strength." Philippians 4:13

Gilbert's simple prayer spoke volumes to those present that night. He never doubted that God would indeed answer his request.  He didn't pray to win, thus hurt someone else, he prayed that God supply the grace to lose with dignity.  Gilbert, by his stopping the race to speak to his Father also showed the crowd that he wasn't there without a "dad", but His Father was most definitely there with him.

Yes, Gilbert walked away a winner that night, with his Father at his side.

By Peggy Porter


The Cybersalt Digest is a ministry of Pastor Tim and Cybersalt

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The Cybersalt Digest - Issue #3748 - September 20, 2011


Issue #0000


Cybersalt News

Today's featured funny page on the Cybersalt site is "Weather Station".  You will find it at:
www.cybersalt.org/funny-signs/weather-station

Enjoy the rest of today's mailing.


Here is today's CleanLaugh

Caddy Advice

Standing on the tee of a relatively long par three, a confident golfer said to his caddy, "Looks like a four-wood and a putt to me."

The caddy argued with him a bit and suggested that he instead play it safe and hit a four-iron then a wedge. The golfer was insulted and proceeded to scream and yell at the caddy on the tee, telling him that he was a better golfer than that, and how dare the caddy underestimate his game.

So, giving in, the caddy handed the gentleman the four-wood he had asked for. He proceeded to top the ball and watched as it rolled about fifteen yards off the front of the tee.

Immediately the caddy handed him his putter and said, "And now for one long putt..."

 

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Here is today's One-liner

One-liner #0721

Sign in a New York restaurant: "Customers who consider our waitresses uncivil ought to see the manager."


Here is today's CleanPun

My Own Invention

"It's my own invention," Tom replied patently.
(Nathan Howe)


Here is today's CleanQuote

Quote #1173

"Inspiration does not teach that the human hand was flawless. It teaches that the hand of God that guided the human hand was flawless."


Here is today's Illustration

Live Your Prayers

"Live Your Prayers"

I knelt to pray when day was done
And prayed, "O Lord, bless everyone,
Lift from each saddened heart the pain
And let the sick be well again."

And then I woke another day
And carelessly went on my way,
The whole day long I did not try
To wipe a tear from any eye.

I did not try to share the load
Of any brother on the road.
I did not even go to see
The sick man just next door to me.

Yet once again when day was done
I prayed, "O Lord, bless everyone."
But as I prayed, into my ear
there came a voice that whispered clear,

"Pause now, my child, before you pray.
Whom have you tried to bless today?
Gods sweetest blessings always go
by hands that serve him here below."

And then I hid my face and cried,
"Forgive me, God, I have not tried,
But let me live another day
and I will live the way I pray."

- Author Unknown

 


The Cybersalt Digest is a ministry of Pastor Tim and Cybersalt

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The Cybersalt Digest - Issue #3747 - September 19, 2011


Issue #3747


Cybersalt News

Today's featured funny page on the Cybersalt site is "Take the Hint".  You'll find it at:
www.cybersalt.org/funny-pictures/take-the-hint

Enjoy the rest of today's mailing.


Here is today's CleanLaugh

Taxing Cinderella

The tax adviser had just read the story of Cinderella to his four-year-old daughter for the first time.

The little girl was fascinated by the story, especially the part where the pumpkin turns into a golden coach.

Suddenly she piped up, "Daddy, when the pumpkin turned into a golden coach, would that be classed as income or a long-term capital gain?"

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Here is today's One-liner

One-liner #0720

"If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?"


Here is today's CleanPun

Last Slice

"I don't like eating the last slice of the loaf" said Tom crustily.
(Simon Champion)


Here is today's CleanQuote

Quote #1172

"Purpose: Find your aim in life before you run out of ammunition."


Here is today's Illustration

Legacy vs. Reality

On thinking ahead, from the novel "Artifact" by Greg Benford, a "hard" sci-fi writer who is also a physicist:

"There was a great mathematician named Hilbert, who telegraphed Berlin saying he had proved the outstanding unsolved problem in mathematics, a thing called Riemann's conjecture.  It has to do with the roots of a well known function.

He sends this telegram to Berlin, where he's going to give a speech.  Everybody gets excited.  So Hilbert shows up and talks, and says nothing about the problem.

Somebody comes up to him after the speech and says, what about Riemann's conjecture, what's the solution?

Hilbert says he hasn't got one.  He was taking his first airplane trip to Berlin, and was pretty nervous, so he sent the telegram in case he got killed."


The Cybersalt Digest is a ministry of Pastor Tim and Cybersalt

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The Cybersalt Digest - Issue #3746 - September 18, 2011


Issue #3746


Cybersalt News

Sunday greetings everyone.

There is a new Rev. James Snyder devotional on the Cybersalt Site today.  James is not sure if he is middle-class or not, but he does have some ideas on how they should be treated.  You can read "Mr. Politician, Leave the Middle-Class Alone" at:
www.cybersalt.org/gods-penman/mr-politician-leave-the-middle-class-alone

Enjoy the rest of today's mailing.

 


Here is today's CleanLaugh

Gators!

While sports fishing off the Florida coast, a tourist capsized his boat. He could swim, but his fear of alligators kept him clinging to the overturned craft.

Spotting an old beachcomber standing on the shore, the tourist shouted, "Are there any gators around here?"

"Naw," the man hollered back, "they ain't been around for years!"

Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming leisurely toward the shore. When he was almost there, he asked the guy, "How'd you get rid of the gators?"

"We didn't do nothin'," the beachcomber said. "The sharks got 'em."

 

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Here is today's One-liner

One-liner #0719

"Forget this dead end town - I'm going to mime school!"


Here is today's CleanPun

Cargo Handler

Working as a cargo handler for a major package delivery company, I came across an express envelope with shipping instructions that puzzled me, particularly the line describing the contents.

I finally realized the parcel contained some kind of manual and was addressed to a church. But at first I thought I was processing one of our company's most momentous pieces of freight.

The description read, "Instructions for the Assembly of God."


Here is today's CleanQuote

Quote #1171

"I find the great thing in this world is not so much where we stand, as in what direction we are moving. To reach the port of heaven, we must sail sometimes with the wind and sometimes against it, but we must sail and not drift, nor lie at anchor."
- Oliver Wendell Holmes


Here is today's Illustration

Aincient Bookplate

Aincient Bookplate

Steale not this book for fear of shame
For here you see ye owner hys name
And when you die ye Lord will saye
Where is that boke you stole away?
Then if you say, you cannot telle,
Ye Lord will saye, then go to helle.

 


The Cybersalt Digest is a ministry of Pastor Tim and Cybersalt

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  1. The Cybersalt Digest - Issue #3745 - September 17, 2011
  2. The Cybersalt Digest - Issue #3744 - September 16, 2011
  3. The Cybersalt Digest - Issue #3743 - September 15, 2011
  4. The Cybersalt Digest - Issue #3742 - September 14, 2011

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