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Cybersalt Digest Archive

The Cybersalt Digest - Issue #3760 - October 9, 2011


Issue #3760


Cybersalt News

Sunday greetings everyone - and Happy Thanksgiving Canada!

Like leftover turkey, past Thanksgiving services are still healthy and nutritional.  Here are a few from the Westside Bible Church Archives:

westsidefamily.org/multimedia-podcast/sunday-service-october-10-2010
westsidefamily.org/multimedia-podcast/sunday-service-october-11-2009
westsidefamily.org/multimedia-podcast/sunday-service-october-12-2008

Enjoy the rest of today's mailing.


Here is today's CleanLaugh

Accounting Secret

There was once an accounting firm where the senior CPA knew everything there was to know about accounting. He could answer any question. He knew all the tax laws. There wasn't a better accountant anywhere.

Every morning when he came to work, he would unlock his desk drawer, open it up and look inside for a moment, and then close and lock it again. This puzzled all of his co-workers, because it was the only eccentricity that this genius exhibited. For years no one dared to breach etiquette and snoop through his desk, but his odd behavior became something of a legend around the office.

One day when the elderly man was home sick, one junior accountant could control himself no longer. Taking a letter opener he carefully pried open the desk lock. Inside he found one sheet of paper, and written in large letters was:

"DEBITS ON THE LEFT...CREDITS ON THE RIGHT"

 

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  • Skateboard Hill

  • Pastor Tim Is In Town

  • Handyman's Psalm

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  • Horsepower Backfire


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Here is today's One-liner

One-liner #0733

"Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?"


Here is today's CleanPun

Burial Costs

"It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial cost and blamed it on the cost of living."


Here is today's CleanQuote

Quote #1186

"Gratitude unlocks the fullness of life. It turns what we have into enough, and more. It turns denial into acceptance, chaos to order, confusion to clarity. It can turn a meal into a feast, a house into a home, a stranger into a friend. Gratitude makes sense of our past, brings peace for today, and creates a vision for tomorrow."
- Melody Beattie


Here is today's Illustration

Change the World

My daughter and I planted four trees in our backyard recently. They were little more than twigs when she brought them home. She was able to hold all four of them in the palm of one hand. Still, with faith in the future I dug the holes in our backyard and with loving care my daughter planted each one of the saplings. When I look out on them now I smile. They are so small and yet so full of life. As they stretch towards the morning sun and slowly grow upward to the sky I can see the hundreds of glorious years that lie ahead of them. Soon they will be filling the air around them with life giving oxygen. Soon they will be blessing the world with their sweet smell and comforting shade. Soon they will be changing the world for the better just by being in it.

What most of us don't realize is that we can change the world for the better just by being in it too.

When we go out of our homes each morning we don't see just how many trees of goodness that we can plant each day. Every single smile that we share plants a little more light in another's heart. Every single act of kindness that we do plants a little more kindness and happiness in this world. Every single moment of joy that we spread puts new seedlings of joy in the souls around us. Every single bit of love that we give plants another sapling of Heaven here on Earth. We may only think of ourselves as tiny twigs, but in our lifetimes we all can do more good than a forest of Redwoods.

Don't be afraid to try and change the world for the better then. Remember that you are a Child of God put here to fill this world with love and joy. With God's love in your heart and with God's joy in your soul you can help to create a never-ending forest of goodness in this world just by planting one sapling at a time.

- Joseph J. Mazzella


The Cybersalt Digest is a ministry of Pastor Tim and Cybersalt

www.cybersalt.org

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The Cybersalt Digest - Issue #3759 - October 8, 2011


Issue #3759


Cybersalt News

The process of transferring funny pictures from the old Cybersalt Site to the new Cybersalt Site is happening at a pace of about 5 per day.  You can find links to the 5 most recently added images in the right hand column of each Digest mailing.

Today, however, there are also two new pages on the Cybersalt Site.

The first one is "Occupy Sesame Street" at:
www.cybersalt.org/funny-pictures/occupy-sesame-street

The second one is"Jonah on Vacation" at:
www.cybersalt.org/funny-pictures/jonah-on-vacation

Enjoy the rest of today's mailing!


Here is today's CleanLaugh

Three Mothers

Three mothers are sitting on a park bench talking about (what else?) how much their sons love them.

Sadie says "You know the Chagall painting hanging in my living room? My son, Arnold, bought that for me for my 75th birthday. What a good boy he is and how much he loves his mother."

Minnie says,"You call that love? You know the Eldorado Cadillac I got for Mother's Day? That's from my son Bernie. What a doll."

Shirley says "That's nothing. You know my son Stanley? He's in analysis with a psychoanalyst on Park Ave. Five session a week. And what does he talk about? Me."

 

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  • Gap in Teeth Toothbrush

  • Snow Proof

  • Church Sign Threat

  • Motorcycle Shoe Art Car

  • Global Warming Pollution Lake


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Here is today's One-liner

One-liner #0732

"The tooth fairy teaches children that they can sell body parts for money."
- David Richerby


Here is today's CleanPun

The Worm Catcher

Robbie Robin was a worm-catcher extraordinaire. He arose earlier than all the other birds and took great pride in his worm-acquiring abilities.

Often he'd encounter worms who were trying desperately to verbally -- uh -- worm their way out of their impending doom. "Last of my family" and "the-wife-and-kids" excuses abounded.

No dice. They simply became Robbie's breakfast. Some would try to physically resist Robbie, but his tough beak won every time. He remained the King of Worm Catchers.

That is, until just recently. Robbie sneaked up on a worm early one morning and just as he prepared to pounce, the little worm turned around and solidly punched him right in the beak!

Robbie blinked hard and rubbed his sore nose.

The worm then began to verbally abuse Robbie, cussing him up one side and down the other with a vocabulary that would make most sailors blush. He escalated his attack, insulting Robbie's ancestors all the way back beyond the Ark to the first pair of robins ever created in The Beginning.

Robbie was so stunned by this display of wormy chutzpah that he just shook his head, and staggered away in shock, this being the first morning he had ever failed to get his worm.

The worm watched Robbie's retreat and muttered to himself with obvious satisfaction, "The surly worm gets the bird!"
(By Chris Cole)


Here is today's CleanQuote

Quote #1185

"You can never make the same mistake twice because the second time you make it's not a mistake, it's a choice."


Here is today's Illustration

Looking Back at Romance

"I never would have married you if I knew how stupid you were!" shouted the woman to her husband!

The husband replied, "You should've known how stupid I was the minute I asked you to marry me!"

 


The Cybersalt Digest is a ministry of Pastor Tim and Cybersalt

www.cybersalt.org

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The Cybersalt Digest - Issue #3758 - October 7, 2011


Issue #3758


Cybersalt News

Today's featured funny page on the Cybersalt site is "Shovel Eggs" at:
www.cybersalt.org/funny-pictures/shovel-eggs

Enjoy the rest of today's mailing.


Here is today's CleanLaugh

New Neighbor

My quiet Saturday morning ended abruptly when my 12-year-old son, Billy, and one of his friends burst through the door.

"Hey Dad, announced Billy, "have you met the new neighbors?"

"No."

"Come on Dad, you have to meet them."

"Some other time; I'm busy."

"Dad, you have to meet them now."

From the urgency in Billy's voice, I assumed the neighbors were waiting outside. I set aside my project and went to the front of the house. No one was there.

"Where are they?" I asked.

"Well, Dad," he explained, "we haven't met them yet either, but our baseball is in their living room!"

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Here is today's One-liner

One-liner #0731

"It must be unbearably distracting to talk to young people if your name is Like."


Here is today's CleanPun

Happy Birthday Bill

A lawyer sent an overdue bill to a client. A note was attached that stated: "This bill is one year old."

By return mail the lawyer had his bill back. To it was attached a card which read: "Happy Birthday."

 


Here is today's CleanQuote

Quote #1184

"An adolescent is someone who acts like a baby when they aren't treated like an adult."


Here is today's Illustration

Slanderous Statements

A woman was being questioned in a court trial involving slander.

"Please repeat the slanderous statements you heard, exactly as you heard them," instructed the lawyer.

The witness hesitated.

"But they are unfit for any respectable person to hear," she protested.

"Then," said the attorney, "just whisper them to the judge."

 


The Cybersalt Digest is a ministry of Pastor Tim and Cybersalt

www.cybersalt.org

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The Cybersalt Digest - Issue #3757 - October 6, 2011


Issue #3757


Cybersalt News

Oh look, Chicken Thursday!

Today's feature funny page is "Mouse on Mars" at:
www.cybersalt.org/funny-pictures/mouse-on-mars

Enjoy the rest of today's mailing.


Here is today's CleanLaugh

Firehouse Training Session

At a training session in the fire station, the team was assembled around the kitchen table.

The training officer was discussing the behavior of fire: "You pull up to a house and notice puffs of smoke coming from the eaves, blackened out windows and little or no visible flame. What does this tell you?" he asked.

Expecting to hear that the house is in a possible back draft situation, a condition very dangerous to fire fighters, he instead heard from one quick wit,

"You got the right place."

 

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  • Stupid Sign Change

  • Elephant Traffic Jam

  • Piano Computer Keyboard

  • Mouse on Mars

  • Helicopter Ford Pickup Truck


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Here is today's One-liner

One-liner #0730

The idea of becoming a totally paperless office looks good on paper.


Here is today's CleanPun

Woke Up This Morning

"I woke up this morning feeling funny so I called in shtick."


Here is today's CleanQuote

Quote #1183

"If we are going to accomplish the global purpose of God, it will not be primarily through giving our money, as important as that is. It will happen primarily through giving ourselves. This is what the gospel represents, and it's what the gospel requires."
- Radical (David Platt)


Here is today's Illustration

Coffee Spill

The chef of the upscale restaurant I manage collided with a waiter one day and spilled coffee all over our computer. The liquid poured into the processing unit and resulted in some dramatic crackling and popping sounds.

After sopping up the mess, we gathered around the terminal as the computer was turned back on again.

"Please let it work," pleaded the guilt-ridden waiter.

A waitress replied, "Should be faster than ever. That was a double espresso."


The Cybersalt Digest is a ministry of Pastor Tim and Cybersalt

www.cybersalt.org

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The Cybersalt Digest - Issue #3756 - October 5, 2011


Issue #3756


Cybersalt News

Today's featured funny page on the Cybersalt Site is "Duck Taped" at:
www.cybersalt.org/funny-pictures/duck-taped

Enjoy the rest of today's mailing.


Here is today's CleanLaugh

Realistic Fishing Proverb

Give a man a fish and he will eat all day.

Teach a man to fish and he will go out and buy expensive fishing equipment, stupid-looking clothes, a sports utility vehicle, travel 1000 miles to the "hottest" fishing spot and stand waist-deep in cold water so he can try to outsmart a fish.

Average cost per fish: $395.68

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  • Decorated Electric Chair

  • Beware of Sign

  • Duck Taped

  • CD Burner

  • Car Cow


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Here is today's One-liner

One-liner #0729

Binary Barb: What part of 01001110 01101111 don't you understand?


Here is today's CleanPun

Dampen The Mood

Dampen the Mood: It takes a few scant decades to go from "whatever" to "Depends."


Here is today's CleanQuote

Quote #1182

"If you want to be a leader with a large following, just obey the speed limit on a winding, two-lane road."


Here is today's Illustration

Doctor's Bill

A friend went to see Doctor Wilson the other day, and the he was not very sympathetic with her aches and pains.

"You'll just have to learn to live it," he said.

When she got her bill for $90, she sent it back, with the notation, "You'll just have to learn to live without it!"


The Cybersalt Digest is a ministry of Pastor Tim and Cybersalt

www.cybersalt.org

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  1. The Cybersalt Digest - Issue #3755 - October 4, 2011
  2. The Cybersalt Digest - Issue #3753 - September 25, 2011
  3. The Cybersalt Digest - Issue #3754 - September 25, 2011
  4. The Cybersalt Digest - Issue #3752 - September 24, 2011

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