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Cybersalt Digest Archive

The Cybersalt Digest - Issue #3745 - September 17, 2011


Issue #3745


Cybersalt News

Today's featured funny page shows the reason some men are balding.  You'll find "Lawn Mower Tattoo" at:
www.cybersalt.org/funny-pictures/lawn-mower-tattoo

Enjoy the rest of today's mailing.


Here is today's CleanLaugh

First Case Tried

An investment counselor decided to go out on her own. She was shrewd and diligent, so business kept coming in, and pretty soon she realized that she needed an in-house counsel. She began to interview young lawyers.

"As I'm sure you can understand," she started off with one of the first applicants, "in a business like this, our personal integrity must be beyond question." She leaned forward. "Mr. Peterson, are you an honest lawyer?"

"Honest?" replied the job prospect. "Let me tell you something about honest. Why, I'm so honest that my father lent me $15,000 for my education, and I paid back every penny the minute I tried my very first case."

"Impressive. And what sort of case was that?"

The lawyer squirmed in his seat and admitted, "He sued me for the money."

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Here is today's One-liner

One-liner #0718

"Your wife wants to be treated like a queen - just not Marie Antoinette."


Here is today's CleanPun

Attractive Girl

A young woman, extraordinarily attractive in personality, character and presentation, was suffering from a illness that made her lips cracked and sore. The slightest movement of her mouth caused pain and embarrassment. Her condition, though not cured, was somewhat relieved by the application of a prescription medication from her physician.

The instructions on the prescription were to apply the medication once a day, but the young woman found that more frequent applications were palatable and effective. After exhausting her supply, she returned to the doctor's office for another one. The receptionist announced to the returning patient to the doctor:

"It's the super gal with the fragile lips expecting extra doses."


Here is today's CleanQuote

Quote #1170

"The relativism which is not willing to speak about truth but only about 'what is true for me' is an evasion of the serious business of living. It is the mark of a tragic loss of nerve in our contemporary culture. It is a preliminary symptom of death."
- Leslie Newbigin


Here is today's Illustration

Piracy Payback

An unfailingly polite lady called to ask for help with a Windows installation that had gone terribly wrong.

Customer: "I brought my Windows disks from work to install them on my home computer."

Training stresses that we are "not the Software Police," so I let the little act of piracy slide.

Tech Support: "Umm-hmm. What happened?"

Customer: "As I put each disk in it turns out they weren't initialized."

Tech Support: "Do you remember the message exactly, ma'am?"

Customer: (proudly) "I wrote it down. 'This is not a Macintosh disk. Would you like to initialize it?'"

Tech Support: "Er, what happened next?"

Customer: "After they were initialized, all the disks appeared to be blank. And now I brought them back to work, and I can't read them in the A: drive; the PC wants to format them. And this is our only set of Windows disks for the whole office. Did I do something wrong?"

 


The Cybersalt Digest is a ministry of Pastor Tim and Cybersalt

www.cybersalt.org

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The Cybersalt Digest - Issue #3744 - September 16, 2011


Issue #3744


Cybersalt News

There is a new entry in the Simply Susan blog today.  It's one of those stories – strange, yet true. You can read "Bang!" at:
www.cybersalt.org/simply-susan/bang

Today's featured funny page on the Cybersalt site is "Old vs Young Employees" at:
www.cybersalt.org/funny-pictures/old-vs-young-employees

Enjoy the rest of today's mailing.


Here is today's CleanLaugh

Community Newspaper

Gilbert, South Carolina is such a small community, I was surprised that they had a community paper. I asked one old-timer about it.

He replied, "We all know what everybody else is doing, but we like to read the paper anyway to see who's been caught at it."

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Here is today's One-liner

One-liner #0717

"The closest to perfection anyone ever comes is when he or she fills out a job application form."


Here is today's CleanPun

Vegetable Soup

Checking the menu, a restaurant customer ordered a bowl of vegetable soup. After a couple of spoonfuls, he saw a circle of wetness right under the bowl on the tablecloth.

He called the waitress over and said, "The tablecloth is all wet. The bowl must be cracked."

The waitress said, "You ordered vegetable soup, didn't you?"

"Yes."

"Maybe it has a leek in it!"

 


Here is today's CleanQuote

Quote #1169

"Christianity, if false, is of no importance, and if true, of infinite importance. The only thing it cannot be is moderately important.
- CS Lewis


Here is today's Illustration

Friendly Fish Competition

A fisherman returned to shore with a giant Marlin that was larger & heavier than he was.

On the way to the cleaning shed he ran into a buddy who had maybe a dozen or so Rockfish.

The buddy eyed the Marlin & said, "Only caught the one, huh ?"

 


The Cybersalt Digest is a ministry of Pastor Tim and Cybersalt

www.cybersalt.org

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The Cybersalt Digest - Issue #3743 - September 15, 2011


Issue #3743


Cybersalt News

Oh look, Chicken Thursday!

If you want to have a laugh, buy your grandparents a web cam.  You'll see what I mean if you watch "Webcam 101 For Seniors" at:
www.cybersalt.org/funblog/webcam-101-for-seniors

Enjoy the rest of tday's mailing.


Here is today's CleanLaugh

Frazzled Doctor

As soon as I stepped into the urgent-care facility in my hometown, I could see the place was packed with patients. The nurses and doctors all seemed frazzled.

I discovered just how frazzled when a doctor walked into the room, pulled out his examination light, pointed it in my ear, and instructed me, "Say, 'Ah.'"

 

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Here is today's One-liner

One-liner #0716

"Prepositions are not things to end sentences with."


Here is today's CleanPun

Impossible Argument

A married couple were having a disagreement while sitting in bed.

The wife said to her husband, "You're impossible," to which the husband replied, "No. I'm next to impossible."


Here is today's CleanQuote

Quote #1168

"I will love the light for it shows me the way. Yet I will endure the darkness for it shows me the stars."
- Og Mandino


Here is today's Illustration

The Rich Family In Church

The Rich Family In Church
By Eddie Ogan

I'll never forget Easter 1946. I was 14, my little sister Ocy was 12,and my older sister Darlene 16. We lived at home with our mother, and the four of us knew what it was to do without many things. My dad had died five years before, leaving Mom with seven school kids to raise and no money.

By 1946 my older sisters were married and my brothers had left home. A month before Easter the pastor of our church announced that a special Easter offering would be taken to help a poor family. He asked everyone to save and give sacrificially.

When we got home, we talked about what we could do. We decided to buy 50 pounds of potatoes and live on them for a month. This would allow us to save $20 of our grocery money for the offering. When we thought that if we kept our electric lights turned out as much as possible and didn't listen to the radio, we'd save money on that month's electric bill. Darlene got as many house and yard cleaning jobs as possible, and both of us babysat for everyone we could. For 15 cents we could buy enough cotton loops to make three pot holders to sell for $1.

We made $20 on pot holders. That month was one of the best of our lives.

Every day we counted the money to see how much we had saved. At night we'd sit in the dark and talk about how the poor family was going to enjoy having the money the church would give them. We had about 80 people in church, so figured that whatever amount of money we had to give, the offering would surely be 20 times that much. After all, every Sunday the pastor had reminded everyone to
save for the sacrificial offering.

The day before Easter, Ocy and I walked to the grocery store and got the manager to give us three crisp $20 bills and one $10 bill for all our change.

We ran all the way home to show Mom and Darlene. We had never had so much money before.

That night we were so excited we could hardly sleep. We didn't care that we wouldn't have new clothes for Easter; we had $70 for the sacrificial offering.

We could hardly wait to get to church! On Sunday morning, rain was pouring. We didn't own an umbrella, and the church was over a mile from our home, but it didn't seem to matter how wet we got. Darlene had cardboard in her shoes to fill the holes. The cardboard came apart, and her feet got wet.

But we sat in church proudly. I heard some teenagers talking about the Smith girls having on their old dresses. I looked at them in their new clothes, and I felt rich.

When the sacrificial offering was taken, we were sitting on the second row from the front. Mom put in the $10 bill, and each of us kids put in a $20.

As we walked home after church, we sang all the way. At lunch Mom had a surprise for us. She had bought a dozen eggs, and we had boiled Easter eggs with our fried potatoes! Late that afternoon the minister drove up in his car. Mom went to the door, talked with him for a moment, and then came back with an envelope in her hand. We asked what it was, but she didn't say a word. She opened the envelope and out fell a bunch of money. There were three crisp $20 bills, one $10 and seventeen $1 bills.

Mom put the money back in the envelope. We didn't talk, just sat and stared at the floor. We had gone from feeling like millionaires to feeling like poor white trash. We kids had such a happy life that we felt sorry for anyone who didn't have our Mom and Dad for parents and a house full of brothers and sisters and other kids visiting constantly. We thought it was fun to share silverware and see whether we got the spoon or the fork that night.

We had two knifes that we passed around to whoever needed them. I knew we didn't have a lot of things that other people had, but I'd never thought we were poor.

That Easter day I found out we were. The minister had brought us the money for the poor family, so we must be poor. I didn't like being poor. I looked at my dress and worn-out shoes and felt so ashamed--I didn't even want to go back to church. Everyone there probably already knew we were poor!

I thought about school. I was in the ninth grade and at the top of my class of over 100 students. I wondered if the kids at school knew that we were poor. I decided that I could quit school since I had finished the eighth grade. That was all the law required at that time. We sat in silence for a long time. Then it got dark, and we went to bed. All that week, we girls went to school and came home, and no one talked much. Finally on Saturday, Mom asked us what we wanted to do with the money. What did poor people do with money? We didn't know. We'd never known we were poor. We didn't want to go to church on Sunday, but Mom said we had to. Although it was a sunny day, we didn't talk on the way.

Mom started to sing, but no one joined in and she only sang one verse. At church we had a missionary speaker. He talked about how churches in Africa made buildings out of sun dried bricks, but they needed money to buy roofs. He said $100 would put a roof on a church. The minister said, "Can't we all sacrifice to help these poor people?" We looked at each other and smiled for the first time in a week.

Mom reached into her purse and pulled out the envelope. She passed it to Darlene. Darlene gave it to me, and I handed it to Ocy. Ocy put it in the offering.

When the offering was counted, the minister announced that it was a little over $100. The missionary was excited. He hadn't expected such a large offering from our small church. He said, "You must have some rich people in this church."

Suddenly it struck us! We had given $87 of that "little over $100."

We were the rich family in the church! Hadn't the missionary said so? From that day on I've never been poor again. I've always remembered how rich I am because I have Jesus!


The Cybersalt Digest is a ministry of Pastor Tim and Cybersalt

www.cybersalt.org

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The Cybersalt Digest - Issue #3742 - September 14, 2011


Issue #3742


Cybersalt News, September 14, 2011

Every now and then I get an e-mail that someone intended to send to someone else.  Today someone e-mailed me and said they'd like to order a bunch of sneeze guards from me.  They are out of luck because my hands and forearms (I really only have two) are attached.

Today's featured funny page on the Cybersalt site is a good clue you should find a new restaurant.  You'll find "Cigarette Cockroach" at:
www.cybersalt.org/funny-signs/cigarette-cockroach

Enjoy the rest of today's mailing.


Here is today's CleanLaugh

Test Results Good News

Joey walked into his dad's study while his dad was working on the computer.

"Dad," said Joey, "Remember when you told me you'd give me twenty dollars if I passed my math test?" Dad nodded.

"Well," said Joey, "The good news is that I just saved you twenty bucks."

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Here is today's One-liner

One-liner #0715

"I sure miss the day when someone else pumped your gas for you - it was much cheaper back then."


Here is today's CleanPun

Coffee Like Mud

I was making rounds one morning with a physician when we were interrupted by a co-worker who inquired about a patient's diet.

"Mrs. Jones does nothing but complain about her food," my co-worker said. "She says the coffee tastes like mud."

"Well, it should," the doctor quipped. "It was fresh ground this morning."


Here is today's CleanQuote

Quote #1167

‎'Trying to make the Gospel relevant is like trying to make water wet.'
@Matt Chandler


Here is today's Illustration

Loved Too Much

A little boy was roughhousing with his dog.

His mother said to him, "Now, Bobby, I know you love Buster, but you're loving him too much. How would you feel if someone huge picked you up and squeezed you so hard you couldn't breathe?"

The boy thought a moment and then said, "I guess I'd feel like it was my birthday and Aunt Thelma was here!"

 


The Cybersalt Digest is a ministry of Pastor Tim and Cybersalt

www.cybersalt.org

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The Cybersalt Digest - Issue #3741 - September 13, 2011


Issue #3741


Cybersalt News, September 13, 2011

Today's featured page on the Cybersalt site may help you get more rest at work.  You can view "Head Face" at:
www.cybersalt.org/funny-pictures/head-face

Enjoy the rest of today's mailing.


Here is today's CleanLaugh

Omitted Stories

Reverend Smith, a respected church leader, arrived in a large city to deliver a series of speeches.

At a banquet the first evening, he noticed some reporters in the audience. Because he wanted to use some of the stories he told that night in his speeches the next day, he asked the reporters to omit them from their articles.

One article that came out the next day, written by a cub reporter, concluded with this line: "Reverend Smith also told a number of stories that cannot be printed."

 

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Here is today's One-liner

One-liner #0714

"I have a million dollar figure -- but it's all loose change!"


Here is today's CleanPun

Boiling Mad

"Doctor, Doctor! My husband makes me boiling mad!"

"Now, just simmer down."


Here is today's CleanQuote

Quote #1166

"Nuclear physics is much easier than tax law. It's rational and always works the same way."
 - Jerold Rochwald


Here is today's Illustration

Serving Money

An elderly man took his little grandson for a walk around the local cemetery. Pausing before one gravestone he said, "There lies a very honest man. He died owing me 50 dollars, but he struggled to the end to pay off his debts, and if anyone has gone to heaven, he has."

They walked on a bit further and then came to another grave. The old man pointed to the gravestone and said, "Now there's a different type of man altogether. He owed me 60 dollars and he died without ever trying to pay me back. If anyone has gone to hell, he has."

The little boy thought for a while and then said, "You know, Grandpa, you are very lucky."

"Why?" asked the old man in surprise.

"Well, whichever place you go to, you'll have some money to draw on."

 


The Cybersalt Digest is a ministry of Pastor Tim and Cybersalt

www.cybersalt.org

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  1. The Cybersalt Digest - Issue #3740 - September 11, 2011
  2. The Cybersalt Digest - Issue #3739 - September 11, 2011
  3. The Cybersalt Digest - Issue #3738 - September 10, 2011
  4. The Cybersalt Digest - Issue #3737 - September 7, 2011

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