Cybersalt News
Oh look, Chicken Thursday!
I just noticed that today's one liner is number 1500! Back in grade school I hated having to do lines, but apparently over that.
In other news, it was a windy day at Cybersalt World Headquarters yesterday. We're located atop a large hill and when the wind hits it just right, we get to witness some pretty interesting behaviour by some of our local birds. It was fun to see a couple of all black birds having a great time playing as they soared along the edge and then tucked one wing in to do barrel rolls, apparently just for the joy of it.
It's fun to watch but it does also make me feel bad for those times in the past when I've had to eat crow.
Enjoy the rest of today's mailing!
~ Pastor Tim
Today's CleanLaugh
Dear Milkman…
A long time ago, when milk was delivered to the door by a milkman, people would sometimes leave notes. The following are some of those notes received by milkmen and preserved for our entertainment today.
"Dear Milkman, I've just had a baby, please leave another one."
"Please leave an extra pint of paralyzed milk."
"Please don't leave any more milk. All they do is drink it"
"Milkman please close the gate behind you because the birds keep pecking the tops off the milk."
"Sorry not to have paid your bill before, but my wife had a baby and I've been carrying it around in my pocket for weeks."
"Sorry about yesterday's note. I didn't mean one egg and a dozen pints, but the other way round."
"When you leave my milk knock on my bedroom window and wake me because I want you to give me a hand to turn the mattress."
My daughter says she wants a milkshake. Do you do it before you deliver or do I have to shake the bottle."
"Please send me a form for cheap milk, for I have a baby two months old and did not know about it until a neighbor told me."
"Milk is needed for the baby. Father is unable to supply it."
"From now on please leave two pints every other day and one pint on the days in between, except Wednesdays and Saturdays when I don't want any milk."
My back door is open. Please put milk in fridge, get money out of cup in drawer and leave change on kitchen table, because we want to play bingo tonight."
"Please leave no milk today. When I say today, I mean tomorrow, for I wrote this note yesterday or is it today?"
"When you come with the milk please put the coal on the boiler, let dog out and put newspaper inside the screen door. PS. Don't leave any milk."
"No milk. Please do not leave milk at No. 14 either as he is dead until further notice."
Today's One Liner
One-Liner #1500
Whoever decided a Liquor Store is more essential than a Hair Salon is obviously a bald-headed alcoholic.
Today's Clean Pun
Life's Bubble
"I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good for a while, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality."
~Mitch Hedberg
Today's Quote
Quote #1938
"Pain demands to be felt, or it will demand you feel nothing at all."
- Natasha Robinson
Today's Illustration
Instructions
My mother was recently on a flight returning from Utah. As the plane was a small puddle jumper, the flight attendants were required to demonstrate the life vest, the oxygen mask, etc. instead of turning on a video.
After they finished their presentation, one of them said "To those of you who listened, thank you. To those of you who ignored us, good luck."
Featured Illustrations are items well suited for illustrating or inspiring a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
The Cybersalt Digest is a ministry of Pastor Tim and Cybersalt.
The little boy greeted his grandmother with a hug and said,
If the schools are closed for too long, the parents are gonna find a vaccine before the scientists!
"I will allow the prisoners to wear perfume," the warden consented.
Some years ago on a hot summer day in south Florida a little boy decided to go for a swim in the old swimming hole behind his house. In a hurry to dive into the cool water, he ran out the back door, leaving behind shoes, socks, and shirt as he went. He flew into the water, not realizing that as he swam toward the middle of the lake, an alligator was swimming toward the shore.
Q. What does HMO stand for?
Commercials in 2030:
Outside a small Macedonian village a lone Catholic nun keeps a quiet watch over a silent convent. She is the last caretaker of this site of significant historical developments, spanning more than 2,000 years.
One of my students could not take my college seminar final exam because of a funeral. "No problem," I told him. "Make it up the following week."
My sister and I are close, and that allows us to be honest with each other. One evening as I prepared for a date, I remarked, "I'm fat."
So let me get this straight, there's no cure for a virus that can be KILLED by sanitizer and hand soap?
“It was an emotional wedding; even the cake was in tiers.”
On the Upper West Side of NYC lived an assimilated Jewish man who was now a very militant atheist. But he sent his son Morris to Trinity School because, despite its denominational roots, it's a great school and completely secular.
Oh look, Chicken Thursday!
Liz goes to her first show at an art gallery and is looking at the paintings. One is a huge canvas that has black with yellow blobs of paint splattered all over it. The next painting is a murky gray color that has drips of purple paint streaked across it.
I'm gonna work on being less condescending. (Condescending means to talk down to people.)
A policeman stops a speeding car and tells the woman driver; "When I saw you driving down the road, I thought to myself, 'sixty-five at least.'"
Our Lamaze class included a tour of the pediatric wing of the hospital. When a new baby was brought into the nursery, all the women tried to guess its weight, but the guy standing next to me was the only male to venture a number.