Cybersalt News
There is a new Funny Sign Picture on the Cybersalt Site today. Men, in this store you must be very clearly and precisely when ordering. You'll find "Clearly and Precisely" at:
www.cybersalt.org/funny-signs/clearly-and-precisely
Enjoy the rest of today's mailing!
Today's CleanLaugh
Cooking Terms
Tongue: A variety of meat, rarely served because it clearly crosses the line between a cut of beef and a piece of dead cow.
Yogurt: Semi-solid dairy product made from partially evaporated and fermented milk. Yogurt is one of only three foods that taste exactly the same as they sound. The other two are goulash and squid.
Recipe: A series of step-by-step instructions for preparing ingredients you forgot to buy, in utensils you don't own, to make a dish the dog won't eat.
Porridge: Thick oatmeal rarely found on tables since
children were granted the right to sue their parents. The name is an amalgamation of the words "Putrid," "hORRId," and "sluDGE."
Preheat: To turn on the heat in an oven for a period of time before cooking a dish, so that the fingers may be burned when the food is put in, as well as when it is removed.
Oven: Compact home incinerator used for disposing of bulky pieces of meat and poultry.
Microwave Oven: Space-age kitchen appliance that uses the principle of radar to locate and immediately destroy any food placed within the cooking compartment.
Calorie: Basic measure of the amount of rationalization offered by the average individual prior to taking a second helping of a particular food.
Today's One-liner
One-liner #1005
I remember when yoga was called Twister.
Today's Clean Pun
Tired of My Puns?
Sorry if you've groan tired of my puns; that's just how eye roll.
Today's Quote
Quote #1453
"The more we pray, the more we shall want to pray. The more we pray, the more we can pray. The more we pray, the more we shall pray. He who prays little will pray less, but he who prays much will pray more. And he who prays more, will desire to pray more abundantly."
- Charles Spurgeon
Today's Illustration
The Little Voice
A guy gets home from work one night and hears a little voice. The little voice tells him, "Quit your job, sell your house, take your money, go to Vegas." The man is disturbed at what he hears and ignores the little voice.
The next day, when he gets home from work, the same thing happens. The little voice tells him, "Quit your job, sell your house, take your money, go to Vegas." Again, the man ignores the little voice, though he is very troubled by the event.
Every day, day after day, the man hears the same little voice when he gets home from work, "Quit your job, sell your house, take your money, go to Vegas." Each time the man hears the little voice he becomes increasingly upset. Finally, after two weeks, he succumbs to the pressure. He does quit his job, sells his house, takes his money and heads to Vegas.
The moment the man gets off the plane in Vegas, the little voice tells him, "Go to Harrah's." So, he hops in a cab and rushes over to Harrah's.
As soon as he sets foot in the casino, the little voice tells him, "Go to the roulette table." The man does as he is told. When he gets to the roulette table, the little voice tells him, "Put all your money on 17."
Nervously, the man exchanges all his money for chips and then puts them all on 17.
The dealer wishes the man good luck and spins the roulette wheel. Around and around the ball caroms. The man anxiously watches the ball as it slowly loses speed until finally it settles into number... 21.
The little voice says, "Oops..."
Featured Illustrations are items well suited for illustrating or inspiring a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
The Cybersalt Digest is a ministry of Pastor Tim and Cybersalt.org - a member of the Cybersalt family of sites.
Signs you aren't very competent with a computer:
Piety: you had me at pie.
Pork chops are on the menu down at the seminary tonight:
By the time Ted arrived at the football game, the first quarter was almost over.
An ice cream store employee is standing behind the counter on a typical day, when the door bursts open and in come four exuberant goobers. They come up to the counter, order 10 triple-scoop cones and take their order over and sit down at a large table. Then they begin chanting, "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!"
I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday and I'll tell you what . . . never again!
How could a baker not know how flower is spelt?
A man sees another leaning against the wall of a large building. The second man is puffing away, one cigarette after another.
A lady who was speeding had an officer pull her to the side of the road. She didn't have her seat belt on so as soon as she stopped, she quickly slipped it on before the officer got to her window.
Don't you hate it when someone answers their own questions? I do.
The local monastery is looking for a choir director: apply if you get the chants.
A very zealous soul-winning young preacher recently came upon a farmer working in his field. Being concerned about the farmer's soul, the preacher asked the man, "Are you laboring in the vineyard of the Lord, my good man?"
But since my counselor is always encouraging me to let go of the past, let's talk about last week's total solar eclipse. I missed it because I was asleep on the other side of the world, however, Satellite Himawari-8 was wide awake and captured the whole thing from space. The pictures it took are in a time lapse video in the newest FunBlog entry on the Cybersalt Site at:
If you are wondering what a Goober is, there is a picture of one at:
"Please pray for my wife; she married an idiot."
What's so good about living in Switzerland? Well, the flag's a big plus.
"Mummy, my turtle's dead," the little boy, Andrew, sorrowfully told his mother, holding the turtle out to her in his hand.