Cybersalt News
Happy 3rd birthday to our grandson Torre!
Even though the Cybersalt Newsletters have not been going out for some time, that doesn't mean there weren't new pages added to the Cybersalt Site. To catch up on some of those (including a new Jeanne Robertson routine) head on over to the the FunBlog page at:
www.cybersalt.org/entertainment/funblog
Remember too, you can always get notifications about new Cybersalt pages (and other great pages we share) by following Cybersalt on FaceBook:
www.facebook.com/cybersaltsite
Enjoy the rest of today's mailing!
Today's CleanLaugh
If You Love Something Variations
THE ORIGINAL VERSION:
If you love something,
Set it free...
If it comes back, it's yours;
If it doesn't, it never was yours.
THE PESSIMIST VERSION:
If you love somebody,
Set her free ...
If she ever comes back, she's yours;
If she doesn't, well, as expected, she never was.
THE OPTIMIST VERSION:
If you love somebody,
Set her free ...
Don't worry, she will come back.
THE SUSPICIOUS VERSION:
If you love somebody,
Set her free ...
If she comes back, ask her why.
THE IMPATIENT VERSION:
If you love somebody,
Set her free ...
If she doesn't comes back within some time limit,
forget her.
THE PATIENT VERSION:
If you love somebody,
Set her free ...
If she doesn't come back, continue to wait
until she comes back ...
THE PLAYFUL VERSION:
If you love somebody,
Set her free ...
If she comes back, and if you love her still,
set her free again. Repeat
THE LAWYER'S VERSION:
If you love somebody,
Set her free...
Clause 1a of Paragraph 13a-1 in the second
amendment of the Matrimonial Freedom Act clearly states that...
THE BILL GATES VERSION:
If you love somebody,
Set her free...
If she comes back,
I think we can charge her for re-installation fees
and tell her that she's also going to get an upgrade.
THE STATISTICIAN'S VERSION:
If you love somebody,
Set her free...
If she loves you, the probability of her coming back is high;
If she doesn't, your relationship was improbable anyway.
THE POSSESSIVE VERSION:
If you love somebody
don't ever set her free.
THE MBA VERSION:
If you love somebody
set her free...
instantaneously...
and look for others simultaneously.
THE PSYCHOLOGIST'S VERSION:
If you love somebody
set her free...
If she comes back, her super ego is dominant;
If she doesn't come, back her id is supreme;
If she doesn't go, she must be crazy.
THE FINANCE EXPERT VERSION:
If you love somebody
set her free...
If she comes back, its time to look for fresh loans;
If she doesn't, write her off as an asset gone bad.
THE MARKETING VERSION:
If you love somebody
set her free...
If she comes back, she has brand loyalty;
If she doesn't, reposition the brand in new markets.
Today's One-liner
One-liner #0987
When the moon hits your eye,
like a big pizza pie ...
that's a lawsuit.
Today's Clean Pun
Dating a Philosopher
Trying to date a philosophy professor?
He doesn't even know if you exist or not!
Today's Quote
Quote #1436
"Jesus didn't come to tell us the answer to the questions of life, he came to be the answer."
- Timothy Keller
Today's Illustration
Change Your Stance
The newest member of the country club was taking his initiatory round of golf with the club's officers. He was nervous about making a good impression. He teed up the ball, spread his feet apart, fixed his stance, and took a healthy swing. The golf club removed about a pound of turf, but left the ball intact. Terribly embarrassed, the man again planted his feet, took another healthy swing, and again, totally missed the ball. Although thoroughly exasperated, once again he spread his feet apart, fixed his stance, and took a vibrant swing----and for the third time missed. Whereupon he looked up and said, "Wow, this sure is a tough course."
Many of us are more like that golfer than we care to admit. We spend our time and energy blaming our problems on circumstances and conditions and cultural contexts, when we should be changing our stance.
- Leonard Sweet
Featured Illustrations are items well suited for illustrating or inspiring a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
The Cybersalt Digest is a ministry of Pastor Tim and Cybersalt.org - a member of the Cybersalt family of sites.
General Motors doesn't have a "help line" for people who don't know how to drive, because people don't buy cars like they buy computers. But, imagine if they did . . .
According to statistics, last year over 17 million American families paid a lot of money for things that looked funny and didn't work.
The amount of people who confuse "to" and "too" is amazing two me.
You got mood poisoning?
"It is absolutely vital to remember that a pastor's ministry is never just shaped by his knowledge, experience, and skill. It is always also shaped by the true condition of his heart."
Ending his sermon, a preacher announced that he would preach on Noah and the Ark on the following Sunday, and gave the scriptural reference for the congregation to read ahead of time.
The passengers were leaving the plane after landing, and one smiling, satisfied passenger paused to congratulate the flight attendant.
If I could only use one word to describe myself, it would probably be: "not good at following directions."
I like to be laid back: it's just how I'm inclined.
"It is always possible to be grateful for what is received rather than resentful over what is withhold. One or the other becomes a way of life."
The young woman sat in her stalled car, waiting for help. Finally two men walked up to her. “I’m out of gas,” she purred. “Could you push me to the gas station?”
A goober went to a flight school, insisting she wanted to learn to fly that day. As all the planes were currently in use, the busy owner agreed to instruct her on how to pilot the helicopter solo by radio.
I sent that "Ancestry" site some information on my family tree and they sent me back a packet of seeds and suggested that I just start over.
Nice guys don't finish last: they get honourable Mensch-in.
"It is peculiarly incumbent upon you who have strength to set a right example to others. I ask you to remember that you cannot retain your self-respect if you are loose and foul of tongue, that a man who is to lead a clean and honorable life must inevitably suffer if his speech likewise is not clean and honorable. Every man here knows the temptations that beset all of us in this world. At times any man will slip. I do not expect perfection, but I do expect genuine and sincere effort toward being decent and cleanly in thought, in word, and in deed. As I said at the outset, I hail the work of this society as typifying one of those forces which tend to the betterment and uplifting of our social system. Our whole effort should be toward securing a combination of the strong qualities with those qualities which we term virtues. I expect you to be strong. I would not respect you if you were not. I do not want to see Christianity professed only by weaklings; I want to see it a moving spirit among men of strength. I do not expect you to lose one particle of your strength or courage by being decent.
Jane had a system for labelling home-made freezer meals.