Cybersalt Digest Archive

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Cybersalt News

Sunday greetings everyone!

Today, perhaps even as you read this, I am finishing a sermon series on the "You have heard it said" sections from Jesus' sermon on the mount in Matthew.  If that interests you, the first five messages are available for listening on the Westside Bible Church website at:
www.westsidefamily.org/messages

Also, you may remember me talking about Josh Reaume, a superb young man from our congregation who aspired to race in NASCAR. I'm happy to update you that Josh has been racing in NASCAR's Xfinity series! You can find out more about Josh on his new web site at:
www.joshreaume.com 

Enjoy the rest of today's mailing.

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Today's CleanLaugh

Guard Dog

My sister-in-law, a truck driver, decided to get a dog for protection.

As she inspected a likely candidate, the trainer told her, "He doesn't like men."

"Perfect," my sister-in-law thought and took the dog.

Then one day she was approached by two men in a parking lot, and she watched to see how her canine bodyguard would react.

Soon it became clear that the trainer wasn't kidding.

As the men got closer, the dog ran under the nearest car.

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The Cybersalt Digest is a ministry of Pastor Tim and Cybersalt.org - a member of the Cybersalt family of sites.

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 Cybersalt News - February 13, 2016

If you do not like puns do not go to Cybersalt's Valentine Pun page at:
www.cybersalt.org/clean-puns/valentine-puns

If you do like to read flame e-mails I am sent because some people can't take a joke, head on over to the Hall of Flames where you can read the latest addition "Not Foxy Enough":
www.cybersalt.org/hall-of-flames/not-foxy-enough

Enjoy the rest of today's mailing.

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Today's CleanLaugh

Age

When you are young, you want to be the master of your fate and the captain of your soul.

When you are older, you will settle for being the master of your weight and the captain of your bowling team.

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Today's One-liner

One-liner #0990

"I've gotten to the age where I need my false teeth and hearing aid before I can ask where I left my glasses."

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Today's Clean Pun

Doughboy

The Pillsbury Doughboy is my my roll model.

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Today's Quote

Quote #1439

“People do not drift toward holiness. Apart from grace-driven effort, people do not gravitate toward godliness, prayer, obedience to Scripture, faith, and delight in the Lord. We drift toward compromise and call it tolerance; we drift toward disobedience and call it freedom; we drift toward superstition and call it faith. We cherish the indiscipline of lost self-control and call it relaxation; we slouch toward prayerlessness and delude ourselves into thinking we have escaped legalism; we slide toward godlessness and convince ourselves we have been liberated.” 
- D.A. Carson

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Today's Illustration

Rest, Busyness

Helen and Amanda were discussing their busy schedules.

Helen said, "Amanda, I must ask you something. Every day I feel incredibly run down and tired. And yet, I see you looking as fresh as a rose. I have to know: what's your secret?"

"My secret? Every morning, without fail, I wake up at six o'clock sharp."

"You wake up at six o'clock?"

"Yes, and then I look at the clock, see what time it is, and go back to sleep for another four hours."

Featured Illustrations are items well suited for illustrating or inspiring a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.

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The Cybersalt Digest is a ministry of Pastor Tim and Cybersalt.org - a member of the Cybersalt family of sites.

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 Cybersalt News - February 12, 2016

It's a few days late for the best timing of this Cybersalt classic funny sign picture (which I actually took of a friend's church in 2009). Just the same, the idea of shoving pancakes has as fun ring to it any time of the year:
www.cybersalt.org/funny-pictures/pancakes-on-tuesday

Enjoy the rest of today's mailing.

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Today's CleanLaugh

Missing You

Dave went on a business trip for a few days.

When he returned, his wife reported that the dog really missed him.

"She spent every night at the front door, awaiting your return," she said.

"What an example of true love," Dave replied. "I wonder if you'd be that concerned about me?"

"Honey," she answered, "if you were gone overnight, and I didn't know where you were, you can be sure I'd be waiting for you at the front door."

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Today's One-liner

One-liner #0989

So apparently the security guard at Safeway didn't believe that life gave me that lemon.

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Today's Clean Pun

Horse Knock-Off

You mean you've never knocked a guy off a horse with a lance before?

Surely you joust!

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Today's Quote

Quote #1438

"I like going the extra mile, it's usually less crowded."

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Today's Illustration

Generosity

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club.

A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker-function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: "Hello"

WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

MAN: "Yes"

WOMAN: "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"

MAN: "Sure, . . go ahead if you like it that much."

WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2005 models. I saw one I really liked."

MAN: "How much?"

WOMAN: "$60,000"

MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."

WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing .... The house we wanted lastyear is back on the market. They're asking $950,000"

MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer 900,000."

WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you!"

MAN: "Bye, I love you, too."

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at him in astonishment.

Then he asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"

Featured Illustrations are items well suited for illustrating or inspiring a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.

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The Cybersalt Digest is a ministry of Pastor Tim and Cybersalt.org - a member of the Cybersalt family of sites.

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Cybersalt News

Oh look, Chicken Thursday!
For the whole Chicken Thursday explanation check out:
www.cybersalt.org/news/the-story-of-chicken-thursday

For those of you who tend to get in trouble for forgetting Valentine's day, Valentine's day is this Sunday. When you do remember it, please don't remembering it like this guy did:
www.cybersalt.org/funny-pictures/valentines-back

Enjoy the rest of today's mailing!

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Today's CleanLaugh

Deep Trouble

A man driving his car down a country road was forced to stop before a giant puddle blocking the entire way. Looking to the side of the road, the man noticed a goober leaning on a fence. "Think it's safe to cross?" the man asked.

"I reckon so," replied the goober.

Pulling ahead, the mans car was immediately swallowed by the puddle. In fact, it was so deep that he had to roll his window down to swim out and up to the surface. As his head broke the surface the man said to the goober, "I thought you said I could safely drive through this puddle!"

"Well, shoot!" he relied, scratching his head. "It only comes up chest-high on my ducks!"

(Wondering what a goober is?  Find out at www.cybersalt.org/policies/what-is-a-goober)

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Today's One-liner

One-liner #0988

Just once it'd be nice to hear the word "sir," without it immediately being followed by,"you're making a scene."

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Today's Clean Pun

Fish Eyes

Fisheye lenses make the world go round.

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Today's Quote

Quote #1437

"We are not called to be defenders of the Truth but to live the Truth, which is Truth's best defense."

~Mabel Boggs Sweet

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Today's Illustration

That 'Green' Thing

In the line at the store today, the cashier told an older woman ahead of me that plastic bags weren't good for the environment. The woman apologized to her and explained, "We didn't have the green thing back in my day."

That's right, they didn't have the green thing in her day. Back then, they returned their milk bottles, Coke bottles and beer bottles to the store. The store sent them back to the plant to be washed and sterilized and refilled, using the same bottles over and over. So they really were recycled. But they didn't have the green thing back in her day.

In her day, they walked up stairs, because they didn't have an escalator in every store and office building. They walked to the grocery store and didn't climb into a 300-horsepower machine every time they had to go two blocks. But she's right. They didn't have the green thing in her day.

Back then, they washed the baby's diapers because they didn't have the throw-away kind. They dried clothes on a line, not in an energy gobbling machine burning up 220 volts.... "wind and solar power" really did dry the clothes. Kids got hand-me-down clothes from their brothers or sisters, not always brand-new clothing. But that old lady is right, they didn't have the green thing back in her day.

Back then, they had one TV, or radio, in the house not a TV in every room. And the TV had a small screen the size of a pizza dish, not a screen the size of the state of Montana. In the kitchen, they blended and stirred by hand because they didn't have electric machines to do everything for you. When they packaged a fragile item to send in the mail, they used wadded up newspaper to cushion it, not styrofoam or plastic bubble wrap.

Back then, they didn't fire up an engine and burn gasoline just to cut the lawn. They used a push mower that ran on human power. They exercised by working so they didn't need to go to a health club to run on treadmills that operate on electricity. But she's right, they didn't have the green thing back then.

They drank from a fountain when they were thirsty, instead of using a cup or a plastic bottle every time they had a drink of water. They refilled pens with ink, instead of buying a new pen, and they replaced the razor blades in a razor instead of throwing away the whole razor just because the blade got dull. But they didn't have the green thing back then.

Back then, people took the streetcar and kids rode their bikes to school or rode the school bus, instead of turning their moms into a 24-hour taxi service. They had one electrical outlet in a room, not an entire bank of sockets to power a dozen appliances. And they didn't need a computerized gadget to receive a signal beamed from satellites 2,000 miles out in space in order to find the nearest pizza joint. But that old lady is right. They didn't have the green thing back in her day.

Featured Illustrations are items well suited for illustrating or inspiring a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.

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The Cybersalt Digest is a ministry of Pastor Tim and Cybersalt.org - a member of the Cybersalt family of sites.