Cybersalt Digest Archive


Issue #3961

Today's Table of Contents

Cybersalt News

There are 2 new pages on the Cybersalt Site today.  The first one I found very inspiring to watch.  You'll find "Big Universe" at:
www.cybersalt.org/videos/big-universe

The other video is simply the most bizarre cat video I have seen to date on the internet.  You'll find "Cat Shark" at:
www.cybersalt.org/funny-cat-pictures/cat-shark

Enjoy the rest of today's mailing!

Here is today's CleanLaugh

Golf Comeback

golf bag(This joke is based on an actual event which is a part of golf lore around the world).

A golfer is playing a round of golf with his buddies. On the sixth hole, a hole over water, he proceeds to flub nine balls into the water. Frustrated over his poor golfing ability, and about ready to hit somebody, he heaves his golf clubs into the water, and begins to walk off the course.

Then all of a sudden he turns around and jumps back in the lake, his buddies apparently thinking he is going to retrieve his clubs. When he comes out of the water he doesn't have his clubs and begins to walk off the course.

Then one of his buddies asks, "Why did you jump into the lake?"

And he said, "I left my car keys in the bag."

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Here is today's One-liner

One-liner #0927

"Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight."
- The Swiss Army

Here is today's CleanPun

Roman Numerals

watch faceFancy Roman Numerals?

No sir, not on my watch!

Here is today's CleanQuote

Quote #1375

Francis of Assisi"It is no use walking anywhere to preach unless our walking is our preaching."
- Francis of Assisi

Here is today's Illustration

Invitation

stethoscopes colorfulA nurse on the pediatric ward, before listening to the little ones chests, would plug the stethoscope into their ears and let them listen to their own hearts. Their eyes would always light up with awe, but she never got a response equal to four-year old David's comment.

Gently she tucked the stethoscope into his ears and placed the disk over his heart. "Listen", she said..........."What do you suppose that is?"

He drew his eyebrows together in a puzzled line and looked up as if lost in the mystery of the strange tap - tap - tapping deep in his chest.

Then his face broke out in a wondrous grin and he asked, "Is that Jesus knocking?"

Featured Illustrations are items well suited for illustrating or inspiring a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.

The Cybersalt Digest is a ministry of Pastor Tim and Cybersalt

www.cybersalt.org

 


Issue #3960

Today's Table of Contents

Cybersalt News

Oh look, Chicken Thursday!

There is a new funny picture on the Cybersalt Site today.  You will find "Bun Warmer" at:
www.cybersalt.org/funny-pictures/bun-warmer

Enjoy the rest of today's mailing.

Here is today's CleanLaugh

Talking Horse

picture of muddy horseA jogger, running down a country road, is startled as a horse yells at him,

"Hey! Come over here, buddy!" The jogger is stunned, but runs over to the fence where the horse is standing and asks, "Are you talking to me???"

The horse replies, "Sure am! Listen, I've got a problem. I won the Kentucky Derby a few years ago, but then this farmer bought me, and now all I do is pull a plow. I'm sick of it. Why don't you run up to the house and offer him $5,000 to buy me? I'll make you some real money, 'cause I can still run."

Dollar signs go off in the jogger's head. So he runs up to the farmhouse, where he finds the old farmer sitting on the porch.

The jogger says, "Say, old man, I'll give you $5,000 for that old, broken-down nag you've got out in the field."

Says the farmer, "Son, I know what you are thinking, but you can't believe everything you hear. He's never even been to Kentucky."

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Here is today's One-liner

One-liner #0926

sleeping"You may say that I'm a dreamer: the clinical term is narcoleptic."

Here is today's CleanPun

Origami Tutor

origami-craneI hired a private origami tutor and I must say the quality of my work has improved tenfold!

Here is today's CleanQuote

Quote #1374

martin-luther"Pray, and let God worry."
- Martin Luther

Here is today's Illustration

Do You Have a Life?

picture of lifeHave you ever been embarrassed by misunderstanding something somebody said?

It happened to me a few days ago.

I was on a public bus. I was bored, so I was playing Tetris on my cell phone. An elderly woman was sitting across from me, and I heard her ask, "Do you have a life?"

I guessed she was making a snide remark about my not having anything better to do on the bus than to play a silly little game on an electronic device, but I didn't dare use a snide response. So I just said, "Yes, I do."

Then she responded, "Where is it?"

I supposed that this was either an odd way to articulate her disbelief in my having a life, or some weird sort of philosophical catechism regarding life. I had trouble answering, but I said, "Uh ... that's a hard question to answer. It isn't a physical object of which you can pinpoint the location." I didn't say much more about it, because I didn't want to get into a religious discussion of the location of life with her.

Then she replied in the way I least expected, "Yeah, whatever. Can I borrow it for a sec?"

I thought it was extremely odd for her to ask to borrow my life. It also piqued my curiosity about her intentions. So I said, "Er ... how would you propose I do that?"

"Look, just give it to me, I'll use it for a little bit and give it back to you."

I figured that before she chanted some incantation directing spirits to temporarily donate my life, I would at least find out why she wanted my life. So I ask just that, "What do you want my life for?"

She gave me a puzzled look.

From our following discourse, which I do not remember very well, I found out that she was actually asking me if I had a cigarette lighter. ("Do you have a light?")

I can only imagine how odd my responses seemed to her.

Featured Illustrations are items well suited for illustrating or inspiring a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.

The Cybersalt Digest is a ministry of Pastor Tim and Cybersalt

www.cybersalt.org

 


Issue #3959

Today's Table of Contents

Cybersalt News

Yesterday was a dusty day at Cybersalt World Headquarters.  CWH is located next to a really large gravel pit which is being developed for houses. At first glance I thought there was a light fog rolling in, but then I noticed it was a little too beige for it to be that.  I've posted a brief video on YouTube at:
youtu.be/FlPHfeGLm_E

Enjoy the rest of today's mailing.

Here is today's CleanLaugh

Goober Hunters Flying

bush plane pictureTwo Goober hunters got a pilot to fly them into the far north for elk hunting.  They were quite successful in their venture, and bagged six big bulls.  The pilot came back as arranged to pick them up.

They started loading their gear into the plane, including the six elk.

But the pilot objected he said, "The plane can take out only four of your elk.  You will have to leave two behind."

One of the hunters pushed forward, "Hey, last year our pilot let us take out six elk.  It was the same model plane, same weather conditions, and everything.  What's with this?  We want you to allow us to fly out just like last year.

Reluctantly the pilot finally permitted them to put all six elk aboard and the men all climbed in with their gear.  But when they attempted to take off and fly out of the valley, the little plane could not make it.  They crashed in the wilderness.

Climbing out of the wreckage, one Goober said to the other, "Do you know where we are?"

"I think so," replied the other Goober.

"Yep!  I think this is about 100 yards further along than where we crashed last year!"

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Here is today's One-liner

One-liner #0925

kitchen cabinet"When one door closes another one opens, you should really get that cabinet fixed."

Here is today's CleanPun

Karl Marx's Tomb

picture of karl marxKarl Marx's tomb is a communist plot.

Here is today's CleanQuote

Quote #1373

bible open"Do not expect always to get an emotional charge or a feeling of quiet peace when you read the Bible. By the grace of God you may expect that to be a frequent experience, but often you will get no emotional response at all. Let the Word break over your heart and mind again and again as the years go by, and imperceptibly there will come great changes in your attitude and outlook and conduct. You will probably be the last to recognize these... Go on reading it until you can read no longer, and then you will not need the Bible any more, because when your eyes close for the last time in death, and never again read the Word of God in Scripture you will open them to the Word of God in the flesh, that same Jesus of the Bible whom you have known for so long, standing before you to take you for ever to His eternal home."
- Geoffrey Thomas, Reading the Bible

Here is today's Illustration

Things I Wish I'd Known Before I Dated

wedding ringsThings I Wish I'd Known Before I Dated

~ Never date anyone who is rude to the waiter/waitress.

~ Never date anyone who is rude to their mother.

~ If they have a tendency to be rude to you now, just wait.

~ If you date someone who doesn't share your standards, they'll lower yours.

~ The five most essential words for a healthy, vital relationship: "I apologize" and "You are right."

~ Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

~ If he/she says you're too good for him/her, believe it.

~ If they have a tough time apologizing now, just wait.

~ Never date anyone who spends more time gazing into the mirror, than they spend gazing into your eyes.

Featured Illustrations are items well suited for illustrating or inspiring a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.

The Cybersalt Digest is a ministry of Pastor Tim and Cybersalt

www.cybersalt.org

 


Issue #3958

Today's Table of Contents

Cybersalt News

Sunday greetings everyone.

It's been an long time since I sent out a Sunday mailing.  The Westside Bible Church web site is up to date with recordings of my messages from recent months.  I'm actually well into a series from the book of Hebrews.  You'll find them at:
www.westsidefamily.org/multimedia-podcast/messages/

Enjoy the rest of today's mailing.

Here is today's CleanLaugh

More Church Bulletin Humor

crazy baby*More Church Bulletin Humor*

Sermon Outline:
I. Delineate your fear
II. Disown your fear
III. Displace your rear

- Next Friday we will be serving hot gods for lunch.

- If you would like to make a donation, fill out a form, enclose a check and drip in the collection basket.

- Nov. 11: An evening of boweling at Lincoln Country Club.

Women's Luncheon:
Each member bring a sandwich.
Polly Phillips will give the medication.

- Karen's beautiful solo: "It is Well With My Solo."

- Congratulations to Tim and Ronda on the birth of their daughter October 12 thru 17.

- If you choose to heave during the Postlude, please do so quietly.

- We are grateful for the help of those who cleaned up the grounds around the church building and the rector.

- Hymn: "I Love Thee My Ford."

- Sign-up sheet for anyone wishing to be water baptized on the table in the foyer.

- Newsletters are not being sent to absentees because of their weight.

- Helpers are needed! Please sign up on the information sheep.

- The Advent Retreat will be held in the lover level of St. Mary's Cathedral.

- The District Duperintendent will be meeting with the church boared.

- As soon as the weather clears up, the men will have a goof outing.

- Fifth Sinday is Lent.

- Thank you, dead friends.

- Diana and Don request your presents at their wedding.

- Lent is a period for preparing for Holy Weed and Easter.

- Bless the Lord, O my soul, and forget all His benefits.

- For the word of God is quick and powerful...piercing even to the dividing asunder of soup and spirit.

- Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peach to men.

- Definition: Persons who are shut-in during bath weather.

- Bring one dozen coolies wrapped for Christmas.

- The lovers in the exhaust fan are not working.

- Volunteers are needed to spit up food.

- Head Deacon and Dead Deaconess

- We pray that our people will jumble themselves.

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Issue #3957

Today's Table of Contents

Cybersalt News

There is a new page in the FunBlog today.  Have you ever wondered what happens when you aren't around?  You'll see what the bears are doing at:
www.cybersalt.org/funblog/bears-play

Enjoy the rest of today's mailing.

Here is today's CleanLaugh

Top Ten Signs You've Bought a Lemon of a Car

lemon*Top Ten Signs You've Bought a Lemon of a Car*

10. Your tinted windows are also known as Hefty Garbage Bags.

9. The car reaches its optimum speed when going downhill.

8. The hi-tech stereo system often requires a new needle.

7. The rear-view mirror says, "Objects in Mirror Are Better Than This Piece of Junk."

6. The odometer on the dashboard is not as sophisticated as the everyday abacus.

5. Traffic Watch warns other drivers what highway you're taking.

4. The sticker on the windshield says, "Batteries Not Included."

3. You fill up the tank with Unleaded Coals.

2. You can only go to restaurants that offer Valet Pushing.

1. When you approach hitchhikers, they put their thumbs down.

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Here is today's One-liner

One-liner #0923

carved tree"When I see lovers' names carved in a tree, I don't think it's cute - I just find it strange how many people have knives on a date."

Here is today's CleanPun

Prime of Life

number 53I'm in the prime of my life: in that 53 is an irreducible integer.

Here is today's CleanQuote

Quote #1372

corrie ten boom“Don’t bother to give God instructions; just report for duty.”
- Corrie ten Boom (1892 – 1983)

Here is today's Illustration

Family Moving

cabinetWhen my father-in-law decided to move after his retirement, he invited us to his home to take a few pieces of furniture he wanted us to have.

One item was beautiful but very heavy - an antique dining-room set. Our teenage son helped us wrestle the set into our truck. It took the whole day, but finally the table, chairs, and china cabinet were sitting in our dining room.

"Just think," I said as I admired the furniture while my son sat resting. "This set is 100 years old. And someday, it will belong to you."

"Oh, no!" he replied with a stricken look on his face. "You mean I'm going to have to move this thing AGAIN?"

Featured Illustrations are items well suited for illustrating or inspiring a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.

The Cybersalt Digest is a ministry of Pastor Tim and Cybersalt

www.cybersalt.org

 
  1. The Cybersalt Digest - Issue #3956 - August 2, 2013
  2. The Cybersalt Digest - Issue #3954 - August 1, 2013
  3. The Cybersalt Digest - Issue #3953 - May 9, 2013
  4. The Cybersalt Digest - Issue #3952 - April 19, 2013

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