Cybersalt Digest Archive


Issue #3956

Today's Table of Contents

Cybersalt News

It's official!  The month of July saw record precipitation (zero) and a record 431 metric hours of sunshine (the equivalent of 3017 dog hours or 125 dog days of summer) at Cybersalt World Headquarters.

BTW, I forgot to tell you about another new page on the Cybersalt Site.  "Opal's Paws To Drink" is a video a man from my church took of his cat sneaking a drink from his wife's water glass.
www.cybersalt.org/funny-cat-pictures/opal-s-paws-to-drink

Enjoy the rest of today's mailing.

Here is today's CleanLaugh

Johnny In The Garden

wormLittle Johnny sat playing in the garden.

When his mother came out to collect him, she saw that he was slowly eating a worm.

She turned pale. "No, Johnny! Stop! That's horrible! You can't eat worms!"

Trying to convince him further she noted, "The mother worm is looking all over for her nice baby worm."

"No, she isn't," said Johnny.

"How do you know she's not?" said the mother.

"Because I ate her first!" answered Little Johnny.

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Here is today's One-liner

One-liner #0923

carved tree"When I see lovers' names carved in a tree, I don't think it's cute - I just find it strange how many people have knives on a date."

Here is today's CleanPun

Phone Card

pay phoneI tried to call you the other day from a pay phone, but I put in my donor card instead of my calling card.

It cost me an arm and a leg.

Here is today's CleanQuote

Quote #1371

rocking chair"Worrying is like a rocking chair. It gives you something to do, but doesn’t get you anywhere."

Here is today's Illustration

Idealism

chinese foodMy friend Julie and I were eating at a Chinese restaurant.

When an elderly waiter set chopsticks at our places, Julie made a point of reaching into her purse and pulling out her own pair. "As an environmentalist," she declared, "I do not approve of destroying bamboo forests for throwaway utensils."

The waiter inspected her chopsticks.

"Very beautiful," he said politely. "Ivory."

Featured Illustrations are items well suited for illustrating or inspiring a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.

The Cybersalt Digest is a ministry of Pastor Tim and Cybersalt

www.cybersalt.org

 


Issue #3954

Today's Table of Contents

Cybersalt News

Oh look, Chicken Thursday!

Yes, it's been a while (May 9) since the last Cybersalt mailing.  Here are some of the highlights that kept Cybersalt Headquarters humming.

Our grandson visited us for a month.  At only 4 months old he brought his mom and dad with him.  Here's some video of Grandma Cybersalt trying to keep Torre from being too sad during a car ride:
www.cybersalt.org/funblog/happy-grandma-sad-baby

Mrs. Cybersalt and I enjoyed a wonderful, international day trip with friends to Hurricane Ridge in Washington State's Olympic National Park.
youtu.be/P7EK9WYJRjM

Even though mailings have not been going out, there are some new pages on the Cybersalt Site.  Here are some of them:
www.cybersalt.org/funblog/theo-jansen-s-strandbeests
www.cybersalt.org/funblog/spider-forecast
www.cybersalt.org/funblog/its-not-about-the-nail

Remember, the Cybersalt Facebook and Google+ pages always feature new Cybersalt Pages and links to other pages that are an ecclectic mix of saltiness. Please Like or Plus them!
www.facebook.com/cybersaltsite
plus.google.com/101021851393364126821/posts

Enjoy the rest of today's mailing!

Here is today's CleanLaugh

Good News

*Good News*

  • Picture of NewspaperThe parachute company says you'll get a full refund.
  • They say the house didn't float very far at all.
  • The "National Enquirer" just loved those pictures of you at work.
  • Jerry Springer wants to surprise you on his show.
  • The reward for your capture has reached fifty thousand dollars.
  • The insurance pays the full book value ($312) for your 1956 T Bird.
  • The thieves left the push lawn mower and hedge trimmers.
  • Those Grand Juries always over-react. Don't worry about it.
  • The boss said while you're sick, he'd do all your work personally.

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Here is today's One-liner

One-liner #0922

mask-laugh“They all laughed when I said I’d become a comedian - well, they’re not laughing now!”
- Bob Monkhouse

Here is today's CleanPun

Type A Blood

red crossThey said I have Type A blood but it was a Type O.

Here is today's CleanQuote

Quote #1370

c s lewis"Do not let us mistake necessary evils for good."
- C. S. Lewis

Here is today's Illustration

One Nice Person

airport blurryI was headed to Cincinnati Ohio.

The plane was due to leave at 5pm. I was to connect to a flight from Charlotte, NC at 7:10, and from Charlotte fly to Cincinnati.

It was raining. The flight was late. It was very late.

By 6:45, the gate attendant asked for all passengers with connections in Charlotte before 7:45 to come to the counter.

The line was long, very long, and very slow moving.

At 7:00 the plane took off. There were still people in the line that had connecting flights in Charlotte before 7:45.

I was one of those in the line.

It was obvious that we weren't going to make the connecting flight. There was only one gate agent handling the connecting passengers. He furiously worked finding alternatives on other airlines. Sometimes there were none.

Passengers were upset and they made it known.

The man beside me was from London. There were no available flights anywhere that would get him to London on time. He would be at least a day late.

"I work with the public," he said.

He explained, "The public often doesn't understand what a person behind the counter has to go through. It's not their fault.

They didn't cause the rain, or the mechanical problems or set the policies.

Yet they have to bear the brunt of the cursing, the fussing, the anger and the frustration that the public releases.

It can be a real tough job.

But you know one nice person can change your whole day.

Just one nice person out of the angry mob can really make a difference."

It was a MountainWings Moment.

I looked around.

Everyone (at least most everyone) was angry and frustrated.

I could hear the elevated voices and the complaining as the agent patiently tried to explain that was all that he could do.

Was there one nice person in the crowd?

One nice person that would ease the burden on the agent's shoulders.

One nice person that could "make his day."

The next time you are in such a situation, look around for the one nice person.

If you don't see them, then you have a chance to make someone's day. You have a chance to ease the pain. You have a chance to become the light in the midst of darkness.

Suppose you don't. Suppose you fuss and vent along with the rest of them.

You won't get to your destination one bit faster.

Suppose you become the one nice person. You won't get to your destination one bit faster either. But you will have made one person's journey much more pleasant.

Maybe your decision won't change your destination, but it might change where you are heading.

Featured Illustrations are items well suited for illustrating or inspiring a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.

The Cybersalt Digest is a ministry of Pastor Tim and Cybersalt

www.cybersalt.org

 


Issue #3953

Today's Table of Contents

Cybersalt News

Oh look, Chicken Thursday!

Yes, I'm back.  Once again I've been busier than a one armed man in a broom factory gathering no moss - or something like that.  Remember, if during one of these pauses in mailings you ever wonder if you are no longer getting my mailings, you can always check the archives to see if you have in fact missed any.  You can even have past issues e-mailed to you now!
www.cybersalt.org/newsletters/cybersalt-digest-archive
www.cybersalt.org/newsletters/pearlygates-digest-archive

With Mother's Day coming up in a few days, I've updated the "Mothers Jokes" page which features 27 mother themed jokes.
www.cybersalt.org/mother-jokes

Enjoy the rest of today's mailing!

Here is today's CleanLaugh

If They Had a Doting Mother

picture of mom and child*If They Had a Doting Mother*

MONA LISA'S MOTHER: "After all that money your father and I spent on braces, that's the biggest smile you can give us?"

COLUMBUS' MOTHER: "I don't care what you've discovered, you still could have written!"

MICHELANGELO'S MOTHER: "Can't you paint on walls like other children? Do you have any idea how hard it is to get that stuff off the ceiling?"

NAPOLEON'S MOTHER: "All right, if you aren't hiding your report card inside your jacket, take your hand out of there and show me."

ABRAHAM LINCOLN'S MOTHER: "Again with the stovepipe hat? Can't you just wear a baseball cap like the other kids?"

MARY'S MOTHER: "I'm not upset that your lamb followed you to school, but I would like to know how he got a better grade than you."

ALBERT EINSTEIN'S MOTHER: "But it's your senior picture. Can't you do something about your hair? Styling gel, mousse, something...?"

GEORGE WASHINGTON'S MOTHER: "The next time I catch you throwing money across the Potomac, you can kiss your allowance good-bye!"

JONAH'S MOTHER: "That's a nice story. Now tell me where you've really been for the last forty years."

THOMAS EDISON'S MOTHER: "Of course I'm proud that you invented the electric light bulb. Now turn it off and get to bed!"

PAUL REVERE'S MOTHER: "I don't care where you think you have to go, young man, midnight is past your curfew."

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Here is today's One-liner

One-liner #0921

picture of a crowdRemember half the people you know are below average.

Here is today's CleanPun

Quasimodo Pun

Picture of Quasimodo's bell towerUnexpectedly the bells in the Quasimodo's tower began to ring again.

I have a hunch he's back!

Here is today's CleanQuote

Quote #1369

Picture of C S Lewis"I believe in Christianity as I believe that the Sun has risen, not only because I see it, but because by it I see everything else."
- C.S. Lewis

Here is today's Illustration

What is a Grandmother?

old-ladyWhat is a grandmother? (Taken from papers written by a class of 8-year-olds.)

A grandmother is a lady who has no little children of her own. She likes other people's.

A grandfather is a man grandmother.

Grandmothers don't have to do anything except be there when we come to see them. They are so old they shouldn't play hard or run. It is good if they drive us to the store and have lots of quarters for us.

When they take us for walks, they slow down past things like pretty leaves and caterpillars.

They show us and talk to us about the color of the flowers and also Why we shouldn't step on "cracks."

They don't say, "Hurry up."

Usually grandmothers are fat, but not too fat to tie your shoes.

They wear glasses and funny underwear.

They can take their teeth and gums out.

Grandmothers don't have to be smart.

They have to answer questions like "why isn't God married?" and "How come dogs chase cats?".

When they read to us, they don't skip. They don't mind if we ask for the same story over again.

Everybody should try to have a grandmother, especially if you don't have television, because they are the only grown ups who like to spend time with us.

They know we should have snack-time before bedtime and they say prayers with us every time, and kiss us even when we've acted bad.

Featured Illustrations are items well suited for illustrating or inspiring a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.

The Cybersalt Digest is a ministry of Pastor Tim and Cybersalt

www.cybersalt.org

 


Issue #3952

Today's Table of Contents

Cybersalt News

A picture of larry darryl and his other brother darrylIf you follow the Cybersalt Facebook Page (and please do at www.facebook.com/cybersaltsite) you'll know that the Cybersalt sites were down for 27 hours this week after a work crew (we're not sure if it was Larry, his brother Darryl or his other brother Darryl) cut through the fiber optic line that connects the servers we are on to the rest of the world.  However, all is back up and running nicely.

It's tax time again.  If you are in the US you are late filing, but in Canada you still have until April 30.  To help we are happy to supply you links to simplified tax fors for you to use:
www.cybersalt.org/funny-pictures/simplified-us-tax-forms
www.cybersalt.org/funny-pictures/simplified-canadian-tax-form

Enjoy the rest of today's mailing.

Here is today's CleanLaugh

Tight Shoes

picture of men's dress shoesA man walks into a shoe store, and tries on a pair of shoes.

"How do they feel?" asks the sales clerk.

"Well ... they feel a bit tight." replies the man.

The assistant promptly bends down and has a look at the shoes and the mans feet.

"Try pulling out on the tongue." offers the clerk.

"Nath theyth sthill feelth a bith tighth." He says.

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Here is today's One-liner

One-liner #0920

picture of a whale jumping"Save the whales - collect the whole set!"

Here is today's CleanPun

Immortality Jokes

picture of infinity symbolImmortality Jokes: They never get old!

Here is today's CleanQuote

Quote #1368

dietrich-bonhoeffer"If you board the wrong train, it is no use running along the corridor in the other direction."
- Dietrich Bonhoeffer

Here is today's Illustration

Taxes and True Riches

picture of a tax returnTax Assessment time - Goods vs GOODS

A tax assessor came one day to a poor Christian to determine the amount of taxes he would have to pay. The following conversation took place:

"What property do you possess?" asked the assessor.

"I am a very wealthy man," replied the Christian.

"List your possessions, please," the assessor instructed.

The Christian said:

"First, I have everlasting life, John 3:16

Second, I have a mansion in heaven, John 14:2

Third, I have peace that passes all understanding, Philippians 4:7

Fourth, I have joy unspeakable, 1 Peter 1:8

Fifth, I have divine love which never fails, 1 Corinthians 13:8

Sixth, I have a faithful pious wife, Proverbs 31:10

Seventh, I have healthy, happy obedient children, Exodus 20:12

Eighth, I have true, loyal friends, Proverbs 18:24

Ninth, I have songs in the night, Psalms 42:8

Tenth, I have a crown of life, James 1:12

The tax assessor closed his book, and said, "Truly you are a very rich man, but your property is not subject to taxation."

I pray that all of us will have this kind of tax free "wealth."

Have a richly blessed day.

Featured Illustrations are items well suited for illustrating or inspiring a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.

The Cybersalt Digest is a ministry of Pastor Tim and Cybersalt

www.cybersalt.org

 


Issue #3951

Today's Table of Contents

Cybersalt News

There is a new funny car picture on the Cybersalt Site today.  You'll find "Cargo Cult" at:
http://www.cybersalt.org/funny-car-pictures/cargo-cult

Enjoy the rest of today's mailing.

Here is today's CleanLaugh

Dumb Sports Quotes

microphoneDumb Sports Quotes

*"And here's Moses Kiptanui, the 19 year old Kenyan, who turned 20 a few weeks ago." 
(David Coleman)

*"Its a great advantage to be able to hurdle with both legs." 
(David Coleman)

*"We now have exactly the same situation as we had at the start of the race, only exactly the opposite." 
(Murray Walker)

*Jimmy Hill: "Don't sit on the fence Terry. What chance do you think Germany has of getting through? 
Terry Venables: "I think it's 50-50."

*"I was in a no-win situation, so I'm glad that I won rather than lost."
(Frank Bruno)

*"There is Brendan Foster, by himself, with 20,000 people." 
(David Coleman)

*"The lead car is absolutely unique, except for the one behind it which is identical." 
(Murray Walker)

*"I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father." 
(Greg Norman)

*"There have been injuries and deaths in boxing, but none of them serious."
(Alan Minter)

*"Watch the time. It gives you an indication of how fast they are running."
(Ron Pickering)

*"That's inches away from being millimeter perfect." 
(Ted Lowe)

*"The Queen's Park Oval, exactly as its name suggests, is absolutely round."
(Tony Crozier)

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Here is today's One-liner

One-liner #0919

A picture of a Barbie doll"If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?"

Here is today's CleanPun

Medical Advice

doctor3Medical Advice: Avoid epidemics like the plague.

Here is today's CleanQuote

Quote #1367

A picture of Martin Lluther"Prayer is not overcoming God's reluctance, but laying hold of His willingness."
- Martin Luther

Here is today's Illustration

Top Ten Signs That You Are Webbed Out

picture of a browser address bar10. Your opening line is, "So what's your home page address?"

9. Your best friend is someone you've never met.

8. You see a beautiful sunset, and you half expect to see "Best viewed in Firefox" on one of the clouds.

7. You are overcome with disbelief, anger and finally depressed when you encounter a Web page with no links.

6. You feel driven to consult the "Cool Page of the Day" on your wedding day.

5. You are driving on a dark and rainy night when you hydroplane on puddle, sending your car careening toward the flimsy guard rail that separates you from the precipice of a rocky cliff and certain death. You look for the "Back" button.

4. You visit "The Really Big Button that Doesn't Do Anything" again and again and again.

3. Your dog has his own Web page.

2. So does your hamster.

... and the No. 1 sign that you have overdosed on the WWW:

When you read a magazine, you have an irresistible urge to click on the underlined passages.

Featured Illustrations are items well suited for illustrating or inspiring a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.

The Cybersalt Digest is a ministry of Pastor Tim and Cybersalt

www.cybersalt.org

 
  1. The Cybersalt Digest - Issue #3950 - April 11, 2013
  2. The Cybersalt Digest - Issue #3949 - April 10, 2013
  3. The Cybersalt Digest - Issue #3948 - April 9, 2013
  4. The Cybersalt Digest - Issue #3947 - April 8, 2013

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