Cybersalt Digest Archive


Issue #3981

Today's Table of Contents

Cybersalt News

Oh look, Chicken Thursday!

There is a new funny sign picture on the Cybersalt Site today.  You will find "Stubbornness!" at:
www.cybersalt.org/3afw

Enjoy the rest of today's mailing!

Here is today's CleanLaugh

Eye Test Chart

eye examinerWhen his eyes began to give him trouble, a man went to a ophthalmologist in Prague.

The doctor showed the patient the eye chart, displaying the letters CVKPNWXSCZ.

"Can you read that?" the doctor asked.

"Can I read it?" the Czech replied. "I dated his sister!"

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Here is today's One-liner

One-liner #0944

iphone in handOne day I'll look up from my phone and realize my kids put me in a nursing home.

Here is today's CleanPun

Gym Problems

gymI broke up with my gym.

We were just not working out.

Here is today's CleanQuote

Quote #1392

crossed fingersBeware of half truths . . . you may get the wrong half.

Here is today's Illustration

Growing Up Speaking English

dictionarySome reasons to be grateful if you grew up speaking English:

1) The bandage was wound around the wound.

2) The farm was used to produce produce.

3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.

4) We must polish the Polish furniture.

5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.

6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.

7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.

8) At the Army base, a bass was painted on the head of a bass drum.

9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.

10) I did not object to the object.

11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.

12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.

13) They were too close to the door to close it.

14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.

15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.

16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.

17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.

18) After a number of Novocain injections, my jaw got number.

19) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.

20) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.

21) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

22) I spent last evening evening out a pile of dirt.

Featured Illustrations are items well suited for illustrating or inspiring a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.

The Cybersalt Digest is a ministry of Pastor Tim and Cybersalt

www.cybersalt.org

 


Issue #3980

Today's Table of Contents

Cybersalt News

ss cybersalt shaker 009Cybersalt Shaker Episode #009 is now online!  Have a visit with me and my hot water tank by watching "Lukewarm" at:
www.cybersalt.org/3adq

Enjoy the rest of today's digest.

Here is today's CleanLaugh

Weight For Help

picture of weightsSomewhat skeptical of his son's new found determination to become Charles Atlas, the father nevertheless followed the teenager over to the weight-lifting department, admiring a set of weights.

"Please, Dad," pleaded the boy, "I promise I'll use 'em every day."

"I don't know, Michael. It's really a commitment on your part," the father pointed out.

"Please, Dad?" the boy continued.

"They're not cheap either," the father came back.

"I'll use 'em Dad, I promise. You'll see."

Finally won over, the father paid for the equipment and headed for the door.

From the corner of the store he heard his son yelp, "What! You mean I have to carry them to the car?"

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Here is today's One-liner

One-liner #0943

nsa spyI bet the NSA's nickname for my mom is 'all caps in Florida'.

Here is today's CleanPun

Cat Obsession

cat on roofHe said "Your obsession with cats is out of control. I can't handle it anymore."

She cried, "You're kicking meeeowt?"

Here is today's CleanQuote

Quote #1391

"dance-blurA long marriage is two people trying to dance a duet and two solos at the same time."
- Anne Taylor Fleming

Here is today's Illustration

Grandpa's Prayers

praying handsOur son had only heard his grandfather pray at Thanksgiving, Easter, and other special occasions; when he, typically, said a long prayer over the food. One night, after a fun camp-out and fishing trip, grandfather (to our son's surprise) asked a very brief blessing on the food.

With a gleam in his eye, our son grinned at his Grandfather and said, "You don't pray so long when you're hungry, do you Grandpa?"

Featured Illustrations are items well suited for illustrating or inspiring a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.

The Cybersalt Digest is a ministry of Pastor Tim and Cybersalt

www.cybersalt.org

 


Issue #3979

Today's Table of Contents

Cybersalt News

There is a new funny car picture on the Cybersalt Site today.  You will find "Car Fly" at:
www.cybersalt.org/3aw8

Enjoy the rest of today's mailing!

Here is today's CleanLaugh

Popping Ears

passenger window on planeAboard a flight from L.A. to New York, Grandma Esther was taking her very first flight.

They had only been aloft a few minutes when the elderly lady complained to the stewardess that her ears were popping.

The girl smiled and gave the older woman some chewing gum, assuring her that many people experienced the same discomfort.

When they landed in New York, Grandma thanked the stewardess.

"The chewing gum worked fine," she said, "but tell me, how do I get it out of my ears?"

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Here is today's One-liner

One-liner #0942

dog poodleThe only member of my family with a personal trainer is the dog.

Here is today's CleanPun

Narcissism

donkey in mirrorNarcissists are people filled with self-pretty.

Here is today's CleanQuote

Quote #1390

theodore roosevelt"It is not the critic who counts, not the man who points out how the strong man stumbled, or where the doer of deeds could have done better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood, who strives valiantly, who errs and comes short again and again, who knows the great enthusiasms, the great devotions, and spends himself in a worthy cause, who at best knows achievement and who at the worst if he fails at least fails while daring greatly so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who know neither victory nor defeat."
- Theodore Roosevelt

Here is today's Illustration

Long Marriages

wedding cakeOn their 50th wedding anniversary and during the banquet celebrating it, Tom was asked to give his friends a brief account of the benefits of a marriage of such long duration.

"Tell us Tom, just what is it you have learned from all those wonderful years with your wife?"

Tom responds, "Well, I've learned that marriage is the best teacher of all. It teaches you loyalty, meekness, forbearance, self-restraint, forgiveness - and a great many other qualities you wouldn't have needed if you'd stayed single."

Featured Illustrations are items well suited for illustrating or inspiring a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.

The Cybersalt Digest is a ministry of Pastor Tim and Cybersalt

www.cybersalt.org

 


Issue #3978

Today's Table of Contents

Cybersalt News

There is a new funny horse picture on the Cybersalt Site today.  You will find "Horse Boat" at:
www.cybersalt.org/3aa9

Enjoy the rest of today's mailing.

Here is today's CleanLaugh

Pull Over Cookies

police pull overReturning from a trip to visit my grandmother in Canada, I was stopped by a state trooper in New York for exceeding the speed limit.

Grateful to have received a warning instead of a ticket, I gave him a small bag of my grandmother's delicious chocolate-chip cookies and proceeded on my way.

A short time later, I was stopped by another trooper.

"What have I done?" I asked.

"Nothing," the trooper said, smiling.

"I heard you were passing out great chocolate-chip cookies."

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Here is today's One-liner

One-liner #0941

picture of spiderI just did a week’s worth of cardio after walking into a spider’s web.

Here is today's CleanPun

Brie Cheese

brie cheeseSweet dreams are made of cheese.

Who am I to dis a brie?

Here is today's CleanQuote

Quote #1389

picture of hands"How do you know if you are a servant? By how you react when someone treats you as one."
- Dawson Trotman

Here is today's Illustration

Consistency, Mentoring

note paperAn English teacher often wrote little notes on student essays. Often she worked late, and as the hours passed, her handwriting deteriorated.

One day a student came to her after class with an essay that had been returned. "I can't make out this comment you wrote on my paper." , he said

The teacher took the paper and, after studying it, sheepishly replied,

"It says that you should write more legibly!"

Featured Illustrations are items well suited for illustrating or inspiring a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.

The Cybersalt Digest is a ministry of Pastor Tim and Cybersalt

www.cybersalt.org

 


Issue #3977

Today's Table of Contents

Cybersalt News

It's been a while since I added a new funny cat or dog picture to the Cybersalt Site, so I've added one of each today!  However, they go together and can only live in one directory so you will find "Cat and Dog Road Trips" at:
www.cybersalt.org/33qk

Yesterday's server move went very well.  All hardware was offline at 6:00pm, driven across town and back online at 9:30.  It was a fun time for me, but then I had very little pressure on me since I was really only a server sherpa.

Enjoy the rest of today's mailing.

Here is today's CleanLaugh

Mother's Flu

flu picture(Notes pinned to the pillow of a mother who has the flu by her meaning husband.)

Monday A.M.
Dearest: Sleep late. Everything under control. Lunches packed. Kids off to school. Menu for dinner planned. Your lunch is on a tray in refrigerator: fruit cup, finger-sandwiches. Thermos of hot tea by bedside. See you around six.

Tuesday A.M.
Honey: Sorry about the egg rack in the refrigerator.
Hope you got back to sleep. Did the kids tell you about the Coke I put in the Thermoses? The school might call you on this. Dinner may be a little late. I'm doing your door-to-door canvas for liver research. Your lunch is in refrigerator. Hope you like leftover chili.

Wednesday A.M.
Dear Doris: Why in the name of all that is sane would you put soap powder in the flour canister! If you have time, could you please come up with a likely spot for Chris's missing shoes? We've checked the clothes hamper, garage, back seat of the car and wood box. Did you know the school has a ruling on bedroom slippers? There's some cold pizza for you on a napkin in the oven drawer. Will be late tonight. Driving eight Girl Scouts to tour meatpacking house.

Thursday A.M.
Doris: Don't panic over water in hallway. It crested last night at 9 P.M. Will finish laundry tonight. Please pencil in answers to following:
1. How do you turn on the garbage disposal?
2. Why would that rotten kid leave his shoes in his boots?
3. How do you remove a Confederate flag inked on the palm of a small boy's hand?
4. What do you do with leftovers when they begin to snap at you when you open the door? I don't know what you're having for lunch! Surprise me!

Friday A.M.
Hey: Don't drink from pitcher by the sink. Am trying to restore pink dress shirt to original white. Take heart. Tonight, the ironing will be folded, the house cleaned and the dinner on time. I called your mother.

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Here is today's One-liner

One-liner #0940

picrture of wireless routerIf you want to call a family meeting just turn off the WiFi router and wait in the room in which it is located.

Here is today's CleanPun

Drafts Folder

windows logoEvery time I click on my drafts folder a window opens: it's cool!

Here is today's CleanQuote

Quote #1388

picture of Buddy Hackett"Don't carry a grudge. While you're carrying a grudge the other guy's out dancing." 
- Buddy Hackett

Here is today's Illustration

Volunteering

old farmerOne of those physical fitness club franchises was preparing to enter the international market. They placed ads in newspapers all over the county for people who could represent them on a tour. The ad said:

"We're looking for five men in peak physical condition. Must be able to speak Spanish, French, Chinese, or Japanese. Must be knowledgeable about weights, aerobics, and at least two major sports."

The day after the ad appeared, a heavy old man of about 70 appeared in the offices of the fitness club. "I'm here about the ad," Morris said.

The bronzed Adonis behind the desk looked surprised, but decided to be polite. "Do you speak Spanish or French?" he asked Morris.

"Nope," the old man said.

"Chinese? Japanese?"

"No, both times."

"Know anything about weights or aerobic exercises?"

"Only that I wouldn't be caught dead with either one."

"How about sports?"

"I've never played anything more athletic than checkers."

"I see," the young man said. "Tell me something. So why did you come here?"

"To tell you personally to count me out!"

Featured Illustrations are items well suited for illustrating or inspiring a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.

The Cybersalt Digest is a ministry of Pastor Tim and Cybersalt

www.cybersalt.org

 
  1. The Cybersalt Digest - Issue #3976 - October 25, 2013
  2. The Cybersalt Digest - Issue #3975 - October 24, 2013
  3. The Cybersalt Digest - Issue #3974 - October 23, 2013
  4. The Cybersalt Digest - Issue #3973 - October 21, 2013

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