Cybersalt Digest Archive

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Cybersalt News

Oh look, Chicken Thursday!

Thank-you to everyone who is praying for Flower and helping her family. Flower is recovering from a fever which ended up in a trip to the doctor for a prescription.  She is having a follow-up visit today. It's a risk for her parents to go out on these outings because of the possibility of being picked up by the authorities. Updates about Flower and her family are posted at this link.

There is a new Christmas video in the FunBlog today. You might think some puppets singing the Christmas story to the tune of Bohemian Rhapsody would be kind of cheesy, but I think this is really well done! You can decide for yourself by watching "Bethlehem Rhapsody" at:
www.cybersalt.org/funblog/bethlehem-rhapsody 

Enjoy the rest of today's mailing!

~ Pastor Tim

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Today's CleanLaugh

Chocolate Night Before Christmas

The Chocolate Night Before Christmas

'Twas the night before Christmas and all round my hips
Were Fannie May candies that sneaked past my lips.
Fudge brownies were stored in the freezer with care
In hopes that my thighs would forget they were there.

While Mama in her girdle and I in chinstraps
Had just settled down to sugar-borne naps.
When out in the pantry there arose such a clatter
I sprang from my bed to see what was the matter.

Away to the kitchen I flew like a flash,
Tore open the icebox then threw up the sash.
The marshmallow look of the new-fallen snow
Sent thoughts of a binge to my body below.

When what to my wandering eyes should appear:
A marzipan Santa with eight chocolate reindeer!
That huge chunk of candy so luscious and slick
I knew in a second that I'd wind up sick.

The sweet-coated Santa, those sugared reindeer
I closed my eyes tightly but still I could hear;
On Pritzker, on Stillman, on weak one, on TOPS
A Weight Watcher dropout from sugar detox.

From the top of the scales to the top of the hall
Now dash away pounds now dash away all.
Dressed up in Lane Bryant from my head to nightdress
My clothes were all bulging from too much excess.

My droll little mouth and my round little belly,
They shook when I laughed like a bowl full of jelly.
I spoke not a word but went straight to my work
Ate all of the candy then turned with a jerk.

And laying a finger beside my heartburn
Gave a quick nod toward the bedroom I turned.
I eased into bed, to the heavens I cry--
If temptation's removed I'll get thin by and by.

And I mumbled again as I turned for the night
In the morning I'll starve... 'til I take that first bite!

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Today's One-liner

One-liner #1148

Regarding "Descriptions:"

This fact is clear to those who know it.

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Today's Clean Pun

Christmastime Separation

“Christmas: That time of year when mother has to separate the men from the toys.”

- Lee Daniel Quinn

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Today's Quote

Quote #1596

"A thousand times in history a baby has become a king, but only once in history did a King become a baby."

- Unknown

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Today's Illustration

A Christmas Prayer

Most Holy & Majestic Father,

There's so much "hype" around Christmas time. I have to admit that I enjoy all the jolly jingle and festive frolic as much as anyone. But, Lord, as I enter into the fast-paced season ahead, help me walk slowly and quietly.

Let me stop and listen to the angels sing of the greatest news ever told!

Let my heart, mind and soul join the chorus, "Glory in the Highest!! The Messiah has been born!"

Among all the bright sparkling lights and cheery holiday tunes, let my spirit travel once again toward Bethlehem to honor and worship Jesus, my King, The Prince of Peace, the Lord of Hosts, Mighty Counselor, Son of God, the Lamb. All Your love, mercy and power somehow made flesh in the tiny form of a humble baby born in a manger. Let me worship the only One who is able to take our sin away and reconcile men and women with God once again!

Amen

Featured Illustrations are items well suited for illustrating or inspiring a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.

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The Cybersalt Digest is a ministry of Pastor Tim and Cybersalt.org - a member of the Cybersalt family of sites.

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Cybersalt News

Sunday greetings everyone.

There is a new inspirational video on the Cybersalt site today. We should all strive to be as grateful as the little girl in "The Paperclip" at:
www.cybersalt.org/videos/the-paperclip

Also, Rev. James Snyder has figured out that part of being "merry" at Christmas is finding true rest. You can read "The Merrification of Christmas" at:
www.cybersalt.org/gods-penman/the-merrification-of-christmas 

Finally, please pray to Jesus for healing for a little girl named "Flower". She and her family are Pakistani Christians who have fled for their lives to Thailand. You can watch a brief video telling more about their story and Flower's need at:
www.pakistanevangelisticministries.org/pakistani-refugees-in-thailand/pray-for-flower 

Enjoy the rest of today's mailing!

~ Pastor Tim

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Today's CleanLaugh

Christmas Riches

Rick, my husband, and I had a hectic holiday schedule encompassing careers, teenagers, shopping, and all the required doings of the season.

Running out of time, I got the stationer to print our signature on our Christmas cards, instead of signing each one.

Soon we started getting cards from friends signed "The Modest Morrisons," "The Clever Clarks," and "The Successful Smiths."

Then it hit me.

I had mailed out a hundred cards neatly imprinted with "Happy Holidays from the Rich Armstrongs."

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Today's One-liner

One-liner #1147

Regarding "Descriptions:"

Words are incapable of describing what I am about to tell you.

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Today's Clean Pun

Christmastime

"Christmas is a time when lots of people get Santa-mental."

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Today's Quote

Quote #1595

"Where did i say that you should buy so much stuff to celebrate my birthday!?"

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Today's Illustration

1 Corinthians 13 for Christmas

If I speak in the tongues of Christmas materialism and greed but have not love, I am only a tinny Christmas song or an out of tune choir.

If I have the gift of knowing what Aunt Agatha will give me this year and can even understand last year's present, and if I have the faith that I won't get yet more socks and ties this year but have not love, I am nothing.

If I clear out the house and give everything to charity and my credit cards are snapped in half but have not love, what can I possibly gain?

Love is patient when the fourth store you've tried doesn't have a bottle garden.

Love is kind and lets the couple with only a few items go in front of you and your bulging shopping cart.

Love does not envy your friend who gets mega-presents from everybody.

Love does not boast about the $1200 bike, the ipad, the TV, cell phone, and computer your dad gave you.

Love does not attempt to out-buy, out-wrap, and out-give the rest of the family just to impress.

Love doesn't cut Aunt Flo off your Christmas card list because she forgot you last year.

Love is not self-seeking and leaves a copy of your Christmas list in every room of the house.

Love is not easily angered when the young girl at the checkout takes forever because she is just temporary staff.

Love doesn't keep remembering how many times your mum forgets you don't like brussel sprouts.

Love does not delight in the commercial bandwagon but rejoices with the truth of a baby born in the stable.

Love always protects the family from Christmas hype.

Love always trusts that the hiding places for presents will remain secret for another year.

Love always hopes that this year more neighbors will drop in to your open house coffee morning.

Love always perseveres until the cards are written, the presents all bought, the shopping done, and the Christmas cake iced.

Toys may break, socks wear thin but love never fails.

Where there is the feeling of the presents to guess their contents, and mum going on about being good so Father Christmas will come, and searching through the cupboards to find your hidden presents, they will all stop.

For we think we know what we are getting, and we hope we know what we are getting but when Christmas Day arrives all will be revealed.

When I was a child I talked with big wide-open eyes about Christmas, thought that Christmas was all about me; I reasoned that Jesus should have been born more often. When I became an adult, I forgot the joy, wonder, and excitement of this special time.

Now we just hear about the angels, shepherds, and wise men, then we shall see them all the time. Now I know as much as the Bible says about the first Christmas, then I shall know just how many wise men there were and where they came from.

Now three things remain to be done:

To have faith that the baby born in a stable is the Son of God.

To hope that the true message of Christmas will not get discarded with the wrapping paper and unwanted gifts.

And the most important: to have a love for others like the one that God has for us.

Copyright 2001 Claire Jordan, Permission is granted to send this to others, but not for commercial purposes. 

Featured Illustrations are items well suited for illustrating or inspiring a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.

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The Cybersalt Digest is a ministry of Pastor Tim and Cybersalt.org - a member of the Cybersalt family of sites.

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Cybersalt News

Oh look, Chicken Thursday!

It's that time of the year again for a couple of my pet peeves.  One is Christians being all rude and snooty about keeping Christ in Christmas. Of course I want keep Christ in Christmas, but let's not be jerks about how we argue for it.  

Another pet peeve is the returning echo of people saying the story of Jesus is simply an adaptation of other stories of other "gods" before him. I've added a video to Cybersalt that take a fun look at those claims. You'll find "Horus Ruins Christmas" at:
www.cybersalt.org/videos/horus-ruins-christmas

Enjoy the rest of today's mailing!

~ Pastor Tim

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Today's CleanLaugh

Husband and Wife Christmas Shopping

A couple were in a busy shopping center just before Christmas. The wife suddenly noticed that her husband was missing and as they had a lot to do, she called him on her mobile phone.

The wife said, " Where are you? You know we have lots to do."

He said, "Do you remember the jewelers we went into about 10 years ago, and you fell in love with that diamond necklace? I could not afford it at the time and I said that one day I would get it for you?"

Little tears started to flow down her cheek and she got all choked up…

"Yes, I do remember that shop," she replied.

"Well, I am in the gun shop next door to that."

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Today's One-liner

One-liner #1146

Regarding "Eternal Truths:"

No two things are the same, no matter how you look at them.

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Today's Clean Pun

Christmas Assault

Aggressive Carolers: Wassailants

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Today's Quote

Quote #1594

Want to keep Christ in Christmas?

Feed the hungry, cloth the naked, forgive the guilty, welcome the stranger and the unwanted child, care for the ill, love your enemies.

- Steve Maraboli 

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Today's Illustration

Family, Holiday Visits

A minister well known for his beautiful singing voice came home visibly upset after consulting with a new widow about funeral plans for her recently deceased husband. His wife asked him what was wrong, and he revealed that the wife had asked him to sing her husband's favorite song, "Jingle Bells," at the funeral.

He was troubled that it wasn't appropriate to the solemn occasion. He struggled and prayed about it, and finally decided to honor the grieving widow's wishes.

At the funeral, still sensitive about how some of the mourners might react to hearing "Jingle Bells" at a funeral, he carefully introduced the song with words about appreciating the sense of humor and lightheartedness of the deceased.

The widow had been very tearful during the service. Hearing the introduction to her late husband's "favorite song" she sat up and began to appear quite interested. As the preacher began the song, the widow began to smile, and her tears dried up.

She was actually giggling as he concluded, and he felt glad he'd decided to honor her request since it obviously had been so comforting.

After the service she thanked the pastor for sharing his music ministry, and with a big grin she added, "By the way, the favorite song I requested was 'When They Ring Those Golden Bells!'"

Featured Illustrations are items well suited for illustrating or inspiring a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.

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The Cybersalt Digest is a ministry of Pastor Tim and Cybersalt.org - a member of the Cybersalt family of sites.

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Cybersalt News

Sunday greetings everyone.

Is Rev. James Snyder as eccentric his wife thinks or is he just trying to find his purpose in life? You can decide for yourself by reading "Some Things Are Just Personal" at:
www.cybersalt.org/gods-penman/some-things-are-just-personal

There is a new inspirational video on the Cybersalt today. Are you up to joining the Advent Conspiracy? You can find out more at:
www.cybersalt.org/videos/advent-conspiracy 

Enjoy the rest of today's mailing!

~ Pastor Tim

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Today's CleanLaugh

Preparing For Ski Season

Ski season will be here soon! Hence, the following list of exercises to get you prepared:

16. Visit your local butcher and pay $30 to sit in the walk-in freezer for a half an hour. Afterwards, burn two $50 dollar bills to warm up.

15. Soak your gloves and store them in the freezer after every use.

14. Fasten a small, wide rubber band around the top half of your head before you go to bed each night.

13. If you wear glasses, begin wearing them with glue smeared on the lenses.

12. Throw away a hundred dollar bill - now.

11. Find the nearest ice rink and walk across the ice 20 times in your ski boots carrying two pairs of skis, accessory bag and poles. Pretend you are looking for your car. Sporadically drop things.

10. Place a small but angular pebble in your shoes, line them with crushed ice, and then tighten a C-clamp around your toes.

9. Buy a new pair of gloves and immediately throw one away.

8. Secure one of your ankles to a bedpost and ask a friend to run into you at high speed.

7. Go to McDonald's and insist on paying $8.50 for a hamburger. Be sure you are in the longest line.

6. Clip a lift ticket to the zipper of your jacket and ride a motorcycle fast enough to make the ticket lacerate your face.

5. Drive slowly for five hours - anywhere - as long as it's in a snowstorm and you're following an 18-wheeler.

4. Fill a blender with ice, hit the pulse button and let the spray blast your face. Leave the ice on your face until it melts. Let it drip into your clothes.

3. Dress up in as many clothes as you can and then proceed to take them off because you have to go to the bathroom.

2. Slam your thumb in a car door. Don't go see a doctor.

1. Repeat all of the above every Saturday and Sunday until it's time for the real thing!

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Today's One-liner

One-liner #1145

Regarding "Eternal Truths:"

Show me an honest man and I'll show you a man who tells the truth.

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Today's Clean Pun

Weather Fail

I tried to catch fog yesterday. Mist!

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Today's Quote

Quote #1593

"Worry is believing God won't get it right."

- Todd Wagner | Toby Mac #SpeakLife

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Today's Illustration

Reasons Why My Children Do Not Need More Toys

By Tammy Rosenfeldt

~ They started off as babies who found my Tupperware drawer much more fascinating than their toy box.

~ The days I change the paper towel roll in the kitchen bring great excitement as they claim their new sword or telescope.

~ Their current toys are only exciting when I either reorganize them/put them neatly away or when I start my garage sale pile.

~ Who needs toys when jumping on my bed like the five little monkeys brings tears of laughter?

~ They are content to look at the clouds and find shapes - most recently Caleb claimed he saw Thomas the Engine. Really - just shouted it out while in the car.

~ To make one of them want to play with a toy, all I have to do is give it to the other one. Suddenly, that item becomes the best thing in the whole entire world.

~ The days I mop the kitchen floor and move the chairs into the living room are cause for adventure as they build tents and "dark, dark rooms."

~ A flashlight brings amusement to all for hours.

~ And my personal favorite - the other day they literally fought over who got to play with the fly swatter. I really wish I was kidding.

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Tammy's blog, Tales from a Stay-at-Home Mom:

http://www.tjrosenfeldt.blogspot.com

Copyright 2010 Tammy Rosenfeldt. Permission is granted to send this to others, with attribution, but not for commercial purposes.

Featured Illustrations are items well suited for illustrating or inspiring a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.

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The Cybersalt Digest is a ministry of Pastor Tim and Cybersalt.org - a member of the Cybersalt family of sites.