Cybersalt News
Oh look, Chicken Thursday - the last one before Christmas so it has been SUPERsized!
Yesterday was the shortest day of the year for us Northern Hemispherical types. It's a fitting reminder that Christmas can be a very dim and dark time for many. If that rings true in your life this year Susan and I pray that the grace and peace of Jesus will flood and guard your heart - regardless of the reason. May God be merciful to all us sinners!
The newest Funny Christmas picture on the Cybersalt site is actually of Grandma Cybersalt's and my granddaughter Eleanor. This is her picture picture with Santa this year. Needless to say, she wanted her mom - or was it something else she saw that was concerning her? You can decide by checking out "Christmas Sniper" at:
www.cybersalt.org/funny-christmas-pictures/christmas-sniper
I normally let you know on Sundays when my sermons have been updated online, but since Christmas is but a few days away and Christmas sermons usually have a shelf life this time of year, you can find all my online Christmas sermons at:
www.westsidefamily.org/christmas
Speaking of "Best Before Christmas" content, here are some other links to Christmas themed material:
Christmas Puns:
http://www.cybersalt.org/tag/1091-christmas-puns
Christmas Jokes:
www.cybersalt.org/entertainment/clean-jokes/christmas-jokes
Christmas Cartoons:
www.cybersalt.org/tag/1090-christmas-cartoons
Christmas Quotes:
www.cybersalt.org/tag/544-christmas-quotes
Christmas Videos:
www.cybersalt.org/tag/1088-christmas-videos
Christmas Devotionals:
www.cybersalt.org/tag/86-christmas-devotionals
Remember, on some of those tag pages you need to click the title to see the whole item.
Enjoy the rest of today's mailing!
~ Pastor Tim
Today's CleanLaugh
1. Instead of milk and cookies, leave him a salad and a note explaining that you think he could stand to lose a few pounds.
2. While he's in the house, go find his sleigh and write him a speeding ticket.
3. Leave him a note explaining that you've gone away for the holidays. Ask if he would mind watering your plants.
4. While he's in the house, replace all his reindeer with exact replicas. Then wait and see what happens when he tries to get them to fly.
5. Keep an angry bull in your living room. If you think a bull goes crazy when he sees a little red cape, wait until he sees that big, red Santa suit!
6. Leave a note by the telephone telling Santa that Mrs. Claus called and wanted to remind him to pick up some milk and a loaf of bread on his way home.
7. Throw a surprise party for Santa when he comes down the chimney. Refuse to let him leave until that huge cake arrives.
8. While he's in the house, find the sleigh and sit in it. As soon as he comes back and sees you, tell him that he shouldn't have missed that last payment, and take off.
9. Leave a plate filled with cookies and a glass of milk out with a note that says, "For The Tooth Fairy ????" Leave another plate out with half a stale cookie and a few drops of skim milk in a dirty glass with a note that says, "For Santa ????"
10. Take everything out of your house as if it's just been robbed. When Santa arrives, show up dressed like a policeman and say, "Well, well. They always return to the scene of the crime."
11. Leave out a copy of your Christmas list with last-minute changes and corrections.
12. Leave Santa a note explaining that you've moved. Include a map with unclear and hard-to-read directions to your new house.
13. Paint "hoof-prints" all over your face and clothes. While he's in the house, go out on the roof. When he comes back up, act like you've been "trampled." Threaten to sue.
Today's One-liner
Did you know, chocolate makes your clothes shrink!?
Today's Clean Pun
Some of these are horrible. Enjoy!
What do they call Santa's helpers?
Subordinate Clauses
What do you call Santa Clause after he's fallen into a fireplace?
Krisp Kringle
Who sings "Love Me Tender" and makes Christmas toys?
Santa's little Elvis
Which of Santa's reindeers needs to mind his manners the most?
"Rude Olph"
What did the Gingerbread Man put on his bed?
A cookie sheet
What reindeer has the cleanest antlers?
Comet
What is the cow's holiday greeting?
Mooooory Christmas
What does Santa like to eat?
A jolly roll
Where do Santa's reindeer like to stop for lunch?
Deery Queen
What does Santa say when he is sick?
OH OH NO!
If athletes get athlete's foot, what do astronauts get?
Missile toe
How does Santa Claus take pictures?
With his North Pole-aroid
What do you call the fear of getting stuck while sliding down a chimney?
Santa Claus-trophbia
What do you call a cat on the beach at Christmas time?
Sandy Claws
Why does Santa Claus go down the chimney on Christmas Eve?
Because it soots him
What can Santa give away and still keep?
A cold
Why do giraffes get Christmas gifts every year?
They are so good that they'll stick their necks out for anyone.
Why did the elf push his bed into the fireplace?
He wanted to sleep like a log.
What do elves learn in school?
The Elf-abet!
What nationality is Santa Claus?
North Polish
Why does Scrooge love Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer?
Because every buck is dear to him.
What do you call a bunch of grandmasters of chess bragging about their games in a hotel lobby?
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer
How do sheep in Mexico say Merry Christmas?
Fleece Navidad!
What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus?
Claustrophobic
Why does Santa have 3 gardens?
So he can ho-ho-ho.
What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
Frostbite
What do you get when you cross an archer with a gift-wrapper?
Ribbon hood
What do snowmen eat for breakfast?
Snowflakes
What did Adam say on the day before Christmas?
It's Christmas, Eve
What did Tarzan sing at Christmas time?
Jungle Bells
Why was Santa's little helper depressed?
Because he had low elf esteem.
What is the difference between the Christmas alphabet and the ordinary alphabet?
The Christmas alphabet has No L.
Yule (sorry for that one) find more Christmas Puns at www.cybersalt.org/clean-puns/more-christmas-puns
Today's Quote
"Watch, O Lord, with those who wake, or watch, or weep tonight."
- St. Augustine
Today's Illustration
A message delivered to Houston's First Baptist Church on Sunday, Dec 24th, 2000
I was asked to share with you what Christmas means to me. In order to do that, I will begin with a brief history of my personal journey out of Hong Kong followed by four applications of what Christmas means to me as a result of that background. I pray this message will bless you in a special way.
I was born in the city of Hong Kong. I went to a mission school and accepted Jesus for the salvation of my soul at a young age. I remember going to the chapel every day at the age of 10, talking to God, longing to have more of Him but not knowing then that God reveals Himself in the Bible and that the only way to know God better was through studying His Word.
My mother was a humble woman. In many ways, all she had was God. As early as I can remember, I recall my mother's prayers and how she begged God to protect her children and to deliver our family to political freedom in the land of America.
My parent's petition to come to this country was denied. My siblings and I were granted exit visas because we had won full scholarships to American Universities.
My brother was the first to leave. Shortly before my sister and I were scheduled to leave, my mother became very depressed and I woke up one morning to find that she had taken her own life.
In the summer of 1974, at the age of 17, I remember boarding that plane for the United States with all my belongings in two suitcases. I waved goodbye to my Dad and felt my heart being ripped out as I watched him standing by the gate all alone, knowing that he would be returning to an empty house.
My only consolation was to think that he would come visit at Christmas and we would be united for a little while.
As the plane lifted off from the land in which I was born, I wrapped my arms around myself imagining it to be the arms of God, begging God to walk with me into my future. When I set foot on the free land of America, I was filled with euphoria at having reached the dream that began in my mother's heart. At the same time, I was filled with a grief that no words could describe.
On the outside, I appeared as if I had my act together. On the inside, I was like a drowning man grasping for straws because I was living on the fumes of my mother's memory and it is so hard to live a dream you dreamed together, when the person you dreamed the dream with is no longer with you.
I found myself asking, "What am I supposed to want to be?"
My father came to see me the Christmas after I left Hong Kong and I remember counting the days till his arrival. I learned that all the Christmas gifts under the tree could not compare to the gift of spending that week with my Dad. It was a sad day when I had to take my Dad back to the airport to board the plane for Hong Kong.
For years, I struggled with defining myself. I plunged into my academics, I got married, I was on a fast and furious track up the corporate ladder. I had my first son. Then I heard God's voice as clearly as if He were standing in this room and He said, "Follow Me!" I tried to negotiate but God had spoken. So I found myself leaving my corporate career to follow God to the land that He would show me.
While I was at home, I tried to transfer my corporate skills to managing the household. I thought, "How hard could this be?" So, I kept logs and logs of data on my baby. I recorded when he woke and when he slept. I recorded every bowel movement and I proceeded to plot that data in a chart on my computer, thinking there was some kind of pattern to this baby, not knowing then that babies have no pattern and once you figure it out, they'll change it on you.
It was while I was home with my sons, born nineteen months apart, that I was reading them a book by Carla Dijs titled, "Are you my Mommy?" The book is about a little chick that lost its way and goes around asking everyone, "Are you my Mommy?" The cat said, "No. I have fur and I like to pur."
The rabbit said, "No. I have ears and I like to hop." As I was reading this to my children, God opened my eyes to see that I had been trying to find her in all the faces that I met. Have you ever looked for a relationship in all the faces that you meet? The Lord met my need by bringing me to 2 Corinthians 5:17, "Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation…"
To my question, "Are you my Mommy?" the Lord Jesus said, "Yes, I am!"
Christmas to me means "Jesus came for me." My Mom was my best friend.
We dreamed of reaching the promised land of America together. We said that no matter how difficult things got, we would be all right because we had each other. When I woke up to find that she had taken her own life, all I could think of was, "You left. You promised you would never leave without me. But you left." Sometimes, people make promises they don't keep. Sometimes, they make promises they can't keep. But God taught me that I am not a victim of choices other people make. Though all abandon me, the Lord will take me up in His arms. Jesus came for me.
After my mother's funeral, I was packing up her belongings and found a biscuit box she had hidden. When I opened it, I found the last gift she gave me. It was diamonds she had invested in, with a note that said they were for my future in the United States and I was to sell them if I ever needed money.
I still have those pieces today. As sweet and meaningful as that gift was, I found it could not carry me through my life. My need was more than financial. Christmas to me means "God sent me Jesus because Jesus is the answer to all that I need." Jesus said in John 7:38, "Whoever believes in me, streams of living water will flow from within him." God is my dream maker. He is not a memory. I don't have to live on fumes. He lives in me and He is the gift that keeps on giving. My past cannot imprison me or limit me. Jesus is my lifeline and an unending source of power for my life.
The question is, "Do I believe it and will I receive it?"
Every chapter must have an end before a new chapter can begin. This was how the story with my mother ended: When I was a little girl, I promised my Mom I would get her out of Hong Kong before the Communist takeover.
Therefore, before Hong Kong returned to Communist China in 1997, I sent for my mother's ashes. For years, I dreaded the moment I would hold that urn in my hands, projecting that I would be thinking, "This wasn't the way I expected to bring her out." I remember sitting in my living room, unwrapping the brown padded parcel a friend had hand carried to me. In it was a white marble urn with the gold etched inscription of her name and the words, "Rest in Peace" To my surprise, when I pulled her urn close to me, I had a song in my heart and I was filled with praise over a God who, in His grace, remembered the prayers of a mother to protect her children, though she was not here to see it. Though she lost hope, God remained faithful. And I saw how God lowered His hand from heaven to handraise my mother's children for Himself so that all of us are not only politically free but we are spiritually free. To me, Christmas is God intercepting human history to give me His Son to take my suffering and to exchange it for His victory song.
Six months ago, my Dad and my step-mom moved to Houston, Texas. After 25 years, we are finally united. My brother and my sister and their families flew into Houston for Christmas and they are here this morning. We will be celebrating Christmas together and when the celebration is over, I won't have to take my Dad back to the airport. It took 25 years before God brought my Dad to Houston because God had to wean me off the dream that began in my mother's heart to give me His dream for me. It was after I was certain of my calling that it was then safe for God to unite me with my biological family.
For I was created by Him and for Him. In Galatians 4:4, God's Word said, "…when the time had fully come, God sent His Son…" Christmas to me means God will fulfill His purpose in His perfect timing.
In summary, to me:
- Christmas means "Jesus came for me."
- Christmas means "God sent Jesus because He is the answer to all that I need."
- Christmas means "God sent His Son to take my suffering and to exchange it for His victory song."
- Christmas means "God fulfills His purpose in His perfect timing."
This Christmas, I pray you will experience Christmas for all God meant it to be.
- by Anita Grace Lie Carman (This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it.
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Featured Illustrations are items well suited for illustrating or inspiring a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
The Cybersalt Digest is a ministry of Pastor Tim and Cybersalt.org - a member of the Cybersalt family of sites.
I hope your New Year is off to a better start than the New Management referred to in the newest funny sign on the Cybersalt site. You'll find it at:
I'm not saying that the customer service in my bank is bad, but when I went in the other day and asked the clerk to check my balance . . . .
I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford; then I'll move in with them.
What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their games in a hotel lobby?
I want to be a kid again. I want to go back to the time when...
This year, I resolve to...
"I have CDO; it's like OCD but all the letters are in alphabetical order ... as they should be."
What do you get when you cross a snowman and a vampire?
“If God had perceived that our greatest need was economic, he would have sent an economist.
You Know You Overdid Christmas Dinner When . . .
They should make an alarm clock that sounds like a cat getting ready to vomit; NOTHING makes you jump out of bed faster!
I can't remember what 51, 6 and 500 are in Roman numerals.
'Twas the day after Christmas and all through the room
The other night, three-year-old Billy was showing the Terracotta nativity scene in his living room to his stuffed dragon.
Mary glared at me
Some of you on this list will actually enjoy these - proof once again of the need for more therapists in the world, lol.
God is not served by human hands as though he needed anything (Acts 17:25). The gifts of the magi are not given by way of assistance or need-meeting. It would dishonor a monarch if foreign visitors came with royal care-packages.