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Cybersalt Digest Archive

The Cybersalt Digest - Issue #4132 - July 17, 2016

The Cybersalt Digest

Cybersalt News

coffee mondaySunday greetings everyone.

I know the graphic to the right says "Happy Monday" but that is because it belongs to newest devotional from Rev. James Snyder. It seems James recently had a week with more than one Monday and that left him longing for a perfect day.  You can read "How Many Mondays Are There in One Week?" at:
www.cybersalt.org/gods-penman/how-many-mondays-are-there-in-one-week 

Enjoy the rest of today's mailing!

~ Pastor Tim


Today's CleanLaugh

Dog Tricks

dog lazy*Mind Games You Can Play with Your Humans*

1. After your humans give you a bath, DON'T LET THEM TOWEL DRY YOU! Instead, run to their bed, jump up and dry yourself off on the sheets. This is especially good if it's right before your humans bedtime.

2. Act like a convicted criminal. When the humans come home, put your ears back, tail between your legs, chin down and act as if you have done something really bad. Then, watch as the humans frantically search the house for the damage they think you have caused. (Note: This only works when you have done absolutely nothing wrong.)

3. Let the humans teach you a brand new trick. Learn it perfectly. Then when the humans try to demonstrate it to someone else, stare blankly back at the humans. Pretend you have no idea what they're talking about.

4. Make your humans be patient. When you go outside to go 'pee,' sniff around the entire yard as your humans wait. Act as if the spot you choose to go pee will ultimately decide the fate of the earth.

5. Draw attention to the human. When out for a walk always pick the busiest, most visible spot to go 'poo.' Take your time and make sure everyone watches. This works particularly well if your humans have forgotten to bring a plastic bag.

6. When out for a walk, alternate between choking and coughing every time a strange human walks by.

7. Make your own rules. Don't always bring back the stick when playing fetch with the humans. Make them go and chase it once in a while.

8. Hide from your humans. When your humans come home, don't greet them at the door. Instead, hide from them, and make them think something terrible has happened to you. (Don't reappear until one of your humans is panic-stricken and close to tears.)

9. When your human calls you to come back in, always take your time. Walk as slowly as possible back to the door.

10. Wake up twenty minutes before the alarm clock is set to go off and make the humans take you out for your morning pee. As soon as you get back inside, fall asleep. (Humans can rarely fall back asleep after going outside, this will drive them nuts!)



The Cybersalt Digest is a ministry of Pastor Tim and Cybersalt.org - a member of the Cybersalt family of sites.

The Cybersalt Digest - Issue #4131 - July 16, 2016

The Cybersalt Digest

Cybersalt News

ss quantum levitationThere is a new addition to the FunBlog today; it's literally pretty cool! You'll find "Quantum Levitation" at:
www.cybersalt.org/funblog/quantum-levitation

Enjoy the rest of today's mailing!

~ Pastor Tim


Today's CleanLaugh

Helping Daddy

hammerOne day a young boy ran crying to his mother and rubbing his behind.

His mother said, "Bobby, why are you crying?"

"Because daddy hit his thumb with the hammer!" little Bobby wailed.

"Why, that's not something to cry over," his mother told him. "That should make you laugh."

Bobby rubbed his behind and said tearfully, "I DID laugh!"


Today's One-liner

One-liner #1074

dog5Sixty percent of pit bull attacks occur between tying the bandanna around its neck and putting the sunglasses on its face.



Today's Clean Pun

Grammar Camp

tentYou can’t run through a campground – you can only ran because it’s past tents.


Today's Quote

Quote #1522

quote 1522

"A crisis doesn’t make a man; it shows what a man is made of."

- Warren Wiersbe



Today's Illustration

Thinking Outside of the Box

stormThis is a moral/ethical dilemma that was once actually used as part of a job application.

You are driving along in your car on a wild, stormy night. You pass by a bus stop, and you see three people waiting for the bus:

  1. An old lady who looks as if she is about to die.
  2. An old friend who once saved your life.
  3. The perfect man (or woman) you have been dreaming about.

Which one would you choose to offer a ride to, knowing that there could only be one passenger in your car? Think before you continue reading. 

You could pick up the old lady because she is going to die, and thus you should save her first, or you could take the old friend because he once saved your life, and this would be the perfect chance to pay him back. However, you may never be able to find your perfect mate again.

The candidate who was hired (out of 200 applicants) had no trouble coming up with his answer.

WHAT DID HE SAY?

He answered: I would give the car keys to my old friend, and let him take the lady to the hospital. I would stay behind and wait for the bus with the woman of my dreams.

Featured Illustrations are items well suited for illustrating or inspiring a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.


The Cybersalt Digest is a ministry of Pastor Tim and Cybersalt.org - a member of the Cybersalt family of sites.

The Cybersalt Digest - Issue #4130 - July 15, 2016

The Cybersalt Digest

Cybersalt News

picture of dolphin fearThere is a new funny picture on the Cybersalt Site today. You'll find "Dolphin Fear" at:
www.cybersalt.org/funny-pictures/dolphin-fear 

Enjoy the rest of today's mailing!

~ Pastor Tim


Today's CleanLaugh

Car 34

snakeA young man is an avid listener to the city's police frequency, and he leaves the scanner on all the time.

One morning while making his bed, he heard the dispatcher say,

"Car 34, there is a five-foot boa constrictor in someone's front yard. The resident wants a police officer to come and remove it."

There was a long pause, then some static.

Slowly, a voice said, "We can't get the car started."


Today's One-liner

One-liner #1073

runnerNever bring a downhill run to an uphill battle.



Today's Clean Pun

Dr. Benchvorkian

shoppingBuyer Beware: Shopping malls have benches, so guys can sit while they give up the will to live.


Today's Quote

Quote #1521

quote 1521

"Leaders who refuse to listen will eventually be surrounded by people who have nothing helpful to say."

- Andy Stanley



Today's Illustration

Coveting

parking lot2While walking through a parking lot, I tripped and fell flat on my face. As I was lying there, a woman stopped her car and called out, "Are you hurt?"

"No, I'm fine," I said.

"Oh, good," she continued. "Will you be vacating your parking space now?"

Featured Illustrations are items well suited for illustrating or inspiring a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.


The Cybersalt Digest is a ministry of Pastor Tim and Cybersalt.org - a member of the Cybersalt family of sites.

The Cybersalt Digest - Issue #4129 - July 14, 2016

The Cybersalt Digest

Cybersalt News

Oh look, Chicken Thursday!

cat cookie thiefMrs. Cybersalt and I are back from our time away focussing on the tasks and goals that kept us very busy from June 1 to July 6. During those 36 days, we travelled approximately 13,400km or 8350 miles by land, air, sea and even rail!

A large chunk of that travel was from Victoria to Banff and back for our denomination's national conference. The drive was wonderful and the conference was great - I think many of you would enjoy watching/listening to our main speaker (especially session #2) at:
www.agcofcanada.com/events/national-conference-2016 

With the return to our regular Cybersalt schedule, I am happy to let you know there is a new funny cat page on the Cybersalt site. You'll find "Cat Cookie Thief" at:
www.cybersalt.org/funny-cat-pictures/cat-cookie-thief 

Enjoy the rest of today's mailing! ~ Pastor Tim


Today's CleanLaugh

Politically Correct Cat Terms

cat lying downPolitically correct terms for cat owners:

- My cat does not barf hairballs, he is a floor/rug re-decorator.

- My cat does not break things, she helps gravity do its job.

- My cat does not fear dogs, they are merely sprint practice tools.

- My cat does not gobble, she eats with alacrity.

- My cat does not scratch, he is a furniture/rug/skin ventilator.

- My cat is not a "shedding machine," she is a hair relocation stylist.

- My cat is not a "treat-seeking missile," she enjoys the proximity of food.

- My cat is not a chatterbox, she is advising me on what to do next.

- My cat is not a dope addict, she is catnip appreciative.

- My cat is not a ruthless hunter, she is a wildlife control expert.

- My cat is not evil, she is badness enhanced.

- My cat is not fat, he is mass enhanced.

- My cat is not hydrophobic, she has an inability to appreciate moisture.

- My cat is not underfoot, she is shepherding me to my next destination
(which should always be the food dish).


Today's One-liner

One-liner #1072

auto mechanicI'm ready to be a parent because I just told the oil change guy "no" 15 times in 30 seconds.



Today's Clean Pun

Summer Reading

book1Just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome; it started off badly but by the end I really liked it.


Today's Quote

Quote #1520

quote 1520

"People ask me, 'Why pray if God is sovereign?' I respond, 'Why pray if He isn't?'"

- Michael Horton



Today's Illustration

The Intolerable Compliment

c s lewis“We are, not metaphorically but in very truth, a Divine work of art, something that God is making, and therefore something with which He will not be satisfied until it has a certain character.

Here again, we come up against what I have called the 'intolerable compliment.'

Over a sketch made idly to amuse a child, an artist may not take much trouble: he may be content to let it go even though it is not exactly as he meant it to be.

But over the great picture of his life - the work which he loves, though in a different fashion, as intensely as a man loves a woman or a mother a child - he will take endless trouble - and would doubtless, thereby give endless trouble to the picture if it were sentient.

One can imagine a sentient picture, after being rubbed and scraped and re-commenced for the tenth time, wishing that it were only a thumb-nail sketch whose making was over in a minute.  

In the same way, it is natural for us to wish that God had designed for us a less glorious and less arduous destiny; but then we are wishing not for more love but for less.” 

― C.S. Lewis, The Problem of Pain

Featured Illustrations are items well suited for illustrating or inspiring a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.


The Cybersalt Digest is a ministry of Pastor Tim and Cybersalt.org - a member of the Cybersalt family of sites.

The Cybersalt Digest - Issue #4128 - July 7, 2016

The Cybersalt Digest

Cybersalt News

Oh look, Chicken Thursday!

Happy July everyone. Yes I know it has been July for 7 days, but Mrs. Cybersalt and I have been super busy as we said we would be until "earlyish" in July.  Daily mailings will be resuming very shortly.

Enjoy the rest of today's mailing! ~ Pastor Tim


Today's CleanLaugh

Lock Jaw

veterinarianIn one small rural town the sheriff also fulfilled the role of the town's veterinarian.

One night the phone rang, and his wife answered.

An agitated voice inquired, "Is your husband there?"

"He is, but tell me, do you need him as the sheriff or the vet?" the wife asked.

"Both!" was the reply.

"We can't get our dog's mouth open, and there's a burglar in it."


Today's One-liner

One-liner #1071

dog oliver"Money will buy you a pretty good dog, but it won't buy the wag of his tail." -  Unknown



Today's Clean Pun

Hamburger Help

hamburger helperHamburger Helper: It works, but only if the hamburger is ready to accept the fact that it needs help.


Today's Quote

Quote 1519

quote 1519

Legalistic remorse says, "I broke God's rules," while real repentance says, "I broke God's heart."

- Tim Keller



Today's Illustration

Remembrance

balloons2The staff at a business office was hosting a farewell luncheon for a retiring colleague. As the group prepared to go to the restaurant, they found that they couldn't fit the giant balloon they had purchased for the retiring 'guest of honor' into the car. Undaunted, they simply held the balloon out the window as they drove.

The office workers were not prepared for the glares they received from passers-by, however.

As the long line of traffic in front of their vehicle began to turn, they saw that their car was right behind a long funeral procession.

There was nothing they could do but hold on to the balloon with its large farewell message: "GONE, BUT NOT FORGOTTEN."

Featured Illustrations are items well suited for illustrating or inspiring a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.


The Cybersalt Digest is a ministry of Pastor Tim and Cybersalt.org - a member of the Cybersalt family of sites.

  1. The Cybersalt Digest - Issue #4127 - June 30, 2016
  2. The Cybersalt Digest - Issue #4126 - June 23, 2016
  3. The Cybersalt Digest - Issue #4125 - June 16, 2016
  4. The Cybersalt Digest - Issue #4124 - June 10, 2016

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