Cybersalt Digest Archive

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 In Today's Issue

Cybersalt News

There is a new funny dog picture on the Cybersalt site today.  You will find "Hush Puppy" at:
www.cybersalt.org/3ruu

Enjoy the rest of today's mailing!

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Today's CleanLaugh

Goober Airlines

If you are wondering what a Goober is, there is a picture of one at: www.cybersalt.org/3ruk

Goober airlines, Flight 101, is coming in for a landing, and the pilot is freaking out. The sweat is jumping off his brow.

The plane lands and comes to a screeching halt.

He turns to the co-pilot, and he says, "Man, that is the shortest runway I ever landed on."

The co-pilot says, "Yeah, and so wide!"

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Today's One-liner

One-liner #0952

I don’t want to be a millionaire, I just want enough money to be able to stare off into the distance while pumping gas.

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Today's Clean Pun

Spring Air

Spring is in air.

I really have to stop trying to fix my own watch.

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Today's Quote

Quote #1400

"The God who created us is better than the God we've created."

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Today's Illustration

Self-Consciousness at the Gym

I was self-conscious about going to the gym, because I thought the pounds I had put on would make me stand out among the spandex-clad regulars. I chose a treadmill in the corner so I'd be inconspicuous.

However, as I exercised, my worst fears came true. At least a dozen people turned to stare at me periodically. I thought it might be my imagination, but then one woman even squinted to get a better look.

Mortified, I stepped off the machine to leave. When I turned around, I realized that the gym's only wall clock had been hanging just inches above my head.

Featured Illustrations are items well suited for illustrating or inspiring a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.

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The Cybersalt Digest is a ministry of Pastor Tim and Cybersalt.org - a member of the Cybersalt family of sites.

 

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 In Today's Issue

Cybersalt News

Oh look, Chicken Thursday!

Thank you to everyone for your comments about the www.independentsportsnews.com web site that I have been helping develop these last number of months.  For those who know me, I'm not a huge sports guy - though there are a couple I enjoy watching.  However, that doesn't mean I can't add my own flare to ISN's site content.  I've started a sports-themed "Just For Fun" area on the site.  Here's a couple of pages I've already added:

Combining Sports - www.independentsportsnews.com/ky
Pole Vaulting Variation - www.independentsportsnews.com/xu
Cover Up Lesson - www.independentsportsnews.com/xy

There is also a new entry in the FunBlog today.  You will find "Christian Tingle" at:
www.cybersalt.org/funblog/christian-tingle

Enjoy the rest of today's mailing!

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Today's CleanLaugh

Rejected Rejection

Re: Rejected Rejection

Dear Ms. Ezell:

Thank you for your letter of July 17. After careful consideration I regret to inform you that I am unable to accept your refusal to offer me employment with your firm. This year I have been particularly fortunate in receiving an unusually large number of rejection letters. With such a varied and promising field of corporate candidates it is impossible for me to accept all refusals for employment.

Despite your company's outstanding qualifications and previous experience in rejecting applicants, I find that your rejection does not meet with my needs at this time. Therefore, I will initiate employment with your firm immediately following graduation.

I look forward to seeing you then.

Best of luck in rejecting future candidates.

Sincerely, Marc Taylor

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Today's One-liner

One-liner #0951

I love you more than coffee, but not always before coffee.

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Today's Clean Pun

Sheep Bullets

Sheep may safely graze: bullets may not.

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Today's Quote

Quote #1399

"The degree to which we understand the depth of our own forgiveness is the degree to which we'll forgive others."

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Today's Illustration

Addicted to Smoking

MIDDLESBROUGH, England - Yvonne Stubbs has decided to give up smoking, not for health reasons, but to help cure her pet dog's 20-a-day addiction to cigarettes.

Her dog Patch, a Jack Russell, immediately attacks the ash tray when she puts out a cigarette. He is addicted to chewing the tobacco and likes to spit out the filters. If Patch goes for too long without a cigarette, he whines and makes begging noises until he gets what he wants.

His owner has even considered getting him a nicotine patch. "I don't begrudge anybody a cigarette, but this is ridiculous. He doesn't like whole cigarettes, just the ends.

I would try nicotine patches on him, but I don't know where I'd put them and he'd just scratch them off," said Stuffs.

In the meantime, she and her daughter are trying to stop smoking to encourage Patch to give up the habit as well.

Featured Illustrations are items well suited for illustrating or inspiring a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.

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The Cybersalt Digest is a ministry of Pastor Tim and Cybersalt.org - a member of the Cybersalt family of sites.

 

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 In Today's Issue

Cybersalt News

Greetings and salutations from the land of the lost - well the land of the lost in other things that is!

Some of you have been inquiring about where on earth I am and wondering if something has happened to me.  The answer is, I am right here and I'm OK (well I have been on crutches the last 2 days but that is unrelated.) I've actually been working on a huge project with a friend the last 4 months.

The project has been modernizing a huge website - Independent Sports News. Independent Sports News aims to be the leading source of amateur and community level sports news from around the world.  It's a big site for the little guys.  The updated site is really coming together nicely to the point where I have a bit of breathing room to return to some of my own Cybersalt Stuff. It would be really encouraging to my friend and I if you'd drop by the site and check it out at www.independentsportsnews.com

Enjoy the rest of today's mailing!

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Today's CleanLaugh

Hawaii or Havaii

These two persons are discussing whether the state of Hawaii is pronounced 'Havaii,' or 'Hawaii.'

So there they stood arguing and arguing, until they decided to ask a person that was walking by. So they asked a gentleman: 'Excuse me sir, is Hawaii pronounced 'Hawaii' or 'Havaii?''

The gentleman said, 'Havaii.'

So they both looked at each other, and as the gentleman was leaving, one of the two said to him, 'Thank you.'

The gentleman replied by saying, 'You're velcome.'

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The Cybersalt Digest is a ministry of Pastor Tim and Cybersalt.org - a member of the Cybersalt family of sites.

 

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 In Today's Issue

Cybersalt News

It has been almost 4 weeks since I last mailed out the Cybersalt Digest and Pearlygates newsletters. I've been working on a bunch of web projects for people this month.  There is one in particular I'd really like you to take a moment to consider today.

In my community, 4-year-old girl named Hannah Day is in a pretty major battle with the 2nd cancer of her young life. Like 20,000 people around the world, Hannah needs a stem cell donor.  Could you please help in the search for a matched donor?

The first thing everyone can do is help get the word out by sharing the following link on your social media networks: www.hannahday.ca/hannah-and-the-bear

A second thing many can do is register with a stem cell and bone marrow registry in your country (www.hannahday.ca/internationalhope). Each country has its own requirements (in Canada the age bracket is 17-35), but all are linked internationally so you might end up helping save the life of someone near or far from you.  Registering involves having a kit mailed to you, a simple cheek swab, and then the return mailing of your kit.

If you are not eligible to be a donor, please encourage someone who is to sign up.

People who are waiting for news of a matched donor need our prayers, but don't pray until you find out if you are an eligible donor and, if you are, have signed up.  Remember, faith without works is dead.

Enjoy the rest of today's mailing.

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Today's CleanLaugh

How Cold is it?

An annotated thermometer:

(degrees Fahrenheit, then Celsius)

+50 / +10
* New York tenants turn on the heat
* Thunder Bayites plant gardens

+40 / +4
* Californians shiver uncontrollably
* Canadians sunbathe

+35 / +2
* Italian cars don't start

+32 / 0
* Distilled water freezes

+30 / -1
* You can see your breath
* You plan a vacation in Florida
* Politicians begin to worry about the homeless
* Thunder Bayites eat ice cream

+25 / -4
* Boston water freezes
* Californians weep pitiably
* Cat insists on sleeping on your bed with you

+20 / -7
* Cleveland water freezes
* San Franciscans start thinking favourably of LA
* Green Bay Packers fans put on T-shirts

+15 / -10
* You plan a vacation in Acapulco
* Cat insists on sleeping in your bed with you
* Thunder Bayites go swimming

+10 / -12
* Politicians begin to talk about the homeless
* Too cold to snow
* You need jumper cables to get the car going

0 / -18
* New York landlords turn on the heat
* Sheboygan brats grilled on the patio, yum!

-5 / -21
* You can hear your breath
* You plan a vacation in Hawaii

-10 / -23
* American cars don't start
* Too cold to skate

-15 / -26
* You can cut your breath and use it to build an igloo
* Miamians cease to exist
* Canadians lick flagpoles

-20 / -29
* Cat insists on sleeping in your pyjamas with you
* Politicians actually do something about the homeless
* People in LaCrosse think about taking down screens

-25 / -32
* Too cold to kiss
* You need jumper cables to get the driver going
* Japanese cars don't start
* Milwaukee Brewers head for spring training

-30 / -34
* You plan a two-week hot bath
* Pilsener freezes
* Bock beer production begins
* Thunder Bayites shovel snow off roof

-38 / -39
* Mercury freezes
* Too cold to think
* Canadians button top button

-40 / -40
* Californians disappear
* Car insists on sleeping in your bed with you
* Thunder Bayites put on sweaters

-50 / -46
* Congressional hot air freezes
* Alaskans close the bathroom window
* Green Bay Packers practice indoors

-60 / -51
* Walruses abandon Aleutians
* Sign on Mount St. Helens: "Closed for the Season"
* Thunder Bayites put gloves away, take out mittens
* Boy Scouts in Eau Claire start Klondike Derby

-70 / -57
* Glaciers in Central Park
* Hudson residents replace diving boards with hockey nets
* Green Bay snowmobilers organize trans-lake race to Sault Ste.
Marie

-80 / -62
* Polar bears abandon Baffin Island
* Rhinelander Birkebeiner
* Girl Scouts in Eau Claire start Klondike Derby

-90 / -68
* Edge of Antarctica reaches Rio de Janeiro
* Lawyers chase ambulances for no more than 10 miles
* Minnesotans migrate to Wisconsin thinking it MUST be warmer

-100 / -73
* Santa Claus abandons North Pole
* Canadians pull down earflaps

-173 / -114
* Ethyl alcohol freezes
* Only Door County cherries usable in brandy Manhattans

-297 / -183
* Oxygen precipitates out of atmosphere
* Microbial life survives only on dairy products

-445 / -265
*Superconductivity

-452 / -269
*Helium becomes a liquid

-454 / -270
*Hell freezes over

-456 /-271
*Illinois drivers drop below 85 MPH on I-90

-458 / -272
*Incumbent politician renounces a campaign contribution

-460 / -273 (Absolute Zero)
*All atomic motion ceases
*Canadians allow as to how it's getting a mite nippy.

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Today's One-liner

One-liner #950

I want to grow my own food but I can’t find any bacon seeds.

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Today's Clean Pun

Water Bills

They should send "Get Well Soon" cards to people who forgot to pay their water bill.

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Today's Quote

Quote #1398

The idea that all men are created equal loses everything if you believe that men were not created.

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Today's Illustration

Bedside Manner

The doctor was making her rounds and walked into the semi-private room in the hospital to examine old Mrs. Williams.

After the exam in his best professional voice, she said smoothly, "You are coughing much more easily this morning."

"I should," snapped the patient, "I've been practicing all night."

Featured Illustrations are items well suited for illustrating or inspiring a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.

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The Cybersalt Digest is a ministry of Pastor Tim and Cybersalt.org - a member of the Cybersalt family of sites.