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Cybersalt News

Sunday greetings everyone!

Rev. James Snyder might not be as quick at spotting a Nigerian email scam as his wife is - maybe. You can read, "Hallelujah, It IS a Scam" at:
www.cybersalt.org/gods-penman/hallelujah-it-is-a-scam

Enjoy the rest of today's mailing!

~ Pastor Tim

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Today's CleanLaugh

Martha's Way vs. My Way #2

Martha's way: If you accidentally over salt a dish while it's still cooking, drop in a peeled potato and it will absorb the excess salt for an instant "fix me up"

My way: If you over salt a dish while you are cooking, that's just too bad. My motto is, I made it and you will eat it and I don't care how bad it tastes.

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Martha's way: To easily remove burnt-on food from your skillet, simply add a drop or two of dish soap and enough water to cover bottom of pan, and bring to a boil on stove top.

My way: Eat out every night and avoid cooking.

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Martha's way: To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the potatoes.

My way: Buy Hungry Jack mashed potato mix and keep it in the pantry for up to a year.

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Martha's way: To prevent egg shells from cracking, add a pinch of salt to the water before hard boiling.

My way: Who cares if they crack, aren't you going to take the shells off anyway?

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Martha's way: To get the most juice out of fresh lemons, bring them to room temperature and roll them under your palm against the kitchen counter before squeezing.

My way: Buy the lemon or lime juice that is in the little plastic lemon or lime.

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Martha's way: Now look what you can do with Alka-Seltzer.

*Clean a toilet. Drop in two Alka-Seltzer tablets, wait twenty minutes, brush and flush. The citric acid and effervescent action clean vitreous china.

*Clean a vase. To remove a stain from the bottom of a glass vase fill with water and drop in two Alka-Seltzer tablets.

*Polish jewelry. Drop two Alka-Seltzer tablets into a glass of water and immerse the jewelry for two minutes.

*Clean a thermos bottle. Fill the bottle with water, drop in four Alka-Seltzer tablets, and let soak for an hour (or longer, if necessary).

My way: Put your jewelry, vases, and thermos in the toilet. Add some Alka-Seltzer and you have solved a whole bunch of problems at once.

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Today's One Liner

One-liner #1308

Ever consider what dogs must think of us? I mean, here we come back from a grocery store with the most amazing haul - chicken, port, half a cow. They must think we're the greatest hunters on earth!

- Anne Tyler

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Today's Clean Pun

Anger by the Numbers

I can't remember how to write 51, 6, and 500 in Roman numerals.

I am LIVID!

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Today's Quote

Quote #1749

"Kind words do not cost much. Yet they accomplish much."

- Blaise Pascal

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Today's Illustration

Who Is This?

In chemistry, He turned water into wine.
In biology, He was born without the normal conception.
In physics, He disapproved the law of gravity when He ascended into heaven.
In economics, He disapproved the law of diminishing return by feeding 5,000 men with two fishes and 5 loaves of bread.
In medicine, He cured the sick and the blind without administering a single dose of drugs.
In history, He is the beginning and the end.
In government, He said that he shall be called Wonderful Counselor, Prince of Peace.
In religion, He said no one comes to the Father except through him; So. Who is He?

He is Jesus! The greatest man in history.

Jesus had no servants, yet they called Him Master.
He had no degree, yet they called Him Teacher.
He had no medicines, yet they called Him Healer.
He had no army, yet kings feared Him.
He won no military battles, yet He conquered the world.
He committed no crime, yet they crucified Him.
He was buried in a tomb, yet He lives today.

Featured Illustrations are items well suited for illustrating or inspiring a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.

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The Cybersalt Digest is a ministry of Pastor Tim and Cybersalt.

  Issue #4378    

 

   

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Cybersalt News

Oh look, Chicken Thursday!

Enjoy the rest of today's mailing! 

~ Pastor Tim

     

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Today's CleanLaugh

Things You May Hear Just Before Unemployment

- I don't know what we'll do without you, but we are going to try!

- We told everyone you are leaving because of illness. The truth is I'm sick of you.

- It's not that you aren't a responsible worker. In fact, you've been responsible for more disasters than anyone else in the place.

- Today I'm going to mix business with pleasure. You're fired!

- I've got good news for you. You won't have to worry about being late for work ever again.

- Tell me - how long have you been with us not counting tomorrow?

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Today's One Liner

One-liner #1307

Laughter is the best medicine - unless you have diarrhea.

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Today's Clean Pun

Synonym Challenge

Just bought a thesaurus at the store and brought it home to find out the pages are all blank. I have no words to describe how angry I am.

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Today's Quote

Quote #1748

"Blowing out someone else's candle does not make yours shine any brighter."

- Toby Mac #SpeakLife

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Today's Illustration

Selfless Dedication

In a small town in America, there was a Doctor Brackett. He was known as the poor man's friend because he spent hours at the bedside of unfortunates and never ever took a fee from them. He lived in two upstairs rooms over a grocery store. At the foot of the stairs going to his quarters was a painted sign which said: DOC BRACKETT - OFFICE UPSTAIRS.

He even lost his girlfriend, whom he wanted to marry, because, he spent more time with the sick than with her. He spent a life of selfless dedication to any and every person around him. When he died, his funeral was the biggest ever seen in that town.

At a meeting afterwards, the townspeople tried to figure out what kind of monument to erect to the memory of the doctor. A couple who had been especially helped by the doctor, on their way home from the meeting, removed the sign from his door and the following day it appeared over his grave.

It read: DOC BRACKETT - OFFICE UPSTAIRS.

Featured Illustrations are items well suited for illustrating or inspiring a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.

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The Cybersalt Digest is a ministry of Pastor Tim and Cybersalt.

     

  Issue #4377    

 

   

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Cybersalt News

Sunday greetings everyone!

It's the British Columbia Day long weekend here at Cybersalt World Headquarters.

This week, Rev. James Snyder reflects upon and muses about what he can and can't do anymore. You can read, "I Never Thought I Could":
www.cybersalt.org/gods-penman/i-never-thought-i-could

Enjoy the rest of today's mailing!

~ Pastor Tim

     

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Today's CleanLaugh

Martha's Way vs My Way

Martha's way #1: Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice cream drips.

My way: Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone. For Pete's sake, you are probably lying on the couch with your feet up eating it anyway.

~*~

Martha's way #2: Use a meat baster to "squeeze" your pancake batter onto the hot griddle and you'll get perfectly shaped pancakes every time.

My way: Buy the precooked kind you nuke in the microwave for 30 seconds.  The hard part is getting them out of the plastic bag.

~*~

Martha's way #3: To get the most juice out of fresh lemons, bring them to room temperature and roll them under your palm against the kitchen counter before squeezing.

My way: Sleep with the lemons in between the mattress and box springs.

~*~

Martha's way #4: Spray your Tupperware with nonstick cooking spray before pouring in tomato based sauces and there won't be any stains.

My way: Feed your garbage disposal and there won't be any leftovers.

~*~

Martha's way #5: When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won't be any white mess on the outside of the cake.

My way: Go to the bakery. They'll even decorate it for you.

~*~

Martha's way #6: Wrap celery in aluminum foil when putting in the refrigerator and it will keep for weeks.

My way: Celery? Never heard of the stuff.

~*~

Martha's way #7: Brush some beaten egg white over pie crust before baking to yield a beautiful glossy finish.

My way: The Mrs. Smith frozen pie directions do not include brushing egg whites over the crust and so I don't do it.

~*~

Martha's way #8: Place a slice of apple in hardened brown sugar to soften it.

My Way: Brown sugar is supposed to be "soft"?

~*~

Martha's way #9: When boiling corn on the cob, add a pinch of sugar to help bring out the corn's natural sweetness.

My Way: The only kind of corn I buy comes in a can.

~*~

Martha's way #10: To determine whether an egg is fresh, immerse it in a pan of cool, salted water.  If it sinks, it is fresh, but if it rises to the surface, throw it away.

My way: Eat, cook, or use the egg anyway.  If you feel bad later, you will know it wasn't fresh.

~*~

Martha's way #11: Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away.

Martha, dear, the only reason this works is because you can't rub a lime on your forehead without getting lime juice in your eye, and then the problem isn't the headache anymore. Now you are blind.

~*~

Martha's way #12: If you have a problem opening jars, try using latex dish-washing gloves. They give a non slip grip that makes opening jars easy.

My way: Go ask the very cute neighbor to do it.

~*~

Martha's way #13: Potatoes will take food stains off your fingers. Just slice and rub raw potato on the stains and rinse with water.

My way: Mashed potatoes will now be replacing the antibacterial soap in the handy dispenser next to my sink.

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Today's One Liner

One-liner #1306

Anyone who goes to a psychoanalyst should have his head examined.

- Samuel Goldwyn

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Today's Clean Pun

"E" Equals

Einstein developed a theory about space;

and it was about time too.

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Today's Quote

Quote #1747

"When you go through a trial, the sovereignty of God is the pillow upon which you lay your head."

- C.H. Spurgeon

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Today's Illustration

From the Mouths of Children

"The only accidents are the ones you make in your pants."
Ari K, age 7

"Everyone has feelings, except for snakes and principals."
Donna Maria G, age 9

"Laugh and the world laughs with you, cry and the world laughs at you."
Rob P, age 8

"If life gives you nothing but lemons, make up a better shopping list for it."
Steven B, age 8

"Don't eat ladyfingers - even if you know the lady they came from."
Susannah K, age 6

"When a movie is PG-13 that means how many minutes your mom will let you watch before turning it off."
Jon G, age 12

"Moses came down with the Ten Amendments, which were God's Bill of Wrongs."
Susie F, age 7

"Doctors automatically know what's wrong with you. They have a sick sense."
Beau M, age 10

"My dog had worms. I think he was going fishing."
Emma, age 4

Featured Illustrations are items well suited for illustrating or inspiring a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.

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The Cybersalt Digest is a ministry of Pastor Tim and Cybersalt.

     

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Cybersalt News

Oh look, Chicken Thursday!

We're thankful for the initial results from the Be a Billionaire fund raiser. We have been able to help 2 persecuted families with this month's rent, food, and some other key expenses. Both of these families have escaped deadly persecution by fleeing to a country where they are not allowed to work and now actually face arrest for overstaying their vistor visas.
https://www.cybersalt.org/inspiration/be-a-billionaire-fund-raiser

Enjoy the rest of today's mailing! 

~ Pastor Tim

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Today's CleanLaugh

Card Cover Up

A man entered a stationery store and asked the clerk for a birthday/anniversary card.

The clerk replied, "We have birthday cards and we have anniversary cards. Why not take one of each?"

The man said, "You don't understand. I need a card that covers both events! You see, we're celebrating the fifth anniversary of my wife's thirty-fourth birthday..."

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Today's One Liner

One-liner #1305

Walkie-talkies neither walk nor talk; they should be called holdie-noisies.

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Today's Clean Pun

Fungi Finder

Says one hiker, "Dang, I can't find the device that helps me locate delicious mushrooms!"

Responds his friend, "Oh no! You've lost your morel compass!"

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Today's Quote

Quote #1746

"The first gulp from the glass of natural sciences will make you an atheist, but at the bottom of the glass God is waiting for you."

- Werner Heisenberg, father of Quantum Physics

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Today's Illustration

Conviction

After a trial had been going on for three days, Harrison, the man accused of committing the crimes, stood up and approached the judge's bench.

"Your Honor, I would like to change my plea from 'innocent' to 'guilty' of the charges."

The judge angrily banged his fist on the desk. "If you're guilty, why didn't you say so in the first place and save this court a lot of time and inconvenience?" he demanded.

Harrison looked up wide-eyed and stated, "Well, when the trial started I thought I was innocent, but that was before I heard all the evidence against me."

Featured Illustrations are items well suited for illustrating or inspiring a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.

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The Cybersalt Digest is a ministry of Pastor Tim and Cybersalt.org - a member of the Cybersalt family of sites.